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Intimacy issues or lack of physical attraction?


birdmadgirl

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I had an incredibly long post typed out here, but my connection was timed out. I should take that as a sign and only post the essentials. Now I'm reposting because it appears to have been lost in the fray:

 

For three weeks, I have been seeing a guy who claims he does not want to have sex. I have absolutely no problem with this, apart from finding it difficult to believe that a man (or a woman, for that matter) would not want to become intimate with someone he (or she!) finds attractive, and that if he (or she!) doesn't want to, the attraction is likely not there (I'm not saying anything about my looks - which are average, by the way, as are his - as much as I am speaking from experience). He does find a lot of excuses to see me (has escalated from one date to as many as five times in a week), he opens up to me with almost alarming ease (which I love), and it seems as though we are inching slowly toward physical intimacy.

 

I've tried rewriting this a number of times and no matter how hard I try, it always seems to come across as a disproportionate interest on my end to do the deed. I can't assure you enough that this is not the case. My interest here lies in having found a genuine emotional connection to someone and not wanting to lose it, or in trying to ascertain whether or not the connection is even there for him. I am afraid that his avoidance of physical intimacy is masking a deeper issue... in this case, a lack of physical attraction to me. I hate to generalize, but it truly has been my experience that if a man isn't clamoring to get in my pants, he has no interest in me. Perhaps I've found that rare gem who - as he says! - wants to set a solid foundation for a relationship before bringing sex into the mix. Either way, I respect the hell out of his wishes, and any progression we've made on that front has been dictated solely by his comfort level. He does seem genuinely nervous when we're alone in bed together, and the few close calls we've had have ended somewhat awkwardly (he'll begin shaking and sweating), but he still insists on spending the night, he is extremely affectionate... I'm not entirely sure what to make of it all.

 

I realize that he's the only person who has any real answers, but I wanted to see if there's anyone reading who has dealt with this issue before. Am I wrong to think that if he weren't attracted to me (or at least interested on a more-than-friendly level), he wouldn't keep coming around, and that we wouldn't be engaging in progressively more intimate behavior? Or could it be that he thinks I'm "neat" but not necessarily relationship material?

 

Your responses are very much appreciated. I can give more background, if it's needed.

 

Thanks!

 

:)

birdmadgirl

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Oops I think you moved your post just as I pressed "Post reply!"

Here it is again:

It sounds like he has his own values, and they are healthy, not set by what others think is right or is advertised all over the media. He values you and the relationship. He wouldn't keep coming around if he wasn't interested. He wouldn't get all hot and heavy if he wasn't interested. He has told you his reasons and I think you should be grateful that you have found a man who is sensitive to the extra emotional issues that become involved when sex is introduced into a relationship. He is protecting you as well as himself. I think it would be interesting to find out when and how he decided on this course of action for himself, I bet there's a good story behind it.

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...I think you should be grateful that you have found a man who is sensitive to the extra emotional issues that become involved when sex is introduced into a relationship.

 

Oh, I am incredibly grateful. I don't think I did a very good job of conveying that here. It's refreshing to finally have the opportunity to build up the other aspects of the relationship first.

 

He discloses a bit more to me each time we talk, and rather than come right out and ask him exactly why he's so averse to sex, I figure it's probably best to listen to him patiently and allow him to feel comfortable opening up to me. We talked for a few hours last night and he told me that he feels more comfortable around me than he has around any woman he's ever dated, which was reassuring in a large way. I think he's encountered problems with impatient women, though, and I sense that he's just waiting for the other shoe to drop here, too.

 

I realize that there's probably nothing I can do to allay his fears other than stick around and be there for him, which I am more than happy to do at this point.

 

Thanks for your reply, Izzy (can I call you 'Izzy'?)!

 

;-)

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LucreziaBorgia
He does seem genuinely nervous when we're alone in bed together, and the few close calls we've had have ended somewhat awkwardly (he'll begin shaking and sweating)

 

Could be any number of things:

 

1. He could be bi with a history of men, and is testing the waters with a woman and is nervous.

 

2. He could have been sexually abused as a child.

 

3. He could be very religious with a 'sex is bad' mentality, or a 'premarital sex is wrong' mentality.

 

4. He could be playing you to make sure you are good and hooked before he gives in.

 

5. He could be pathologically afraid of getting you pregnant or getting an STD (not implying you have one mind you - some people do have phobias though that make them afraid their partner may have one even if there is no indication of it) - OR he could have an STD or some sort of erectile dysfunction that he is trying to hide from you.

 

6. He could be in a long distance relationship with someone else, so he gets to spend lots of time with you but is feeling too guilty to 'seal the deal' and make it 'actual cheating'.

 

7. Or, he genuinely is one of those rare types who want to establish a solid relationship with someone before having sex.

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I had an incredibly long post typed out here, but my connection was timed out. I should take that as a sign and only post the essentials.

 

You are quite correct there. Most members will not read long posts, much less answer them. The more to the point you are with only very essential background details the more responses you will get. You can always clarify later.

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Could be any number of things:

 

1. He could be bi with a history of men, and is testing the waters with a woman and is nervous.

 

2. He could have been sexually abused as a child.

 

3. He could be very religious with a 'sex is bad' mentality, or a 'premarital sex is wrong' mentality.

 

4. He could be playing you to make sure you are good and hooked before he gives in.

 

5. He could be pathologically afraid of getting you pregnant or getting an STD (not implying you have one mind you - some people do have phobias though that make them afraid their partner may have one even if there is no indication of it) - OR he could have an STD or some sort of erectile dysfunction that he is trying to hide from you.

 

6. He could be in a long distance relationship with someone else, so he gets to spend lots of time with you but is feeling too guilty to 'seal the deal' and make it 'actual cheating'.

 

7. Or, he genuinely is one of those rare types who want to establish a solid relationship with someone before having sex.

 

With the exception of #3 (we're both Atheists), each of these possibilities has occurred to me at some point. Based on some of our conversations, I am actually inclined to believe it has more to do with #2, in a roundabout way. I don't think he was abused, but he has made some rather disparaging comments about his mother and their home being a revolving door for a steady stream of men during his childhood. His older sister has adopted the same behaviors, from what I understand, and it has estranged the two of them, as well.

 

Thank you very much for your reply. I do hope to be a positive force in his life, as a friend or otherwise. All too often, people seem unwilling to do something as simple as listen to someone who genuinely needs to vent, and if that's the role I'm meant to play in his life, then so be it. Amazingly, the lack of sex is endearing him to me in so many ways, and I am finding myself getting hooked a lot sooner than I might have otherwise. So, hey... if it's #4, he's doing a stellar job. ;-)

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You are quite correct there. Most members will not read long posts, much less answer them. The more to the point you are with only very essential background details the more responses you will get. You can always clarify later.

 

Thank you, Tony. I will keep this in mind for future posts.

 

:)

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