Power struggles...

[Chinook]

I wasn't sure where else to put this...

 

Me: Female, 37, single, no kids.

Him: Male, 34, divorced, two kids.

 

I've been dating my b/f for 6 months now. We live around 3 hours drive from each other but he works in IT and is able to work from home during the week - so he does so from my house Tuesday to Friday. He sees his kids at the weekends and during school holidays.

 

Basically, we're having some problems which are kinda hard to quantify. The problems feature constant bickering and fighting at the moment (not physical). He is very often making comments and jokes at my expense which I don't take kindly to - but generally I let things go because I don't want another fight. We had a mother of all fights last week and he stayed home (his choice). Generally some of the things which are concerning me are...

 

I feel like I don't have a voice in discussions

I feel unheard when expressing myself

I can't express how I really feel about things for fear of reprisals

I often keep opinions to myself for the sake of saving an argument

I feel like I have been silenced by his attitude on things

I think he sees himself as the most important thing in this relationship

I feel that he is trying to be controlling so I fight against it

I feel that he doesn't value my contributions

My issues aren't as important as his and never will be it seems

My words are misinterpreted either on purpose or intentionally twisted

My intentions don't come out right or he sees things which aren't true and jumps to his own conclusions.

 

This is a relationship which previously has been very intense and I would have said we were very close. Last week he went home and basically he was sullen and distant. I had asked him whilst he was here several times what the problem was and he said 'nothing' or 'I'm tired'. I understand when a guy can't be pushed on something not to push it. But, the distance he created (not being intimate, ignoring me etc) made me think he may have actually been ready to end things and I didn't know why. So over last week whilst he was at home an intense fight broke out over email. I told him all of the above and explained that I didn't know why he was pushing me away and why things were suddenly different. He still didn't really answer any of the discussion points and nothing was really resolved.

 

The problem is this is the fourth time this has happened. As I explained to him, I would be as happy as a pig in muck if it weren't for these tensions being created - from my point of view by him. I've asked him time and again what his problem is and got nowhere because there doesn't seem to BE a problem. He says the women in his life have always been high maintenance - but it's almost like he creates these situations in order to garner some high intensity emotion.

 

So basically, I've reached breaking point. The problem is, I really think a lot of him. I didn't want to lose him - up until today. He was supposed to come to my house this week as usual and spend 6 days with me. The premise of which was 'sorting all this out'. But whilst I was at work today I was sat at my desk and burst into tears because I don't want to feel as bad as I did last week and as great as things are when we make up, things in between are pretty bad. He decides when he'll speak to me either by phone, email or MSN. I have no choice but to hang around waiting for him to contact me. In addition to that I've found that he's befriended quite a number of my male and female friends - so I can't actually talk to any of them in confidence about this issue now.

 

So this afternoon I wrote him an email asking him not to come this week because I couldn't face another fight, or being made to feel responsible for us not succeeding. I asked him and explained that given what has happened and considering his pushing me away hurt me quite alot considering how close we'd been - I just needed some time and space to get used to how distant we are now. I felt it was too soon to see him.

 

Now, he's ignoring me.

 

I'm really at a loss because I feel like I can't do or say anything for myself now - I feel like I should have let him come here and that would have made me uncomfortable in my own home.

 

I just have no clue how long I can deal with this. I know I should probably walk away but it's not easy to switch off the feelings.

 

Sorry I'm rambling

[frygirl]

Forgive me, but for my reply I am going to completely ignore the reason for the fight and the underlying unhealthy trend this relationship has been in. Any number of us here can tell you to cut your losses and run because the relationship is not working for you, but I think you need to analyze your reasons for your recent actions and figure what it is you really want.

 

Why did you really cancel your week together? Was it really becasue you felt uncomfortable about it or was it a power play? Were you trying to force him to address the problems in the relationship? Did you think he would reposnd begging to see you and talk to you and now you regret it?

 

You really don't sound like a game player, but it seems the circumstances of this relationship might have pushed you into playing a game with him and it back fired. You probably didn't even realize you were doing it at the time.

 

Right now you need to ask yourself if this is a relationship you want to keep and want to work on. If so, you need to call him and tell him so and let him know that you regret telling him not to come. If not, then you need to use this as a breaking point in the realtionship and take the steps to end it. Figure out what you want and then act on it. No more games.

[chasinghappiness]

Goodness...you poor thing. Some of what you are going through sounds similar to my situation, and I feel lost myself sometimes. What I have to do sometimes is make out a list of pros and cons of the relationship and him. You really need to go over everything about both of you and figure out if he is making you happy or constantly worried and upset. You deserve to be happy and have someone treat you with kindness and respect. Nobody deserves to have their opinions or feelings stepped upon and you always have the right to tell him how you feel.

 

If you ever lose that feeling of confidence, then you should start to seriously look at if he is making your life better or bringing you down. Please try to look at the situation with an open mind and although he may have some nice qualities...Does he compliment you? Make you strive to be the best person you can be? Or...does he bring you down and make you question yourself. Tough questions, I know....been there. Hang in there....I believe in you!

[Chinook]

Why did you really cancel your week together? Was it really becasue you felt uncomfortable about it or was it a power play? Were you trying to force him to address the problems in the relationship? Did you think he would reposnd begging to see you and talk to you and now you regret it?

 

You really don't sound like a game player, but it seems the circumstances of this relationship might have pushed you into playing a game with him and it back fired. You probably didn't even realize you were doing it at the time.

 

I understand your viewpoint and I can clearly see thats how it looks - but the truth of it is, I just couldn't face seeing him - when I thought about greeting him at the door, I just burst into tears because he was so distant here the last time he was here. Also, in the last week, I've kinda rebuilt my home as my sanctuary - so I don't really want to share it right now. I explained that to him. I didn't say I wanted to break up or anything like that. I just explained that I needed some time and space.

 

But I think you're right. I think I need to look at what the future holds

[Chinook]

If you ever lose that feeling of confidence, then you should start to seriously look at if he is making your life better or bringing you down. Please try to look at the situation with an open mind and although he may have some nice qualities...Does he compliment you? Make you strive to be the best person you can be? Or...does he bring you down and make you question yourself. Tough questions, I know....been there. Hang in there....I believe in you!

 

I thought about this alot. He doesn't openly compliment me. He doesn't tell me he loves me unless I have said it first. He never says he is sorry - even if something is blatantly his problem. But I kinda saw those things as small things really. He said he loved me once - without any pre-emptive statements from me and he has never said it since. So I kinda figured that if he's said it once, then unless he says otherwise there is no real reason to assume he doesn't mean it. Although, I guess I could be wrong. The first couple of times this happened I kinda overlooked things and attributed it to being the second phase of a relationship where you're each finding how far you can push the other and I stepped back and gave in on those occasions (as I had done this time). But more and more now, I'm feeling less and less who I was and I'm becoming someone I hardly recognise anymore. It's just really hard to think about walking away as I really do care alot about him.

[frygirl]

I understand your viewpoint and I can clearly see thats how it looks - but the truth of it is, I just couldn't face seeing him - when I thought about greeting him at the door, I just burst into tears because he was so distant here the last time he was here. Also, in the last week, I've kinda rebuilt my home as my sanctuary - so I don't really want to share it right now. I explained that to him. I didn't say I wanted to break up or anything like that. I just explained that I needed some time and space.

 

But I think you're right. I think I need to look at what the future holds

 

I understand how you feel. By letting him back into your home it would almost feel like condoning how he has treated you. You have every right to feel that why and not let him invade your sanctuary. At the same time you need to understand what the reprecussions could be. If you read any thread here where some one is told that their partner needs space or a break, the first peice of advice they are given is to go NC and move on. He is probably viewing what you said as "I want time to decide if I am going to dump you" which is essentially what you want. He is ignoring you because his pride and stubbornness won't let him grovel. He probably is of the mind set that you are broken up now. If that is what you want or what you think is best, then let it be. If not, you need to tell him and figure out if you are just being stubborn as well. I suspect you want him to come be with you, but only under your terms.

[Chinook]

I understand how you feel. By letting him back into your home it would almost feel like condoning how he has treated you. You have every right to feel that why and not let him invade your sanctuary.

Well, it's kinda telling that I did this four times already and it seems to have already set the precedent that he gets what he wants. I wouldn't mind really if that were the case but it's like these things blow up out of nowhere. This last time it's been almost like he has to hurt me to make sure that I feel something for him. It's really messed up - but that's how it feels. One moment everything is fine and the next he's sulky and sullen, doesn't hug or kiss me and sleeps right on the other side of the bed. If I didn't know better I'd swear I'd done something wrong.

 

At the same time you need to understand what the reprecussions could be. If you read any thread here where some one is told that their partner needs space or a break, the first peice of advice they are given is to go NC and move on. He is probably viewing what you said as "I want time to decide if I am going to dump you" which is essentially what you want.

 

I know

I hope though that the strength of the previous relationship we had would tell him that 'space' means exactly that - just space. I didn't lie - but you're right he is going to see it as me pushing him away with a view to ending things when that's not how it is. But it seems no matter how I try to explain things away... what happens is he always comes out with what he wants. So me apologising and he'd end up coming here - even though I can't face seeing him right now. If someone hurts you, why go back for more already..?

 

 

He is ignoring you because his pride and stubbornness won't let him grovel. He probably is of the mind set that you are broken up now. If that is what you want or what you think is best, then let it be. If not, you need to tell him and figure out if you are just being stubborn as well. I suspect you want him to come be with you, but only under your terms.

 

I don't think I am being stubborn, or at least I hope not. It feels like I just need some breathing space to work out what to do more long term. It's like an emotional assault on the senses 24/7 and I guess I reached a point where I just needed a break from it.

 

Like you say though, consequences and I guess I knew that when I hit 'send' on the email asking him not to come this afternoon

 

The question is do I bite the bullet and apologise again and try to put things back on track...? If I do that, how many times is this going to happen before it's too much..? I just don't know that I can keep doing this - to keep him happy - whilst I'm feeling crap.

[chasinghappiness]

It sounds like there are definitely things to address. Those things that you considered "small" are some very important issues and you might not want to look the other way and ignore them. I know that feeling of losing yourself in a relationship (my previous relationship was exactly like that) and I lost friends, became alienated from family and more importantly....lost myself for a while. After realizing that the relationship was more bad than good...I have regained my confidence and understand that I deserve happiness, respect and love. Please look within yourself and determine whether or not you really care enough for him that you are willing to give up who you are and give up having complete happiness in life. I'll keep you in my thoughts...

[Trialbyfire]

He sounds a little emotionally immature. In a successful relationship, both of you have to respect the other person. Based on what you've written, it looks like there's a lack of respect for the other.

 

Perhaps this is what is happening. Maybe he's not pushing you away but showing you who he really is, when he gets comfortable. He does appear to be self-centered. I also think you use breaking up as a way to gain some upperhand with this type of behaviour. You want him to appreciate you which I'm uncertain if he can, not because you don't deserve it, but because of his composite of his nature.

[Chinook]

Please look within yourself and determine whether or not you really care enough for him that you are willing to give up who you are and give up having complete happiness in life. I'll keep you in my thoughts...

I do care for him a lot. But no one should have to give up who they are or their expectations of love and respect should they..?! This is my dilemma. Falling for someone is one thing, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're the right person...which I seem to be finding out. He seemed so different to start with.

[Chinook]

He sounds a little emotionally immature. In a successful relationship, both of you have to respect the other person. Based on what you've written, it looks like there's a lack of respect for the other.

 

Perhaps this is what is happening. Maybe he's not pushing you away but showing you who he really is, when he gets comfortable. He does appear to be self-centered. I also think you use breaking up as a way to gain some upperhand with this type of behaviour. You want him to appreciate you which I'm uncertain if he can, not because you don't deserve it, but because of his composite of his nature.

 

Yes, the person who seems to be comfortable now, doesn't seem to be the one who was presented to me to start with. I guess we all do that though, present the best sides of our nature. This is the thing which I have tried IMO to overcome, I've tried to allow for flaws and idiosyncracies (you wouldn't believe some of the things that have happened). But basically this last time it seemed that he emotionally hurt me just for the hell of it. So basically it feels to me now that having been pushed away, of course I'm wary about going through all this again. I do want him to appreciate me - but each time this has happened, I haven't been the one doing the pushing away - he has. This is the only occasion I asked for a little space. I didn't ask to break up. I just said I didn't think we should see each other this week afterall.

[chasinghappiness]

It may sound silly...but, I DO know exactly what you mean. I felt the same for my ex (and am starting to feel certain tinges of this in my previous relationship). It was very hard for me to realize that he wasn't the one for me, but I've learned so much since then. With my current boyfriend, the dilemmas are much different. He is very caring, tells me every day how much I mean to him, how he wants more than anything to make me happy, rubs my feet (extra little bonus)....But, we do have our arguments. He never raises his voice, but seems to push my buttons in such a way that my voice tends to get loud sometimes. I'm hoping that we can work out our problems, but again...I'm not willing to sacrifice TOO much of myself to make it work. Compromise is important (I'm slowly learning that)...but, always keep true to yourself. There's such a fine line there....goodness....why can't it all just be chocolate and roses???

[chasinghappiness]

By the way...you can get a glimpse of my current problem by reading my discussion "Thanks for listening"....not sure what to do...

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, the person who seems to be comfortable now, doesn't seem to be the one who was presented to me to start with. I guess we all do that though, present the best sides of our nature. This is the thing which I have tried IMO to overcome, I've tried to allow for flaws and idiosyncracies (you wouldn't believe some of the things that have happened). But basically this last time it seemed that he emotionally hurt me just for the hell of it. So basically it feels to me now that having been pushed away, of course I'm wary about going through all this again. I do want him to appreciate me - but each time this has happened, I haven't been the one doing the pushing away - he has. This is the only occasion I asked for a little space. I didn't ask to break up. I just said I didn't think we should see each other this week afterall.

A perfect person doesn't exist, although some people strive for self-improvement. Of course you have to accept idiosyncracies for anyone and hope you find someone who will accept your idiosyncracies, as well.

 

When someone is completely self-centered though, some aren't capable of self-improvement. Look to historical patterns of behaviour, for example, why he is divorced.

[Chinook]

By the way...you can get a glimpse of my current problem by reading my discussion "Thanks for listening"....not sure what to do...

 

Thanks for your kindness. I'll take a look, focusing on someone else's problems might help me distract myself!

[Chinook]

When someone is completely self-centered though, some aren't capable of self-improvement. Look to historical patterns of behaviour, for example, why he is divorced.

 

You know, initially he told me that she controlled him and he ended up doing anything she wanted. So I kinda wonder whether it's a behaviour pattern they both set up and now it's me reaping the benefit of the fall-out. I'm not saying I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination, I'm not. I just feel that I've given an awful lot to this relationship and I'm not seeing a whole lot in return now - whereas I was at the beginning. So it's leaving me confused as to what the hell I did wrong you know..?!

[Trialbyfire]

You know, initially he told me that she controlled him and he ended up doing anything she wanted. So I kinda wonder whether it's a behaviour pattern they both set up and now it's me reaping the benefit of the fall-out. I'm not saying I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination, I'm not. I just feel that I've given an awful lot to this relationship and I'm not seeing a whole lot in return now - whereas I was at the beginning. So it's leaving me confused as to what the hell I did wrong you know..?!

If that's the case, it's backlash symptoms. See, this is why people need to be upfront about their issues and baggage. At least this way, the new partner gets some understanding about why there's adverse reaction over issues that don't appear to be big deals to the other partner.

 

If it's backlash, sit him down and get to the bottom of his behaviour. Don't just list out what he's not providing to you, talk to him about what he's honestly feeling. If he can't open up and communicate, it doesn't matter how many times you take space and make up. Those unresolved differences will just build and build, until the resentment causes the relationship to permanently fracture.

[Chinook]

If it's backlash, sit him down and get to the bottom of his behaviour. Don't just list out what he's not providing to you, talk to him about what he's honestly feeling. If he can't open up and communicate, it doesn't matter how many times you take space and make up. Those unresolved differences will just build and build, until the resentment causes the relationship to permanently fracture.

 

You know, I really wish I hadn't read that. The last three times this happened... I drove all the way down to his place to see him - to talk. I drove there and back in the same day - just to clear the mess up. Each time I had thought we had grown a newer understanding of each other. We both sat and talked about how we felt and what the other was doing or not doing. So for a while things have been good. Then this emotional turmoil hit out of the blue last week. I didn't even see it coming. All I knew was that he wasn't talking to me and he wasn't responding emotionally, intimately or even in email or by phone. So this time, it's bringing me to the conclusion of 'how many times is this going to happen..?' I have a vision of myself as someone who is reasonably well educated, confident with life and (I like to think) at 37, fairly mature. I've been hit by some nasty things in life and I don't complain - it's made me the person I am. But it's also made me think about whether I can and really should compromise myself. I care alot about this guy - but as someone else said, I'm not sure it's enough to completely restructure who I am and who I want to be. Where would it end...? What happens when he's finished changing me into someone who gives in constantly..? Does he then get frustrated and then it becomes abuse of a different level..? I've already had him call me a whore - which I ended up repairing that fiasco by saying I could have reacted differently! So right now, whilst I'm in self-preservation mode I really am trying to see a way forward but I'm scared that the way forward is really without him.

[Trialbyfire]

You know, I really wish I hadn't read that. The last three times this happened... I drove all the way down to his place to see him - to talk. I drove there and back in the same day - just to clear the mess up. Each time I had thought we had grown a newer understanding of each other. We both sat and talked about how we felt and what the other was doing or not doing. So for a while things have been good. Then this emotional turmoil hit out of the blue last week. I didn't even see it coming. All I knew was that he wasn't talking to me and he wasn't responding emotionally, intimately or even in email or by phone. So this time, it's bringing me to the conclusion of 'how many times is this going to happen..?' I have a vision of myself as someone who is reasonably well educated, confident with life and (I like to think) at 37, fairly mature. I've been hit by some nasty things in life and I don't complain - it's made me the person I am. But it's also made me think about whether I can and really should compromise myself. I care alot about this guy - but as someone else said, I'm not sure it's enough to completely restructure who I am and who I want to be. Where would it end...? What happens when he's finished changing me into someone who gives in constantly..? Does he then get frustrated and then it becomes abuse of a different level..? I've already had him call me a whore - which I ended up repairing that fiasco by saying I could have reacted differently! So right now, whilst I'm in self-preservation mode I really am trying to see a way forward but I'm scared that the way forward is really without him.

My apologies. There was no intent to hurt with my comments. I think we all have to decide what we're willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship. Overall though, is it worth giving up self to be consumed by the needs of an overly-selfish individual? You both have to be prepared to give and take. Constantly giving can suck you dry.

[Chinook]

No sorry, I didn't explain well. It wasn't what you said which hurt. It was the realisation that we've already been on the 'trying to sort it out' merry-go-round for a while and he wasn't the one to make the effort. So it makes me realise that if this thing succeeds it will be because I make the effort. Kinda hard to know that someone who you thought loved you equally, isn't prepared to give or to put in the same effort.

 

Thanks for your time and responses - discussing this has kinda helped make a lot of things clearer.

[Trialbyfire]

You're welcome Chinook. Hopefully others will give their input so there's different perceptions and experiences available for you to draw on.

[Chinook]

So...he turned up on Tuesday night at my house. I'd been out with a girlfriend. I wasn't entirely happy to see him (as you can see from above). The thing is though, I was the one who wanted to work on things and try to work out what the hell was happening. I didn't want it to be over really. But he turned up on Tuesday evening and something really weird happened. The power he had over me (what I would have called infatuation or whatever) is completely gone. Tuesday night, we were intimate and I didn't even kiss him. He mailed me at work on Wednesday (whilst still at my house) to ask if we were okay because he'd noticed I was different. All week since then, I've maintained a cool distance and I have to be honest, I'm not entirely sure why... but it seems that if I can protect myself and keep going like that, everything will be fine because he's been as happy as a pig in sh*t all week. Whereas I have still got a lot of questions hanging over our future. From where I am, I don't know what will happen, from where he is, everything seems okay. I don't get it. I haven't exactly been falling over myself to be affectionate - yet he still thinks everything is fine...? wtf is that all about..?