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Jealous, bitchy women???


Spinderella

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During the past week, I have had 3 women from work trying to get me out of the workplace, 1 supposed good friend try to get me in trouble with my bf, and another supposed very good friend once again, for the 10th time this year, exclude me from plans with groups of friends and boyfriends and lie to me about it.

Are these women jealous of me? I am a good friend to both of the friends, always there when they need to talk, always offering good advice...The women from work don't even know me yet, I am new to their department.

This has really upset me today.

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During the past week, I have had 3 women from work trying to get me out of the workplace,

 

They could be just very territorial females - fighting hard to keep the male : female ratio in the workplace high.

Makes you wonder whether they have a life outside working hours. :rolleyes:

 

Or perhaps they have decided that you represent a threat to them after they have seen your abilities - take it as a compliment.

 

1 supposed good friend try to get me in trouble with my bf,

 

Nothing better than a backstabbing friend to brighten your day.

If you are sure she did this intentionally, get rid of her - she is not the kind of person you'd want around.

 

and another supposed very good friend once again, for the 10th time this year, exclude me from plans with groups of friends and boyfriends and lie to me about it.

 

Pretty childish. You might be tempted to remind her that you're not in high school anymore, but it's probably not worth it.

 

Are these women jealous of me? I am a good friend to both of the friends, always there when they need to talk, always offering good advice...

This has really upset me today.

 

I'm sorry that you were so disappointed, it's awful to find out that you've been wasting time on people who don't really deserve it and putting a lot of effort in being a good friend to people who are not worthy of your friendship.

At least now you'll hopefully be using that time in more rewarding ways.

 

Just remember that not all people are like that.

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Thanks for your reply,

Yes, I realise I shouldn't be putting up with these supposed friends, the trouble is, that Im not really in circumstances to make new friends, except at work, and I have outlined that situation. Also this happens to me all the time. I have lost jobs before due to territorial females, but they seem to gang together against me. This is not paranoia, it really happens.

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Sometimes people can act like your friend to your face and behind your back not be! I have experienced this just recently and these are people you avoid and never trust!! Be careful with people like this. Good luck and watch your back.

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Thanks for your reply,

Yes, I realise I shouldn't be putting up with these supposed friends, the trouble is, that Im not really in circumstances to make new friends, except at work, and I have outlined that situation. Also this happens to me all the time. I have lost jobs before due to territorial females, but they seem to gang together against me. This is not paranoia, it really happens.

 

Is it mobbing what they are doing, or are they acting more subtly, trying to discredit you with your bosses? (that is, if you are working as an employee)

 

Just wondering whether you could do anything to protect yourself against their attempt of making you lose your job.

Or are they smart enough not to do anything that you could report?

 

I hope you can find some way of making new friends and meeting new people outside the workplace. Are you really busy?

The neighborhood, events that are related or unrelated to work, parties, the internet - all places where you can meet nice people if you are lucky enough.

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Thanks for your reply,

Yes, I realise I shouldn't be putting up with these supposed friends, the trouble is, that Im not really in circumstances to make new friends, except at work, and I have outlined that situation. Also this happens to me all the time. I have lost jobs before due to territorial females, but they seem to gang together against me. This is not paranoia, it really happens.

 

When you find yourself in a pattern where the same negative things keep happening to you, there comes a point where you have to start considering whether there are any things you do that contribute towards those patterns.

 

That's not saying "you deserve this" or "it's your fault". There's no doubt that some people do employ strategies to cause difficulties for others or prevent them from getting ahead. If, however, you dwell on that to the extent that you see every bad situation you get into as being wholly controlled by external factors and other people, you'll never break out of those patterns.

 

It might be more helpful to take the view that people may or may not be trying to hold you back and cause you problems, but regardless of their intentions you will stay balanced, focused...and get where you want to be. As long as you adhere to view that these people are capable of controlling your destiny, then they're going to keep sniffing you out as an easy target.

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Is it mobbing what they are doing, or are they acting more subtly, trying to discredit you with your bosses? (that is, if you are working as an employee)

 

Just wondering whether you could do anything to protect yourself against their attempt of making you lose your job.

Or are they smart enough not to do anything that you could report?

 

I hope you can find some way of making new friends and meeting new people outside the workplace. Are you really busy?

The neighborhood, events that are related or unrelated to work, parties, the internet - all places where you can meet nice people if you are lucky enough.

Two of these women hold a high position in the company.

I am taking steps to protect myself, I don't want to go into too much detail, but I think I will be alright. It was more the fact that these things happened that upset me.

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When you find yourself in a pattern where the same negative things keep happening to you, there comes a point where you have to start considering whether there are any things you do that contribute towards those patterns.

 

That's not saying "you deserve this" or "it's your fault". There's no doubt that some people do employ strategies to cause difficulties for others or prevent them from getting ahead. If, however, you dwell on that to the extent that you see every bad situation you get into as being wholly controlled by external factors and other people, you'll never break out of those patterns.

 

It might be more helpful to take the view that people may or may not be trying to hold you back and cause you problems, but regardless of their intentions you will stay balanced, focused...and get where you want to be. As long as you adhere to view that these people are capable of controlling your destiny, then they're going to keep sniffing you out as an easy target.

Thanks for your reply.

No I dont give them the power to control my destiny, and I think they are realising this today, as I am smart enough not to let them think they are getting to me, and making it known that any problems they feel are being posed by promoting me to this position will be discussed with the manager without it looking as though I am being awkard or against them.

I am not giving anybody any reason to see me as a threat to them other than by doing my job well and being attractive. :)

I also do not have a victim identity problem, I realise that these things can and do happen in every bodys life, but sometimes get upset by them. I think this is kind of normal.

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Two of these women hold a high position in the company.

I am taking steps to protect myself, I don't want to go into too much detail, but I think I will be alright. It was more the fact that these things happened that upset me.

 

Good luck with thwarting their efforts, then. :)

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I also do not have a victim identity problem, I realise that these things can and do happen in every bodys life, but sometimes get upset by them. I think this is kind of normal.

 

I'm not suggesting it isn't normal. I've been in the situation you're in at work before, and I managed to turn it around. I hope you can do the same.

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See this is why I hate girls , and that is the worst feeling hun. I had a group of best friends and they were all like that except my bestfriend and me. Personally stay strong and stick with your job, these stupid girls will eventually turn on eachother. Thats just the way it is, and with out you there..they would probaly hate eachother and instead of placing their insecurities amongst you:)

 

Look don't necessarily snoop down to their level, but if you " secretly" want to tick them off more why don't you fix your self up more and be happy. They will hate to see that trust me. I never really saw these characteristics in guys, only some.

 

and yes this is 100% normal for you to feel like this. This is a new job and you were hoping to meet great new people except you got stuck with scandalous rats. Don't cater to their needs or be nice. Give a smile and thats all. Meet friends somewhere else these girls obviously have no good character so even if they start to be nice to you? Who wants friends like that? I woulden't and I'm sure you don't. Once they no they can push your buttons, the " fight" is endless. At my work there is this one very stuck up girl who now I can deal with. When new people arrived she wanted to be mean to them and make them do everything. I wanted to back hand her so friggen hard. But instead they realized these girls weren't going to take their mindless crap.

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Look don't necessarily snoop down to their level, but if you " secretly" want to tick them off more why don't you fix your self up more and be happy. They will hate to see that trust me.

and they say that women are the fairer sex....jeez :rolleyes:

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mental_traveller

Well - you are dealing with Macchiavellian characters, and expecting them to act like average Jane Does. Bad mistake.

 

But the thing is, it's not so hard to get along with "political" slightly mercenary people. Just let them know that you are aware of their games, and let them know it doesn't bother you - then suggest why not spare the bull**** and just keep things in the open? They will have a specific motive for what they did - just figure it out, then let them know you know, and say it doesn't bother you, but why not just cut the crap next time?

 

Usually lies & manipulations are a way to avoid having to deal with people's negative reactions. If a liar knows you aren't going to react badly, then they don't really have any reason to cover up from you. So generally, they'll start actig more "straight".

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and they say that women are the fairer sex....jeez :rolleyes:

 

 

What I keep seeing on this thread is a mentality of "other women are the bitchy ugly sisters and I'm the nice, hard working Cinderella who gets trodden on because they're all jealous of me or something..."

 

There are reasons some women still find it difficult to cut their way through glass ceilings. Sometimes it can be due to an environment that isn't conducive to women getting ahead, and certainly unhealthy politics can play a part, but it can also come down to individual women resenting any advice or feedback that isn't totally geared towards stroking their egos.

 

I normally like to try to present a feminist perspective on this board...but increasingly the some of the worst examples of egotism I've read on this board seem to be coming from women. By egotism, I mean the refusal to be honest with oneself...manifesting itself in the habit of rationalising all of life's difficulties with self-flattering explanations. "My behaviour is faultless, but sadly I've run into some difficulties due to the bitchiness and jealousy of other women."

 

Egotists are easy to flatter and easy to wound. A person who doesn't hide from their less flattering truths or possibilities might feel less good about themselves in the short term, but longer term they're much harder for office politicians to manipulate.

 

Still. I guess it's just so much cosier to just sit around giving out fake positive strokes about how nice we all are, and how other women are just such bitches.

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Egotists are easy to flatter and easy to wound.

Contrary to popular opinion, LINDYA, it is usually women who have much larger egos than men. Women keep their humongous egos hidden inside themselves so that few can see them. Men with egos tend to show them to the whole world. I cringe everytime women complain about men's big egos when they themselves have even larger ones.

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This has happened to me twice. I think you'll find that the perpetrators are either threatened by your competence and abilities in the work place. If there are guys around, they are threatened about having to compete with you for male attention so they will deliberately exclude you from social and work events. It's difficult, especially when you ahve been raised to treat people how you want to be treated and when people who you thought were your friends don't stand up for you. There are plenty of books on Amazon about how to deal with relational aggression or "mean girls".

 

I'd like to add to your post though -

 

why is it that guys never realise when women are deliberately being "mean" or if they see it, they don't care? Is it because all they care about is getting laid and they will sacrifice their female friends to achieve that goal??

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Firstly, the title of my thread includes a question mark. Jealous, bitchy women? Not Jealous, bitchy women!

Secondly, did it ever occur to you, that with those friends of mine, it is actually rather hurtful. Yes, I have looked at my behaviour, of course, and considered had I done anything to aggravate, them, and of course even considered am I an awful person and so deserve this? Considered am I reading too much into these things, and often I let things slide just because I think, well we all have our little idiosyncrasies and insecurities.

So I can decide to try not to take it personally, that is about all I can do, which I am trying to, and I'm afraid part of that included recognising that hey, maybe it's not my fault, or well deserved.

 

The trouble is you're focusing on fault and blame instead of thinking more in terms of reasons. Do you have to identify an "awful person" or "bitches" in all of this? Is it not possible to simply accept that no person, including you, is perfect - and that one of they keys to effectively resolving conflicts involves resisting the urge to play blame games even when you sense others playing those games?

 

You do not know, nor can you judge by the title and content of this thread, how much facing of my inner demons I have done. Sometimes, though, women are just being jealous and bitchy. Here you seem to be blaming society, and so I would also add, that if women do have more of a struggle, then why not stick together instead of treading on each other?

 

Hang on. When a woman makes a statement like "sometimes...women are just being jealous and bitchy", then the only support she's likely to attract is from other people of a similar mindset. What happens then, when she comes into conflict with those women (bearing in mind that conflict is a normal aspect of human relationships)? She over-reacts and labels them as bitches, and they do exactly the same thing back. After all, that's the mindset all the players are operating from....ie that deep down other women are just jealous and bitchy.

 

Don't believe me? Watch what happens on this board when catfights develop between women who initially bonded on the basis of their mutual "other women envy me" backslapping.

 

As to women supporting eachother. My view is that I'll support another woman against unfair discrimination, but beyond that I don't extend my support and friendship purely on the basis of gender. I extend it to people who I've learned to trust and respect. I've met one or two women who don't particularly like their own gender, but expect to receive feminist style support when it suits them. My response to that is...keep looking.

 

Again, Lindya, sometimes women are just being bitchy. You seem to be of the opinion that women, are not bitchy, but those that feel that some are, have problems with egoism?

 

I think "bitchiness" is part of the human condition at times. Again, none of us are perfect. Egotists, in my view, are the people who refuse to recognise their own "bitchy" elements...whilst quick to see them in others.

 

Have you never heard of workplace bullying. Never heard of older more established women in workplaces targetting the younger ones, because they are feeling insecure about their jobs being taken over? Or indeed the other way around and younger women targetting the older ones, so that they can take over their jobs?

 

Of course I've heard of workplace bullying. I've also been involved in dispute resolution where there was clear evidence of people alleging workplace bullying also engaging in the behaviour that could be described in the same terms. And before you start getting defensive, I'm not suggesting that is applicable in your case. What I am saying is that people are seldom objective about their own part in these scenarios. Some people will beat themselves up for having become the target of bullying, others might start indulging in blame games that could be perceived as a more passive form of bullying.

 

None of that is healthy - and the aim of this forum is (I thought) to encourage people towards balanced, healthy examination of their difficulties rather than to simply affirm the thought patterns that may well have contributed towards keeping them in those difficulties.

 

If you want to continue being defensive about this, that's up to you. You're the one who has to deal with this situation, ultimately.

 

With regard to your last post, it sounds as if you're currently in an unfortunate situation - so no, I don't envy you.

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Oh ok, you responded to my post before I edited it. I was having a joke with you.

Yes, I do agree with you actually. I suppose I was emotionally reacting from feeling hurt, about the friends. That doesn't mean that I don't recognise I also have faults, but where do you draw the line. I usually end up letting things slide on exactly that basis, that we all have faults. However, if I am to let it slide, I have to accept that this is a part of the friendship, and if I am to accept it, then I have to really accept it, or discontinue the friendship. I don't feel hurt about the workplace situation, but I did feel a little vulnerable. Yes, they are trying to make my job difficult, but, I do not need to make that my problem.

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Yes, Lindya is so astute.

 

I've been that person saying "women are bitches", but actually it was a cop out for me. Sure some people sometimes act in ways we'd rather they didn't, but dismissing them as bitches is no way to resolve anything. It's pretty immature too.

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That doesn't mean that I don't recognise I also have faults, but where do you draw the line.

 

It's not easy to know, which is why sometimes work-related disputes do benefit from independent third party input.

 

A certain amount of conflict is normal in a dynamic workplace - especially if it's a diverse setting where there's going to be a lot of different interests and ideas competing. When you get to the stage where, as seems to be happening in your case, people are trying to shunt eachother out of a job, then the environment's changed from normal, healthy conflict into something that's out of control and destructive.

 

It's tempting to identify toxic individuals in amongst all of that who are responsible....but often those people are just a reflection of the environment they're in. You can remove them or discipline them - but it doesn't necessarily change the basic nature of the workplace.

 

Have there been recent changes (restructuring, re-titling of particular positions etc) in the company you're working for?

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but often those people are just a reflection of the environment they're in..

 

I absolutely agree!

 

I'm not sure exactly what kind of behavior your colleagues are exhibiting, or how long you've been at your current job … but It's been my experience that when you enter an environment where the employees are miserable, nasty and generally unpleasant, it's more of a reflection of that negative work environment than it is any individual's perception of you.

 

I understand how easy it is to misinterpret their perceived unfriendliness as something directed towards you, but if you sit back as the quiet observer long enough, nine times out of ten you'll discover they all just outwardly hate their jobs, and not necessarily you.

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mental_traveller
What I keep seeing on this thread is a mentality of "other women are the bitchy ugly sisters and I'm the nice, hard working Cinderella who gets trodden on because they're all jealous of me or something..."

 

There are reasons some women still find it difficult to cut their way through glass ceilings. Sometimes it can be due to an environment that isn't conducive to women getting ahead, and certainly unhealthy politics can play a part, but it can also come down to individual women resenting any advice or feedback that isn't totally geared towards stroking their egos.

 

That's certainly possible. However, somtimes a spade is just a spade.

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