Infatuation

[Kerewin]

So, since I'm trying to keep busy due to a recent breakup (I'll spare the details here; they're in another thread)---how essential is infatuation to a relationship? Is there anyone here who could NEVER love someone for whom they'd never felt that "can't-live-without-them" buzz? Is there anyone here HAPPILY involved with someone where things were never that intense? Any and all thoughts on the topic, whether or not they answer the above questions, appreciated....

[Ocean-Blue]

So, since I'm trying to keep busy due to a recent breakup (I'll spare the details here; they're in another thread)---how essential is infatuation to a relationship? Is there anyone here who could NEVER love someone for whom they'd never felt that "can't-live-without-them" buzz? Is there anyone here HAPPILY involved with someone where things were never that intense? Any and all thoughts on the topic, whether or not they answer the above questions, appreciated....

 

Really depends on the person.

 

I have friends who are in those warm, comfy relationships (not much sizzle) and they are perfectly happy - b/c their relationship fulfills them (it gives them the things they need). There are others however (myself included) for whom the "zing" is absolutely necessary.

 

Call me a romantic, but when I think of love, I think of Carrie Bradshaw and Big's relationship (on SATC). He made her go weak in the knees...he never forgot her.

 

Sure these things die down, life catches up to you, flames diminish...but the knowledge that it was ONCE there...for me, that is enough. It gives me hope that I can once again recapture it (should it ever go away).

 

I remember one of my favourite teachers talking about love. She said, even after 20 years of marriage, her husband still makes her go weak in the knees. There is something to be said about chemistry, passion, that breathless, elated something you feel when you see him.

[JCD]

I can't imagine to be with someone that I have no feelings for. If I feel that I click with a girl and I find her attractive, I become infatuated with her then fall in love with her. There is a girl that I've been infatuated with for over a year now. She makes me weak.

[Ocean-Blue]

I can't imagine to be with someone that I have no feelings for. If I feel that I click with a girl and I find her attractive, I become infatuated with her then fall in love with her. There is a girl that I've been infatuated with for over a year now. She makes me weak.

 

Does she know?

[Kerewin]

I ask because the only 2 times I've felt that "Oh my God, he makes me weak" feeling, both relationships were really bad for me---one unrequited, years-long love and one not-great marriage (after that first year of weak in the knees, we had NO business being together). Conversely, I've had very good, solid, deep relationships where that kind of extreme honeymoon period never occurred, but the love still ran strong. So, is infatuation necessary? Or is it nice if you can get it, but not required?

[Ocean-Blue]

I ask because the only 2 times I've felt that "Oh my God, he makes me weak" feeling, both relationships were really bad for me---one unrequited, years-long love and one not-great marriage (after that first year of weak in the knees, we had NO business being together). Conversely, I've had very good, solid, deep relationships where that kind of extreme honeymoon period never occurred, but the love still ran strong. So, is infatuation necessary? Or is it nice if you can get it, but not required?

 

I'm going to equate infatuation with chemistry. Are you OK with not having chemistry? Because it's what matters to YOU that counts. If you can live without it and lead a happy life, then that's that.

 

I think that it's an essential ingredient of a successful, healthy relationship - but that's just me. Like I said, some of my friends are in sizzleness relationships (or at least they tell me so)...but they've been together for a long time and are happy where they are.

 

The fact that you have asked this question tells me that it's important to you. And it's nagging you that you don't feel such feelings for certain people in your life.

 

I'm not saying one has to be always breathless with guy x...it's just nice to know that you have that kind of bond - the chemical kind. I dunno, I'm a total romantic when it comes to this stuff. And I feel very strongly about chemistry b/c I was in a relationship that sorely lacked this very fundamental (to me) component...and so when I finally found it, I realized what I was missing all these years.

[Kerewin]

I guess we're not using the word the same way. I agree, I'd NEVER stay in a relationship without chemistry. For me, chemistry is about it being great when you're together. By infatuation, I mean the kind of irrational, dopey, hurts not to be with them feeling. I've always had chemistry in my good relationships, but I'm still happy to have hobbies of my own, time to myself, and time with my friends without my partner. Does that help clear things up? (And as far as my situation, just got dumped by a guy who really likes our time together, but thought there was something missing because he didn't miss me all the time when we were apart.)

[Ocean-Blue]

I guess we're not using the word the same way. I agree, I'd NEVER stay in a relationship without chemistry. For me, chemistry is about it being great when you're together. By infatuation, I mean the kind of irrational, dopey, hurts not to be with them feeling. I've always had chemistry in my good relationships, but I'm still happy to have hobbies of my own, time to myself, and time with my friends without my partner. Does that help clear things up? (And as far as my situation, just got dumped by a guy who really likes our time together, but thought there was something missing because he didn't miss me all the time when we were apart.)

 

OK, we are both talking about different concepts. BUT...for me, the chemistry goes hand-in-hand with the mopey-must-see-you-you-drive-me-crazy feeling. It's that exciting "wow" factor I guess.

 

Your ex, did he give you any more info than that? It sounds odd that he'd dump you b/c of a feeling that is lacking when he's not with you (I've never heard such a thing before). Is there more to the story?

[Kerewin]

A little more Ocean-Blue--he says he's only felt "that way" twice before; in both instances the women were set to move shortly from the very beginning of the relationship. Funny thing is, one only moved an hour plane ride away (and given that he makes a very nice salary, it would've been no financial hardship to fly down to see her). I'm wondering if he was mistaking drama--the clock is ticking, our love is doomed--for love. I know in the end it doesn't matter, you can't talk anyone into wanting a relationship with you, but it still hurts because I thought things between us were good and I wish he felt the same.

[StaringContest]

I ask because the only 2 times I've felt that "Oh my God, he makes me weak" feeling, both relationships were really bad for me---one unrequited, years-long love and one not-great marriage (after that first year of weak in the knees, we had NO business being together). Conversely, I've had very good, solid, deep relationships where that kind of extreme honeymoon period never occurred, but the love still ran strong. So, is infatuation necessary? Or is it nice if you can get it, but not required?

 

That's been my experience as well.

 

I've been wondering the same things as you, Kerewin. I started a similar thread awhile back called something like "do you think about them 24/7?".

 

Personally, I've been thinking that a good relationship would be one where you're insanely attracted to the person. When you're alone together, you don't want to keep your hands off each other. But when you're apart, you don't spend much time thinking about them at all. That way you can pursue your own interests and have a healthy relationship and not hold each other back.

 

I just wonder if that works in practice though.

[Ocean-Blue]

A little more Ocean-Blue--he says he's only felt "that way" twice before; in both instances the women were set to move shortly from the very beginning of the relationship. Funny thing is, one only moved an hour plane ride away (and given that he makes a very nice salary, it would've been no financial hardship to fly down to see her). I'm wondering if he was mistaking drama--the clock is ticking, our love is doomed--for love. I know in the end it doesn't matter, you can't talk anyone into wanting a relationship with you, but it still hurts because I thought things between us were good and I wish he felt the same.

 

Oh yeah! Sometimes we mistake drama for something else. It could be that because of his past experiences he's mistaking it for something "deeper". I guess you're trying to make sense of why it ended. Sometimes, people don't like it when things are going well. I kind of have that personality...I'm always nitpicking at something or other...when things are going well, for whatever reason, I get all weird and moody and eventually pick a fight. Anyway...your ex may be a drama seeker. But you won't know either way (you can only guess).

 

My advice to you, dear OP, is to move on. Don't give him that kind of power over you. Don't wonder. Don't question. Move on and know that there is nothing wrong with you...it was HIM and his weird issues.

[Kerewin]

I'm working on it, Ocean-Blue. I know analyzing it to death on the board may not be might the healthiest choice, but it's still healthier than giving in to the urge to call or email him. Thank you for your kind words--I keep reminding myself that my first unrequited love, for whom I lived and died, who could make me cry if I even THOUGHT he might be dating another girl--doesn't mean a thing to me now.

[Ocean-Blue]

I'm working on it, Ocean-Blue. I know analyzing it to death on the board may not be might the healthiest choice, but it's still healthier than giving in to the urge to call or email him. Thank you for your kind words--I keep reminding myself that my first unrequited love, for whom I lived and died, who could make me cry if I even THOUGHT he might be dating another girl--doesn't mean a thing to me now.

 

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. But remember, this is MUCH better than having him stick around and being indifferent to you. When you think about it, this guy did you a favour. It may hurt you like hell right now, but trust me, when you move on (and you WILL), you'll realize what a blessing this was.

 

Feel free to PM me anytime Kerewin.

[Kerewin]

Ocean Blue--thank you so much. Unfortunately, I think my account is too new for me to use the PM feature. Too bad, there are other details that inform the situation that I don't want to share on the forum so as not to violate his privacy, and it's killing me because I think they make a HUGE difference.

[Ocean-Blue]

Ocean Blue--thank you so much. Unfortunately, I think my account is too new for me to use the PM feature. Too bad, there are other details that inform the situation that I don't want to share on the forum so as not to violate his privacy, and it's killing me because I think they make a HUGE difference.

 

That is too bad! Keep posting and hopefully your count will go up enough that they enable your PM function.

 

Talk to you soon!

[fray718]

This is very interesting becuase I have the opposite problem. It seems like almost with EVERY guy i date I end up feeling totally infatuated with them to the point where i have trouble concentrating on other aspects of my life (and well granted all of them were super successful and attractive guys)...and I'm actually TRYING to look for guys I dont feel so strongly about becuase the feelings usually make me needy/crazy. Perhaps for some ppl its actually BETTER to not have these feelings and perhaps the REASON why your relationships with no sizzle worked BECAUSE you weren't so crazy bout them that you became BLINDED by them and you dated them because u thought they were right for you, and not becuase they made you weak in the knees.

 

It all depends. I want a comfy and happy relatinship. Whereas I do have a friend who NEEDS chemistry even if it means dating guys who might not be that nice to her as others. It all depends on what you want and what you can forgo. But I think balance for me at least is key.

[uniqueone]

This is very interesting becuase I have the opposite problem. It seems like almost with EVERY guy i date I end up feeling totally infatuated with them to the point where i have trouble concentrating on other aspects of my life (and well granted all of them were super successful and attractive guys)...and I'm actually TRYING to look for guys I dont feel so strongly about becuase the feelings usually make me needy/crazy. Perhaps for some ppl its actually BETTER to not have these feelings and perhaps the REASON why your relationships with no sizzle worked BECAUSE you weren't so crazy bout them that you became BLINDED by them and you dated them because u thought they were right for you, and not becuase they made you weak in the knees.

 

 

I definately can relate to what you're saying, Fray. Were we dating the same guys

 

Here's my take on it....

 

That weak in the knees feeling is due to a chemical reaction in your brain chemistry, that being an increase in serotonin and dopamine and this creates a "high". Some people need that "high". Ever notice how there are those people who lead very moderate lives, never really having extremes? These are the people who can be content without that buzz.

 

Then there are those of us who are a bit.....*ahem*.....emotional. (ok...we're really effed up.....I'm just trying to be nice here, ok?)

Some people need/like more of a rush.

 

Alright, I'm being a little silly in that last paragraph, but what I mean to say is that some people need or like more excitement than others. That weak in the knees feeling provides excitement and the reason it's so hazardous is because, since it's so drug-like and because the person is so prone to excitement-seeking, they cling to that person no matter what red flags about the person are waving in their face.

 

It's sort of an addiction to the feeling.

[Timberlane]

But hasn't everyone had a chance to experience that quick initial infatuation with someone and also the slowly building, deep infatuation that comes from being around someone a much longer time? Not all chemistry is going to be instant. Sometimes a catalyst comes into the equation later. I'm not talking about more than a few months later, of course. By then you should know. I just don't like to give too much credence to that big, initial jolt of attraction. It clouds your mind, duuuuude. And the let down can be harsh. Better to seek out the long, durable high that comes with some effort.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm of the school that you need both. The infatuation stage keeps you interested, therefore around to learn more about each other. After the infatuation stage wears off, hopefully you would have bonded enough to have developed enough forward momentum to fall in "real" love and create a deep, abiding relationship.

[Kerewin]

OP here. Just curious, has anyone ever felt that infatuation where there wasn't also that sense of uncertainty? That uncertainty could be anything--not being sure if they feel the same, not being sure if they're seeing someone else, not being able to see them as much as you'd like, etc.. I ask because I think I messed up a good thing by being too available. The guy in my life was going through a personal crisis, so I didn't play the "games" you usually do when you're first going out because I wanted to be there for him and I would up getting the "friend speech" 5 months in.

[uniqueone]

I ask because I think I messed up a good thing by being too available. The guy in my life was going through a personal crisis, so I didn't play the "games" you usually do when you're first going out because I wanted to be there for him and I would up getting the "friend speech" 5 months in.

You didn't play games so you messed up.....something sounds wrong with that picture to me......

 

So you were the person that you are....a caring, compassionate person....and that turned a guy off.......

 

And you think that YOU were the problem?

 

I think you need to look at it a different way.

[Kerewin]

Unique one, I hear what you're saying. And for the most part I agree. By "games", I meant always being available for his phone calls and for last minute dates. I wish it weren't true, but I think HUMAN (Not just male) nature is a bit competitive, and puts a premium on what's scarce/ hard to obtain. And I do want him back, and I'm wondering if it's too late to try some of those things. Have any guys here dumped a girl for being "meh" (didn't seem to have much going on her life) , only to want her back when she did have more (other guys, always busy, etc.)?

[Trialbyfire]

kerewin, listen to uniqueone on this. Why would you want someone who needs the games, 5 months into a relationship? No doubt at first, there's the fun, flirtatious games but beyond that, there's something very wrong with a guy who needs to always be chasing someone.

[Kerewin]

I appreciate what you're saying Trial by fire. But please understand, although I really do want him back, I'm not putting my life on hold. I have 2 dates next week, but I've dated enough to know when I've met a better match for me than most, so I'm not giving up without SOME fight . And I can understand not needing the games 5 months in, but since he NEVER had to make any effort, is it too late to show him that I'm not as available as he thought I was? I'm asking a purely logistical question here.

[uniqueone]

Unique one, I hear what you're saying. And for the most part I agree. By "games", I meant always being available for his phone calls and for last minute dates. I wish it weren't true, but I think HUMAN (Not just male) nature is a bit competitive, and puts a premium on what's scarce/ hard to obtain. And I do want him back, and I'm wondering if it's too late to try some of those things.

It's also human nature to die....but that doesn't mean I want to encourage the process.

 

Is it human nature of a healthy, mature mind or is it human nature of a confused, immature mind? Sure...you can play the games if you want....but then you're going to be attracting game-players, aren't you?