"I'm a terrible person"

[WorldFallsUp]

ok so Im 20 and Im a 3rd year in college. I have been living with the same roommate since freshman year and it hasnt always been daisies and roses but we worked well together. Freshman year she was kind of having a turbulant time, sophomore year was my turn and then at the beginning of this year I thought things were getting better for the both of us. but no...

 

so we have major guy problems, I hadnt dated or hooked up with anyone for a LONG while. and this year when we got back from summer I hooked up with a friend of hers who she completely encouraged almost pushed me to go for, thing is I knew they had a history so i asked her not to hook up with him while he was in town because it just grossed me out. Yeah, so she didnt take my request to heart and did so anyways. I let it go, laughed it off and went on with my life since nothing was going to come of it or so I thought, I guess I am still slightly bitter about it.

 

ok then at some point she met this guy and it seemed like they were hitting it off. then on halloweeen we went to a party and I was rediculously drunk (I'm going to say right now that this is not my excuse, its more my problem... because its been invovled in every decision ive made in this little story of mine). Anyways that night i was drunk and the guy she was seeing and I kissed. I dont even remember it, I blacked out that night. But it happened. We all left the party and got home and i guess let it go since we seemed to agree it was a drunken moment. Thing is that next morning she went to work and i woke up with him wandering around my bed as if hed been waiting for me to wake up. he apoligized for what hed done, because he was apperantly the one to initiate the kiss. but next thing i know we're kissing again eventually leading up to us having sex.

 

I think i tried to convince myself that it wouldnt happen again so I didnt tell her about it, that and i was too ashamed. Thing is I did like the guy. he and I just click, we have a similar history, weve been through the same kind of things and I guess he just gets me, which i hadnt found in a while.... but my friend was into him, so i continued to encourage her to go for him cause it was making her happy. I slept alone for weeks while i saw them cuddle in her bed and dammit it hurt but i sucked it up. The guy and I continued talking and then later we had sex again, and he informed me that he didnt think my roommate and him were right together, it wasnt about me, and i gave him no opinion to sway him either way. but i had seen it coming, my roommate is very much the outgoing type, parties every weekend, likes going to clubs ect ect... and he is much more the introvert, more laid back and he likes to have a good time but much more chill, very much like me.

 

anyways about 2 weeks ago we had a party at our place, it ended up being kinda intimate and we ended up playing a game of truth or dare (childish i know, but in our drunken stupor it sounded like fun)... I got a truth and one of my roommates friends who id become friends with asked me if i had ever hooked up with a friend boyfriend. This was refering to this kiss on halloween as a couple of our friends had seen it or later knew about it. I thought that was really uncalled for given that everyone knew about it already. but it was my mistake so i guess i deserved the unwanted attention. Anyways that night progressed and ended up in more drama. the next day they were broken up and she had found out about us having sex via a secret online journal i had and she somehow found.

 

needless to say things have been awkward living together. She now claims she wants us to be happy if we really like each other, which i dont buy. and weve gone out for lunch and dinner together a couple times but its awkward. besides one conversation, its all small talk. that one talk was her saying that she hadnt been ignoring me, that shes just been really busy. which i also dont buy, she has every right to hate me.

 

Anyways i wrote this here, as opposed to the "the other woman" board because now im alone. Most of my friends were mutual, so of course they side with her, the rest of my apt sides with her. I have 2 friends in this city who are mine and have no connection with her and then I have the guy. since they broke up we continued talking. Thing is, I dont know what to do. I feel like im losing the friend regardless. If I lose both, ill be losing the 2 closest people I have in this city right now and that thought is terrifying. its terrible but I cant lose both.

 

and then i get angry at peoples hypocrisy. because my roommate did the same to her friend last year, and her friend who singled me out during the game of truth or dare is in a relationship with a married man. I am not a whore... and I feel as if thats what everyone here is seeing me as. I wish they knew my roommate sold herself for money, and that she has been filmed having sex, or that shes had massive orgies with guys in her hometown or that she did the same exact thing as I did except she did it just for sex... i actually really feel a connection with the guy. i didnt judge her at all during any of her choices. but i feel like im being cast away with a huge A on my chest... ugh, I dont know what im doing, but i guess i just needed to vent and get peoples input as far as what i should be doing

[WorldFallsUp]

wow... seems like I got carried away with my story, sorry for the lengthiness of it

[newbby]

your friend is already hurt. if you say you will not go out with him if she doesnt want you to, then you are making her feel she has to say you two should be together because otherwise she looks like a sore loser. just be honest with her, say you are really sorry but that you are going to continue seeing this guy because if you dont its not going to make her feel any better about things. people will forget about it soon enough. ok its not very nice, but it is done now. oh yeah and drink less!

[CaterpillarGirl]

Sounds like a really awful situation all around. I'm sure you feel really lonely, but I think the best thing you can do is just give her space. She's hurt and that's going to take some time to get past. I think you're smart enough to realize it's a consequence of your actions. This is not me judging you, I'm just saying that she probably feels betrayed. In the meantime, take some time to think about how you got to where you are, how you can improve, what you did right, what kind of person you want to be in the future. Also, concentrate on school - that's always important. Don't waste your time trying to figure out her problems or what she did that was wrong. There is nothing you can do about those things. Work on you. Are you close with your family? Maybe call them up and spend some time on those relationships. As for the guy, if he's worth pursuing, go ahead - maybe try and keep it discreet for a little while, though.