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People who disappear/ignore you


shadowplay

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Does anybody else feel like the worst thing that could happen relationship-wise is to be going out with somebody, think things are great, and then they suddenly disappear and you never hear from them again? I'm not so scared of being dumped face to face, but the idea of being totally tossed aside without an explanation or word really freaks me out for some reason. I feel like if that were to happen to me I would never have any closure and it would be very hard for me to get over it. This kind of thing has happened to me before with friends and it looks like it may be happening now with the guy who I've been seeing.

 

Some examples. I had close female friends growing up who suddenly started ignoring me -- I mean quite literally not even saying a word when I tried to speak to them -- and I never got an explanation why. This haunted me for years because I felt like I was defective in some way but nobody would tell me how so I couldn't change it. Just recently there was a professor who I had gotten to know well and had been proising me for ages he would get me involved in this film shoot he was doing. He told me two weeks ago the film shoot was happening this weekend, what my role would be, and asked me to call a few days in advance. Which I did... He never returned my calls and he is always prompt about doing that. I know I will probably never hear from him again. But why?? I was going to ask him for a recommendation and now I can't even do that. The worst part is you can never follow up with/contact these people later on because you don't want to appear needy or like you're harassing them.

 

And imagine if you were dating somebody for awhile and they suddenly disappeared and stopped responding to your calls. How can you even get closure in a situation where you have no clue why they didn't want you, what if anything you did wrong, not to mention whether they're ok or even freakin' alive??

 

I just don't understand why people don't have the decency to respond and offer some sort of explanation. Don't they realize how much this hurts the other person?

 

So my question is how can you trust anybody and let yourself fall in love when you know that person could just disappear at any moment because apparently that's what people do when they lose interest? Whenever something like this happens I feel like never trying again. You can say "you just need to find a guy who's really into you," but it seems like so many guys are good at disguising their disinterest and then suddenly bailing out of the blue that it's impossible to trust anyone.

 

Are most people just rotten? I don't think cowardice is any excuse. If they were decent enough their impulse to do the right thing would overcome their impulse to avoid confrontation.

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You know Shadow,

 

I used to feel like this was the worst thing that could happen.

 

However, you know, there are worst things. I have been dropped and it kind of makes you think...wtf. I even called someone once just to make sure they were still alive. Upon realizing they were, I could then freely hate them. It was all the closure I needed.

 

It is the ones that try to keep you on a string while wallowing in a pool of selfishness that IMO is worse.

 

I agree the best way to end a relationship with someone is to respectfully, thoughtfully and directly do it. Face to face is best. Some people just can't and avoid or ignore. It really says more about them then it does you.

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I'm glad you understand. It really does elicit a kind of WTF?? reaction. I just wonder how common this kind of thing is...and if there are some warning signs that would cue you in before you get involved with such a person. The guy who did that to you...how long had you been dating and did you think your reationship was going well before it happened? What did he say when you finally reached him? I know it's inevitable that I'll encounter flakes occasionally, but I wish there was some sort of way of screening them out to protect myself.

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I'm glad you understand. It really does elicit a kind of WTF?? reaction. I just wonder how common this kind of thing is...and if there are some warning signs that would cue you in before you get involved with such a person. The guy who did that to you...how long had you been dating and did you think your reationship was going well before it happened? What did he say when you finally reached him? I know it's inevitable that I'll encounter flakes occasionally, but I wish there was some sort of way of screening them out to protect myself.

 

Some people are just TOO flakey, you don't see them coming!

 

I have been in your situation quite a number of times. The thing is, I consider myself as a caring person. I love my friends, the ones I can actually call a friend, that is.

 

There were also those in the past that I really care about. I always go out of my way to be there for them and in return, I do not get the same treatment. So what did I do? Just ignore them. They didn't bother to tell me what went wrong so why should I even care? I think I'm venting out here... hehe.. sorry.

 

Anyway, someone said or I think I read in a book - treat the person the way you want to be treated - oh booyyyy.... that is full of b***c***!!

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Does anybody else feel like the worst thing that could happen relationship-wise is to be going out with somebody, think things are great, and then they suddenly disappear and you never hear from them again? I'm not so scared of being dumped face to face, but the idea of being totally tossed aside without an explanation or word really freaks me out for some reason. I feel like if that were to happen to me I would never have any closure and it would be very hard for me to get over it. This kind of thing has happened to me before with friends and it looks like it may be happening now with the guy who I've been seeing.

 

Seriously you need to stop and let the dust settle on such matters. As for what this guy does, my question to you is after all that...why does he owe you anything!? Actions speak louder than words, you made your actions going off with some other dude now he's making his response to that clear...if that be the case.

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This happens to me me EVERYTIME I date a guy. Never any closure. It hurts really bad and I don't know if I said or did something that made them disappear or they just lost interest. I am also afraid to ask because I don't want to annoy or bug them. Yes, they all seem nice and normal at first. Then they hook me in and suddenly disappear. By that time my feelings are involved and I get hurt. I just don't understand it all.

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I'm glad you understand. It really does elicit a kind of WTF?? reaction. I just wonder how common this kind of thing is...and if there are some warning signs that would cue you in before you get involved with such a person. The guy who did that to you...how long had you been dating and did you think your reationship was going well before it happened? What did he say when you finally reached him? I know it's inevitable that I'll encounter flakes occasionally, but I wish there was some sort of way of screening them out to protect myself.

 

Well I guess sometimes love is a crap shoot. I have some experience and thinking back... ... ....maybe this has happend to me 2 times. Both times my problem was the I probably rushed the intimacy a little. You know I did not take the time to really know the person.

 

The one I posted about above I was well acquainted with for over 7 years and thought we had a respectable friendship/acquaintance (I did not do my homework and he LIED). He had not only a fiance but another girlfriend. Aaaaagh. No wonder he dropped me. Thank you so much. What a little (oh yes, little) punk.

 

I am much more cautious with my heart now. (Probably overly, but this is my issue)

 

btw, I do believe in treating others as you would like to be treated. I think this is a good philosophy. It's when you find yourself being a doormat that this is a problem, after all you would not treat another as a doormat. It's okay to stick up for yourself. Alot of people have trouble doing this.

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Seriously you need to stop and let the dust settle on such matters. As for what this guy does, my question to you is after all that...why does he owe you anything!? Actions speak louder than words, you made your actions going off with some other dude now he's making his response to that clear...if that be the case.

 

Well, I find these things really hard to let go when I don't have closure. That's the problem. I was speaking more generally than about my current situation. That's a big fear I have always had that makes me very reluctant to trust or get involved with people. It's happened to me too many times.

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Well, I find these things really hard to let go when I don't have closure. That's the problem. I was speaking more generally than about my current situation. That's a big fear I have always had that makes me very reluctant to trust or get involved with people. It's happened to me too many times.

 

Oh, wait.

 

If you went off with another dude then yea, his dropping you is a response to that. Maybe rightfully so?

 

Any closure is something you find within yourself. Any pain or wtf feelings triggered by someone exiting your life is either something you failed at or something they are not able to face about themselves. The only thing you can do is look at yourself, do a maintaince check and fix/accept what you can about yourself. Then hope to be an improved model for the next person who takes notice and who also passes inspection.

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But how will I ever know if that's the reason if I don't hear back from him? It could be any number of things and that's what bothers me. That said I was speaking more hypothetically than about my current situation. Because that's a big fear I have and have always had that makes me very reluctant to trust or get involved with people. It's happened to me too many times.

 

That's why i just say stop for now, give it a week and let it play itself out. You are going to drive yourself hypothetically crazy looking upon past relationships and comparing to the present. It's doing more harm than good, you know this. As you can see the majority of guys would not approve having this done to them and that's realistic to core...BUT that does not mean allguys will not attempt to reconcile and deal with the problem(s).

 

Tell me you would not have had a blow up on LS if he just slipped out for a weekend with some vaguely known girl to you at that point, for some summer weekend fun... a concert, some partying, crash with her. etc...If you think this deeply as you are on this side of the fence imagine being on the other.

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As I mentioned in another thread, I cope with it by pretending they were abducted by space aliens :laugh: There's a lake by me and after seeing the first episode of 4400 (tv show), I envision them all coming back one day like that!

 

Seriously, I wish there were a way to screen for it, but I haven't figured it out yet. I do watch things like if they follow up on plans. I think it's just the way society is going unfortunately. There's so much multitasking and people are so busy, these things happen. One thing I find helps with my disappointment is to look at all plans as tentative until they are confirmed. I will call or e-mail or say in person "are we still on for . . ." That seems to help.

 

As for the professor, it can't hurt to e-mail for the recommendation. You don't even have to mention the shoot. Sometimes people are just spacey & absentminded as opposed to the whole gradual fade & drop thing others do deliberately when they don't want to spend time with a person anymore. The professor may be in the spacey & absentminded category. It can't hurt to ask for the recommendation. You paid and/or borrowed good money for an education, so there's a professional relationship there.

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I just don't understand why people don't have the decency to respond So my question is how can you trust anybody and let yourself fall in love when you know that person could just disappear at any moment because apparently that's what people do when they lose interest? Whenever something like this happens I feel like never trying again. You can say "you just need to find a guy who's really into you," but it seems like so many guys are good at disguising their disinterest and then suddenly bailing out of the blue that it's impossible to trust anyone.

 

Are most people just rotten? I don't think cowardice is any excuse. If they were decent enough their impulse to do the right thing would overcome their impulse to avoid confrontation.

 

That is 'freaky' but it doesn't happen all the time... maybe you had a few bad experiences, but, from my experience, people do not disappear like that.

 

You just met the wrong guys IMO... it is 'coward' like you say to not confront the person in that case.

 

It happens a few times to my best friend... it really pissed her off... but it doesn't happen all the time. She just fell on a few 'losers'...

 

Don't give up... :bunny:

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Trialbyfire

Providing closure is difficult, if not impossible, for the passive-aggressive personality type. If they provide you with closure, what do they get out of it beyond a negative emotional low? Also, no closure leaves a door open for the future, in case they change their minds.

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So my question is how can you trust anybody and let yourself fall in love when you know that person could just disappear at any moment because apparently that's what people do when they lose interest?

 

I don't know. I think most people, when they meet someone who absolutely knocks their socks off, get so carried along with the exhiliration of it all that they desperately want to trust the other person and therefore choose to do so....but once you've had your trust badly shattered, I don't know.

 

Right now I'm watching a cat and a dog playfighting together. They've stopped. The cat's exposing its throat to the dog, and the dog is responding with gentle "grooming" nibbles. That looks very much like love and trust in action. Yet if the same dog spots the same cat running around outside, it'll chase after it with intent to kill. Why? Killer instinct kicks in during the fast pursuit. The dog might like the cat in the normal course of events - but once that chase is happening, all bets are off.

 

Even if I, in all my human sentimentality, don't want to truly believe that, the cat knows better. His instincts tell him he's in real danger, so he runs for his life. In some situations he can trust the dog completely, in others - not at all. He doesn't need to agonise about it; his instincts will keep him right about when he can trust the dog and when he can't.

 

I think the same rules apply to us in matters of the heart. You can lie in a happy afterglow, exposing all your vulnerabilities to a tender lover and know that right at that moment in time you can trust that person completely. In two weeks time, they might decide they're bored of you - and walk away. Perhaps, as you fear, without even letting you know that they've lost interest/don't love you any more.

 

Sometimes it's better for people to just walk away. Better not to get answers. One of the worst things you can hear from someone you thought you had a love affair with, and gave what you believe to have been the best of yourself, to is "I just don't love you, and I never have done."

 

It's so difficult to avoid internalising other people's cruel behaviour and allowing it to leave you feeling defective and unlovable. I think you can only take a tip from the cat. Accepts the best that nature has to offer, but know that the best can be quickly be replaced by the worst. Pay attention to your instincts, and as soon as they tell you it's time to run like the devil, ignore whatever your heart wants you to believe and run.

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Some people are just TOO flakey, you don't see them coming!

 

I have been in your situation quite a number of times. The thing is, I consider myself as a caring person. I love my friends, the ones I can actually call a friend, that is.

 

There were also those in the past that I really care about. I always go out of my way to be there for them and in return, I do not get the same treatment. So what did I do? Just ignore them. They didn't bother to tell me what went wrong so why should I even care? I think I'm venting out here... hehe.. sorry.

 

Anyway, someone said or I think I read in a book - treat the person the way you want to be treated - oh booyyyy.... that is full of b***c***!!

 

 

I too consider myself a caring person and particularly agree with what I put in bold. Following the 'treat others how you wish to be treated' will never bring any success not only in relationships but also in no other area, even with friends & family! I've learned now that you have to be a c*nt to get ahead in life I'm just not very good at actually doing it :o:(

 

I dunno which I hate more though being totally blown off for nothing without any explanation or being given a sugarcoated, completely fake reason. I think maybe I feel more insulted when I get told how nice I am and how much of a great catch I am while getting dumped. I get more of a 'WTF?!?!?' feeling in that instance. Atleast when you're blown off you know 100% that person has zero interest in you rather than being left with that false feeling of decency.

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One of the worst things you can hear from someone you thought you had a love affair with, and gave what you believe to have been the best of yourself, to is "I just don't love you, and I never have done."

 

Actually I'd prefer to hear that, atleast you're getting the truth!

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Seriously, I wish there were a way to screen for it, but I haven't figured it out yet.

 

Yeah you have, your alien friends are removing them before they become more of a threat to anyone :laugh:

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Actually I'd prefer to hear that, atleast you're getting the truth!

 

What's truth? As honest as people might aspire to be, people, relationships and situations are dynamic. When feelings change, or die altogether, it's easy to invalidate the original feeling - or believe that it never existed. So when it comes to the feelings people have about eachother, there are problems inherent in presenting (or accepting) anything as an absolute truth.

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I can totally relate to this thread. There is this woman I used to hang around with. For the last few years, we just chat once in awhile. I've stopped calling her because what happens is, she doesn't hear from me for 6 months and calls me. After she does her talking, I'll fill her in on things. She interupts me and says she has another call. Then she comes back and asks if she can call me back and she never does....until 6 months later.

 

The other day I called her because I wanted to know if her kids could use a store gift certificate that I wasn't going to use. I was planning to sell it for half of what it was worth. She didn't want it (because her kids shopped at "better stores") and she filled me in on things with her. I started to tell her stuff about me and she said to hold on because someone was at the door. She came back and asked if she could get back with me.

 

After hanging up, I realized it was fake....there was no one at the door.....I didn't even hear any background noise. I called her back and got her machine and told her I knew what she did and I'd never call her again.

 

This is why I'm sick of people.

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^are you male or female?

 

another thing that happened to me recently...

there's this girl I knew in college (I just graduated recenty). We were semi-friends/aquaintances and she taught an extracurricular class I took. She's one of my facebook friends and I recently saw on her fb profile that she will be attending a grad school where I take classes and am thinking of applying. I wrote a friendly message on her wall saying it was great that she was going there and i was thinking of applying also. she wrote a message back on my wall which was a bit weird and unfriendly that read: "where are you applying and what for in particular?' no hi, how are you or anything. i wrote a longish message back on her wall about where i was applying and asked her why she had chosen that school...if it was a good place to go, etc. I waited two weeks and no response. Finally I sent her a private message and asked her if she would be so kind as to tell me why she had chosen that school because i'm seriously considering going there. She never responded.

 

WTF? I've always been nothing but very friendly to her. What motive would she have for blatantly snubbing me like that? The only thing I can think of is about a year ago I liked this guy who she ended up dating but that was before they were together and I even knew that she liked him and I stopped showing interest in him when I found out they were dating. It would be really infantile for her to act like this to me because of that.

 

I'm sick of people too...

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^are you male or female?

 

another thing that happened to me recently...

there's this girl I knew in college (I just graduated recenty). We were semi-friends/aquaintances and she taught an extracurricular class I took. She's one of my facebook friends and I recently saw on her fb profile that she will be attending a grad school where I take classes and am thinking of applying. I wrote a friendly message on her wall saying it was great that she was going there and i was thinking of applying also. she wrote a message back on my wall which was a bit weird and unfriendly that read: "where are you applying and what for in particular?' no hi, how are you or anything. i wrote a longish message back on her wall about where i was applying and asked her why she had chosen that school...if it was a good place to go, etc. I waited two weeks and no response. Finally I sent her a private message and asked her if she would be so kind as to tell me why she had chosen that school because i'm seriously considering going there. She never responded.

 

WTF? I've always been nothing but very friendly to her. What motive would she have for blatantly snubbing me like that? The only thing I can think of is about a year ago I liked this guy who she ended up dating but that was before they were together and I even knew that she liked him and I stopped showing interest in him when I found out they were dating. It would be really infantile for her to act like this to me because of that.

 

I'm sick of people too...

 

 

I'm female. Do you think maybe she didn't want you going to the same school as her because of the BF thing?

 

I have to admit that I think it's so funny that we now have to advertise who are friends are online. College kids do it on Facebook, teens do it on Myspace and when I recently joined some local "meetup", each profile had a "Friends" section and these are people much older. Has it all become a popularity contest or something?

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I have to admit that I think it's so funny that we now have to advertise who are friends are online. College kids do it on Facebook, teens do it on Myspace and when I recently joined some local "meetup", each profile had a "Friends" section and these are people much older. Has it all become a popularity contest or something?

 

I agree, it's very annoying. But if you don't have a fb profile at my age you're out of the loop so you kind of feel obligated to because everyone has one.

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I agree, it's very annoying. But if you don't have a fb profile at my age you're out of the loop so you kind of feel obligated to because everyone has one.

 

 

Oh I definately understand that. I briefly dated a guy quite a bit younger than me. I did a search online and saw that he had a FB profile....he didn't put anything on it though but a picture...and he had friends listed too. He really wasn't the type to have a FB out there but guess he felt he had to. Boy did it dawn on me that I was too old for him when I saw that he was out on FB.......:laugh:

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I agree, it's very annoying. But if you don't have a fb profile at my age you're out of the loop so you kind of feel obligated to because everyone has one.

 

 

I have to add to this comment though that......oh, am I soooo glad that I no longer have to do things just because everyone else is doing it. I don't miss those days.....don't miss them at all!

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I don't know. I think most people, when they meet someone who absolutely knocks their socks off, get so carried along with the exhiliration of it all that they desperately want to trust the other person and therefore choose to do so....but once you've had your trust badly shattered, I don't know.

 

Right now I'm watching a cat and a dog playfighting together. They've stopped. The cat's exposing its throat to the dog, and the dog is responding with gentle "grooming" nibbles. That looks very much like love and trust in action. Yet if the same dog spots the same cat running around outside, it'll chase after it with intent to kill. Why? Killer instinct kicks in during the fast pursuit. The dog might like the cat in the normal course of events - but once that chase is happening, all bets are off.

 

Even if I, in all my human sentimentality, don't want to truly believe that, the cat knows better. His instincts tell him he's in real danger, so he runs for his life. In some situations he can trust the dog completely, in others - not at all. He doesn't need to agonise about it; his instincts will keep him right about when he can trust the dog and when he can't.

 

I think the same rules apply to us in matters of the heart. You can lie in a happy afterglow, exposing all your vulnerabilities to a tender lover and know that right at that moment in time you can trust that person completely. In two weeks time, they might decide they're bored of you - and walk away. Perhaps, as you fear, without even letting you know that they've lost interest/don't love you any more.

 

Sometimes it's better for people to just walk away. Better not to get answers. One of the worst things you can hear from someone you thought you had a love affair with, and gave what you believe to have been the best of yourself, to is "I just don't love you, and I never have done."

 

It's so difficult to avoid internalising other people's cruel behaviour and allowing it to leave you feeling defective and unlovable. I think you can only take a tip from the cat. Accepts the best that nature has to offer, but know that the best can be quickly be replaced by the worst. Pay attention to your instincts, and as soon as they tell you it's time to run like the devil, ignore whatever your heart wants you to believe and run.

 

Soooooooooo beautifully spoken lindya ! :) I love how you write and get deep into the heart of our souls.....

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