atx1229 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Ok, so I have been dating my GF for 8 months now. We have had a great 8 months, we can talk hours, spend all day together, and we don't fight that much. We are very touchy feely, we always hold hands, we often give each other pecks in public and hug/walk with arm around each other. We are also intimate behind closed doors. We are both in college, she is 20, I am 23. She currently is at home for the summer and I have gone to visit her twice and both times we seemed to be very in love and on fire. This morning she called me and her tone was not right. She randomly asked me "do you wanna just be friends?" I was kinda taken a back by this and I asked her to explain. She went on to tell me that she was nor has she ever been physically attracted to me. She said she just didn't want to tell me cuz she didn't want to hurt me. She also said that she was in love with my inside, just not my looks. I asked her if she wanted to dump me and she said no, I asked her if she was going to when she gets back into town and she said she would try being with me first. She did say that when she is with me she doesn't feel many of these feelings and the reason she has stayed with me for so long is because of how much i love her and how i treat her. I asked her if she thought she could find someone better than me and she said no. But she kept saying that she wanted someone who was attractive inside and out. I asked her how she could be so physical/happy with me and she could not really explain her actions and she said when she is with me she is happy but in the back of her mind she wishes i was "cuter." I am a little overweight and we have talked for a while about losing weight. I kinda stopped working out and i asked her that if i lost weight like my original plan would she like that; she said yes. (at this point we had been on the phone for a while and she was trying to get off, so I dont know if she answered yes just to shut me up and get me off the phone.) I have never been satisfied with my weight so losing weight had always been a plan for me. Now i seem extra motivated and i even asked her if that was why she was saying these things. She kinda said yes, and told me she would help me work out. Im just confused about this...Can someone really be very, very physical with someone who they are not attracted to? I mean were not talking holding hands for one date, we are talking being very physical and intimate with someone for 8 months! I am sorry this is long and i am new to this site...I guess I'm just looking for some opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Hmmm, I'd like to help, but in my experience ( as a chick) i KNOW, usually by the first date, if I find a guy attractive. Eight months does seem weird ! Have you gotten any ....less attractive : weight gain, bad haircut etc ??? Maybe she met somone who she finds "hot" but is conflicted because she doesn't like the " inside" of him as well as she likes you. Honestly, I don't know, but losing weight and making yourself more attractive for YOU, couldn't hurt. Maybe YOU'LL start getting hit on more and rethink your attraction to HER. Link to post Share on other sites
Rowdy Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 It will probably be best if you get some input from from some females, so hopefully a few respond to your thread. Personally, I do find it hard to believe that she could be intimate with you if she were not somewhat attracted to you physically. Think of it this way: you would probably not be intimate with a female that you were not attracted to, at least to a certain extent. While a person's personality can definitely make them much more attractive, we still have to be attracted to them physically to a certain level. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 It's not that hard to beleive. Females often want security, stability and companionship that comes with a relationship and are willing to be intimate and "put up" with sex. I had a stage that I went thorugh where my criteria for getting in a relationship was "if he doesn't make me want to puke, I will be with him". It was a toss up between being alone and that. It is amazingly HARD to find someone we are strongly attracted to and enjoy their company and personality. At least it's very hard for me. Link to post Share on other sites
NINja Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Maybe its just being apart that does it to her. It would kind of get like that between my now ex gf and myself when I was home from school. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's her problem if she doesn't like you for something that shallow. But don't just sit back and let the **** hit the fan either. Take some action, maybe go to the gym with her, go on your own, start running, etc. With my ex and me, I was always the more fit. I run most days of the week, I bust out push ups and sit ups seemingly at random throughout the day. I'm a muscular 6'3" 195 lbs. But she was a less than lean 5'3" 145lbs. I didn't love her any less. I would take her to the gym with me and we would diet together. See if you can get her to do that with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Bottom line... you can't know whats going through her head. I would start losing weight ASAP and dont let her take advantage of you emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondThePale Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 I was not physically attracted to my ex for the last year of our relationship. We had sex but it was very infrequent. I think there were more emotional things going on that was the problem. Maybe it's some sort of thing going on in her head? I wouldn't stress too much about it b/c anyone that would say that to you is just cold. She could've told you she was just not in love or anything other than that blow to your self esteem. Start working out, show her how good you look and then you'll start doing it for YOU b/c it'll make you feel so much better. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 I am a female and I would never say something that tactless to someone I cared about. I think you should let her date her "hot" guy and you get yourself in shape. You will find a girl who will love you even if you do put on a few extra pounds from time to time. You both are very young so I guess at her age (20) she is looking for that hot guy. She will find out as time goes on that the inside is so much more important in the long run. The exterior will fade but a beautiful heart and mind is forever! Good Luck and you just keep being the way you are and life will reward you. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Let her go. Go back to the gym and work your *ss off, get fit and many more girls will find you attractive inside and out. Maybe she was hoping to eventually feel more attracted to you, but for 8 mos. she basically took advantage of you by enjoying your treatment. In my opinion that is just ignorant, she should have suggested being "just friends" a long time ago. I say teach her a lesson and when your a hot item after working out and losing weight, she'll feel like dumb *ss and you won't give her the time of day because you'll have too many other chicks to choose from! If you choose to stay friends with her then don't try and make your appearance better in hopes that it will change her mind, do it for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 to be blunt: this girl is a bitch, dump her ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author atx1229 Posted July 26, 2007 Author Share Posted July 26, 2007 Ok, so later that day she called me and we had a long talk. I didnt mention that she had been in europe for 10 days and just got back from her vacation. She explained to me that some of her emotions had been driven by all the "hot" European men she had seen. I was getting emotional and reminiscing about our past, from our first date to when she left to go home for the summer. At one point she could tell I was getting emotional and she kept saying "You know I love you" and telling me she never said she didnt love me...I guess it settled me down. She had also been trying to lose weight for a while now and she said she wanted both of us to work out together and both look better physically. Then the next day she called me and we seemed to talk like normal...I am very confused! She has been known to have moods and she often says mean things (never this hurtful) she doesnt mean. She has done it from the beginning and when i first questioned her about it she just answered "its just me" I guess I am still confused!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 How do you know that working out will be good enough for her? What if she decides that you still aren't "cute" enough for her after all that work and dumps you? And what about next time she's around any "hot" guys? What if it makes her think this way again? She's already hurt you. And I'm sorry but if you really "love" someone it's because of the way they are already, not because they have potential to be what you would rather they be. But if you two decide to try and work this out, she needs to work on this habit of saying "mean" things to you. There is no excuse for putting people down like that..."That's just me" is not a good excuse. If she loves you she would never say or do anything to hurt you in any way. And for her to do it over and over only to convince you she "didn't mean it", that's like, the same as verbal abuse. Tell her you want to be with someone who loves you for everything you are everyday, not just sometimes. That's B.S. But I wish you the best of luck and ya never know if I"m totally wrong about her but seriously you probably deserve better and just don't realize it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 atx, are you sure this is the kind of person you want to be with? If she often says mean things to you that is a clear indicator that she lacks respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 There is no way I could stay with someone who told you the things she said. She basically told you she has been living a lie for the last 8 months. DO NOT lose weight for her but do it for yourself. She doesn't deserve you and you deserve a women that loves you ( inside and out ) and thinks your her Bee's knees. Don't spend another minute with such a cold hearted person as there are to many people in this world that will appreciate you, for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author atx1229 Posted July 26, 2007 Author Share Posted July 26, 2007 maybe I am letting my emotions get the best of me...she is not mean alot I should not have used the word "often" and when it is its not aimed at me personally its just being rude in general. She does not verbally attack me or put me down. I would say over the past 8 months she has had one of her moods at most once a month mostly once every two months. I think she really loves me, and she just is letting her emotions get the best of her. I talked to her best friend and she thinks she did that so I would be motivated to get in shape. To the day that she told me what i posted she has always been good to me. She is my best friend, and I can tell she loves me, by the way she looks at me the way she talks to me, the way she wants to be around me 24/7, when she left in may to go home she was very, very emotional. I mean constant crying for about a week. I could be all wrong though, all i know is that she has been the perfect person and the perfect GF for the past 8 months and until that day i knew we would be together for a long time. Now I still believe she loves me, but i think she didnt think before she spoke. She even told me that nothing she had said in the past 8 months was a lie (she has told me she wants to be with me forever, loves me, etc...) Link to post Share on other sites
fray718 Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 atx, I don't think that the past 8 months were a lie. I have this feeling that she does love you, but like in any relationship things aren't perfect, and cuz she's young she has second thoughts. I personally would not be with someone like this. What she said was very disrespectful and if you choose to stay with her, you have to at least let her know that what she said was not acceptable and that you will not tolerate her doing it again. Stand up for yourself. This will also make you appear more attractive to her. Also go work out, but do it mainly for you and not for her. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 she was nor has she ever been physically attracted to me To me this is a HUGE red flag that you shouldn't just ignore. Eventually she will meet someone that she finds "cute" and that likes her back and you will get the line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Link to post Share on other sites
DateAnalyzer Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Ok, so I have been dating my GF for 8 months now. We have had a great 8 months, we can talk hours, spend all day together, and we don't fight that much. We are very touchy feely, we always hold hands, we often give each other pecks in public and hug/walk with arm around each other. We are also intimate behind closed doors. We are both in college, she is 20, I am 23. She currently is at home for the summer and I have gone to visit her twice and both times we seemed to be very in love and on fire. This morning she called me and her tone was not right. She randomly asked me "do you wanna just be friends?" I was kinda taken a back by this and I asked her to explain. She went on to tell me that she was nor has she ever been physically attracted to me. She said she just didn't want to tell me cuz she didn't want to hurt me. She also said that she was in love with my inside, just not my looks. I asked her if she wanted to dump me and she said no, I asked her if she was going to when she gets back into town and she said she would try being with me first. She did say that when she is with me she doesn't feel many of these feelings and the reason she has stayed with me for so long is because of how much i love her and how i treat her. I asked her if she thought she could find someone better than me and she said no. But she kept saying that she wanted someone who was attractive inside and out. I asked her how she could be so physical/happy with me and she could not really explain her actions and she said when she is with me she is happy but in the back of her mind she wishes i was "cuter." I am a little overweight and we have talked for a while about losing weight. I kinda stopped working out and i asked her that if i lost weight like my original plan would she like that; she said yes. (at this point we had been on the phone for a while and she was trying to get off, so I dont know if she answered yes just to shut me up and get me off the phone.) I have never been satisfied with my weight so losing weight had always been a plan for me. Now i seem extra motivated and i even asked her if that was why she was saying these things. She kinda said yes, and told me she would help me work out. Im just confused about this...Can someone really be very, very physical with someone who they are not attracted to? I mean were not talking holding hands for one date, we are talking being very physical and intimate with someone for 8 months! I am sorry this is long and i am new to this site...I guess I'm just looking for some opinions. I would make her CRY if it was me, no way would a female ever say anything like that to me and thinks it's ok Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 By choosing to give her another chance you are also choosing to let her hurt you again...not by necessarily saying anything mean to you, but in some other way, cuz there are a billion ways for someone to hurt your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Daniellezll Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay with this girl. After 8 months, she should have known if she was attracted physically to you, or if physical attraction meant that much to her. If a guy said this to me after 8 months, even after losing weight and trying to look mre attractive, I'd be paranoid. I'd be second guessing whether he was looking at other girls, or if he was attracted to me after weight loss etc. I wouldn't feel as confident with someone who I thought didn't like the way I looked. You sound like a really nice guy, so you should be able to meet a girl who likes both how you look and the kind of person you are, so you can be happy. If she's questioning to herself whether she could find someone better looking, she can't really care about you as much as you seem to care about her. Link to post Share on other sites
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