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Your advise would be nice thanks


blue_lagoon

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Where to begin? I recently went through a legal separation and thankfully remained friends with my ex and although setup in a new home with kids that are happy I’m dealing with a lot of anxiety over someone else.

I met another women about 2 years ago when my little boy started school. For a long time we were very good friends and shared a lot of days together with all the kids playing together. As my relationship was coming to an end I confided in this women only to find that she was living in relationship where her husband suffered sever depression and basically was treating here and her child terribly with total emotional abuse. After Christmas last is was clear that both of us had feelings for each other and realised that we were in love with each other and for a very short time things became physical. We realised that this was causing guilt in both of us as we felt that we were coming from relationships that were not right we feared that if we were to keep taking chances and got caught it would be most unfair on us (and the kids) as both of our partners would have been given a perfect excuse to blame us for the breakdown in our respective relationships which I could go into but believe me would be so far from the truth. We worked very hard to remain close but not physical and have done this right up to today.

So now I’m separated and living also with my kids etc she is still living with her husband and she is still very unhappy but as he is unwell this makes things very difficult for her to leave as she sees this as walking out on a person who is ill. Peer pressure too from family etc doesn’t help her cause. I do have strong feeling about how wrong this is this but I’d prefer to keep them to my self for now.

So why am I hear? Well although we are great friends and the odd time hug and kiss -and I honestly can say that that is all - I’m finding it personally very very hard not being able to have this women in my life fulltime. I try to be there for her and always manage to be happy and make her laugh but deep down I’m dying dying dying with pain as I feel like an insecure emotional wreck. I wake in the mornings and the feeling of anxiety is overpowering as I can’t stop thinking of her and if she is ok. I try everything from relaxation techniques to as much rational thinking as I can but nothing keeps this from my mind and I wish I had some mechanism that would help me deal with coping with the way things are. In time she might leave but she cannot answer that now and I don’t’ believe in ultimations as I feel it’s not the correct approach in this case right now. She does seem to have an amazing ability to cope better than me and I wish I could see the glass half full rather than half empty and enjoy the daily contact we have and hope that maybe in the future and if I’m patient we could end up together. I know that there is nothing phsycal between her and her husband and it’s not like she has the best of both worlds as I know very well her life at home is very very difficult and has been for the last few years. Am I mad? I don’t know maybe you can advise. Please don’t say to stop contacting her or texting as out kids are in class together and I see her every day and can’t avoid this. We did have very heavy conversations over the last few months and to be honest now we do still talk loads but realised that as we both come from dysfunctional relationships that if we kept talking about the what if’s that in effect this would actually pull us apart. Now we have a great friendly relationship however I love her with all my heart and just wish I could give her the happiness I feel she deserves.

I appreciate that maybe I need to move on and think of a future for myself with such uncertainty but believe me I have tried so hard to emotionally detach myself and I fail so bad I’m at a loss as to where to turn now.

Thank you for reading this and I hope it makes sense.

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You're in a tough situation, but it seems she's made a decision to stay with her husband, so there really isn't anything that you can do. I know you don't want to pull back, but for you own peace of mind and sanity, that's exactly what you have to do. The more deeply involved you are in her life, the more you will feel this anxiety you are feeling. You are so far into it, that you can't imagine not having her in your life, but you are doing damage to your own mental well-being by maintaining such a close friendship with her.

 

You have to take some more steps back from her. She can't be in your life as your partner; you're having difficulties with her as a close friend, and you aren't open to other women and other relationships because of it.

 

Your kids need a father who's whole and healthy, and you need that for yourself as well since you are still dealing with the separation. Perhaps you can step back for a few months and see if there is any improvement in your mental health, or if there is any change in her views on her marriage. By being so close to her, you could be making it easier for her to stay in her marriage.

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Thank you for this very honest and helpful reply. It's tough to do what you say but I know deep down I have to do exactly what you suggest.

 

"By being so close to her, you could be making it easier for her to stay in her marriage" Really sums it up thank you and really how can I argue with this simple but powerfully put.

thanks again.

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