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settling


cr8sea

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why is it so hard to not settle. going out with someone who you "like" but arent in love with...hoping ur feelings for that person will change eventually....throughout the whole thing u wonder if its u or them or both....is it that the other person isnt giving you enough? or is it that you have issues with commitment? and you keep going, not truly happy, but it doesnt bother you enough to end it.....

why do we waste so much time

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We all settle to some degree. There's not too many pro football player/Lawyer/Doctor/chef/models out there (mine would have gone more like supermodel/contortionist/trust fund baby, but you get the idea). The way I see it is a like a teeter-totter all the +s on one side and all the -s on the other if the good outweighs the bad, we keep the person. Anyway make list of what you won't negotiate on (be realistic) and if someone doesn't measure up leave immediately. don't waste time on looking at their good qualities thinking they have other +s. Look for the few things that matter most to you

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  • 2 weeks later...
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i guess thats true...but i dont know, i personally dont think i could stay with someone i didnt feel i could end up really caring for eventually. Ofcourse at first it might be a slow progression, but if the potential isnt there then why bother?

I just see too many of my friends settling for they "why not, im bored" type of relationships and they just never end up in anything good. Neither of them grow at all, they both end up hurt, and its just...i dont know...waste of time i think....

I wonder if thats just me...do you people date others that you KNOW the chances of actually liking them is very small??

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SnuggleBunny

I wonder if thats just me...do you people date others that you KNOW the chances of actually liking them is very small??

 

Absolutely not, why bother? If its not there in the beginning its never going to be (well for me at least)

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....is it that the other person isnt giving you enough? or is it that you have issues with commitment? and you keep going, not truly happy, but it doesnt bother you enough to end it.....

why do we waste so much time

 

I think we settled because we think we wont find better...

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wow...but even wonderful girls (and men) do this! it just bewilders me.

 

I dont think i would even go on a second date with someone i didnt feel like at least we could laugh together (MAJOR must for me)....

However close friends of mine, whom i would think have everything going for them (on their way to becoming lawyers, gorgeous, sweet) would go out for several months and even years with men that, as nice as they might be, dont fulfill them, then come and talk day and night about it...but still with them....

I guess im just trying to reason why they would do that...and the worst part is that the poor guys have no idea....its just a bad situation all around...but i honestly dont know what advice to give them (hence why im posting here about it! ;))

 

Not to say i havent had doubts at the beginning of relationships (every single one of them in fact :o) but at least i have make sure that the guys i date have potential and we're compatible enough to make each other happy somehow.

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whichwayisup

I think the majority of answers were aimed at longer relationships, not casual dating, or second dates. Ofcourse you don't settle after afew dates...If you don't feel 'it' then you don't feel it.

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I think it's easier for some to settle than others - perhaps they have a notion/fear that they are lonely or will lead to loneliness unless they are with someone. Personally I'm not one to do such a thing, but I've met many couples in unhappy relationships who do this very thing. Maybe they liked each other a great deal at some point or were ok with the thought of dating each other...and then down the line they just fall into a loop together that they just get 'used to' the other's company.

 

And to top it off some of these relationships are breeding grounds for insecurity. Some would much rather stay with each other than remain single or take a risk at rejection if someone else came along.

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The question is, how do you know if you find somebody better? It's not easy to find someone who can be reliable and trustworthy, loving you and accepting you with all your imperfections. So once you found someone like that it seems unreasonable to lose such a person in favour of future imaginable Mr. Perfect, that possibly lives only in our imagination.

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The question is, how do you know if you find somebody better? It's not easy to find someone who can be reliable and trustworthy, loving you and accepting you with all your imperfections. So once you found someone like that it seems unreasonable to lose such a person in favour of future imaginable Mr. Perfect, that possibly lives only in our imagination.

 

Hm true...but at the same time, if you cant find it in your heart to reciprocate those feelings then to me it seems selfish. that person has the same right as you do to find someone who loves him/her and accepts him/her too. I guess to me a relationship has to be two ways...if my guy is totally in love with me...but i cant love him back, i feel i owe it to him to let him go so he can find what i cant give him....

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There are probably different types of love. There is a crazy obsessive self-sacrificing love, which is usually not reciprocated. Once you experienced that a couple of times, you might decide that it's not worth it. Usually in a relationship one person loves and another allows to be loved. So you have to choose which one you want to be. Often love dies when there is no challenge.

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Hm true...but at the same time, if you cant find it in your heart to reciprocate those feelings then to me it seems selfish. that person has the same right as you do to find someone who loves him/her and accepts him/her too. I guess to me a relationship has to be two ways...if my guy is totally in love with me...but i cant love him back, i feel i owe it to him to let him go so he can find what i cant give him....

 

I'm going give some insight here. You have asked several times... "is it just me?" In this question you are hitting the heart of the problem. You can love anyone you choose... or not love someone by choice. I dont mean to make it sound simple, because it isnt. But you need to realize that nobody can make you love them. Dont wait for some guy to come in and just be so awesome that he commands your love! You take control of your own love. Choose to love yourself... choose to love others. Or keep wasting your time, because your right... thats exactly what your doing.

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Yes i have asked if is it just me, regarding my initial reaction to the guys i date. My insecurity etc. But as i said in postss from this threat. I dont date guys i know from the get go, dont have the potential for me to care for them. Fortunately, my current relationship has evolved to the point that im not questioning it and my feelings as I did when i first started seeing him (Ive realized my initial doubt is something i do in all my relationships)

 

This question isnt about me or who im dating, its about how people choose to go out with people who they know dont have a connection of any kind to begin with. A friend keeps asking me what she should do regarding her boyfriend of 4 years, whom she knows she could never marry because she just doesnt feel it for him, yet she keeps dragging it on and on. At this point i dont know what to tell her, in one hand i cant understand why she is wasting her time, in the other i understand the feeling of "but we've been together for so long and know each other so well". She knew they didnt connect with him after three months of dating but she continued in a half assed relationship nonetheless......

 

Why??? and what is the best choice at this point? I say break it off, better now than marry someone who she doesnt love (he asked ehr to marry her)...but if i even mention breaking up, she breaks out in hives....is this a typical "cant be alone" situation???? i wonder....

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Ah, sorry I failed to see the friend connection.

 

Well, she is probably my favorite type of girl. The shopper! Always looking for a better deal. I'd have to meet her but all the signs are there. Back-up guy securely in place... waiting for something better to show up and sweep her away!

 

She needs to figure out what she is shopping for, A better looking guy, a more succesfull guy, a tougher guy... ect. Only then can she begin to fix her internal issues, cause that connection is in her head.

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PoshPrincess

Cr8sea, I know exactly how you feel - and I'm in my mid 30s!!!! I am in yet another one of those Rs now. I seem to be a serial monogomist. Meet someone, have strong feelings for them, after a couple of years those feelings seriously subside and I KNOW I am not with Mr Right (is there such a thing?!!!) but I just keep hanging on. Why?

 

Two years ago, I finally had the strength to leave my LTP and rather of my child after an 8 year R. That was the scariest thing I have ever had to do and I swore that I would never get myself into that sort of R again, yet here I am. I DO think it's me and wonder if I will ever be fully satisfied with someone. The only comfort I have now is that I am not desperately looking for someone to settle down and have a family with. Yes, I would like to meet my life partner, and would like more kids, but I have my son and if the rest doesn't happen then I guess it isn't the end of the world. I just feel permanently dissatisfied! :( Maybe some people have lower esxpectations of life than others. Who knows?

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I don't believe in settling but people should know that perfection does not exist and that any relationship just like anything else in life will hit a few bumps along the road. It is good to have standards but make sure it is humanly possible for somebody to live up to those standards.

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[tbf rant]I can never understand why people settle. While no one's perfect, there are key ingredients that make for either a great relationship or a bland one. You limit yourself if you settle. No doubt the high goes away after awhile but then it should be replaced by real love, trust and respect for each other through honestly liking the other person for who they are.

 

I look at my historical trend of dating and even my marriage. In all situations when irreconcilable differences appeared, I've walked away, no matter how much I've cared. There will always be someone else for you so why stay and continue to take crap from someone, especially and particularly when the other person isn't going to put in equal effort.

 

Don't cling to someone who isn't going to make you happy in the long run. Get out before it gets worse.[/rant over]

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After the high goes away not only we don't feel in love anymore, we discover things we don't like about the person. Everything new becomes old, and that's why settling is inevitable.

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