Making life awesome

[oppath]

There's a line from the Ray LaMontagne song, Empty, that strikes me:

I never learned to count my blessings

I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

It certainly rings true for me, especially following a breakup, where negative thoughts, largely from abuse as a kid, are like tapes in my head "I'll never find love, everyone else is better at dating, I don't really have any friends." All those thoughts, of course, are untrue, and completely irrational. But if you think something, you feel it, and it manifests itself as a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I've basically decided no more; like my friend said, there is enough in my life I should be very, very happy, and I don't need anyone's approval or validation, ever, certainly not a woman's.

 

It's going to take some time to truly change and stop dwelling in my disasters and to always count my blessings, but this morning I made a commitment to it.

 

And, I went out, and sort of asked out the barista at the coffee shop I go to every Sunday morning. I've always been hesitant to ask out people in the service industry, but I'm only in town for a couple more months, and figure it's time to take "non-safe" risks. Someone was behind me in line, so it was the business card routine, there is a reason for her to email me, not my most smooth moment, and likely, she has a boyfriend. But she did come up to me later to joke while busing tables, and even if nothing comes of it, I probably made her day, and it's good to venture from beyond the computer as all my other face-to-face ask-outs have been with women that with greater confidence, I'd probably not ask out.

 

The point is: no longer live in fear and anxiety. Take risks. Make my life awesome. Now, I'm going to go work out, and then go kickass at beach volleyball. Life is too short to allow someone else power over my emotions, which is how I've lived the last 5 months. It's time to take that power back; I've been doing all the right things, flooding my life with new and fun activities I enjoy, but I have not been counting my blessings. That is changing, now.

[madgun68]

As long as you're still the same person at your core, then changes are always good. The person who is most responsable for making us happy is ourselves. If that isn't happening, then something definately needs to change.

 

I'm doing pretty much the same thing right now.. It got so bad, I couldn't even see my good qualities anymore. I'd try to see what I had to offer and all I could see were all the bad things I'd done.

 

Charge ahead!

[Star Gazer]

...Ray LaMontagne....

 

*Sigh* Oh, how I love that man. His voice is so incredibly sexy...

 

With all the Trouble you've experienced, maybe you just need to be saaaavvvveeeeddd by a woman.

[oppath]

Nice play on the song, , but of course, I don't want to be saved by a woman. I want to be happy on my own. Problem is, because of things that happened to me as a kid, that gave me anxiety disorders...I started pretty late and haven't ever felt loved. It's one of those weird situations where I can't obtain what I want because I'm wanting it for the wrong reasons. But you never know, I might meet the woman of my dreams tomorrow. Doubtful, but possible. And while I don't think Ray has a sexy voice, his lyrics strike root.

[Trialbyfire]

The point is: no longer live in fear and anxiety. Take risks. Make my life awesome. Now, I'm going to go work out, and then go kickass at beach volleyball. Life is too short to allow someone else power over my emotions, which is how I've lived the last 5 months. It's time to take that power back; I've been doing all the right things, flooding my life with new and fun activities I enjoy, but I have not been counting my blessings. That is changing, now.

That's the way to do it oppath. Thanks for the reminder.

[Star Gazer]

I don't want to be saved by a woman.

 

Meh, all I'm sayin' is that you shouldn't rule out the possibility. The love of a good woman might be all you need to make life awesome.

[oppath]

but I'm depressed, so I can't attract someone! And I really am not ready to risk being hurt again. It pisses me off. I had the love of a woman, and I was happy, but I do not know why the relationship ended. I was told "all the chemistry, romance and passion are there," "it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings," "if I wanted a relationship with anyone it would be with you."

 

I know all those things mean one thing: you're great, but I'm not in love with you, I won't ever be in love with you.

 

I want to be happy on my own because if I ever face heartbreak again, I don't want to sink so deeply. The love of a good woman would be great for me right now, but I'm f*cked up right now.

 

The good news, is that I know I WILL LOVE and BE LOVED. I just wish I could change my attitude and not feel it is more difficult for me or will take longer for me. I wish I weren't depressed. But I am choosing to be more optimistic.

 

I asked a woman out today. I worked out. I played volleyball, where I flirted with a couple girls and joked with some dudes. I called and caught up with old friends. I downloaded a relaxtion tape. I'm going to beat it.

Will I always feel this way

So

empty,

so

estranged

 

Well I looked my demons in the eye

Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me

See I've been to hell and back

so

many times

I must admit you kinda bore me

 

There's a lot of things that can kill a man

There's a lot of ways to die

Yes and some already dead who walk beside you

There's a lot of things I don't understand

Why

so

many people lie

Well it's the hurt you hide that fuels the fires inside you

 

I have a fire that burns strong...I just wish I didn't feel like ****. But I will get through it. Even if it takes another year, I will beat depression, and when I do, I'll find the love of a good woman, and a good woman could help me get through it, too, but I want to be over my past and only staring down the road to the future when this happens.

[Star Gazer]

but I'm depressed, so I can't attract someone!

 

I'm not so sure about that, dude. You're handsome, and your vulnerability is very endearing. It'll happen.

[oppath]

well, thanks. Today was the start of 2.5 months of awesomeness. I've finally met some other interns and employees my age, and, well, I am going to ask them on dates. Or rather, just hang out, but I've spent the 5 months since my breakup dwelling in my disaster, trying to understand it, justifying my anger, etc, and it didn't do anything for me. My ex was all about what a beautiful person I was -- and I am -- and just because she was a jerk and asked to be **** buddies after she dumped me, it doesn't mean I'm not worth a whole hell of a lot more. In fact, every girl I've met (as friends of course) was shocked, and they all asked "how old was this girl?" I'm not over it.But really, it is the depression I had before the breakup that slowed the healing. I felt worthless to begin with, and she pretty much sealed that deal, and it's taken time to climb out of it.

 

My only problem is I'm still tense and anxious a lot, and that shows with women I meet, but I'm working on that too, taking improv and acting classes, challenging myself, forcing myself to be in anxiety provoking situations where I know I will get through it.

 

I'm a better person for all of this because I better know who I want in a partner, how to express anger (it IS ok to express it, it is even ok to say mean things as long as it is rare and is provoked, I'm finally accepting this), and I know what I won't tolerate from a partner. I also know how to treat myself well, what I want in a career, a place to live, from friends. I've grown immensely.

 

And thanks, you're gorgeous too!

[Star Gazer]

And thanks, you're gorgeous too!

 

You're very welcome.