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Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Old 2nd August 2006, 12:16 PM   #1
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WTF is wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!

This is wierd.....

So last night, I was sitting at home watching TV and my roommate comes home, so we're talking and her phone rings. She then wanders off to her room and I continue sitting there watching TV.

10 min later or so, she comes back out still on the phone and then tells the guy she's talking to that she has to "warn him that she's sitting in the living room in front of her roommate" (me).

So I thought that was a bit low class, I mean if she wanted privacy, she could have stayed in her room, or just asked me to make myself scarce (I'm a really laid back guy). So then she proceeds to sit in the living room and continue talking to this guy, telling him how much she liked his eyes, etc. So at this point I just packed up and went to bed.

Was I wrong to be offended? And why the heck am I feeling these twinges of jealousy? It's not like we've ever been anything more than roommates and friends.

ARGH....I hate emotions.....why wasn't I born a Vulcan. (Captain, emotion is not logical) Spock
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Old 2nd August 2006, 12:44 PM   #2
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Are you being protective like her brother?

Men are born to be territorial..

Men don't like to hear woman gabbing anyway so I think you would naturally be annoyed at the face she was talking on her phone in front of you.

Your just a man..
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Old 2nd August 2006, 2:10 PM   #3
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Was I wrong to be offended? And why the heck am I feeling these twinges of jealousy? It's not like we've ever been anything more than roommates and friends.
Sounds like a not-so-cleverly crafted performance designed specifically to inspire exactly the kind of reaction you had.

Familiarity does not only breed contempt … but sometimes unspoken attraction.

You are a man. She is a woman. Pretty basic stuff if you ask me.

However, I think you already know the underlying reasons why you felt some twinges of jealousy. The bigger question is … how was she able to predict in advance the way you were going to react, and why did she resort to staging such a silly act to get your attention?

OR … maybe she's using you to make the guy on the other end of the phone feel a bit jealous, instead. (???)

(sniff, sniff) I think I smell a game-player.
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Old 2nd August 2006, 2:50 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by EnigmaXOXO View Post
The bigger question is … how was she able to predict in advance the way you were going to react, and why did she resort to staging such a silly act to get your attention?

OR … maybe she's using you to make the guy on the other end of the phone feel a bit jealous, instead. (???)

(sniff, sniff) I think I smell a game-player.
Well, heh heh, that's as Paul Harvey used to say "The rest of the story". In reflection I think this kinda started on Sunday afternoon, I was at one of her friend's homes, helping them with setting up their business accounting system, when all of the sudden she walks in. I was feeling a bit wierd about that, as I mentioned it to her the night before, and she never said anything about thinking about visiting them, or I would have suggested we carpool. So anyways, I'm billing her friends for my expertise, so as a professional I maintained my focus on the clients and the task at hand, while she chatted away in the background with her friend. (e.g. I pretty much ignored her)

Apparently, she had just so happened to be at a coin-op car wash (20 miles south of where we live, but just right around the corner from her friend's house) when she met this guy, and he offered to wash her car, etc. etc. so then she decided to pop over (she's in the neighborhood anyways, right) to play with the kids and take them swimming.

Ok, so it's already a bit wierd and rapidly getting wierder. I finish setting up the invoicing system, and knock off for the day, so I'm sitting outside by the pool chatting with the client, and she comes back out. Now the lounge chairs are side by side, and her towel is lying on the other chair. She comes out, pulls the chair away from mine, then grabs her towel and walks away but in doing so passes right in front of me and between my line of sight with the client (this got a brief, odd look from her friend).

So dinnertime comes and roomie decides to skedaddle. In passing, I was like "Oh cool, are you going out to dinner?" she replies that she's just going home. Ok, so I eat dinner, and head home feeling a bit like a stalking victim. Was tense for about 30 seconds at home, then things seemed to go back to "normal" until last night.

Am I somehow subconsiously giving off some type of signals that say "please mess with my head"?

*sigh* pardon the long winded storyline.
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Old 2nd August 2006, 3:10 PM   #5
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hmm.. Glad your not my bf. I'd be freaking out about this.

Maybe she is playing head games with you. Maybe trying to get your attention in a physical way for FWB?

Animal Instincts kicking in without any thoughts?

Man + Woman + living together = temptation

Wow...

Confront her I say. Don't let her snake out of the conversation. Bring it to her face..

You will have your answers then..
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Old 2nd August 2006, 5:25 PM   #6
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Am I somehow subconsiously giving off some type of signals that say "please mess with my head"?
No. It's called "sexual tension" … just in case you've been out of the loop long enough to forget what it feels like.

My guess is, she's baiting the hook in what she thinks is a subtle way.

I think Pada's right on the mark, too. But I think my approach might be different. I wouldn't call her on it (yet) because the poor thing is liable to deny it out of sheer embarrassment that she's being so darn obvious. Or you might end up embarrassed if she accuses you of jumping to assumptions about her totally innocent behavior.

But I guarantee, the more coy you are (aka: pretending to be totally oblivious and unaffected) the more in-your-face her strategy will become. Exercise gentlemanly patience and you'll have your definite answer soon enough.

Meanwhile, proceed carefully and remain smart about this or you might end up in an awkward situation too soon before you've gotten the chance to really know each other. While I'd be willing to bet the funny farm that this roomy thing is well on it's way into developing into something more … you'll want to be absolutely sure that it's something you're truly ready for rather than a situation of convenience. Otherwise, your friendship may turn sour and you'll wind up with a boatload of hurt feelings, disappointment and regrets.

Go slow, Grasshopper. Go Slow!
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Old 2nd August 2006, 5:32 PM   #7
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Or test the waters--
when she is in a small space where you can somewhat block her departure, approach her in her space close enough that when she turns around your standing right there and put your hands on her waist as if you are catching her from falling (tripping) over you. But make sure your close to her. If she stops in her shoes and doesn't move--almost stops breathing and is looking into your eyes--I would almost guarentee she is sending you sexual tension messages or physcial attraction subtle flirts..

You will know.. Your the man you can control this situation. You can test it to see. If she just fumbles by you without notice of the close body chemestry you will have your answer also.

I had a guy do this to me. I was acting like I was all tough and not interested in him and he did this to me and I melted... He tested me... I failed...
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Old 2nd August 2006, 8:22 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by EnigmaXOXO View Post
No. It's called "sexual tension" … just in case you've been out of the loop long enough to forget what it feels like.
Well it has been four years since my divorce and I've dated precisely two women for about a month each in those four years, so maybe I have been out of the loop for long enough to have forgotten, heck I think I've forgotten what sex is, nevermind the tension.

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Originally Posted by EnigmaXOXO View Post
I think Pada's right on the mark, too.
Ok, but she is well aware of my stance towards FWB (I don't do it).

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Originally Posted by EnigmaXOXO View Post
Go slow, Grasshopper. Go Slow!
Actually I was thinking more along the lines of RUN FORREST........RUN.
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Old 2nd August 2006, 8:34 PM   #9
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How did you two end up living together?
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Old 2nd August 2006, 8:53 PM   #10
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Or test the waters--
when she is in a small space where you can somewhat block her departure, approach her in her space close enough that when she turns around your standing right there and put your hands on her waist as if you are catching her from falling (tripping) over you. But make sure your close to her. If she stops in her shoes and doesn't move--almost stops breathing and is looking into your eyes--I would almost guarentee she is sending you sexual tension messages or physcial attraction subtle flirts..
It's been wierd lately, like a few days ago, she was in the kitchen and I walked in behind her to get some cheese out of the fridge (I had munchies), and she kinda looks at me funny and asks me what I'm doing. I'm like "I'm getting some cheese", break off a corner and go back to watching TV.

As much as I see the logic in your advice, I think cornering her might backfire, ending up with me getting smacked. Sometimes when I'm feeling affectionate and big brotherly, I'll kinda just touch her on the shoulder before I go to bed, and she doesn't seem to notice at all, so I dunno.

You know, this issue has been bugging me all day, and I've been replaying prior scenarios that I thought were just passing oddities, but now have me thinking more nefarious machinations might be underfoot.

Like for example, lately she has taken to inventorying her necessities in front of me before going to bed, i.e. cell phone, glass of water, cigarettes, lighter, ashtray. One of my friends joked that she is trying to include a 6ft tall asian (me) in that list.

Some other stuff, is that sometimes when we're watching tv I'll catch her glancing at me out, of the corner of my eye. (it's an 'L' shaped sofa, she sits on one leg, I sit on the other), and she also likes to look me right in the eye when she's talking to me, sometimes to the point I feel like she is trying to see the back of my head (though this could be because she works for the Gov't and is used to being in a position of authoritah).

A couple of times, like when handing her the remote or a chocolate bar (we're both chocoholics) her hand kinda overreaches and closes around my fingers, which could be accidental, but you all know how long a standard size chocolate bar is, and it's not like I'm handing it to her all hamfisted or something.

However, we have always maintained our separate lives, we keep our personal lives completely separate, we only communicate via e-mail or telephone for necessary reasons, etc. I've only hung out with her outside of the apt about 3 times, shopping or running errands, (I get to carry the bags ).

Finally, I just can't understand what she would see in me, we are from two entirely different worlds. She's pretty, vivacous, successful, has a nice BMW and could have anyone she wanted. I'm divorced, recently filed bankruptcy and a recovering addict (21 months clean WOOHOO ), and drive a pickup truck that burns a quart of oil every 2K miles.

Argh, I just wanted a roommate that wasn't psycho, wacked or a complete slob, now I've got a headache.

Oh well *shrug* gotta go to my Tae Kwon Do class. See you guys and gals later.
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Old 2nd August 2006, 8:59 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Outcast View Post
How did you two end up living together?
An online roommate service.
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Old 3rd August 2006, 1:21 PM   #12
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update, things are back to normal....sort of

Hey guys, just wanted to say thanks so much for all the encouragement.

Well, last night she came home, went to her room for about 90min, then comes down and asks me if I'll go with her to the gas station and run in to get her some cigs.

After that, we watched TV and just talked about our day until about 12:30 (which is actually about 2 hrs later than both of our normal bedtimes).

It felt comfortable....almost intimate. It was a bit wierd, I kinda felt like suddenly she had a renewed interest in what I was saying, there was this new comfort level between us.

One last wierd thing, she addressed me as "love" at one point in time during the conversation. It was only once, but I've never heard her call anyone that before.

Oh well, lets see what happens tonight.
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Old 3rd August 2006, 1:40 PM   #13
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I think either your going to end up in a romantic relationship with her or you or her will be finding a different room mate in time.

She definetly has sexual tension directed towards you.. I'll bet she is curious about how you are in the sack..

Opposite sex's living under the same roof. If your living arrangements are good and comfortable there is definetly living compatability and if there is a mutal attraction to one another there is sexual tension.

This obviously is affecting you or you wouldn't be obsessed about it. (you are sharing with LS after all.).

I think you really need to talk to her about all the awkwardness and be respectful in the conversation so it doesn't get more uncomfortable then it already is.

She maybe wanting to open that door but is just as nervous about it as you are. Your the man. Start the talk before you drive yourself insaine..
Its better to get it out in the open and cleared up before it becomes a home filled with so much tension you could cut it with a knife.

I think you are attracted to her, I think you are curious about her, I think you are torn between keeping it roommates and wanting to dip into that secret fantasy..

Don't let this dabble around... Its going to create more problems if you don't tackle this head on... Whether you come from opposite worlds or not opposites do attract.
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Old 3rd August 2006, 3:44 PM   #14
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Pada, you have such great insight. It wasn't until yesterday afternoon that I realized that if I didn't have some kind of feelings for her, that all of this most likely wouldn't have bothered me.

I try to keep the living arrangements comfortable, for my peace of mind as well as just general courtesy. I have had so many nightmare roommates, I am determined to never become what I have lived with before. We have never fought over anything, in fact this little incident is the first issue to cause any conflict. We share groceries, and because I am a man, my protective instincts come out, so I'll take her car in for new tires or a tune up. In fact, one of my friends made the comment that because she sees how good I am at maintaining a household, it's triggering little domestic urges within her.

Yeah, I'm obsessing.......ugh, I guess I am into her. I realized that yesterday, this incident probably caused my mind to allocate approximately 65% of my cognitive capacity into overanalyzing the situation.

I tried so hard to not be attracted. I didn't want to be attracted, but I realize now that when I hear the garage door open, my heart beats just a little faster, and I wait for her to walk upstairs, so I can catch a glimpse of what she was wore to work that day, before she changes into her pajamas.

On the other hand though, I wonder if these feelings are real, or if they are merely the result of a man and woman living peacefully in close proximity to one another. I think she is wonderful, and I admire her a great deal, but I don't have those butterflies in my stomach that normally come when I am all "into" a woman.

I mean, what is one supposed to say to her?
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Old 3rd August 2006, 4:09 PM   #15
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It wasn't until yesterday afternoon that I realized that if I didn't have some kind of feelings for her, that all of this most likely wouldn't have bothered me.
Exactly, now you need to figure out if its a fantasy/illusion you are feelings/desiring or if its real.

Quote:
I try to keep the living arrangements comfortable, for my peace of mind as well as just general courtesy. I have had so many nightmare roommates, I am determined to never become what I have lived with before. We have never fought over anything, in fact this little incident is the first issue to cause any conflict. We share groceries, and because I am a man, my protective instincts come out, so I'll take her car in for new tires or a tune up. In fact, one of my friends made the comment that because she sees how good I am at maintaining a household, it's triggering little domestic urges within her.
Women want a man to be a man in the home. She is seeing you abilities through the innocence of your living arrangements.

Quote:
Yeah, I'm obsessing.......ugh, I guess I am into her. I realized that yesterday, this incident probably caused my mind to allocate approximately 65% of my cognitive capacity into over analyzing the situation.
Your still in a predicament where one of you might end up finding another living situation or you will find your selfs playing 'house' like a married couple only to have it possibly fall apart later because of the easy access to one another under the same roof. The courtship of the relationship will stifled. You live too close for it to be fun, exciting and intriguing. IMO

Quote:
I tried so hard to not be attracted. I didn't want to be attracted, but I realize now that when I hear the garage door open, my heart beats just a little faster, and I wait for her to walk upstairs, so I can catch a glimpse of what she was wore to work that day, before she changes into her pajamas.

On the other hand though, I wonder if these feelings are real, or if they are merely the result of a man and woman living peacefully in close proximity to one another. I think she is wonderful, and I admire her a great deal, but I don't have those butterflies in my stomach that normally come when I am all "into" a woman.
My mother always reminds me that--
first you want to be friends with someone.
secondly you want to become buddies.
then lastly you want to become lovers.
When you develop the friendship trust is able to grow and then you establish the buddy relationship where you want to do things together and share your personal lives with one another. then the final stages is when you are intimate physically, which in a moral world would be ideally in marriage.
My mother fully believes in this structure to healthy.
She tells me to stay out of mens beds until you are sure you are friends, his buddy and his only lover..
If you can't be friends and Buddy's you will have problems with trust, respect, boundaries, values and morals with one another. Also you wont rush into a intimate relationship hastily and get your heart broken..

Sex has a way of bonding two people before you really know one another.. Especially most women..
This is why I can't do the FWB thing. I fall to hard, get attached to easily when sex is involved... It's my vise....

Quote:
what is one supposed to say to her?
When you two are in a relaxed state like last night tell her you want to talk about something that has been on your mind. She will pep up and I'm sure say yes.
Then tell her you have been noticing some awkward moments between the two of you and ask her if she has noticed them too.
(start the convo wanting her input. women like to included and participants in conversations... After all we do talk to much right?)
This should be a good start to the conversation.

If she starts to ask what you noticed tell her some of the situations in which you recognized in yourself you felt odd in her presence..

I'm sure with this little opener this will spur into the big convo. Something so simple like a mustard seed can produce a huge field...

You won't be able to get this off your mind or out of your system until you understand it and face it with her...

Maybe she is just flirting and not realizing her innocent manners are affecting you and she will be more observant around you and other men..

Maybe she is attracted to you and is purposely sending you little signals.


Get to the convo with her to get past this or to engage this..

You've been alone for some time now. You might be more ready then you think to get involved SLOWLY with someone again... When you think you don't need or want someone in your life .. that is usually the best time because your neediness and desperation isn't in full flying colors..
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