worriedsick Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 I am married and have a child, so granted, my hubby and I don't get that many chances to go out, but when the child is with the grandparents and we want to go out, we have no one to do it with. We have one set of friends who don't have any kids or aren't currently pregnant, and they act like older farts than us. They point blank refuse to go out and do anything anyone else wants to do - they are content to sit around the house 24/7 and do nothing. Most of the time, chilling at home is just fine, but is it wrong of me to expect once in a while that they oblige us instead of us always doing what they want? All of our other friends are pregnant, so they can't go out for obvious reasons. I'm just so damn tired of sitting at home all the time and doing the same crap over and over. I'm tired of everytime we try to convince them to do something, their response is something like "No. How about we sit around, drink and play games instead". It has gotten to the point that I'm so pissed off at them that I would rather sit in the house on Friday and Saturday nights completely alone rather than hang out with them just for spite. How do I convince them that they're being a bit selfish in refusing to do anything anyone else wants to do, ever? Link to post Share on other sites
scrybe74 Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 I don't get it. Why don't you and your husband/bf go out without them. Just the two of you? In my experience....home bodies are home bodies. They aren't going to change and any pressure you put on them will make you come off as pushy, self centerd and selfish. I'd suggest you and you SO take up a social activity like salsa dancing, etc. so you'd have an oppurtunity to make new friends. Hopefully that helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 it never works. Whenever we do go out by ourselves, we never end up making new friends. We end up just talking amongst ourselves. Don't get me wrong, that's not awful - but we can do that at home without having to find a sitter or pay to get in anywhere, etc. Our friends did not used to suck so bad - they used to be fun before they got married but afterwards, they became boring. The craziest thing is, we were friends with them both before they even started dating and just as friends with each other, they were really fun. But, as soon as they got together they suddenly morphed into this lazy annoying couple. It seems that all of our friends who we used to go out and have fun with have turned into these gigantic lazy homebodies, whereas my hubby and I still have the desire to go out. We just don't really see a point in going out alone anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 You make a major mistake relying on other people for your entertainment. They have an absolute right to spend their time anyway they desire just as you do. Do what makes you happy but don't feel its necessary to drag unwilling participants into your life. If your friends don't want to do particular things that's their right and doesn't make them any less of friends. It just means they are individuals whose likes and dislikes should be respected. Learn to be happy doing things alone or with people who want to do the same things as you. Respect the rights of others to be individuals and don't look to others to be like you...and you'll be one happy camper. Link to post Share on other sites
scrybe74 Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 You make a major mistake relying on other people for your entertainment. They have an absolute right to spend their time anyway they desire just as you do. Do what makes you happy but don't feel its necessary to drag unwilling participants into your life. If your friends don't want to do particular things that's their right and doesn't make them any less of friends. It just means they are individuals whose likes and dislikes should be respected. Learn to be happy doing things alone or with people who want to do the same things as you. Respect the rights of others to be individuals and don't look to others to be like you...and you'll be one happy camper. What Tony said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 they expect us to entertain them. They assume it is a given that almost every night we will be hanging at someone's house, and if we don't fulfill our "obligation", they get all pissy. I look at it like this - if they want me to do endless game nights and the like with them, then once every six months when I want to go out to a bar or something, they could oblige me. Otherwise, they can kiss us hanging out goodbye, because I'm about at my wits end with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 22, 2006 Author Share Posted July 22, 2006 As for hanging out with people who want to do what we want to do, our friends used to fill that spot. They used to be fun and wanted to do things, but now everyone has changed. It irritates me that we can have the same friends for so long and everything is fine, but all of a sudden everyone has started to turn "boring" and we are expected to go and find new friends who are more like us. It just sucks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 I'm sorry you feel that way. People do change, though. That can be tough to adjust to. But it's always a good idea to just take it upon yourself to accept the change, rather than being upset that it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 22, 2006 Author Share Posted July 22, 2006 I'm just not happy that I basically have the option of keeping the friends we have simply so we don't have to hang out alone, or write them off because I'm tired of them monopolizing what we all do as a group. I know, we should go out and try to make new friends, but that's not really easy for us due to time constraints and such. When we want to spend time at home, our friends are great for that. It's just retarded that once every six months we can't get them to leave the house with us. It seems silly to have to go out and make new friends with people whose interests consist of going out and about, that we won't really be able to hang out with that much anyway due to our son and the like. The way it has worked out, it's more trouble than it's worth because it's hard to get people who do want to go out to be homebodies when we need to be, and I'm sure they would feel the same way towards us as we do towards our friends - that we're too boring for them!!! There's just no happy medium as I can see it! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 I had someone end a friendship with me because I didn't hang out as much as he'd like. He communicated his issue with me, and I let him know that at this point in my life I am not capable of meeting that need, so I told him it's within his rights to end the friendship. If someone isn't meeting your needs, it's cool to end the friendship. But it's worth examining why you are so upset about what other people are doing -- behavior which will always be completely out of your control.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 22, 2006 Author Share Posted July 22, 2006 Yes, they aren't meeting our needs. But, if we end the friendships we have with all of our friends who have changed so dramatically, we basically will have no friends left. I don't know that I want to take such drastic steps, because we need people to hang out with during the times we don't go out (which is 99% of the time). I know, that sounds terrible, but that's really how I feel. If new, more exciting people came along, I would definitely stop spending so much time with our current friends. Unfortunately, that opportunity hasn't presented itself and is unlikely to in the near future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 22, 2006 Author Share Posted July 22, 2006 I forgot to mention - it isn't an issue of them not hanging out with us enough. They're practically up our asses 24/7, just not to do anything we want to do. Seriously, every time we offer up another idea of what to do the response we get is "Well, how about a game night instead". I mean honestly, how many nights a week can people play board games before they lose their mind!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Interesting. My friends and I 'hung out' for years because nobody had much money. And we had a blast. We'd do regular stuff together - even hang out and do chores together - and we had a blast. I thought friendship was about enjoying people because of their personalities and not because they're entertainment machines... I visited a friend not so long ago and ended up tagging along while my friend did some chores and tended to some tasks. It was excellent - IMHO the point of being with someone is being with them; if you do something 'fun' it's bonus. And you have each other to go anyplace you like and do anything you like with!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 22, 2006 Author Share Posted July 22, 2006 Interesting. My friends and I 'hung out' for years because nobody had much money. And we had a blast. We'd do regular stuff together - even hang out and do chores together - and we had a blast. I thought friendship was about enjoying people because of their personalities and not because they're entertainment machines... I visited a friend not so long ago and ended up tagging along while my friend did some chores and tended to some tasks. It was excellent - IMHO the point of being with someone is being with them; if you do something 'fun' it's bonus. And you have each other to go anyplace you like and do anything you like with!!! My friends and I do "regular stuff" together all the time. The point is, I feel like they are being selfish. They absolutely refuse to do anything we ask to do beside sit at the house, when we do that for them all the time. Yes, it used to be fun. But it has gotten to the point that the last few times we have asked them to "go out" with us when we had a babysitter for our child, they point blank refused and expected us to give him to them and do the boring ass game night, again. However, one time that we didn't come over when they wanted us to, they "punished us" by coming over two hours late the next time they were supposed to come over. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 I know, we should go out and try to make new friends, but that's not really easy for us due to time constraints and such. You have time to hang out with your friends when the grandparents are watching your child, so why don't you use that time to make new friends? When we want to spend time at home, our friends are great for that. It's just retarded that once every six months we can't get them to leave the house with us. It seems silly to have to go out and make new friends with people whose interests consist of going out and about, that we won't really be able to hang out with that much anyway due to our son and the like.The way it has worked out, it's more trouble than it's worth because it's hard to get people who do want to go out to be homebodies when we need to be, and I'm sure they would feel the same way towards us as we do towards our friends - that we're too boring for them!!! There's just no happy medium as I can see it! You don't want to make new friends because you wouldn't have the time to do the hang out at home deal with them, so you want your hang out at home friends to also do the going out with you. You can't expect them to fulfill both your going out and staying home needs. If you meet new friends to go out with, it doesn't mean you will be obligated to make time for staying home nights with them in addition to your current friends. You can stay at home with your current friends, and go out with the new friends. You keep saying throughout that your friends are boring. Usually if YOU are boring, you end up pointing the finger at others. Boring people get bored. Did it ever occur to you that your friends think that you haven't grown up, that you still like to go out? Maybe they have 'outgrown' that, as many married couples do. Just because you still enjoy going out with friends like old times and your friends don't any more, for whatever reasons - could be financial, doesn't mean they're boring. To them going out is boring compared to the fun they have at home so who are you to call them boring just because their preference for having fun is different than theirs? That's like expecting your tennis partner to be your golf partner, housekeeper and all the other roles you need in your life. Some people can only fulfill one role and it's not their job to fill more than one just to make you satisfied and not be called boring by you. Maybe to them you are boring. Link to post Share on other sites
HeyYouGuys Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Yes, they aren't meeting our needs. But, if we end the friendships we have with all of our friends who have changed so dramatically, we basically will have no friends left. I don't know that I want to take such drastic steps, because we need people to hang out with during the times we don't go out (which is 99% of the time). I know, that sounds terrible, but that's really how I feel. If new, more exciting people came along, I would definitely stop spending so much time with our current friends. Unfortunately, that opportunity hasn't presented itself and is unlikely to in the near future. Don't drop your friends. Friendships go through phases, as some people change more than others. But maybe spend less time with them. Why not join a club focused on something you like? There are hiking clubs, photography clubs, etc. where you can meet people who share your interests. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 And why am I increasingly convinced that all this 'going out and having fun' you're complaining about means 'going to bars and drinking all night'? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Sounds to me like you're in a no-win situation. You and your husband clearly lack the capacity to keep your relationship fresh and alive wityhout interaction with others. How too bad. My wife and I ARE a couple of old farts compared to most here. We don't have a wide circle of friends and dojn't need one. We still "date" one another regularly and throughly enjoy one another's company, have stimulating conversations and love being empty nesters. Even though we have seven children between us, six grands and another on the way, our lives do not center around them or other prople. They center around one another. When push comes to shove, as the children and grands continue to age, move to other states, get along in their own careers, etc., we'll be the ones left with one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 23, 2006 Author Share Posted July 23, 2006 And why am I increasingly convinced that all this 'going out and having fun' you're complaining about means 'going to bars and drinking all night'? Okay, Jesus police. It does mean I want to go out to a bar/restaurant and have a few drinks. We drink we we sit around the houses playing games, so that's nothing new. I just want to go out and look at something new while I sit around and BS with them, instead of the same damn houses all the time. I'm sorry that, unlike you, I don't find scrubbing toilets, mowing the lawn, or whatever other chores you were talking about, anymore interesting with my friends than I do alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 23, 2006 Author Share Posted July 23, 2006 Sounds to me like you're in a no-win situation. You and your husband clearly lack the capacity to keep your relationship fresh and alive wityhout interaction with others. How too bad. My wife and I ARE a couple of old farts compared to most here. We don't have a wide circle of friends and dojn't need one. We still "date" one another regularly and throughly enjoy one another's company, have stimulating conversations and love being empty nesters. Even though we have seven children between us, six grands and another on the way, our lives do not center around them or other prople. They center around one another. When push comes to shove, as the children and grands continue to age, move to other states, get along in their own careers, etc., we'll be the ones left with one another. We don't lack the capacity to entertain one another. My point was that I want to have fun with my friends as well. My husband and I are perfectly able to staying in every night and amusing each other however we choose, but the time we allow for hanging out with friends, we would like it to be something besides sitting at home occasionally. Otherwise, the friends can start staying at their own house and we'll stay home and do what we want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 23, 2006 Author Share Posted July 23, 2006 You have time to hang out with your friends when the grandparents are watching your child, so why don't you use that time to make new friends? You don't want to make new friends because you wouldn't have the time to do the hang out at home deal with them, so you want your hang out at home friends to also do the going out with you. You can't expect them to fulfill both your going out and staying home needs. If you meet new friends to go out with, it doesn't mean you will be obligated to make time for staying home nights with them in addition to your current friends. You can stay at home with your current friends, and go out with the new friends. You keep saying throughout that your friends are boring. Usually if YOU are boring, you end up pointing the finger at others. Boring people get bored. Did it ever occur to you that your friends think that you haven't grown up, that you still like to go out? Maybe they have 'outgrown' that, as many married couples do. Just because you still enjoy going out with friends like old times and your friends don't any more, for whatever reasons - could be financial, doesn't mean they're boring. To them going out is boring compared to the fun they have at home so who are you to call them boring just because their preference for having fun is different than theirs? That's like expecting your tennis partner to be your golf partner, housekeeper and all the other roles you need in your life. Some people can only fulfill one role and it's not their job to fill more than one just to make you satisfied and not be called boring by you. Maybe to them you are boring. If I'm so damn boring, why do they continually want to hang out every single night of the week? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 It does mean I want to go out to a bar/restaurant and have a few drinks. After a while, that gets awful boring. And expensive. Now, if they were turning down going for hikes or drives or picnics or local events, yes, they'd be boring. But maybe they've just grown up and out of the 'let's go out and get trashed' stage of life. It's nothing to do with religion and, generally, a lot to do with maturity. I just want to go out and look at something new while I sit around and BS with them, instead of the same damn houses all the time So buy some posters and put a new one up while you drink Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 23, 2006 Author Share Posted July 23, 2006 After a while, that gets awful boring. And expensive. Now, if they were turning down going for hikes or drives or picnics or local events, yes, they'd be boring. But maybe they've just grown up and out of the 'let's go out and get trashed' stage of life. It's nothing to do with religion and, generally, a lot to do with maturity. So buy some posters and put a new one up while you drink I never said anything about going out and getting trashed, but thanks for making assumptions, a**hole. I don't feel I have an issue with being mature - like I said, it's not like I actually want to go out that much to begin with. It'd just be nice if my friends would oblige me occasionally to go somewhere. And it's not just bars - they never want to go anywhere. But thanks for playing!! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Apparently, nobody will answer the way you like. You don't want to make new friends and you're fed up with your old ones. There is no solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worriedsick Posted July 23, 2006 Author Share Posted July 23, 2006 I guess I was just looking for others who maybe had the same issues, not to be attacked and told I was immature because I like to drink occasionally, or be told that I must be boring because I'm bored with my friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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