Very weird best friend & Fiancee situation

[lonelydan]

I'm Dan and I'm a 24 year old bloke who lives in the UK.

Hi, this year has turned out to be the worst ever for me. I have had a male friend since 1999 who has always been the best ever. We worked together, laughed together and shared everything with each other. In 2002 he 'set me up' with a (then 19 yo) girl who he thought I would like. Well I did like her and she liked me and we fell in love for 3 and a half happy years. He became my best friend and I felt I had all the friends I needed during all this time. I became engaged to the girl & everything was going great. He moved to France in (I think 2003 sometime) and so we kept in touch via the phone and text messages. It was normally a case of me phoning him though and I did every week or couple of weeks. We were very close and about every six months or so he came back here (the UK), we would have dinner together and help each other out. The last couple of times he came over here, my girlfriend also came with me to meet him, she also 'made friends' with him. The last time he came over, he found out his girlfriend was having an affair with some other bloke and that this had been happening for some time. On the day he found out about this, he came round here crying to me and I took him out for some food and was very understanding and helped him any way I could. To cut a long story shorter, less than a month after he found out about the affair his girlfriend was having, he took my girlfriend to Plymouth, a city near to us. The next day he went back to France. 2 days later, my fiancee, out of the blue, told me 'she loved me but didn't know if she was in love with me'. I didn't know what to make of this but I was very very upset & so I phoned 'Best Friend' and cried on his shoulder so to speak. She said she wanted to try and make the relationship work and I agreed. 2 weeks later things weren't really any better and she seemed to be acting strangely and texting him a lot. It was clear she was trying to hide these texts from me. She also talked to him on MSN Messenger a lot and kept on hiding their conversations from me too. She'd say 'silly me, I keep closing the box down, don't know why I've started doing that!' I was of course very suspicious and so I 'sniffed' their conversations seeing as how computers are my work. What I found from reading them was the most distressing thing ever: lots of 'I love yous' and dirty talk. All this time he was still 'consoling' me. I let the 'sniffer' continue for 2 weeks until she moved out, then read all the messages. It was clear they were having a full blown 'online affair', I also found out they had kissed each other the day they went to Plymouth. And had had 'phone sex'. He was saying about hiding the bill etc, lots more conspiracy stuff to hide it from me. I had even phoned him before in tears, asking him whether there was anything going on between him and my GF. He said of course there was nothing and 'it's ok to think all sorts during these depressing times'. I also asked her and she swore on her mother's life that there wasn't anything going on with him. I felt guilty and she showed 'genuine' hurt that I would even think she'd cheat on me. Of course the messages told a different story. She moved out in mid October and I waited until the day after she'd gone to confront her. Still neither of them would tell the truth until I said I had read everything they had said to each other. She was truly pathetic and just kept saying 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' all the time. He has also apologised 'sincerely' but in 3 days she was in France with him for 10 days and they slept together and had sex, and have since become a 'couple'. This Christmas she has spent the holidays with him too. The reason I'm posting this really is to ask whether this is common, and to ask what the hell they are both playing at? He says he wants to keep me as a friend, but I think NOT! The problem for me is the fact he is in France, so I cannot see him face to face (& punch him and kick him). This bloke is 42 and my ex-GF is 23. It's her birthday tomorrow actually. I honestly feel worse about losing him as a friend than her, as she was rather a 'burden'. I still loved her though despite her problems (depression-type stuff and panic attacks). I was prepared to accept her for how she was. I know I need to cease all contact with both of them, but the hard thing is they were really the only close people in my life apart from my Mum. Also I have attempted to justify his actions to myself because he seems to be having some sort of midlife crisis / second childhood / rebound thing. I hope all of this has made sense and thanks for reading my ramble. What do you all think? I have never been so hurt and upset in all my life and 3 months later I still feel almost as bad and cry very often. Why do people do this sort of thing? I haven't done a thing to hurt either of them as far as I know.

[whichwayisup]

That really sucks and I'm sorry they did that to you. The loss of your bestfriend ofcourse will hurt more as he is your bestfriend (and considering what pain he suffered through with his cheating girlfriend, it's pretty s***ty that he did the same thing to you!!) and the ex, well, it's HER LOSS. She had a guy who was understanding of her depression and anxiety, a guy who loved her and treated her great. Now, all that is gone. She brought it on herself with the help of the BF.

 

Don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong! They are the ones who messed up.

 

I hope you feel better.

[Greg25]

Hi Dan.

 

What you have described sounds like someone's worst nightmare come true. I have felt betrayal both from friends and also lovers, but not at the same time. The pain of one betrayal of your confidence and trust is terrible enough, but for it to come from two of the people who were the closest to you in your life, your fiance and your former best friend, is a terrible and shattering blow.

 

I will say it is a good thing your friend and your partner are no longer close to you physically. While you no doubt have love to some degree for both, you also have an immense amount of hate and anger towards both because of how they betrayed your confidence and trust in both. The distance will give you time to cool off and move on.

 

If this happened to me, my response would be to cut both out of my life forever, with no further contact. I can't think of any worse betrayal from a friend than having an affair with my future wife. It is a disgraceful act of selfishness and moral weakness and a total failure of his duties as a friend. Similarly, tragic as it is, you are better off giving your love to a woman who will be faithful to you. I would not forgive a partner who had an affair with a close friend while engaged to me.

 

Unfortunately in my own experience, these things leave very lasting issues, especially when it comes to trusting both friends and potential partners. It is going to take you a long time to heal from the scars left by this experience, and you are going to need plenty of support.

[JayKay]

This is a double betrayal...your best friend AND your girlfriend?

 

That's just horrid.

 

I agree you should cut them out of your life, refuse to have any contact with either of them and let them deal with their own consciences, if they in fact have any.

 

Your friend will regret the loss of your friendship; romance comes and goes, but true friendship is hard to find and maintain. Who knows, this girl may cheat on him too and then he will know the pain of betrayal.

 

It's so hard to trust again after something like this. A friend of mine had this happen to her and she took up running, which she found very therapeutic.

[Citizen Erased]

When becoming friends with someone, it is easier to trust them than a physical relationship, which is strange because friendships are usually longer lasting and have a better effect on your life. When you placed your trust in these two people you were giving them something special which some people are incapable of even giving their family. They have chosen to disrespect you and for that they are immoral and quite plainly stupid because no relationship can last if it is based on that foundation. Although you have heard this probably numerous times they are in fact not worth it.

 

From what I can gather from your writing, in which you have poured your heart out, any girl would be lucky to have you as their partner and anyone would be blessed to have you as a friend. Loyalty is the key to happiness with someone, and if these people are incapable to provide you with this than you are quite frankly better off without them. Don't let this get in the way of future relationships because you have so much to give and these two selfish quite repulsive people should not get in the way of your future. Good luck to you in the future because you will have a better one I am sure of it if you learn from this and move on.

[lonelydan]

Hi, thanks for your responses to my 'little problem'. It will make it very hard for me to trust anyone in future, and I agree that neither of them deserve my friendship in future. My ex can take a running jump as far as I'm concerned, she is completely self-obsessed, ungrateful and pathetic. It is my ex-bestfriend that I have the problem with as to what to do. I really think he's reached that time in life where he doesn't know what the hell he's doing anymore, these actions are totally out of character for him. Maybe he will be forgiven sometime MUCH later but I somehow doubt I can ever forgive or trust him again. I'm just going to have No Contact with him until I can see him physically (he also owes me money!). We were planning to have a business together in France and until recently I was convinced that was my future. So have that to deal with as well as everything else. I'm think in the end they will end up more hurt than me because I don't think their chances of lasting very long are good:

 

They hardly know each other,

She 24, He 42

Him in France, her in UK except during holidays

I think her uselessness & selfishness will get to him

Neither has any real income at the moment

 

What do you all think? Your advice is much appreciated it really is.

 

Cheers

 

Dan

[Moai]

What a bummer, man. I think that your initial attitude toward the whole thing is to cut both of them off completely is absolutely the right thing.

 

No matter what his issues, that is no excuse to have betrayed you like he did. Be glad you found out about all this now, instead of years from now. And, since your girlfriend was a "burden"--I've had my share of those, too--you are better off finding someone who deserves you. In friends and in a girlfriend.

 

It is hard now, sure, but it'll get easier and when your new social life hits full stride you'll wonder why you hung out with those people in the first place. I wish you luck, and I am sure that the New year will get you all that you deserve. It happens that way.

[guest]

hi dan.its me katie from meetic ur filipina new friend..off course i hate reading this hurtful story....am so sorry dan....also i believe saying goes that best friend is ur best enemy...and it did happen most of us...anyway,i know you hurt cos he is ur bestfrend and its very hard for you to accept what happens on that time..and am relly mad of ur gf because she is cheating on you,behind ur back also he is ur bestfriend...so it really felt like u lost the work and u dont wanna know the world..i know how you felt and i feel for you while reading ur story..

 

all i can say is there is happiness for you n the end waiting...who knows maybe better than first one..and for whats happened in ur past they will pay the consequences in the end..and thats the fact dan..never give-up hoping and have faith in god....he knows ur sadness for the woman u loved and somones bf take it which is sounds really bad and hurtful...i pray for you now for the loneliness and sadness what u lost and wishing you n the near future that u meet a real,honest,caring ,loving nice woman who can makes u happy ,a real genuines lovable woman who deserves your life...i feel sad while reading ur story ,cos im human beinh we feel this way emitonally and its norma if someone hurt...we care each other...

 

 

katie