Alright, he's going to talk!!!!

[Lauriebell82]

Alright, my control freak boyfriend did it once again..we were discussing this assignment that I had in one of my classes about a "10 year plan."

So he asked me what my 10 year plan included. So I began telling him (most of the things involved him, getting married, kids, ect.) He realized that this is all in the context of involving him (as a husband and father). He is fine throughout the whole conversation. So we continue talking about how much time I want to take off work, he's asking me questions, everything is fine. I then say jokingly, "well, you do know honey that I'm going to gain weight when I'm pregnant, but then I will lose it all again. It happens." And THAT FREAKED HIM OUT. What the hell is the deal? So he lost control of the conversation when I started talking about it from my point of view and not his??? So then before I could say anything he really quickly said he wanted to go eat dinner and watch tv and that he would call me later tonight, told me he loved me, blew a kiss into the phone, and said bye and hung up.

 

GRRRRRRRRR, I'm getting so pissed off..is this always going to freaking happen? I don't think what we were talking about was threatening, I told him what my plans were so I could see if he agreed with them..and he does. We are talking kids in like 4 years, I don't see how that is threatening. And he was talking about it the whole time in terms of its going to be "us." What the hell???? Well, when he calls me back tonight I'm going to have a direct conversation with him about this, I just hope I'm doing the right thing...advice please

[spookie]

I think the last thing you should do is bring it up directly. This is one of those areas I think it's best to let be if you're in a serious relationship and have some idea that what you and the other person was are similar, as it's best for both people to come to the conclusion that the other is "the one" on their own.

 

You've been together for a while so no doubt he's having thoughts like these. And no doubt htey freak him out: you're both young and inexperienced and a lot of guys look at the scary parts first, not the cozy romantic ones (spending the rest of your life with someone you could not love more) like us girls. There is just no point in asking him directly what's up. You already know what's up. You just want to talk about it because it gives you a rush.

 

In the future I would leave discussion of 10-year plan assignements out of it as well. It comes off as an excuse to get him back on topic.

 

But this is just my take.

[Star Gazer]

Is there anything about your 10-year plan that doesn't include some aspect of your relationship? A 10-year career-plan, perhaps?

[allina]

I think you should just relax with the marriage and baby talk, it may be too much for him. I feel like you've been bringing it up in one way or another a lot recently. It's like he tries to talk about it rationally but as you keep pushing and pushing and including more details he freaks out. He was kind to you, said he loved you, he just wanted to get out of the conversation. If I was him I would feel like you used a school assignment to pressure him about the future. I think you should just not talk about marriage and babies for a while, it doesn't matter if it's hypothetical or for school just don't bring it up for a while.

[bluepoppy]

He did well to not freak out until you said that you'd get all fat when pregent.

 

10 year plans are err - plans. Life throws in curve balls and all sorts - but as long as he knows your general direction is kids, husband, house, career etc - but no specific dates - he should know that's what you want but that there is no immediate pressure (as long as there is no immediate pressure).

 

The truth is, if these are things he doesn't want, it would be selfish of him to stay with you in your youth and child bearing years, knowing you have kids and marriage in mind. So in a way, it will give him the chance to figure that out.

 

Most people (me included) can't make a 10 year plan. You ask the where/what do you see in 10 years - and it's too scary, too committing and too final (both b/f and career). So I think you've done well to consider what it is you want...

[Citizen Erased]

You are not in the same place in your relationship. That is very plain. You shouldn't have to avoid this topic just because he is about to pull the whole cimmittment phobe crap out. It is just not right that he will engage you in these conversations, go along with what you are saying, and then when something becomes real to him he closes up.

 

Personally I think you are going way too fast, but if it is what comes natural to you then not much you can do to change it, right?

[Star Gazer]

I think you should just not talk about marriage and babies for a while, it doesn't matter if it's hypothetical or for school just don't bring it up for a while.

 

I totally agree. Avoid the topic entirely, even if it pains you to do so. If he jokingly brings it up, change the subject.

[melodymatters]

This is when being a LS pal can bet so difficult !

 

I read and replied to Laurie belles first post, so now I, melody, might be feeling impatient with her SO, when It's really not my place !

 

We DO get emotionally entangeled sometimes, it must be hard for the "professionals", who actually get to meet these people !

 

On one hand, no one EVER wants to force someone towards commitment, but on the other, if you've been dating for years, and have a good thing going together, and you DO deserve the chance to create the life you want, is it really that " crazy" to discuss that with the person you are loving and sleeping with for YEARS ?!?

 

I'm not you LB, and your BF gives of conflicting signals, so I will not suggest ANYTHING riight now, and wait for further cues, and clues from you !

 

best wishes !

[Lauriebell82]

Is there anything about your 10-year plan that doesn't include some aspect of your relationship? A 10-year career-plan, perhaps?

 

Actually yes, thats how the topic came up. The 10 year plan WAS a 10- year career plan which is what we were talking about in the first place. I was telling him what my goals are regarding my career and getting my certifications and things. HE'S the one who started saying "well is there anything in that 10 year plan that involves me?" And thats how the whole tihng got started. He asked ME what MY plans were. I didn't push marriage and babies on him AT ALL. He's the one who brought up talking about a house, talking about pregnancy, it was all him. Then suddenly I say something and he freaks. That's why I'm frustrated. I'll just let it go, I calmed down a little bit, I just really hope he doesn't do this **** forever. I actually did make my plans clear to him regarding marraige and children, so whatever if he brings up our future I just won't talk about it or change the subject. I can't keep doing that forever though...

[norajane]

HE'S the one who started saying "well is there anything in that 10 year plan that involves me?" And thats how the whole tihng got started. He asked ME what MY plans were. I didn't push marriage and babies on him AT ALL. He's the one who brought up talking about a house, talking about pregnancy, it was all him. Then suddenly I say something and he freaks.

I told you that's his controlling side acting up and you should not let it freak you out when it happens.

 

I just really hope he doesn't do this **** forever.

IF you can't handle a guy like that, you really ought not be thinking about marrying him because that is his personality. You have to come up with a coping strategy so that you don't hyperventilate each time his fear of losing control strikes - humor is a good way. For now, laugh at him - to yourself. Later, once the two of you are secure in your relationship together, you can laugh with him and that will help defuse it.

 

if he brings up our future I just won't talk about it or change the subject. I can't keep doing that forever though...

Again with the 'forever' thing. Lauriebell, you and your bf have been together only a little over a year...16 months, I think? That is nowhere near forever. You are being too impatient to KNOW when he will propose and when he wants to get married. That is why this is bothering you so much.

 

LET IT GO. When he freaks out, don't think anything of it. You know he loves you, and you know you are both happy. ENJOY this time instead of driving yourself insane wanting to know sooooooo badly when he is going to propose.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't care when he's going to propose..he knows I want to get married within the next few years. It's not the proposal that I care about, it's talking about this stuff. He always talks about our future plans, it's always him who brings it up, then gets weird. I'll let it go, I know we haven't been together for an extremely long time, but I do see our relationship going somewhere.

 

But seriously, this concerns me, not because I'm in a rush to get married, but that I'm not going to be able to talk to him about important things our lives without this happening. And it does bother me, I just don't know why.

[allina]

But seriously, this concerns me, not because I'm in a rush to get married, but that I'm not going to be able to talk to him about important things our lives without this happening. And it does bother me, I just don't know why.

 

I think you're justified here. I would sit him down and say "I love you, I see a future with you, it's sometimes difficult to speak with you about the future and I worry about that. I'm in no rush and never want you to feel pressured but I want to be able to talk to you openly without you freaking out"

 

Then let it go for a bit, maybe he needs to get it all sorted out in his head.

[norajane]

So if he surprised you with a ring and a proposal for Christmas, and afterwards still got weird during conversations, it would still bother you as much as it does? Or would you feel secure enough that it really wouldn't upset you so much and you'd be able to deal with it without such angst?

 

I think when he gets 'weird' about your conversations about the future, it makes you insecure and you start to wonder if he really does want that future, and makes you feel like it's going to be 'forever' before he proposes.

[Trialbyfire]

Next time he wants to talk about future plans, find something else to talk about. Until he's ready to come to the table with honest discussion items, it's just a game of playing house.

 

In all honesty lauriebelle, I wouldn't move in with this guy. Just my two cents.

[Lauriebell82]

I think you're justified here. I would sit him down and say "I love you, I see a future with you, it's sometimes difficult to speak with you about the future and I worry about that. I'm in no rush and never want you to feel pressured but I want to be able to talk to you openly without you freaking out"

 

Then let it go for a bit, maybe he needs to get it all sorted out in his head.

 

Thanks Allina, thats along the lines of what I had in mind to say. We actually have really good communication, and can talk about anything and work it out. He knows I'm not in a rush to get married or have children, so I don't think it's pressure that's getting to him. Because honestly, he talks about our future all the time! He brings up buying a house together, moving to another city together, all of that stuff.

[Lauriebell82]

So if he surprised you with a ring and a proposal for Christmas, and afterwards still got weird during conversations, it would still bother you as much as it does? Or would you feel secure enough that it really wouldn't upset you so much and you'd be able to deal with it without such angst?

 

No actually it would confuse the hell out of me if he did that.

I think when he gets 'weird' about your conversations about the future, it makes you insecure and you start to wonder if he really does want that future, and makes you feel like it's going to be 'forever' before he proposes.

 

Actually I'd be shocked as hell if he proposed, and even more confused if he still got weird about it. It's really not insecurity that is getting me upset, because he really talks about the future all the time so it's not so much that I wonder if he wants that. I suppose its more that i'm paranoid this has something to do with committment phobia, but at the same time I don't even know if thats it.

[norajane]

Actually I'd be shocked as hell if he proposed, and even more confused if he still got weird about it. It's really not insecurity that is getting me upset, because he really talks about the future all the time so it's not so much that I wonder if he wants that. I suppose its more that i'm paranoid this has something to do with committment phobia, but at the same time I don't even know if thats it.

 

And why are you afraid it is commitment phobia? He does not limit his 'weirdness' to conversations about your future. Remember the money issue? Remember the staying at his apartment issue? He gets weird all the time - this is not the first issue and it will not be the last.

 

Your paranoia about commitment phobia is a symptom of insecurity. Despite the fact that he talks about your future all the time, brings it up himself, and even jokes about it, you aren't going to feel secure until her proposes. That's why you keep repeating how he always talks about your future - you are trying to ease your insecurity by reminding yourself of that.

[Lauriebell82]

And why are you afraid it is commitment phobia? He does not limit his 'weirdness' to conversations about your future. Remember the money issue? Remember the staying at his apartment issue? He gets weird all the time - this is not the first issue and it will not be the last.

 

Your paranoia about commitment phobia is a symptom of insecurity. Despite the fact that he talks about your future all the time, brings it up himself, and even jokes about it, you aren't going to feel secure until her proposes.

 

Okay, well we talked through most of those issues, and they got resolved. It's getting to be more of a curiousity now because I can't figure out what trigures this. If he proposed and still did this, I'd be just as confused actually. And i'm not really looking to get engaged right now, I'd rather find out what the real issue is, because it probably doesn't have to do with committment.

[Racquel Colette]

Have you thought about backing off and dating other guys? I think that would be good. Your bf is acting jerky, IMO. I mean he is making it look like you are pushing and you aren't, and he is twisting situations to make it look like you are. There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage and a family, that is natural, and you should not get jokes simply because you made that clear to him.

[Lauriebell82]

I was going to try to talk to my boyfriend tonight, but he was too tired so I elected not to. I guess I am nervous about what he is going to say, ugh.

[allina]

Have you thought about backing off and dating other guys? I think that would be good.

 

You cannot be serious :rolleyes:

[Lauriebell82]

Have you thought about backing off and dating other guys? I think that would be good. Your bf is acting jerky, IMO. I mean he is making it look like you are pushing and you aren't, and he is twisting situations to make it look like you are. There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage and a family, that is natural, and you should not get jokes simply because you made that clear to him.

 

No, I don't want to date other guys. He is acting jerky, I agree, but I love him and want to try to work it out. I'm going to try to talk to him about it tommorrow and see what happens. I was going to tonight, but he was real tired so the conversation wouldn't have gone real smoothly. So we'll see what the deal is.