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[Guest]

So I'm dating this woman- she's 35 and I'm 31. We are only dating- I work two jobs and am in college (went back to get a better degree) so I dont really have much time for a full fledged relationship. I'm exclusive with her but she isn't my girlfriend if that makes any sense. When we first started dating it was more of a fling but has progressed into more. I dont' love her and she knows this but I do enjoy her company.

 

I think we are one step above friends with benefits. She desperately wants me to be in a serious relationship with her. She says I treat her better than any other guy has. I find that hard to believe because I dont have much time for her, I cancel our plans a lot etc) The one thing that I dont' like about her is she is way too controlling. She wants me to spend every spare moment with her. But that is another issue.

 

When we first began dating she asked me to stop using condoms and she would go on birth control. (the pill). she said because it would feel better for her and for me. I refused just because I've always used condoms and didn't want to chance it. She was a little offended by this but oh well. Fast forward to now- about eight months later and about a month ago we had sex and the condom had a slight tear in it. I totally freaked out.

 

I want kids some day but this woman isnt' the one I'm going to marry and I dont ever see her in my future (and she knows this). If she did get pregnant I would do the right thing and take care of my child but still would not marry her. Well since this happened I've been afraid to have sex with her. Her reaction to the mishap was not one of fear but she was actually hopeful she was pregnant (I think).

 

She took a test and she is not pregnant thankfully so I asked her to go on the pill in order for the chances of this happening again to be slim to none. She now tells me that she had sex with her ex boyfriend all the time with NO protection at all so she thinks she cant get pregnant. She tells me there is no reason to worry. But when this happened she was talking about "our baby" and stuff before she found out she wasn't pregnant. So I am really confused and freaked out by this.

 

A child at this point would pretty much destroy my future plans. I want to finish school and move out of the area to get a good job. She knows this. When I asked her to go on the pill (as she offered to do eight months earlier) she flipped out on me and made me feel extremely guilty. She said that the doctor's visit is traumatic and they do all kinds of things to you and that the pill itself makes her very sick adn she won't remember to take it every day anyhow.

 

She is very upset with me for suggesting this. Even though it will make me feel 100% better and more safe to have sex iwth her. She says it is asking too much. Well without that extra precaution I have no interest in having sex with her. even though she keeps trying to seduce me. Why is she so hestitant to have the extra protection? is she trying to trap me?

[Kathleen2260]

Since no one else has answered you- I'll tell you my opinion-I think her behavior is very strange and yes she may be trying to manipulate you into having a relationship with you. if someone truly cares about you they will have your best interests at heart and will make compromises to make you feel secure. Also don't believe this woman if she tells you she can't get pregnant. Unless she has medical proof of this there is no way to be sure. This is not normal behavior but it also sounds like your situation isn't normal (she's not your girlfriend but you are "dating" her)

[magda]

Find another friend with benefits. This one is a bit strange. If the relationship is built on sex and you can't trust her in that regard, you don't have much to keep you around, so go!

[Jinxx]

I'd like to know why you keep this woman around if you know she is someone you will never have a future with. Break it off and find someone else that feels the same as you do. Aside from controlling, she sounds needy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Yes, she is trying to trap you. Honestly, you should consider this a bullet dodged, and break it off with her permanently.

 

But... if you want to continue having sex with her I would advise this:

 

Make damned sure that you keep your condoms with you at all times and under no circumstances leave her alone with them. I have very little doubt she'll sabotage them.

 

When you are finished with a condom, do not leave it where she can get to it. It is not unheard of for a woman to turn it inside out, ram it in and impregnate herself.

 

You may think I'm being extreme with the caution, but if it happens to you it won't be the first guy it happened to, or the last...

[DanielMadr]

I think she wants to have a baby with you. If you are not interested in her then Run Forrest Run. Or the baby will be without father and with a little bit weird mother. Find some girl you want to date for christ sake.

[Trialbyfire]

The two of you have a mutual "user" relationship. Move on.

[District]

yup... sounds like a trap to me

[umbo]

Dude Stop having sex with this woman NOW!!!

She is going to get pregnant by you one day. YOu are in college have a good promising future you are a good outstanding guy you are perfect for her to start a family with. Run for your life this is an emergency. I was told the same thing by me exgirlfriend I can't get pregnant I don't have to worry about protection she had birthcontrol but did not take the pills. Guess what I was in college in the army had a good future she got pregnant she was not marriage material so she took me to child support court and now I have to pay $1300 a month for the next eighteen years. Yeah all because I trusted her what a fool I was don't make the same mistake. OH God run away now. Your girlfriend is really into you and is willing to do and say anything to get you forever. Her biological time clock is ticking she needs a husband and a family fast. I hope it is not you good luck with your studies.

[LoveLace]

Sounds like a trap for sure cuz she is at the age where I'm sure she's more than ready to have children. But if she was smarter, she'd realize that your not the family man she needs right now, and move on. But it appears she does not have that intention, so you should really break it off with her.

 

And a status of "one step above FWB", well that's basically saying it's a relationship. Being in your 30s it's probably difficult to date women who will not expect a more serious committment at some point...especially if they have never been married and want kids, etc...so from now on just clear up what you want/don't want in the very beginning so that you and the woman both know what your really there for. It's ok to want to date and not want kids, etc, but the women you date should be ok with it too.

[Guest]

Just as I feared! You all agree that this is a trap. I actually was very honest with her up front. Told her I didnt' have time for a girlfriend because of work and school. I think that a relationship takes a lot of work and I just dont have the energy or time to devote myself to that. When we first hooked up (we met at work) it was just a thing where we had sex maybe once a month for fun. Then it turned into friends with benefits. She was really wild at first and definately agreed with me about the no-relationship thing. I like her as a friend and used to enjoy her companionship but the last few months have been hell.

 

SHe's been DEMANDING my time, talking about moving away with me when I get a job after college (bad idea!) and pressuring me to become her boyfriend. She sends mixed signals, she will say she doesn't want a relationship then she will be needy and demanding and cry adn scream and want me to date her. I guess I've stuck with her for so long because I don't know many women who would put up with my busy schedule (and no committement) and still want to do the "benefits" thing. I dont date or sleep wtih anyone else as long as I'm with her but I refuse to give her a comittment. I just dont' have time for a full time girlfriend, nor do I want that at this point. So I told her in the begininng and basically every time we fight I get mad and tell her that she is just a f**k buddy and at least once a month or more I remind her that this isnt;' going anywhere. I've encouraged her to move on even.

 

I have comittment issues because my ex cheated on me and I was so much in love with her. My current FWB doesn't understand how I could love my ex so much (when she turned out to be a dishonest person) but not have any feelings for HER. I can't explain it but I just dont' feel anything special for her. My ex and I had a connection, a bond adn this woman and I dont' have that. Yes, we sleep together and we even go out once in awhile and have fun. But it is more work than anythign else and I'm losing interest. I mean I like her as a friend but I know 100% that I would not want a future with her. I've told her that 100 times so I'm not leading her on at all. She just doesn't get it though. She thinks she can force me into having feelings for her. She thinks that she is such a wonderful person how can I not fall in love with her? But to me, she's not that great. I would probably miss the companionship but I know in my heart that I have virtually no attachment to her and I dont' want to get stuck. I know that most people my age are settled and ready for a family- I want one someday but I'm still in school and not at that stage yet. She just confuses me. She says she never wants kids but then she tells me that she and her ex boyfriend never used ANY type of protection and that she never got pregnant. Well if you knew you never wanted children wouldnt' you insist on some type of birth control?