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love and ethics


crazzzzzyyy

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[FONT=Arial]Hello all,[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I have a situation here :) I fell in love in a girl during highschool but we were never together as she has this boyfriend for something like 7 years now ... so I never had the guts the tell her how I feel ... I guess I was waiting for that moment when they break up or something.. as you can guess they never broke up and I think I still have some pretty strong feelings for her. I was always a "good friend on the side" and she has always liked me, we keep in touch, exchange holidays cards and stuff... you know the drill... I am really sick of this whole being nice to each other and I think I am ready to tell her what I feel after all those years!! But hey folks, do not get me wrong. I wasn't just waiting all those years to tell her something now... I was in two relationships since highschool, of which one was long, I was even engaged in the last one but it fell apart. I was devasted for a while ... very recently I realized one thing. For all those years I tried to forget that girl from highschool but looking around for possibilities to fall in love again in somebody else. I worked for a while, I was in love, but then there was always something wrong in my relationships later along the way. Maybe it's time to try to talk to that girl, should I tell her the truth how I feel. Do you think it's ethical for me to do that? She has been with her boyfriend for so many years? Is it the right thing to do? Very deeply I believe she is waiting for someone like me to make a first step like I want to make and maybe she is just afraid to lose what she has right now? I'm just afraid to lose a friend is she reacts bad to this. Should I speak to her or write? (we live quite far from each other right now) Pls, tell me what you guys think about all of this? What should I do? Pls express your opinions, thank you.[/FONT]

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She has a bf, a very serious long term bf. She isn't "waiting" for someone else. She's chosen, and continues to choose, the man she is with. She isn't waiting.

 

7 years is a long time. People change from who they were in high school, and you can't even attempt to convince me that you know the current "her" just because you two exchange some greeting cards once/twice a year.

 

I think you have idealized this women. She has no faults to you. She has become your epitomy of what a woman should be because you don't get to see the bitter, nasty parts of her in real life. You aren't in love with her. You're in love with what you've created in your own head.

 

You can tell her if you want... It'll screw with her head. Probably cause her some trauma, and potentially destroy her relationship if it's going through any rough patches.

 

I'm sure you're still the exact same person, same beliefs, same out look on life, as you were at 17-18, right? You haven't changed at all.. haven't grown, haven't experienced things that have shaped your personality and way of thinking...

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thanks for your opinion Walk.

 

"It'll screw with her head. Probably cause her some trauma, and potentially destroy her relationship "

... that was a funny comment, but maybe you're right and let's say it is all about me. How can I deal with this situation? From what you wrote I can see that you wouldn't personally suggest to contact her and tell her anything about how I feel.

 

Our communication is frequent .. emails,online chat 2 times a week on average ... so it's not just holiday cards you know ... and it seems she likes to keep in touch we me but always playing "nice".

 

I'm not the same person I was when I was 17-18, I finished university, change my views on world/life, went through long term engagement, immigrated to another country(change of culture and language)... lots of changes in my life I would say. So many things have changed in my life but not "her". I am not saying I want to destroy her current relationship, that would be wrong... should might do the same to me later on right?

What I'm trying to explain is that I have this internal need to express my feelings so she knows ... so she knows I am out there waiting in case something happends in her relationship... not sure if this sounded right.

 

Don't women like this kind of stuff anyway? That somebody adores them/likes them? Wouldn't you like to receive such news if you were a girl (maybe you are Walk?). Would such a letter from a friend really hurt your feelings? I think I would be happy to receive something like this from other girls regardless if I have a gf or not, it wouldn't have any effect on my current relationship.. why would it?

 

Walk and others, please continue this conversation

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Thought I'd reply so I could "bump" the thread up. Maybe some one else who's been in this situation can response.

 

Our communication is frequent .. emails,online chat 2 times a week on average ... so it's not just holiday cards you know ... and it seems she likes to keep in touch we me but always playing "nice".

 

I must've really read your post wrong the first time. I thought you meant you two contacted each other on holidays and that was basically it. Doh. :o

 

Okay, so you two do still talk, and communicate fairly regularly. You do have a fairly good notion of who she is as a person now.

 

Don't women like this kind of stuff anyway? That somebody adores them/likes them? Wouldn't you like to receive such news if you were a girl (maybe you are Walk?). Would such a letter from a friend really hurt your feelings? I think I would be happy to receive something like this from other girls regardless if I have a gf or not, it wouldn't have any effect on my current relationship.. why would it?

 

I am female, good guess. The notion of the admiring male who's in love with me and waiting until I realize my love for him is endearing.. but human nature says I take advantage of your weakness and use you as buffer guy if things go bad with the current guy. That way I'd always have someone to prop my ego up if I'm feeling low, and I can string you along with little bits of hope now and again.. keeping you from ever finding your own true love while 98% of the time I really never think of you as any thing other than a really good platonic friend.

 

I'd like to say that most women are above this... but I can't say we're 100% saints 100% of the time. And everyone, at some point or another, feels weak and looks for someone to lean on. You run the risk of being the one who's leaned on, yet never have the favor returned... You'd have to be aware enough to recognize it, and stop it from being a one sided deal. I doubt she'd conciously do that to you, but she could react without evaluating her motives, and end up causing you to believe more exists then there is.

 

I'm just saying that you'd have to vigilant that you don't interpret "I'm upset with my bf today" as "I want you, please rescue me from this guy".

 

p.s. I'm a pessimist.. so maybe you should wait til the optimist shift comes in. I think they punch in around midnight. :D

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You don't mention any reason for that impression you get that she is waiting for someone to come along. I believe this is wishful thinking on your part. So I believe, like Walk, that this woman is not waiting for someone to come rescue her from her relationship. She and her partner choose everyday to be together. They have been together for a long time - a time in which they have no doubt built a strong friendship and an intense bond together.

 

 

But you two also have managed to remain friends for a long time and that is something to value. Are you at all concerned that if you reveal your feelings for her it might mess up the friendship?

 

If not - if a skewed friendship doesn't bother you or if you think the friendship would not be altered by your declarations, then, why not? That way you will stop wondering about it. And can hopefully move on with your life.

 

Was that optimistic?

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I think you shouldn't play with her emotions and leave her alone with her boyfriend. You need to move on and find someone else. 7 years is a lot and I know that you think that if you tell her how you feel she will just leave her bf and start dating you. If you do tell her be prepared for that to back fire.

 

Accept you are friends and that's all. Find someone else who wants to be with you.

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Thanks for your opinions guys... I'm all confused now, I was so certain that I should write/speak to her about this before I posted on the forum here ... I totally dont know what to do now. I am not angry on what I have heard from you ... I have the feeling you may be right about all of this. I still really wanna do this but with kind of less excitement ... I dont want to hurt anyone but this whole situation is really hurting me as I cannot forget about it just like that! I have to sleep on it for a bit and then I will decide. ... silently hoping for more points of view from others though :)

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I am a guy who was in nearly the same situation.

 

Of course, the IDEAL thing to do is to never tell her and just be friends. Problem is, we are humans, not saints. I have tried doing this myself, and I really couldn't do it. At times, I was unable to sleep at night. I had to tell her. She gave me the standard response of "I am flattered, but I have a boyfriend".

 

I became sad for a week or so, but then I moved on. I grew up. Now, we don't communicate anymore, but I feel much better. Doing this made me move on. It made me grow up. (This was all 1 year ago now)

 

I don't know what advice to take from all this. :) It was just nice to find some other guy who is going through the same experience.

 

I am not saying you should exactly do the same, since everyone is different. I am just giving you the story of another guy who went through the same thing :)

 

PS: there is a 99% chance she will give you the response out of the manual "I am flattered, but no". If you decide to tell her, you have to be prepared for it. It shouldn't destroy you. You should even think about what's next before you even tell her.

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so just she knows

Well don't you think that by telling her it's going to confuse her or make it very strange between the two? Why mess up what you two have now?

 

I have a guy friend that I've known all my life and if he told me that, I wouldn't know what to think.

 

But it is your decision wether to tell her or not. Maybe it won't bother her but you probably know her better then I do.

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I want to tell her so just she knows as I cannot stand keeping this to myself anymore....

someone2 made an interesting point, what happens if she says no, ... I havent even started thinking about what happens next man. Thanks for pointing this out. This whole situation is really eating me out from the inside. I cannot stand it. I dont want to lose her friendship as I really value her as a friend, ... **** I'm cooked. It's not just some random chick I met on the party u know? :( :( :(

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Okey, let's put it his way, can you guys identify any possible benefits if I tell her?

 

I guess if you are losing sleep right now... if you just can't go on with your life... if this is REALLY destroying your life, then by telling her, you will most probably be able to move on.

 

However, you will be REALLY sad for a while first. At least that's what happened to me. It was a very difficult medicine, but in my case, it had to be taken.

 

But, if you can live on with no problems, then you probably shouldn't tell her.

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Okey, let's put it his way, can you guys identify any possible benefits if I tell her?

 

Hmmm. you hadn't thought about what would happen after.

 

benefits, like someone2 said, you move on.

 

have you been maintaining this friendship all these years because you had feelings for her or is there something deeper to it?

 

I used to have the biggest crush on one of my best friends who had a girlfriend. I never told him but I knew he knew. (I told everyone else and they're not the kind to not pass on relevant information). He somehow pulled through for me and now I no longer have those feelings for him and we are now better friends then ever.

 

Is there a way you could approach it so that you could tell her how you feel but also salvage the friendship? I'm asking you and all of LS.

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I think you shouldn't play with her emotions and leave her alone with her boyfriend. You need to move on and find someone else. 7 years is a lot and I know that you think that if you tell her how you feel she will just leave her bf and start dating you. If you do tell her be prepared for that to back fire.

 

Backfire is right. Most likely in the scenario of the bf coming to Canada to pound your face in for trying to "poach" his gf. Bad idea telling her, your chance has long since past. Let them be and find someone else.

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Pls, tell me what you guys think about all of this? What should I do? Pls express your opinions, thank you.[/FONT]

 

An excerpt for you my friend....



UNIVERSAL CODE OF CONDUCT

UNITED BROTHERHOOD OF MEN

 

RULE #1: Leave another man's woman alone.

RULE #2: Unavailable means unavailable...when the ship has sailed do not try to board.

 

{end excerpt}

 

That is all.

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hi all,

I'd like to thank you all for your feedbacks. You've been very helpful, although you weren't supportive in a sense tried to change my mind about this whole situation. I have to say that you were successful.. I cannot sleep now (you're right :p ) ... but I think I am still able to move on without telling her anything, I will try to ferget the fact I've had this huge crash on her, and wont bother her. I realized I was very selfish for a while by planning on telling her ... she has much more to lose than I have. I decided not to make any steps unless they break-up without my interference ... which will probably never happen or simply put I'm just not going to wait for it to happen. I will try my best to forget and move on ... find somebody else. Paintful for now, but probably the most "ethical" thing to do --> as that was my main concern. Good luck to you all!! :cool:

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