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Is my friendship done for? Can I get it back?


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Alright, I tried to make this short, but it has turned out a little long(there is a condensed version near the bottom), but please, bear with me:

 

I met this girl around March 2003, alittle over 3 years ago. We were coworkers, and discovered we had a lot in common, so we started hanging out. From the moment I met her, however, I'd always wanted more than a friendship, and she knew it, but wasn't interested. We still had a very strong, close friendship despite that. Around December of 2004, however, we finally started going out and the relationship lasted about a month and a half, when she broke up with me for some disagreement over her religion. To make matters worse, I found out that she had started seeing someone else.

 

We were still friends after that, but I was still completely devastated over the break up, and wanted the relationship back. Through some helpful advice from this forum, I did the no contact thing in march of 05(I had left the job that we worked at by then) and didn't see her or say a word to her until late May of 05. I called her up one day, with her very happy to hear from me, and we started hanging out again. One week later, she broke up with her boyfriend. Two weeks after that, we started going out again. Things were great for a while.

 

Despite the good relationship, she was going to school four quarters a year, ten weeks a piece with 2-3 week breaks in between. During her quarters, we would still talk almost every day, but we would only see each other once or twice a week, sometimes less, and school was obviously quite stressful for her. During her breaks, we were with each other almost every day.

 

Fast forward to about mid-February 06. It was mid quarter for her, quite stressful as always.

 

-I suppose I should mention now that I treated this girl like a queen. It made me the happiest guy in the world just to see her smile and although she pretty much never asked for anything, I would do so much for her.-

 

Anyway, I called her up one night and I just kind mentioned how it would be nice if she could do something for me once in a while. Y'know surpirse me, bring me something nice, draw me a picture. I assumed that was part of a healthy relationship, and it seemed to be lacking on her end. She agreed with me. A week later, we started talking about the relationship again, but this time in depth. We never had any big problems, but it was clear that certain things needed to be talked about. We agreed to talk about it the next week, and pretty much put it behind us until then.

 

The following week, I took her to lunch, and out of the blue she wants to have that discussion, but instead of talking about what I thought we would, she starts talking about ending the relationship, and how shes decided and nothing will change her mind(she's very stubborn mind you). Me, in desparation trying to save the relationship, told her that a restaurant was not a place to discuss such things, and we agreed to meet at my house later in the week.

 

So friday evening in late February, she comes over and we have our talk. She is set on breaking-up no matter what, saying that the relationship makes her unhappy. I agree reluctantly, because I want her to be happy more than anything. She still wants to be friends, but I, not wanting to go through that post break-up pain again, tell her I don't want to see her for a while for that very reason. She seems a little shocked and upset at what I have said, but she goes along with it, and tells me that despite everything, I'll still always have a friend. We shed a few tears, embrace one last time, and she leaves.

 

The pain wasn't nearly as bad this time. After a week, I was pretty much over the break up, and had decided that I was done with the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with her for good, however, feeling and desires still being a bit unstable, I decide to wait abit before contacting her again. Two more weeks go by, and I decide to give her a ring. She dosen't answer. I try again the next day. Still no answer. Not wanting to push her in the wrong direction, I conclude that she has probably taken this alittle harder than I thought, so I give her space.

 

I continued to wait a while. She has an online journal and has mentioned that she is interested a guy at school. I felt almost nothing when I read about it; No jealously or anger or pain. Nothing. I really felt that I was over her, but I still very much wanted our friendship back.

 

So I ended up waiting about another seven or eight weeks until around May 21st when I sent her an email. I didn't bring up the relationship or the break up at all; I didn't plead and say "I want to see you again so badly!"; I just said hi, told her how I've been and whats new in my life, and told her to shoot me back an email when she gets time. A week goes by with no reply.

 

I have started commenting on some pictures she puts up on her art website. No response. Yesterday I IMed her on AIM just to say hello and show her some screens of a video game she likes. Once again, no response.

 

Condensed version:

 

- Met a girl in 03; We became great friends

 

- Started going out in DEC 04, relationship lasted a month and a half; She broke up with me, but we were still friends. very painful for me so I stopped talking to her for a few months.

 

- Started talking to her again in May 05; Started hanging out again and started going out a short time after.

 

- Relationship is good, with very few problems. I treat her well; We start talking about things in the relationship, fairly minor things, but she thinks into them too much and decides to break up with me.(This was late FEB 06)

 

- We break up. She still wanted to be friends, but I tell her I can't handle the pain and say its best if I don't see her for a while. She goes along, and tells me "You'll always have a friend no matter what"

 

- Its not too painful this time; A week goes by and I'm mostly fine; Three weeks go by and I want to start hanging out again( I just want to be friends this time, no more desire for a bf/gf relationship). I call her twice over a span of two days. No response. I decide to wait a while.

 

- I wait until May 21st, a good seven to eight weeks since I last tried contacting her. I email her to say hello, being sure not to mention anything about the relationship, just telling her whats up with me and telling her that I'd like to hear from her(nothing very desperate or pleading)No response.

I comment on some drawings of hers that she posts on her site. No acknowledgements. Finally, yesterday, I IMed her just to say hi and show her something cool that she'd be interested in, no accusations or pleading, just a hello. No response.

 

 

 

 

So thats my story. I had a real close friendship with this girl, and would like to get it back, but have little idea of what I should do now. I've considered writting another email to explain my current feelings, but she might just ignore it. I've thought of sending her a written letter, but her overprotective best friend and roommate may just rip it up if she gets it before hand. I've even considered going to her house in person, but y'know, I don't want to smother her and push her away even futher. I'm worried that shes taken the route of anger and apathy towards our relationship and our friendship in order to lessen the pain for her, and the thought of that makes me very sad.

 

I'm at a loss here guys. Is there anything I can do to get this friendship back?

Should I not try any of the things metioned above? Please help me out!

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Since this is her reaction to you, just let her be.

 

I would suggest not going her place to say hi. It would be a little strange and freaky. IF you really want to work at the friendship, wait awhile say another few days to a few weeks before trying to say hi. give her a call instead of of email, text messaging, or IM.

 

If she does not respond then that is your answer, no contact and you have to move on.

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I can't stand this. It seems like such a hopeless losing battle. I feel like there is a giant void in my life that I can't close. I still haven't tried calling her yet, because I'm afraid that she'll ignore me again. Her birthday is in a week, and I've always given her a picture(I'm a bit of an artist). I was thinking of sending her one this time, along with a written letter. I just don't know at all how to get my feelings to her, and, for the first time in a couple months, its starting to get to me, more so than usual at least. I guess I should try waiting a few more months as you say.

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I can't stand this. It seems like such a hopeless losing battle. I feel like there is a giant void in my life that I can't close. I still haven't tried calling her yet, because I'm afraid that she'll ignore me again. Her birthday is in a week, and I've always given her a picture(I'm a bit of an artist). I was thinking of sending her one this time, along with a written letter. I just don't know at all how to get my feelings to her, and, for the first time in a couple months, its starting to get to me, more so than usual at least. I guess I should try waiting a few more months as you say.

 

No matter what you do, right now it will be a losing battle.

 

If you send her a picture with a letter, you would be pushing her and project a different image.

 

If you do not talk to her or contact her, you would be sending a message you do not care.

 

You know her better, however without any contact, you would not know what to do. You two have any mutual friends?

 

If you do contact one of them to see if it is really ignoring you as in you need to back off and go away.

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