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BF inconsistent behavior


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BF and I getting along pretty well lately. however, one thing drives me crazy is sometimes he can be thoughful, usually cares about my feelings and all. but sometimes he can be so I guess the word is jerky--example: we're at the beach the other day. i had 2 big bags i was carrying, he had none. so i looked at him and llooked at the bags and he just shrugged and kept walking. and when i call him on his behavior he just says "oh well"--this happens often enuf its bugging me. sometiems i think his ex did such a number on him, where he's afraid to be too kind, or needs to keep an "edge" ,maybe ......she took such advantage of him. how to figure out his behavior??

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I've been burned badly before and this doesn't seem "jerky". At least not to me. I don't know you or the relationship or the circumstance, but I do know that if he offered to open the door all the time, or carry you over the threshold etc etc etc, you would get sick of it...and he is not about to go that extra mile if you don't show him first. Lead by example. You know he was burned before..show him that hey, you aren't gonna expect him to do everything for you..I think he realizes this and does some nice things, but if he waits on you hand and foot..it would be no better than his last relationship..gotta give to get.

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I've been burned badly before and this doesn't seem "jerky". At least not to me. I don't know you or the relationship or the circumstance, but I do know that if he offered to open the door all the time, or carry you over the threshold etc etc etc, you would get sick of it...

 

I'm sorry, but come on. Are you serious? Anyone who acts like that and then just shrugs it off with an "oh well" does sound like a jerk to me. I understand this inherent male need to be dominant and "nondoormattish" but come on.

 

My advice is to let him be macho on his own. I jest somewhat, of course, but that's just a perfect example of taking the idea of being macho a little too far. Next time he wants a "favor" from you, shrug and walk off saying "oh well". I'm sure he'll appreciate that you're just "protecting" yourself from getting "walked on".

 

It's no wonder so many men can't understand why women don't give themselves up to them sometimes.

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Taken alone as an isolated incident this might not constitue jerky behavior, but you say he does this sort of thing with some frequency. Most people walking along with even a casual acquaintance would offer to carry some of the load if it was clear the other person was loaded down. It is called courtesy and considerateness. And even if it was just a thoughtless slip, it seems he would have said something like Oh, I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking or something like that. Based on what you said he said "Oh well" it seems like he didn't CARE how you felt, like he was entitled to do whatever he wanted, even be inconsiderate and that it was no big deal. If he is so damaged that he can't allow himself to extend a common courtesy, that alone would be a concern to me, because how would it carry over into even more severe stuff later on in the relationship. I hate to be devils advocate here, but you say he was badly burned. There could be more to that story than you know beneath the surface. Men who turn out to be emotionally or verbally abusive often start out with minor things like what your bf did cause they get some sort of power feeling over seeing you suffer. I'm not saying he is or ever would be abusive, but it is something to consider if he is now so incosiderate that he could care less if you are weighted down with all the bags while he is walking away carefree. I would say not to make too much out of this one incident, but do read up on abusive type relationships (and they rarely start out being overtly abusive but stuff starts to surface at first in more subtle ways). If you start to see a pattern that fits the criteria you have studied up on, then proceed with caution. Even if he was badly burned and is just acting out now, there is no reason why you should be the target of that repressed anger or whatever it is. If that turns out to be the case, maybe some therapy would help him. But if he is JUST a jerk, I think you will start to see more and more indicators of it. And abusive men or women do alternate the abusive stuff with kindness and hearts and flowers etc.---I mean they aren't abusive 24/7. The problem is when you are in a relationship with an abuser is you get accustomed to tolerating more and more bad behavior until it almost becomes the norm. That is why I say study up on it, so you can at least be aware of what some of the signs are. Good luck. P>S> And they also generally portray themselves as having been the victim in virtually ever relationship they ever had.

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I'm really starting to see why I am single. If he'd pulled that on me I would have said "look a**hole - grab one of these bags! What kind of crap are you trying to pull?" I have a feeling we wouldn't be going out very long.

 

So - what will YOU do the next time he pulls this? First off, I would suggest not bringing more baggage than you can carry comfortably. Are you going to stand up for yourself, or let him be a jerk?

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i really don't think he'd be abusive as we've been together awhile and i havent seen any signs. i try to 'train" him a little, like from the start of our dating lookign at him until he came over and opened the car door for me. i think things like that are signs of respect. i dont expect him to do eevryhting for me, but is chivalry really so dead? i mean, i coudl carry the 2 bags myself, but he''s a pretty strong guy ,even if hes a 98 lb. weakling, its just courtesy. or when its raining, never drops me off in front of a restaurant, for example. sometiems i think he's trying to prove a point, like "i won't be walked all over", maybe he was super chivalrous with his ex-wife.....i just don't know how he can be so caring one minute,then watch as i carry heavy bags....small things when taken alone, yes, but still troubling.....

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also, the ever popular won't hold my pocketbook when i try something on in a store..i mean, come on guys, what's up with that??

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Ok...so...he's being "jerky" and you're trying to "train him." Got it. I think if you stopped trying to "train him" and took care of yourself - he would stop being a "jerk." You're playing a pure power game with this guy and you are complaining that he isn't cooperating. You might want to find a guy that enjoys this type of power structure - there's a ton of submissive men on this planet that will treat you like a queen if that's your thing. Get the chivalry thing out of your head, though. It never really existed.

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i like that, "grab one of these bags, a**hole"...right to the point! i thouhgt about saying something like that, but i didn't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking it mattered that much, like i couldn't carry them on my own. they weren't all that heavy, but since he had nothing, come on!! if he was always like that iwoudl say "jerk for sure"--but again, he can be sweet, those times are so out of character!

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eh, maybe "train" was the wrong word. i just meant, let him know how i expect to be treated. in other words, open the damn car door for me! cause the more i or any other woman let men get away with not doing stuff like that the less they will do for us. its all about respect....;)

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I see what you are saying. I'm thinking that he's not of the same mindset, however. It might be that he's looking for a more "egalitarian" relationship, and views your attempts to get him to be "chivalrous" as a power play - and I think in some ways it is. You've decided what behaviors you require from your boyfriend and he feels pressure that is causing him to be unreasonable. I would back off on enforcing your preferences for now. Once he feels more comfortable in the relationship, then he will do the things you mentioned because he knows you like it, rather than because he needs to prove his loyalty. Sometimes we need to give a little to get a little!

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i can see where he might take things liek that as a "power play"--maybe it is a little. but i think i've proven my loyalty towards him, i 'm not trying to emasculate him....just the opposite, i want him to be what a man should be. i mean, you see your GF struggling to hold bags, how is that a test? its common courtesy i would expect of a female friend, let alone my BF! it just seems at odd times he's taking a stand, for silly stuff.

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I think he's rejecting your definition of masculinity. I do know that if I were going out with a guy, and he told me "women should always wear make-up and high heel shoes, should speak in a quiet tone and never publicly disagree with their man," I would have a problem with that. Not that I'm against make-up, high heels or courtesy, but the simple fact that it's a criteria for being a "real woman" would drive me away. I don't think that you are going to be able to mold this guy into a defined set of behaviors. He is taking a stand - but is it against silly little things - or the larger issue that he's feeling evaluated against a template that he doesn't want to conform to?

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but again, isn't it mostly common courtesy you would do for a freind? or he woudl do for his sitser, or his mom, a female stranger...why take a stand on such stupid things? is it a test?

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I think most people wouldn't think twice about holding a door for someone, carrying their bags, etc. as long as it's not an expectation. My friends wouldn't be upset if I opened a door sometimes, but not always. If they got pissed every time I didn't open the door - then we'd have an issue. You're of the school of thought that there are certain courtesies due a woman, just based upon their gender. Your boyfriend doesn't agree and is fighting you on this. I don't think you're going to win this one with him.

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Lauriebell82

How about saying "hey hun, these are heavy can you grab one?" If he says no and walks off he's being a jerk. Sometimes guys don't pick up on suttle non-verbals like that. Yeah its common curteousy and all, but guys can be dumb sometimes and don't always realize what women want (sorry guys, no offense). Next time, just ask him or tell him what you need, if he gets pissed off talk to him about why he is reacting this way. You guys are having barriers in communication, hey it happens.

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How about saying "hey hun, these are heavy can you grab one?" If he says no and walks off he's being a jerk. Sometimes guys don't pick up on suttle non-verbals like that. Yeah its common curteousy and all, but guys can be dumb sometimes and don't always realize what women want (sorry guys, no offense). Next time, just ask him or tell him what you need, if he gets pissed off talk to him about why he is reacting this way. You guys are having barriers in communication, hey it happens.

 

 

I 100% agree that this is the right way to handle the situation. Couldn't have said it better.

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i know, why don't men pick up on subtle clues? its so frustrating having to exlpain everything in minute detail

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