Is this typical male behavior or...

[climbergirl]

..a guilty conscious?

 

A woman is a bit or possibly very much concerned with a difference in attitude toward her, or talking about another woman more than necessary, or just stops having sex with her altogether.

 

So she confronts him and his reaction to to yell at her, call her crazy and delusional, and just leave. Not just annoyed mad, but OUTRAGEOUSLY mad!

 

Ok, I know men and women respond to situations differently, but this I don't get. On the few occasions that I was with someone who voiced a concern like this...I felt what I could do to fix what he's thinking is to reassure him that I'm not.

 

I don't understand how the above reaction helps anything. Unless it's guilt? Or is it really pissed off that their SO is suspicious of something that is so untrue?

[Lostgurl]

..a guilty conscious?

 

A woman is a bit or possibly very much concerned with a difference in attitude toward her, or talking about another woman more than necessary, or just stops having sex with her altogether.

 

So she confronts him and his reaction to to yell at her, call her crazy and delusional, and just leave. Not just annoyed mad, but OUTRAGEOUSLY mad!

 

Ok, I know men and women respond to situations differently, but this I don't get. On the few occasions that I was with someone who voiced a concern like this...I felt what I could do to fix what he's thinking is to reassure him that I'm not.

 

I don't understand how the above reaction helps anything. Unless it's guilt? Or is it really pissed off that their SO is suspicious of something that is so untrue?

 

I've wondered the same thing myself CG. Why do men get so defensive at times when they are asked a simple question?

 

Like you, when I've been asked things, i've always answered to reassure him myself. Why make things worse by getting angry? Why get angry at all? Every one has concerns, and gets insecure at times.

 

Where as, when i've asked questions, i've recieved off the wall, pissed off, and defensive replies.

 

I too, am curious as to what the fine men of LS have to say about this topic.

[Trialbyfire]

My ex-H got that angry only when I caught him in a lie or some form of deceit. The best defense is an offense.

[roadwarrior]

If the accusations are an everyday thing and something he comes home to everyday then he's tired of explaining himself and wants to get away.

 

If not that he's guilty about something and afraid to get caught in a lie by talking.

[climbergirl]

My ex-H got that angry only when I caught him in a lie or some form of deceit. The best defense is an offense.

 

That's what I thought..... If it's not true, should be easy to explain away IMO.

[Trialbyfire]

That's what I thought..... If it's not true, should be easy to explain away IMO.

Usually, yes.

 

It's also reliant on personality type. Is this man normally very loud and obnoxious?

[climbergirl]

Usually, yes.

 

It's also reliant on personality type. Is this man normally very loud and obnoxious?

 

Yes, can be (loud and obnoxious..public outbursts, things like that)

 

When you say reliant on personality type do you mean hates confrontation of any form?

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, can be (loud and obnoxious..public outbursts, things like that)

 

When you say reliant on personality type do you mean hates confrontation of any form?

No, more like someone who's loud and obnoxious and tends to bluff their way through life by overwhelming people with their size, volume of speech, that kind of thing.

 

If he's that type of guy, I wouldn't necessarily say that he's hiding something. More, accustomed to not being questioned about anything.

[Lostgurl]

When i was in this situation, after he got mad for me confronting him, he later came to me and kept asking me if I really thought that he could possibly cheat on me.

 

He also told me over and over that he never ever could cheat, that it was impossible, physically and mentally. This was after he got super mad that i asked him a question about it in the first place.

 

What up with that?

[climbergirl]

When i was in this situation, after he got mad for me confronting him, he later came to me and kept asking me if I really thought that he could possibly cheat on me.

 

He also told me over and over that he never ever could cheat, that it was impossible, physically and mentally. This was after he got super mad that i asked him a question about it in the first place.

 

What up with that?

 

Well, I give him credit for trying to find out why you would think that and saying what he did to possibly reassure you. Maybe he felt you insulted his integrity?

 

However, actions have to follow the words or the words mean nothing.

[Lostgurl]

Well, I give him credit for trying to find out why you would think that and saying what he did to possibly reassure you. Maybe he felt you insulted his integrity?

 

However, actions have to follow the words or the words mean nothing.

 

Could very well be. But, i mean i've caught him in lies, and he would get super mad for me accusing him of lying about something else, when the gut feeling, and proof even, that he's lying is right there. I don't understand how a person can be so righteous when they've been caught with their pants down, so to speak.

 

So. True. Words come tumbling down, without actions to stand there and hold them up.

[climbergirl]

No, more like someone who's loud and obnoxious and tends to bluff their way through life by overwhelming people with their size, volume of speech, that kind of thing.

 

If he's that type of guy, I wouldn't necessarily say that he's hiding something. More, accustomed to not being questioned about anything.

 

And that makes it pretty damn difficult to have a relationship with a person of that attitude.

 

In fact, even when confronted he'd throw it back on me that I have something going on. How does that make sense? If I did, I could care less what he's doing.

[michelangelo]

It could be guilt about a sexual interest in another woman. Or it could have nothing to do with another woman.

 

It could mean the guy doesn't want to admit to or even discuss his lack of sexual interest. Why?

 

He could be impotent and there is no way he will want to admit to that.

 

He could be angry with you and just not interested in sex with you until you read his mind and react as he wishes.

 

It could also mean you are making a mistaken connection between some level of talk about some woman and his lack of sexual interest in you.

 

Yeah, there could be something there, but you have no real evidence of linkage.

 

He not acting like he wants to have sex could be him tired of always initiating, maybe he's waiting for you to initiate?

 

I guess what I am getting at is that an angry response does not damn as guilt for something brewing with another woman. it could mean embarrassment, anger, impotence, or just too tired right now.

 

Not sure if that was helpful

[Saxis]

If I did, I could care less what he's doing.

 

That's easy to say, but if you could care less, why would you bother staying with him in the first place? My STBXW said the same thing, but as soon as she saw one other girl send me a "we should hang out sometime" message, she flipped. This is even after we had been split up a few months. As someone pointed out to me, it was kind of a "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you!" thing...

 

I think the big reaction has more to do with the fact that you've lost trust in him, and he believes he's done nothing wrong. Instead of blindly blaming for things that may or may not have been done, why not express your concerns first?

 

Jealousy is stupid. Nearly unavoidable, but still stupid. I think if it's a chronic problem, you probably shouldn't be in the relationship to begin with.

[Ruby]

Hi CG

 

They say attack is the first form of defense of the guilty!

 

But that does not mean he is guilty of cheating on you. He may be guilty of thinking about someone else? would that be possible?

 

Men just love throwing their toys out of there prams dont they!

 

Send him a text saying "I guess you are guilty of something or you wouldnt have acted like that"

 

That will get him talking and I am sure you know him well enough to know if he is lying

 

Men eh ... Cant live with em, cant shoot em!

[climbergirl]

That's easy to say, but if you could care less, why would you bother staying with him in the first place? My STBXW said the same thing, but as soon as she saw one other girl send me a "we should hang out sometime" message, she flipped. This is even after we had been split up a few months. As someone pointed out to me, it was kind of a "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you!" thing...

 

I think the big reaction has more to do with the fact that you've lost trust in him, and he believes he's done nothing wrong. Instead of blindly blaming for things that may or may not have been done, why not express your concerns first?

 

Jealousy is stupid. Nearly unavoidable, but still stupid. I think if it's a chronic problem, you probably shouldn't be in the relationship to begin with.

 

(First paragraph in bold)

Nah, if I am in a relationship and develop feelings for someone else, then it's time to get out of the relationship. If my heart is somewhere else, no convincing or him dating someone else will get me back.

 

 

(second in italics)

First I need to clarify that the original post was the venting of myself and a few other girlfriends. So the situations were meshed together.

 

In my instance-I don't think he was cheating, nor did I accuse him of cheating. He doesn't even talk about other women, so when he did and this is someone he met when we weren't together, it was uncharacteristic of him-flags went up. I blew it off for a week before saying something. And you're right, maybe saying something made him feel cornered, but how else do you tell a person that you notice something is 'off'. Are they really going to admit it? He was sooo angry, I tried to calm him down and tell him let's just watch the movie, but he yelled some more and just left.

 

So what I'm saying is that if you do notice a difference in behavior it's hard not to say something. I have a girlfriend who wrote her boyfriend a very nice, sweet letter prefacing the whole thing with, "I'm not mad at you, hon, I'm just sad"

 

And he still blew up on her.

 

These reactions are what I don't get.

 

I'm not talking daily accusations, but at an acknowledgement that something is different. And their reaction is to blow up and leave.

[michelangelo]

I know a lot of guys do not like subtle accusations that come off as passive aggressive attacks on their character. Come out and state bluntly what is on your mind. You know, spit it out!

 

On the other hand, an over the top reaction is totally uncalled for.

 

If someone storms out of the house because it was pointed out they noticed a girl, were they drunk? Was it an excuse to go roaming? Maybe. But you just can't know.

 

You shouldn't have to be apologizing for someone else's rude behavior though.

[Trialbyfire]

In fact, even when confronted he'd throw it back on me that I have something going on. How does that make sense? If I did, I could care less what he's doing.

It does sound like a defense/offense situation. It's strange that he would blow up at something so trivial. Maybe you could paraphrase your conversation, so we can get a better idea of what happened.

[climbergirl]

It does sound like a defense/offense situation. It's strange that he would blow up at something so trivial. Maybe you could paraphrase your conversation, so we can get a better idea of what happened.

 

It went something like this and it happened so fast..

 

I'm talking about a subject (and trust me, it was a stupid and irrelevant subject) and he tells me, no, 'A' says this and I start to argue my point when I realize how ridiculous this is...that's when I mention that, WTF, you must really like this girl--you've been talking about her all week. At that point I had blown it off for a week, but it was getting to be a bit much.

 

I think this is what set me off--The stupid subject and him talking about her all week. Not like him at all.

 

He immediately gets angry, really angry. Steps outside for a bit and comes in and sits down. I point out something about the movie we are watching, and he says he's not watching and pissed that I accused him of cheating.

 

I never said he was cheating and stated so. In my mind, I made an observation and this situation brought my observation out into the open.

 

So he says he's leaving and it's over. And, yeah, he shouldn't have been driving.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think he cheated. I did trust him. But if I see a something off, and something in my gut that isn't feeling right..am I suppose to keep quiet?

 

As for him, he can always accuse me of cheating or want to cheat or setting something up to cheat...when I never have cheated. I'm completely loyal.

 

That's why this is perplexing to me. I thought I was doing something wrong..not making him feel secure. Now I'm feeling like it's projection.

[Trialbyfire]

It went something like this and it happened so fast..

 

I'm talking about a subject (and trust me, it was a stupid and irrelevant subject) and he tells me, no, 'A' says this and I start to argue my point when I realize how ridiculous this is...that's when I mention that, WTF, you must really like this girl--you've been talking about her all week. At that point I had blown it off for a week, but it was getting to be a bit much.

 

I think this is what set me off--The stupid subject and him talking about her all week. Not like him at all.

 

He immediately gets angry, really angry. Steps outside for a bit and comes in and sits down. I point out something about the movie we are watching, and he says he's not watching and pissed that I accused him of cheating.

 

I never said he was cheating and stated so. In my mind, I made an observation and this situation brought my observation out into the open.

 

So he says he's leaving and it's over. And, yeah, he shouldn't have been driving.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think he cheated. I did trust him. But if I see a something off, and something in my gut that isn't feeling right..am I suppose to keep quiet?

 

As for him, he can always accuse me of cheating or want to cheat or setting something up to cheat...when I never have cheated. I'm completely loyal.

 

That's why this is perplexing to me. I thought I was doing something wrong..not making him feel secure. Now I'm feeling like it's projection.

That is odd. If I were in the same situation, say I was him, I would probably have laughed off the whole thing, saying something jokingly like "I've got to stop fixating on that man/woman".

 

Have you ever questioned him before about other things, nvm this cheating thing? What was his reaction then?

[climbergirl]

That is odd. If I were in the same situation, say I was him, I would probably have laughed off the whole thing, saying something jokingly like "I've got to stop fixating on that man/woman".

 

Have you ever questioned him before about other things, nvm this cheating thing? What was his reaction then?

 

No, I've never thought he'd cheat.

 

That's why the anger part really is odd.

 

What you said earlier about not being questioned really struck me. Let's say it's a house thing...he'll come in and assess what is wrong with my house, get me really paranoid and say he'll fix it-then, for what ever reason, breaks up with me. But God help me if I enlisted other people to help me in the meantime!

 

It seems I can't say anything without him getting angry enough to bail.

 

It got really frustrating. Me upset or voicing a concern=him bailing. And, that equation compounds problems.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I've never thought he'd cheat.

 

That's why the anger part really is odd.

 

What you said earlier about not being questioned really struck me. Let's say it's a house thing...he'll come in and assess what is wrong with my house, get me really paranoid and say he'll fix it-then, for what ever reason, breaks up with me. But God help me if I enlisted other people to help me in the meantime!

 

It seems I can't say anything without him getting angry enough to bail.

 

It got really frustrating. Me upset or voicing a concern=him bailing. And, that equation compounds problems.

It sounds like there are other issues involved in this. Have you two considered couples therapy? Is he afraid of commitment?

[climbergirl]

It sounds like there are other issues involved in this. Have you two considered couples therapy? Is he afraid of commitment?

 

 

That would be a good thing (couples therapy), but he's not really into that.

 

And, at this point, and if we were together, I'd be just as apprehensive to commit to him. I am all for communicating, but given his way of dealing with every issue that is brought up (breaking up/silent treatment), our communicating tactics are not compatible.

 

I've said as much, and he's realized that he's handling it wrong, but breaks that promise 8 hours later.

[Trialbyfire]

That would be a good thing (couples therapy), but he's not really into that.

 

And, at this point, and if we were together, I'd be just as apprehensive to commit to him. I am all for communicating, but given his way of dealing with every issue that is brought up (breaking up/silent treatment), our communicating tactics are not compatible.

 

I've said as much, and he's realized that he's handling it wrong, but breaks that promise 8 hours later.

I feel for you. He's got some issues that he needs to personally address. It appears that you're shouldering part of his burdens.

[climbergirl]

I feel for you. He's got some issues that he needs to personally address. It appears that you're shouldering part of his burdens.

 

Thanks, TBF. My hands are tied, I can't help solve anything without his help.