imconfused Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 Hi; Recently my long-time guy friend told me that maybe we should try being friends with benefits...what exactly does this mean? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 He wants to have sex with you (that's the benefit), but without being in a relationship with you. Whether he wants it occasionally or regularly - ask him. whatever you do, make sure to use protection! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 Wow, some friend you have there. "Friends with benefits" is another phrase for "I dig ya enough to screw ya from time to time, but I don't dig ya enough to want any kind of monogamous, committed, meaningful relationship." Now that you know what it means, I hope you'll really think long and hard about whether you're interested in this kind of arrangement. Keep in mind that the "friends with benefits" clause does not at all imply MONOGAMY..so if he's got this arrangement with you, you're likely one of many...which means, whoever he sleeps with (including their possible diseases), you're in essence sleeping with them too. "Friends with benefits" is a handy little arrangement for people who want the perks (sex) but don't want to be there for anything else. So many people have tried this arrangement, naively thinking that if they agreed to it, the other person would eventually come around and want a relationship.....but I think that very rarely is the case. It's usually the woman who ends up developing a real emotional bond after the sex happens....and though she may start out thinking she just wants a sex pal, she ends up having deeper feelings.........but the guy doesn't feel the same way...........and then lots of times the friendship dissolves totally, and the woman ends up feeling used and hurt and alone. I'd seriously question the integrity and principles of any guy who had the nuts, after a lengthy friendship, to suggest the friends-with-benefits arrangement. I'd tell him to go to he11. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 Normally, friendship with benefits situations evolve between two people who are in certain circumstances. Rarely does either party come out and negotiate for such a relationship. It usually just happens and it's an unspoken situation that can work for a time if both understand that it's just what it is. If one of them thinks it's more, that's a problem. I think you're lucky that this guy was forthright and honest. If the two of you are not good enough friends that you didn't feel asking him what he meant, then I don't think you should get involved with him. Perfect the friendship first. Friendship with benefits arrangements can work between two mature people who understand what they're all about. They work best between two very good friends who are mature and who can handle such an arrangement emotionally. I don't see it as either party using the other unilaterally...it's more that both are using each other mutually for the purpose of satisfying their sex drive in the absense of a bonafide romantic relationship elsewhere. I really like honest situations...much more than I like it when people pretend to care about others and screw their brains out for a period of time and then tell them to get lost. At least if you get hurt in a friendship with benefits deal, you knew...or sort of knew...going in exactly what the deal was. There is always the risk that someone's feelings are going to develop way past the friendship phase over a period of time. When that happens, then there's either going to be some hurt or the relationship may be renegotiated and/or upgraded to a full blown romance. I agree with Just A Girl2 that these aren't ideal situations but they do happen and they can be OK for certain people. But I don't think there are all that many people who can handle them properly over a period of time without pain and complications. I also think they may, for some people, take away some of the motivation for getting out there and opening up to a healthy and mutually fulfilling romantic relationship. Again, the fact that you had to ask a bunch of strangers in an Internet forum what your good friend meant by his proposal says a lot about your friendship with him. Sounds like it pretty much stinks to me. Tell him to keep his picker in his pocket when he's around you! Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted March 10, 2003 Share Posted March 10, 2003 Well, at least the guy was up front with her. I know a guy who just has several "relationships" and puts all the girls in a LOT of pain. I respect him for being that open...it takes guts and it shows he has respect for her feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
beachbabi Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 Originally posted by Ally Boo Well, at least the guy was up front with her. I know a guy who just has several "relationships" and puts all the girls in a LOT of pain. I respect him for being that open...it takes guts and it shows he has respect for her feelings. Is it really respect for her feelings when he expresses what he is after? I believe that if he respected her as a friend he would have either just stayed as a friend to her or considered dating her properly, not attempt a friends with benefits option. It sounds like he is interested in her for a short term bit of fun, but doesn't consider her as someone to see seriously for a long time. If someone else come around, he'd want a piece of that too. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 If he DIDN'T respect her as a person, he would lead her to BELIEVE that he was interested in a relationship with her...just so he is guaranteed the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
beachbabi Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 true. I didn't see it that way. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Miss 420 Posted August 24, 2003 Share Posted August 24, 2003 Just because the guy was up front with her and suggested being friends with benefits doesn't mean he doesn't respect her. Me and a good friend have a friends with benefits arrangement, and there's nothing wrong with that. As long as the two people involved have a good, strong friendship and feel comfortable talking to each other, it can work. As long as both people are only interested in sex, and not an actual relationship, people's feelings don't get gurt. If one person wants to be more than just friends, and the other one doesn't feel the same way, then there will be problems. As long as both people just want sex, it can work. If one person wants to be friends with benefits, and the other agrees just because they think it will make the other person see them differently and want to be in a relationship, then it probably won't work. Just make sure that you feel comfortable talking about it with them if things get weird, and make sure that's it's only about sex for both of you. It's also better if you really care about the person, even if you don't actually want to date them. In my experience, even liking the person as more than a friend doesn't make it end badly. I like my friend with benefits as a lot more than a friend, but I don't really want to be in a relationship because I don't really like spending too much time with one person. I guess I could say that i have a really big crush on him, but I don't want to date him...I'm just friends with him, and we're both really horny, and we just want to be teenagers and have sex without all the committment. Why be in a relationship just for the sex, when you can have the sex without the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted August 24, 2003 Moderators Share Posted August 24, 2003 Miss 420, you make the following two interesting statements: I don't really want to be in a relationship because I don't really like spending too much time with one person.and,we just want to be teenagers and have sex without all the committment. Why be in a relationship just for the sex, when you can have the sex without the relationship? I'm not judging here, but I look at these two statements, and I wonder how physically and emotionally healthy this can be for you? Just "thinking out loud" here... Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted August 24, 2003 Share Posted August 24, 2003 I had a friends with benefits thing when I was younger. And the arrangement worked out okay, but I always found myself expecting him to call me, or getting a little jealous when he would have other plans or something. It's hard, especially for girls, to have sex with someone and not get a little attached. But if you can do it, then hell, why not. At least your getting yours, right? Just use protection. Link to post Share on other sites
gn-4-hir Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 well with this kind of situation, i think it best to figure out what head hes thinking with. because one thinks on impulse, and normally those impulses will hurt the other party (you) weather or not you become attached. Now if he is REALLY thinking with the head on his shoulders then it COULD work out. i was asked by a female friend of mine just today if i wanted to be a "friends with benefits", i have yet to reply. Becarefull, dont get hurt- close friend or not, i know how guys think, and i first hand know how girls can become emotionally attached. like i said caution jOn, age 17 Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 yes i agree you should be careful aabout this, think about it befoer giving him an answer. If either one of you gets emotionally attached, and the other finds himself/herself a gf/bf...and end up doing stuff with him/her and spending lesser time with you...then you'll be the one hurt in the end Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted November 2, 2003 Share Posted November 2, 2003 A friend with benefits - Ever heard of a "homey - lover - friend"? You kick it, maybe hang out, and then sleep together. Then they go on their way and may occasionally say, 'I'll call you", or "Give me a call". Kind of like a bootycall. Enough said... Link to post Share on other sites
tackleboxteddybear Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 the hole thing is that he wants not just to have sex with her but the other benifits of companionship like holding her close while watching a movie or a kiss everynow & then. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted November 4, 2003 Moderators Share Posted November 4, 2003 Not trying to be a Pr*ck but... Read The Line Above...WHAT difference would that arrangement make tacklebox? Just my $0.02 Curt Link to post Share on other sites
XXCHANEL25XX Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 hey..my ex girlfriend and i are still pretty cool wid each other still..and every now and then i get the urge to fool around..usually i can tell she gets the urge too...we both supposedly were in love..iduno wut happened tho...i was wondering if i should ask her if she wants to become friends w/ benefits. should i? or would i just be making myself look like an ass?? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 There seem to be some contradictions embedded in this: Originally posted by XXCHANEL25XX we both supposedly were in love..iduno wut happened tho... Sounds like you're unresolved about your former relationship and the feelings you had for her. So do you know what you feel for her now? i was wondering if i should ask her if she wants to become friends w/ benefits. should i? Sure, if that's what you want. She can always say no -- because a) she isn't attracted to you anymore, b) she doesn't do fwb out of principle, or c) she wouldn't be satisfied with fwb, and would be likely to get hurt if she did it. Or she can say yes. What have you got to lose? or would i just be making myself look like an ass?? If you're worried about that, I have to wonder if you're going to be satisfied with fwb. If your real goal is to get back together with her, fwb is not a good stepping stone. If you want to get back together with her, start talking to her, in particular about the fact that the two of you were supposedly in love and you don't know what happened. Don't tell her you just want to sleep with her! Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted November 11, 2003 Moderators Share Posted November 11, 2003 Couldn't have said it more clearly! Curt Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 I'd like to throw in that I once had a great friend and we ended up being friends with benefits for a few months until we both got involved with other people and we remain great friends. So it CAN work. Link to post Share on other sites
VZWOP Posted November 20, 2003 Share Posted November 20, 2003 Friends with benefits is a crock of **** , that some people try to pull to get ass. What does this do, you may ask. Well, here it goes: As some people have already mentioned, it leaves the girls hurting. (I'm a guy, by the way, and I'm straight, but I'm against this "friends with benefits" thing). On top of that, once that girl finds someone that she really likes, and the guy likes her too, if he finds out she had a "friends with benefits" relationship with someone, it will destroy him. I'm talking personal experience here. So please, don't keep this up, either date and do your thing, or don't. Most nice guys out there will appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedfriend Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 I have a longtime friend who is now my best friend (she's a girl). I have always had a crush on her, it used to be puppy love but now it is much more. I truly feel that I love her (yes I know this is unlikely to be my one true love). We have had a few friends with benefits moments while drunk (she did initiate once) and a foot massage (any insight into whether this means anything at all). Some of this was after agreeing to random hookups (everything but sex). Yet, after the most recent hookup she gave me a HJ, I told her we have to stop. I don;t know what to do. I do not see how she cannot see me as more than a friend, which she has said before, Especially since we are so close and tried benefits. I want a real relationshiop with her but don;t know how to find out if she also likes me ad is just to afraid of ruining the friendship, shy, or honestly felt nothign during our hook-ups. Any advice? - Super confused Guy P.S. - I'm a guy, shouldn't I be happy I had a friend with benefits? Am I crazy or something? Link to post Share on other sites
aJoy Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 No, you're not crazy at all confusedfriend... First, I want to say that friends with benefits is the absolute worst. my opinion though. I once had a relationship that was basically a "f*** friend" kinda gig. We'd spend the night a few times a week, barely talk, cuddle, have sex, cuddle some more and go our seperate ways. I thought it was what I wanted because I didnt want a "real" relationship but it messed me up emotionally and being a girl, the sex made me feel something for him even though I really didn't like this guy... this crap went on for a year, and it became my easy way to stay single and still get some without being a total slut... anyway, it did me more harm than good (SAFE SEX ALL THE TIME THOUGH) and unless you are totally sure you can be emotionally detatched then you will not be okay in a relationship like that. confusedfriend, I think you should just go ahead and let your friend know that you have feelings for her and that you would like to pursue a relationship... tell her that she doesnt have to feel wierded out if she doesnt want that with you because you still want to be friends regardless (if you do that is) and I wouldnt worry too much about it working out or not, life is after all, about taking risk. i think that as long as you both respect each other and establish exactly what the relationship means Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS? THERES THIS GUY I KNOW BY GOING TO PARTIES AND WE TALKED A BIT, SO I CONSIDER US BEEN FRIENDS, THIS ONE NIGHT WE WERE DRINKING AND WE HOOKUP AND THEN AGAIN ANOTHER AND AGAIN WHEN WE WERE SOBER. CAN THIS TURN INTO A Relationship and how could i ask him?? i need advise Link to post Share on other sites
happybeingme Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 My friend with benefits was in a twelve year marriage, I was in a fourteen year marriage. We both have children that are our main priorities, and neither of us want the drama or energy it takes to be in a relationship. We've been friends with benefits for 18 months and so far it has done nothing but made things better for us both. There are some very clear rules we came up with in our particular circumstances that have helped this work. Firstly, we are eachother's primary source for sex. A once in a while thing with another person is fine, and all either of us want right now. Secondly, we are friends first and foremost. If this ever begins to feel uncomfortable or that its changed for either one of us, we talk about it and make our decisions from there. Thirdly, should one of us decide we are ready to start dating, the benefts end. Too hard to begin a relationship when that kind of intimacy exists elsewhere. This, for us works really well, but there can be some jealousy. That's why it works best for us if we are the only "friends with benefits" and the others are just occasional dates or booty calls. What works is the fact that with friends there is that connection and intimacy. You not only share your body, but as friends you share details, dreams, disappointments, etc. We don't just go home after, we spend the night and talk, hug, whatever. As friends we are there for one another, and rely on one another, but we each have our own world outside of eachother. (including friends of the opposite sex and dates and families) Mostly, to make this work requires incredible openess and honesty. No dating games and trying to figure out your next move ..... that's not a friendship. I want to be connected and loved, but I'm just not up to the task of being "in love". Is any of this making sense? Link to post Share on other sites
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