JackBlack Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Girls - put yourself in this situation (and hopefully you have already been) and tell me what you think. Suppose you're in college and you there's a guy that's in your program, so he's in a lot of your classes. You see him often. He's pretty good-looking, and you become interested in him and go so far as to strike up conversation with him every so often. This goes on for about a year, but for whatever reason, whether he is shy, not interested, is dealing with a complicated situation in his life, he is polite but doesn't reciprocate your interest. You basically assume that he's not interested in you. A year later, he finally shows some interest, and strikes up a conversation - nothing serious, just a friendly exchange, you both show some interest, and you suggest that you two should hang out sometime. You're pleasantly surprised. Shortly after, you run into each other at a party, and you're delighted. However, alcohol is involved, and the guy acts a little belligerent around you. You're not sure how to take this - you don't know him too well yet so you're not sure if he's just drunk, or what. You basically stop talking to him, maybe because you're not sure if he was just playing you to begin with, maybe because you're not sure what kind of person he really is, maybe because you're a little embarrassed for going out on a limb for this guy to begin with. Maybe a combination of all of the above. In any case, you two stop talking... you try to avoid him, he tries to avoid you. When you run into each other, it's a little awkward, but you're also polite and exchange pleasantries. Fast-forward one year later. You've relocated to another city, and the guy messages you of the blue. You chat for a few minutes, and he offers an apology for the way he acted a year ago. For the first time, it seems like there are no harsh feelings; it turns out that there were no harsh feelings to begin with, but that there was simply some kind of miscommunication. The conversation is short and to the point. Now, this really seems like a worse possible case of bad timing, blown opportunities, and poor communication. You never really got to know the guy very well. (And contrary to what happened, he's every bit the guy you thought he was - genuine, good-looking, smart, albeit a little tentative - but you don't know this because you never got to know him.) What are the chances that you'll give it another go, taking into consideration the horrible timing, the fact that you're now in a different city, and the fact that you were really interested in this guy from the start but never really got a chance to get to know him? At this point, what's the best thing the guy can do for himself? Link to post Share on other sites
My Fair Katie Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 What are the chances that you'll give it another go, taking into consideration the horrible timing, the fact that you're now in a different city, and the fact that you were really interested in this guy from the start but never really got a chance to get to know him? At this point, what's the best thing the guy can do for himself? Slim to none. There are a lot of really great guys out there, and ones that aren't mean drunks. If I'm in a different city that you aren't even in that dulls the chances even more. The best thing he could do was to have a happy life of his own without trying to date me, then, maybe I'd be interested in him as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Well, suppose the guy isn't a mean drunk. In fact, he doesn't really drink much at all, but happened to have a little (literally) too much to drink one night and got a little nervous around her. Link to post Share on other sites
My Fair Katie Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Well, suppose the guy isn't a mean drunk. In fact, he doesn't really drink much at all, but happened to have a little (literally) too much to drink one night and got a little nervous around her. I understand, but there's no way for her to know that. It's why first impressions are so important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 A year of small talk here and there before the fact wasn't a reliable enough of a first impression to make the little screw-up not a big deal? Add to that the fact that they guy gave the girls some space after that because he isn't the aggressive type? Maybe all this is getting the guy nowhere? I suppose he should just try and reconnect with the girl for now and try to be friends, since he has nothing to lose at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
My Fair Katie Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 A year of small talk here and there before the fact wasn't a reliable enough of a first impression to make the little screw-up not a big deal? Add to that the fact that they guy gave the girls some space after that because he isn't the aggressive type? Nope, small talk is different than meeting in a social setting. Sorry, I realize it's unfortunate. Maybe all this is getting the guy nowhere? I suppose he should just try and reconnect with the girl for now and try to be friends, since he has nothing to lose at this point. Sounds good. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Like many threads on LS, you're going to get a wide range of responses from women. Some would be freaked out, some would be cool. But none of that really matters because you have a particular girl in question. So instead of spending hours contemplating what if's, go ask her out. Then at least you'll have a definitive answer. The worst she can say is "Leave me alone you f**king drunk!!!!" Link to post Share on other sites
revolutionphilosophy Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Like many threads on LS, you're going to get a wide range of responses from women. Some would be freaked out, some would be cool. But none of that really matters because you have a particular girl in question. So instead of spending hours contemplating what if's, go ask her out. Then at least you'll have a definitive answer. The worst she can say is "Leave me alone you f**king drunk!!!!" co-signed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 I don't think asking her out is an option at this point, because she now lives in another city. I think the best I can hope for at this point is to reconnect by email/text messaging/online chat. More importantly, I sort of just wanted to get an idea as to how these types of bad timing / missed opportunity situations tend to work out when there was an initial interest. I just wanted to get an idea of what my chances are at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I don't believe in fate, but I do believe that timing can be very important. When two people get together and it works out its usually because the timing was right for them.. The timing wasn't right- its not a missed opportunity as such.. its just something that didn't happen. I wouldn't pursue it... cos you might miss more opportunities closer to home if you pursue a potentially fruitless LDR. She may have moved on.. who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 zerr zerr interesting. Well I find it interesting because the most exciting things in my love life seem to have happened on-line for the last little while. Aaah, the days of the pink elephant craze. I second what Tarnbark said and would also like to add that since she accepted the apology and agreed it was a miscommunication, basically, you have to forget it happened yourself. I'd say, forget about that unfortunate night and romance the girl like there is no ifs and buts. What have you got to loose? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 I agree. My hope is that the initial attraction was strong enough that it can overcome the mishaps and lack of communication during the past year. The only thing is, how does one go about romancing another online? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 gosh good question. hmmm. One guy I was dating pulled it off. OOH! He found a reason to send me a snail mail package- he said wanted to send me a book he thought I'd like and sent it along with a letter. Could you afford going to visit her city? Make sure you can afford your own accomodations, as you would not want to impose yourself on her, but then you could definitely take advantage of being there to suggest she takes you around town or go own to a restaurant together. The book guy actually did this and it worked like a charm. Other then that, when it comes to more electronical tricks hmmm, I don't know, joke around? Use the picture function? I really don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Hmmm... that sounds a little risky right now. I'll probably stick to trying to establish good rapport online before I try anything else. This will go nowhere unless we can have friendly conversations. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 good plan JB. I was just thinking to myself that it would be risky and I was feeling guilty about sending you out to some foreign city. It works if it is a city that is not too far and if you also happen to know other people who live there or if, such as Mr Bookman, you happen to have a conference in that city. I glanced through your other threads rapidly and here is a word of advice though: have fun with this. Courting someone and being courted is fun. If it works, wonderful. If it doesn't, better luck with the next girl. And don't forget, part of the fun is taking risks. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 ah! another thought. I'd say keep using messengers to chat once in awhile but, also, send her an e-mail. Messengers give the impression that you 'ran' into the person. An e-mail shows that you thought about her. That being said, I'd also recommend you stay off-line a little bit or take turns chatting each other up. For example, make sure you let her start the conversation once in awhile. You're a guy so I'd say the ratio should be something like 1:2 - she should start it once for every two times you do. That way you can gauge her interest level and not over-crowd her. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I don't think asking her out is an option at this point, because she now lives in another city. I think the best I can hope for at this point is to reconnect by email/text messaging/online chat. More importantly, I sort of just wanted to get an idea as to how these types of bad timing / missed opportunity situations tend to work out when there was an initial interest. I just wanted to get an idea of what my chances are at this point. Um, do you see the blatant contradiction here? Chances are slim to none, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Um, do you see the blatant contradiction here? Chances are slim to none, IMO. Love your quote Stargazer... Also wondering, do you think his chances are slim to none because of his attitude towards like the situation? That's what I understood but I'm not sure. If so, I totally agree. Attitude counts for a lot when it comes to seduction. It counts even more then timing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 I'm not seeing the contradiction. Am I going about this with the wrong attitude? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Hi Jack! I had to come on-line and tell you... I think i just landed myself an internet date tonight... I am going to watch a tv show with a friend of mine who lives in a city 16hours away (Canada is a big country) while we chat on-line! I mean, obviously it's not a date as there is no way i'll get a goodnight kiss but that's almost better since it really takes the pressure off. Anyways, about the attitude. I can't guess what Stargazer meant, but here is what i was thinking: make sure you go about it as something light, uplifting and fun. You are interested in this girl yet you don't know for sure that you two are a match. I find that a lot of guys 'commit' really quick to girls they're interested in and this is where they have a tendency to ignore the red flags, try to be everything for her and become the human equivalent of a doormat. Hmmm, this applies to both genders... Anyways, all you want to do is get to know her because you think there's potential there. Have fun with this because it is fun. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I'm not seeing the contradiction. I can't guess what Stargazer meant I think what SG meant is that it's contradictory for JB to ask about missed opportunities and what his chances are when, at the same time, he says that asking her out isn't an option. You're always going to have "missed opportunities" if you're not willing to man up and do something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackBlack Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 Kamille, thanks for the insight and hope your "date" goes well for you! I have a bad habit of taking things too seriously at the beginning, and then the self-doubt creeps in. It's good to reminded that I have to keep things fun an lighthearted! Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 JB: You're obviously still hung up on this guy, but it took him more than a year to even text you to apologize for his drunken behavior. Let it go, he was just being nice, and BTW, you contradicted yourself when you listed his so- called characteristics and then said that you never really got to know him. That don't make no sense, girlie. I wish you the best of luck next time around. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 JB: You're obviously still hung up on this guy, but it took him more than a year to even text you to apologize for his drunken behavior. Let it go, he was just being nice, and BTW, you contradicted yourself when you listed his so- called characteristics and then said that you never really got to know him. That don't make no sense, girlie. I wish you the best of luck next time around. JB's a guy and is talking about himself in the third person. Link to post Share on other sites
parTgirl Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 A year of small talk here and there before the fact wasn't a reliable enough of a first impression to make the little screw-up not a big deal? Add to that the fact that they guy gave the girls some space after that because he isn't the aggressive type? Maybe all this is getting the guy nowhere? I suppose he should just try and reconnect with the girl for now and try to be friends, since he has nothing to lose at this point. JB go ahead and try to reconnect. You have nothing to lose. If the firl shoots you down then hey she doesn't live in the area anyway, right? Valentine's Day is coming up---- use that to your advantage. Link to post Share on other sites
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