(Ex) best friend, should I dump her?

[Buttaflyy]

I've been going at it with myself for a couple weeks now wondering if I should permanently discontinue this friendship, here's the reason...

I was friends with this girl since I can remember having friends. We've been roomates after high school, our children were inseparable. But we've always seemed to have disagreements that would cause us to silently depart from one another and somehow we would always get back into contact. There are plenty of things about this girl that are soooooo different from me and me. For one, she is bisexual, but that's not what bothered me about her. She is very much into the 'lifestyle' and is very 'in your face' about it, but since she never disrespected me I didn't mind. I have always been a shoulder for this girl whenever she needed someone to lean on. She was suffering from emotional problems and I'd be right there with her helping her through them. Sometimes, we'd even have to take trips to the emergency room.

 

Anyways, I introduced her to a guy that I knew and they were a break up to make up couple. I would here complaints about them from both sides. To make a long story short, one day after she broke up with him for the last time. She told me that if I chose to continue speaking with him then I basically could forget about her (I wont state what she actually said but the F word was involved). We went back and forth with the arguement because I wanted her to realize exactly what she was saying. She also said things about my boyfriend and our relationship that she thought would hurt me. It didn't we are still together, happily.

 

A couple months later she calls me up and tells me that she "misses me". She said that the reason she did what she did was because she was jealous of my new relationship and that I didnt have time to go out with her to the clubs anymore.

At the time I was not ready to forgive her for disrespecting me over nothing in the first place so I refused her "apology". We have mutual girlfriends and they keep in contact with me. I find it pretty awkard to be around them, even though it's very seldom. She hangs out with them every weekend practically, but now that I am in an established relationship I no longer wish to do those things.

 

Some people say that she is crazy anyway, and has always been jealous of me and probably wanted me for herself. They say she isn't trust worthy. No matter what she seems to always pop back into my life someway or another through our mutual friends. Should I leave the whole thing alone? Should I forgive her? Help me please, it's eating me!

[Buttaflyy]

I know it's a long post but somebody tell me something!

[jerbear]

Sounds like a friendship hitting some rough edges. You sound like a good friend to her and she misses that.

 

My advice, you two need to calm down especially her. Then get back together a chat after a negotiated cool down time. 1 week, 1 month or whatever.

[Buttaflyy]

Thanks for your response. It has been months since I've talked to her at all. I'm worried that I wont be able to trust her again, and that even if we do reconcile, it won't be the same as it was. She has tried to manipulate my relationship with my boyfriend and we live together. She's never been to our new place and she will want to come by. I think I'd need to keep the two apart. He personally doesnt like her anymore.

[jerbear]

The relationship will never be the same.

 

Perhaps in time, you two can reconcile or she has to respect that you have a bf and all she can be is a friend. If she can't deal with the new dynamics, you might have to let her go to acquantice then move her up later on.

[Buttaflyy]

Thank you Jerbear for your insight. I just spoke to a mutual friend about it and she told me that she knew nothing of the fight between us. She said that she too has had a strained relationship with this girl (for many years that I knew about) and that it would probably be best to let it go. She said that she, herself has been avoiding her, because she feels that she has grown apart from that friendship. She feels the same way that I do in the sense that the only person to benefit in the end would be the other person (the ex-best friend), so she decided to let it go because our lifestyles are to different.

[penkitten]

im going thru the same thing with a friend but lots of drama. ive known for years she has a tendancy to butt in and wreck things but i denied it all. i have finally had enough of it and i just cant stand the trouble making anymore.

 

i dont know how to deal with it, when she pops her head back in to say hi . i havent gained anything from our friendship , even a shoulder , in what seems an eternity. if i mention it, im told im selfish and im the horrible friend.

 

i have tried to take the high road , but shes on my lawn crying. i dont answer the phone anymore. and now after this weekend, i dont want to go to the door when it rings either.

 

without getting into the details exactly, i cant stand another lie to my face, and betrayment later.

 

i just want out.

[Buttaflyy]

Sounds like the same situation that I was facing Penkitten. What I did when I knew I wanted to end the friendship was wait for one more thing to happen and never turn back. I knew that she would wind up disrespecting me or dishonoring the friendship in some way because that's just how she was. So that incident that I described in the initial post was the reason I needed to say good riddens forever. She's been trying to reconcile and I found myself wondering if I was being the bitch by ignoring her, but then I had to remember that there was a reason for all of it in the first place.

[Spiderman]

Good afternoon 'Madam Buttaflyy', we meet again..

 

Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me!

 

Good friends are hard to find nowadays, I can count mine on one hand, the rest I class as merely acquaintances, nothing more.

 

There should be respect, trust, loyalty, [sIZE=2]compromise and sacrifice, your so called friend doesn't sound like she has any of these to offer.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]

We all change, we all move on, I've learnt that sometimes in life it's better to just leave certain so-called friends by the way-side and move forward. Especially if said friend is affecting your life, I mean, trying to cause trouble with you and your BF is just unacceptable.

[/sIZE]

With friends like the one in question, who needs enemies hey?!

 

Hope it all pans out for you

[Ms.N]

I have had a similar problem. Except both of us, expressed feelings for each other, it was not ever hidden. In fact, got along better than any other person she or I ever met. We could talk about anything, disagree and still discuss it without taking anything personally. A friendship and a mutual connection that we both admitted was more than friendship but wanted it left that way for now. Both of us were recently broken up and thought it a bad idea to be each other's rebound. Anyway, all was great. When I say we talked about everything, I mean everything, without judgement, or agenda. It was a friendship you hear about and never really had but here we were!!! Hooray!

 

A week ago she was very low, we chatted and sorted it out. Unexpectedly, I had a rough weekend a week later and could not reach her, I trusted no one else to talk about this with and knew I was clearly too hyper about not being able to chat. I even admitted this via email.

It was hard, 3 days without my confidante, as lame as that sounds. I admitted to this when I spoke to her, that I am clearly more attached than I think is healthy and its my problem. But I felt like she did that last weekend and while it was only mentioned to explain how low I was at the time, she took it as an onslaught. That I was being a bully, that I never meant anything I said to her that was positive, I was manipulative, a betrayer and that she etc, etc, etc. Nothing I confided in her was left out, all of her ammo came out. Which is shocking since we discussed differences all the time as part of our appreciation for each other.

So I asked her if we could talk when she was not angry because obviously I have said all the wrong things and disrespect was not my intention at all, and I apologized. Said again, I know I was too hyper over the weekend and I never denied my hangups or tried to hide them. And it is my problem which I will deal with. She told me I was dramatic, playing victim now and betrayed her. I am not angry, I have not hurled back anything at her, that is not my style. Even not doing that, was a crime for her. Which is when the playing victim comment appeared. She was right and everything I said was criminally linked to back stabbing as far as she was concerned. Since I know people think so differently when angry I always choose to keep the door open. Even though it will never be as close. And I know time and space has to pass. Does anyone know where this anger came from? Or any suggestions if its happened to you? Thank you.