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bf lost sexual desire?


imonyourside

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hi,

me and my boyfriend have been dating for about three and a half years now and well lately it seems like he doesn't find me sexually attracted.

infact, for a long while now he doesn't really check me out anymore. maybe its because we've been together for so long but sometimes i'll come over to see him wearing something more revealing than normal and he doesn't blink an eye or do anything like that at me.

 

we haven't had sex for a good three weeks now i believe, or maybe even a month. my birth control and periods have been a little screwy so that could be part of the cause (he said he gets turned off knowing if i haven't taken my birth control and he will not touch me if i'm on my period :mad:) . he also is on some new anti depressant medication and he said his sexual drive might be down. ok ok so now this all seems to be adding up as to WHY we are having problems but its bothering me that he lately he doesn't even touch me. when we lay in bed together we don't lay with eachother and i mean not everything has to lead to sex - can't he just touch me and kiss me and hold me? thats all i really want but i'm too embarassed to ask him.

 

i know, guys can't read minds here but why do i have to feel like i've been married to him for 50 years? why can't he just touch me. my stomach, leg, neck, anything i don't care.

 

sometimes i'll get teary eyed just thinking about it because i feel like i'm not attractive to him anymore. he doesn't see me as anything special anymore. he doesn't have any desire to hug me or anything.

just recently i came over to his place after not seeing him for over a week. i thought he'd be excited to see me... not really. when i got there he didn't even hug me or really say HI!

he doesn't really ever do that though...

 

i don't know. i don't want to make this a long entry but there is one more thing thats been on my mind a lot. a while ago, maybe 6 months ago, we got into a fight and i couldn't tell you what it was about because i have forgotten but he yelled at me "you think i want to **** the same girl for three years?!!"

 

yeah we were angry at eachother and i guess i can understand from a guys sick point of view.. trying to **** every girl out there and all. but is that really true? are all guys like that? is it such a bore to **** the same girl more than once?

it really hurts my feelings and i've been down about it especially since we haven't really been intimate in a while.

i was wondering if there was any kind of advice i could get.. how to make myself more desirable to him. i haven't gained or lost any weight.. i don't feel like anything has changed about me. please help

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Wow, I really feel your pain. For me the HUGE red flag is how he was so MEAN about what he said to you. I can't imagine someone who loves you saying something that cruel (or even if they did, not groveling for your forgiveness once they've calmed down). You mentioned he's on anti-depressants. Yes, those most certainly CAN lead to a lowered (sometimes non-existent) sex drive. Plus I have to wonder why he's on the anti-depressants in the first place--there have to be some issues there. As a man, he's been conditioned to believe that he should be able to "perform" on cue, anytime, anywhere. Not being able to is a huge blow to his self-esteem, so he blames you to avoid having to deal with it. It's true that all couples have to work harder to find that "spark" with time, but it seems like you're the only one trying. I'm not going to tell you to leave, or give up, (cause it wouldn't matter anyway) but you might want to consider therapy (couples, or if he won't go, on your own) to help you recover your own self-esteem. Plus, keep taking care of yourself--dressing nicely, etc. It will probably attract positive attention from some men--I'm not suggesting that you cheat, but it sounds like you could really use the ego boost and reminders that you're still attractive and desirable.

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Since you are young he maybe looking for more experiences. However, sounds like he has a low sex drive I would try working out together. If he starts to lift weights it will cause a rise in testosterone increasing his sex drive. The next thing I would do whenever you get him in the bed is try to experiment with him a lot and change it up and be open minded it might just be getting boring to him.

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I think that maybe you're not giving enough weight to the new anti-depressant he's taking. I work in mental health and some antidepressants can devastate a person'e sex drive. Research the side effects of the particular medication he's taking.

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hi,

 

why can't he just touch me. my stomach, leg, neck, anything i don't care.

 

quote]

 

He has falling INTEREST LEVEL in you !

The reason that you feel down is because he no longer DESIRES you and that invalidates you and perhaps makes you feel less valued and very anxious about the future. HE needs you LESS now that you need him.

It happens for a whole lot of reasons. Nagging women, self-centered women, split loyalties to him, your boring undies, that new girl at the office - who knows ?

MY advice - go back and be the girl that he fell for. You need to WORK at re-igniting his passion for you ..

 

Ir worked back then right ? Do it all again.

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Who knows what is really going on. Have you tried to have a heart to heart talk with him, telling him how you feel, listening to him share as well? Ask him why he doesn't want to be physically intimate (or can't maybe because of the meds.)

 

I think that's step number one.

 

Step number two is coming up with a game plan you both want to try. If he's willing to work on things, that is. I really don't like his whole "Do you think I want to f#ck the same girl for three years?" crap. That was pretty insensitive. Chronically insensitive guys rarely want to work on things. They want to blame and withdraw.

 

So, how about voicing your concerns with him, coming up with some possible solutions, and then backing off. See what he does. If he tries, you try.

 

While it's a great idea to return to the girl you were before all this stuff, it's basically impossible while you are upset and feeling like your needs aren't getting met.

 

When that happens to me, I disconnect somewhat from the relationship and go do whatever I need to in order to take care of myself and make myself happy. I stop trying to change someone or convince someone how wonderful I am.

 

Half the time the guy will chase you once he feels you retreating, but that's not the goal. The goal is to take care of yourself and get some perspective. If he comes around, maybe you will stay in the relationship if things change.

 

If they don't, do YOU really want to be in this relationship? It takes TWO people doing their fair share of the work to make things good. If it's just you putting in effort, you don't have much of a relationship.

 

Oh, and if you do speak your mind and then retreat slightly and he doesn't walk your way, keep on walking. Any guy who won't come after you to work on things isn't worth the effort.

 

Really, I still can't get over his comment. I can be a b#tch so I probably would have said something back like "Yeah, you probably can't keep one around that long with that level of sensitivity. Maybe I should be checking into my options. I don't know if I want to sleep with the same a**hole for three years."

 

Anyway, good luck. Try talking to him. Maybe there is some hope and he will put in the effort needed on his part!

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He has falling INTEREST LEVEL in you !

The reason that you feel down is because he no longer DESIRES you and that invalidates you and perhaps makes you feel less valued and very anxious about the future. HE needs you LESS now that you need him.

 

The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Seriously, I'm 90% positive it's the antidepressants.

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It probably is the anti-depressants. Maybe talk to his doc about switching. There are several that don't have sexual side effects, or at least a lowered risk of them.

 

But, again, talk to him.

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I'm actually very surprised that he was prescribed this medication without anyone talking with him or you about the side effects and educating you.

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Yeh- it must be the drugs, lets blame the drugs It could not POSSIBLY be that he is just bored with the relationship -- nah !! That is out of the question !

She sounds kind of mild and passive- maybe a clue ?

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She sounds kind of mild and passive- maybe a clue ?

 

Yes, and I would say the sooner you get one the better. Just another "shock" poster... nothing new.

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He told you he doesn't wanna **** the same girl for three years? Seriously? He's lucky he's had the same woman for three years with that attitude. You can do better.

 

That is very bad to say to a partner,, Guys like that will leave you and then want you back a month later when you act like you dont care.

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hes messed up and so am i, he just sees a therapist about it. he has tried every SINGLE other antidepressant out there. he has been on them for a long time.. before we dated.. and he keeps going back to his therapist and saying they don't work. this is the last medication out there. i'll research it.

 

thanks for the replies by the way, at least the helpful ones. i don't appreciate any insults. you can have an opinion but try to be helpful.

 

hes still nice to me and we get along. but it is a lack of attention i suppose and maybe its something that i need right now from him. i'm feeling down so if he doesn't hit the spot soon then i can always go out with friends and be happy hanging out with them.

 

maybe this weekend i will have a chat with him if the mood strikes me. i don't know, i guess it depends on how he acts. i'm just not sure what to say or how to say it. and while i can think of stuff now, when the time comes i usually forget a lot of what i wanted to say. maybe i should write it down, haha that wouldn't look ridiculous. well thanks again for the advice. i'm gonna go research his meds now

 

btw,

 

jophil - its nothing i've changed. you're a dumb$hit in my opinion. if he has lost interest, which he may have, its his fault not mine.

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jophil - its nothing i've changed. you're a dumb$hit in my opinion. if he has lost interest, which he may have, its his fault not mine.

"His fault not mine ? - so you wanna BLAME him for his diminished affection. Gee how typically girly of you. Yep, another self defeating female trait.

If he does not want to ph**k you, then leave him and find someone else.

You cannot "fix" whatever is wrong with your relationship because he is INDIFFERENT to you and probably does not want to do all the hard work to resuscitate this wounded duck. The problem is BIGGER that your ability to solve.

It does not matter WHY or WhAT is bugging him , it is whatever it is.

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He told you he doesn't wanna **** the same girl for three years? Seriously? He's lucky he's had the same woman for three years with that attitude. You can do better.

 

The lack of desire might be the anti-depressants, but saying what he said is unacceptable.

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