trust issues and problems

[Gothicmisery86kt]

I have been with my b/f for over a year and we are suppose to get married in oct.

 

When we first got together he had a bad obession with porn and would ignore me and then watch porn.Finally had enough of him getting off to porn when I was more then willing to do something..So he gave it up and stop downloading it.After that I found him trying to meet up with other girls online and even looking at half or naked pics of them on their profiles or ones they sent.He says its okay to look at other pics, well I dont and escipally wouldnt look at pics of people i want to meet like that.

 

Then he said he wouldnt mind trying the swinging lifestlye,I cant share my partner with other woman and it breaks my heart thinking he wants to be with other woman and he thinks its okay and also wants to either have a 3some or see me with a woman..If I did do something with a woman Id only feel comfortable having him watch..

 

After i found him looking at other girls and wanting to meet them my trust was broken and I would checking on who he talks to and he is finding that annoying which he told a friend that.How Do I get to trusting him again and stop spying on him? And shouldnt he respect my feelings about not liking to share my partners and not put me down and say i am a "buzz killer" or "no fun" when i say I dont think i would do a swinger lifestyle.i dont see how u can be commited or devoted and claim to love someone and want to sleep around and thinks its ok

 

I am so lost and confused right now

[Mezzi]

Whoa, you boyfriend was/is addicted to porn, looks at suggestive pics of women online that he seemingly wants to meet, proproses threesomes and says that he wants to embrace the swinger lifestye.

 

Hmm let's see he cannot and should not be trusted and since your find all of his suggestions/activities online appalling its clear to me that you and he have no business together.

 

People like him are bad news and cause heartache if you dont give into his desires he will just find someone else who will and break up with you.

 

He probably is already thinking this way and out on the prowl hence why he referred to you as a "buzz killer"

 

Find a nice, respectable guy and leave this troubled loser alone.

[TheDC]

Well this really isn't a trust issue. It's a lifestyle issue. He simply wants to live a different lifestyle than you, and that's fine for him but doesn't work for you.

 

Is it reasonable that he change his lifestyle to suit your needs, would you change your lifestyle to suit his needs?

 

I think that the two of you want different things out of life. You need to have a long talk with him. You need to ask yourself "is this the man I want to be with for the rest of my life?"

[confucious]

Sorry previous poster but I do NOT think this is a lifestyle issue.

 

Committing to a monogamous relationship with a woman/man is not a lifestyle issue, it is a decision. Keeping a messy room, or eating only organic foods is a lifestyle issue

 

This online flirtation and exchange, or at least viewing, of naked women he is also TALKING to is pretty vile. This is not porn, this is close to online sex!! No question he should NOT be doing it! Period!

 

Okay - the threesome suggestion occurs in alot of relationships, but it should always be brought up tactfully and proposed in such a way as not to pressure the partner and so as not to make it seem as though you just want some other p@ssy. When they are uncomfortable, the question is dropped. Period.

 

Perhaps the most disturbing thing though, OP, is the fact that when you show you're upset at his actions (which are extreme enough to upset most people) he calls you a "buzz buster" and "no fun". This to me is the thing to run from - he doesn't CARE that you are hurt and attempts to turn things around by making you out to be "no fun", a wet blanket...as if you are being a downer on life, HIS life, and he expects more from you. BIG red flag waving in the wind here darling. Respect of your person, your emotions, and your needs is of utmost importance in a relationship. We may not always agree but we HAVE TO repect, and when called for make concessions. You are getting no respect and indeed are being RIDICULED for your EXTREMELY LEGITIMATE concerns. If my girlfriend exchanged or recieved nude photos of men she was chatting to online I would be out the door - engaged or not - in a flash.

 

You are NOT having jealousy problems, you do NOT need to fix yourself.

 

YOU DO NOT NEED TO FIX YOURSELF!!!!

 

HE is the problem, and don't forget that. Perhaps, as horrible and painful as it may seem, it is time to leave and look for a partner who does respect you and who has the same moral standards as you.

 

I wish you the best - good luck!!

[Capatinacen]

 

Find a nice, respectable guy and leave this troubled loser alone.

 

I agree.

 

I see all sorts of problems going on and he doesn't care.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who looks a porn all the time, who wants to swing, have 3 somes, who meet online girl, etc...? Do you really think this will change once you get married? Who knows what else he's been doing behind your back and he is not IMO trust worthly at all.

[TheDC]

Sorry previous poster but I do NOT think this is a lifestyle issue.

 

Committing to a monogamous relationship with a woman/man is not a lifestyle issue, it is a decision. Keeping a messy room, or eating only organic foods is a lifestyle issue

 

I don't see how this isn't a lifestyle issue.

 

Who ever said that he wanted to commit to a monogamous relationship. According to the OP

When we first got together he had a bad obession with porn

so this was obviously a habit that predated her and wasn't something that was introduced later in the relationship, she knew it was there and yet decided to persue the relationship regardless. She goes on to say that

he said he wouldnt [sic] mind trying the swinging lifestlye

. Well that sounds awfully like a lifestyle difference to me.

 

Sure I wouldn't accept it if my GF wanted to watch porn all the time (well...) but I certainly wouldn't be into swinging. But if she were adamant about it then I don't think I could stay with her. The life that she wants to lead would be far from what I want. But I don't think I'd try to make her change as I wouldn't change for her it's simply not a lifestyle I'd choose.

 

It constantly amazes me the number of people who complain about an aspect of their partner that they knew was there but now annoys them. Like "my B/GF is a total pot head and we are going to get married and he won't quit." Well DUH he's a pot head, what made you think he'd change once you were married, I mean you knew what he was going into the relationship how can this suddenly come as a surprise?

[LN99]

It sounds like you two both want different things. He is not willing to change for you and you certainly are not gonna change your mind about him and his porn fixation. That right there is a BIG sign that this is NOT the guy you should be marrying.

[Flyin in Clouds]

.. .Finally had enough of him getting off to porn when I was more then willing to do something..

 

Do something....? no, no, wait a minute.

 

Were you willing to do everything that was on the porn video? Probably not. So how is doing "something" equivalent to the deviant sex he was watching?

 

Then he said he wouldnt mind trying the swinging lifestlye,I cant share my partner with other woman and it breaks my heart thinking he wants to be with other woman and he thinks its okay and also wants to either have a 3some or see me with a woman..If I did do something with a woman Id only feel comfortable having him watch..

this monogamy thing is way over rated. sort of...

 

Have you considered maybe he wants to see another guy doing you and not you involved with other women? A MFM 3some? (lookup hotwife on wiki). Strange as that may sound a lot of guys have that fantasy and some couples do it in real life.

 

But from what I've read of those in the "alternate" lifestyles, the couple has to have a rock solid relationship, be totally honest with each other and they can't cheat in order for their relationship to remain intact. Yes, they can have sex with others, but only if they abide by the "rules" they mutally agree to. If the couple agrees they will only engage in 3somes with their parnter present and their partners consent, then going on a sole date would be cheating and grounds for divorce. And often these relationship eventually fail. It takes a lot to avoid the old green eyed monster. But some couples do seem to enjoy their lifestyle and do OK. But if you aren't totally comfortable with the idea then don't try it because its not for everybody.

 

How Do I get to trusting him again and stop spying on him?

The problem is he is doing things you have not agreed to. You don't have those rules set up. And that simply won't work. If you both agree to swing, and you are both absolutley sure, talked it all out, all the "rules", and he abides by those rules 100% then it might be something you both enjoy. But most people really can't handle it. Sex is just to wrapped up in their emotions.

 

And shouldnt he respect my feelings about not liking to share my partners and not put me down and say i am a "buzz killer" or "no fun" when i say I dont think i would do a swinger lifestyle.

Absolutely you must respect each others feelings. BUT maybe (and that's a big maybe and only you can decide about it), maybe you should not reject it out of hand.

 

You have to talk through all the issues. Will he loose respect for you? Will you loose respect for him? Will that matter to him? What if things turn out badly? There is no taking this step back. Once you've done it, you can't undo it. You can stop doing it but you can't take it back. So it's not a trivial causual decision.

 

i dont see how u can be commited or devoted and claim to love someone and want to sleep around and thinks its ok

Well go visit the forums that talk about hotwifing and cuckolding. Don't be too shocked. It may not be for you, but don't condemn those that enjoy it. It's their choice.

 

Those that are in the hotwife thing, get a kick out of having the wife "seduce" another man and enjoy the wife having as much sex and as many orgasms as she can have in a night. And for most of them it's just an occasional sexual play date. Most of the time they are your normal everyday next door neighbor. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas....

 

I am so lost and confused right now

Yeah... take it slow. You have to talk seriously about the whole thing. And he has to be open with. Have you asked him how he'd really feel watching you do it with another guy? Maybe someone bigger, stronger, "hunkier?" than him?

 

The only way to get unconfused is to talk to your guy and find out why he wants the kinky stuff. And if you can't get into what he wants then it's probably best you part company.

[Guest]

disney mom - i was poking around in the forums and found your thread and wanted to just add my thoughts. my ex is also an alcoholic and although he will tell you diffrent, and blame everything and everyone else for his "financial troubles and lack of attention" to his own kids never mind mine - as you recognize the cause of it so did i and everyone else in his life does as well.

i did love him and to some degree still do, and like you i chose to offer my children a life free of addictions and pain and no i don't make excuses for him or his behavior. he is sick - plain and simple. is his alcoholism a crutch for his inabilites? to some degree it is simply because as with all forms of abuse - it is a cycle ( and no i don't mean that to sound as though i am blaming him because i don't - i just made the effort to understand the dis-ease in his life and went to al-anon a couple of times to understand it) for my ex - as i am understanding it is the same with yours - it's all he knows. he grew up seeing that that's how his parents handled stress and issues. he grew up in a community where to be sober - was far more abnormal than to be addicted to something. it becomes habitual and again the cycle comes into play. meaning he has a stressful day at work, things didn't go as planned - he has A BEER after work (he tried to quit every 4 months or so as he knows he is an alcoholic and doesn't like himself for it) he hates himself for "slipping" and so feels guilty. goes to work the next day adn has an even worse day - goes to the bar and has a FEW beers. before you know it he is beating himself up for being weak and incapable of controling his addiction. it is easier to forget and ignore something when you are intoxicated (plus he seems to think he is more fun / a better driver / a more virile lover - chea right / and every woman wants him when he is drunk). he gets to a point where he is once again out of control (unfortunately though my ex was quite violent and landed in jail a few times due to his drinking and bar fights etc.) and so he "sobers" up again. stays sober and tried to be a good father and husband for awhile and boom christmas for example comes along we start all over again. for him (my ex) he thought he could do it alone - he didn't need no "dumb" group to help him and so he remains in his cycle. there are alot of factors involved with alcoholism and no one truely knows waht makes one person an alcoholic and someone else not. i stopped making excuses for him, and most importantly allowing him to make my children hurt from his inability to care. i am not saying that all alcoholics are beyond hope because that would be an out and out lie - there is hope - if he wants it.

is he accountable to your children? well in my opinion - why shouldn't he be? to a degree. i had to ask myself which was the lesser of two evils - allowing my children to be exposed to him drunk (this was not a pretty sight and at the end usually involved police) or setting a boundary for myself that he was not allowed to visit my children when drunk. he eventually called less and less, became less a part of their lives and yes it hurt them - heck my daughter still blames me some days for his being gone and yup she's right i am at fault for it - but i explained clearly to her the reasons why in a way that she understood he has no control over this adn until he gets help he can not be in her life. granted my kids are older (12 and 14) and so this wasn't so hard to explain. i don't put him down for his drinking as to some degree i know he is helpless against it at teh moment i still talk to his sons (my stepkids) and i love them to death and now - a few years later it is THEM that hold him accountable - not me or his ex -wife. It is something he will have to live with. hope

 

 

STAY AWAY FROM WOMEN WHO WOULD RATHER SEND U TO JAIL THEN WORK TOGETHER - IT TOOK ME ONE YEAR TO REALIZE THAT WILL NEVER GIVE U THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THEM CHANGES AND WOULD RATHER PLAY INNOCENT AND SCREW U AROUND - I JUST DUMPED THE MEANEST COLD HEARTED WOMAN I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED - THERE IS NOTHING I DID THAT WOULD EVER JUSTIFY HER ACTIONS - BUT, I AM SO OVER THAT - SHE'LL NEVER BE IN MY LIFE EVER AGAIN. GOOD LUCK BOYS IF U STUMBLE INTO THIS ONE - SHE'S CREUL MAN.

[Gothicmisery86kt]

Do something....? no, no, wait a minute.

 

Were you willing to do everything that was on the porn video? Probably not. So how is doing "something" equivalent to the deviant sex he was watching?

 

 

actually yes lol.only thing i wont do is do anything to a guy other then that i am game sorry just to had to mention that..