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Question for the guys


Yamaha

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Guys,

Have you ever ended a friendship with a women because you wanted more out of your relationship?

 

If you have, did you feel guilty?

 

Would you do it again?

 

 

I have ended friendships with women when the relationships weren't going as I desired and I did not feel guilty and I would do it again.

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slubberdegullion
Have you ever ended a friendship with a women because you wanted more out of your relationship?
Yep, a week ago.

If you have, did you feel guilty?
Not even a bit.

Would you do it again?
Yep, in a heartbeat.
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Good question!

 

I wanted more than friendship with a woman that was hanging-out with me.. I did get some vibes and that's why I asked her out but she told the logic of "friends can't become lovers" and refused to go out with me. But she insisted that we continue as friends. I said I need some time-off and backed out. Unbelievable as it may seem she is literally chasing me from the day I started to avoid her. At one point I felt guilty but I am way too surprised about this woman chasing me to spend time with me even after all this drama.. Do women chase a guy in the name of friendship? another interesting thing is i don't think i was her friend to start with.. i have never been a shoulder to cry on, i have never spent money for her.. she never talked about her boyfriend (she broke up with him and then i asked her out) nor the problems that she had with him... so i was not actually a friend. i am really curious as hell to find out what's the motive but i don't think i will know it...

 

well anyway... i am now her friend just for namesake.. i have distanced myself very much from her.. we used to spend around 4 hours a day, 5 days a week.. now its just around 10 minutes a day for coffee...

 

i think instead of completely cutting off its better to continue atleast at the "hi" "bye" level...

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slubberdegullion
do guys even want female friends unless they want more than that?

Absolutely. Aside from my FWBs, I've got a nice array of female friends who I have absolutely no sexual interest at all. They're smart, funny, some are married or otherwise commited, and I learn from them and they from me.

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then why does everyone say they always want more?

did one sucker make it clear thats all he wanted and then everyone heard about it or what??

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Penkitten Do guys even want female friends unless they want more than that?

 

Guys like female friends as long as they are not interested in them. Women also like male friends but females generally do not go looking for a male friend.

It's the guy who goes looking for the female and he gets stuck in the friend zone if she has no interest.

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Well of course. But what goes in the category of "what I wanted" is usually the same thing: mutual interest in the friendship. If you are talking about specifically being interested in the woman romantically and keeping it under wraps to see if it will develop, then I would say no. If a self-sustaining friendship develops during that and no romance ever gets started, I just stay with the friendship. I mean, "friend zone"??? Like it's second-best to be friends. :p I find that I lose romanitic interest in the girl anyway as it is demonstrated to me that she is not interested, and so things can just be left unsaid.

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  • 2 weeks later...
do guys even want female friends unless they want more than that?

 

For me, it's not that I don't want female friends. It's that I don't meet many women who are 'friendship compatible' with me. By this I mean 1) I don't find her attractive, 2) we share interests and 3) she doesn't expect me to act like her girlfriends.

 

If I find her even somewhat attractive, I'll start thinking of her sexually at some point, making friendship difficult. And if she's not comfortable with a more "male" interaction (i.e. less emotionally sensitive), she's probably going to be unhappy with me as a friend anyway.

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I can’t believe you started this thread, I was just getting ready to.

 

I have a guy friend – we hit it off immediately. I am married and he is/was going through a broken engagement. There were some sparks but we both pulled back and are just friends.

 

I have his email addresses, his phone number and have been to his house. He is much younger.

 

I’ve noticed lately that he doesn’t stop by. He emails me – most of the time it is in response to my emails, although when he came back from vacation he emailed me at 7:30 in the morning.

 

He has had to take on his and his boss’s job while his boss is out on sick leave.

 

I asked him more than once about not hearing from him as often – he said he’ll write and call, he just doesn’t know when.

 

Please understand, if he doesn’t care to be friends now, I’d be ok with it, but don’t know if he is giving me signals and I’m just not picking up on them or what. It just makes me feel kind of stupid.

 

He always writes how busy he is. He asks how I am, and he’ll write that he will talk to me soon.

 

Does writing that he is very busy a way of telling me to leave him alone, or is it just that he is very busy?

 

Slub, thank you for writing what you did. I have other male friends and we have a lot of fun together. And yes, I learn from them and they learn from me.

 

I asked a friend of mine what she thought. She said, he still likes me as more than a friend, and that is why he is pulling away.

 

I just don’t like feeling like Shyt.

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I asked a friend of mine what she thought. She said, he still likes me as more than a friend, and that is why he is pulling away.

 

This would be my guess. When a change occurs in a person there is a reason for the change. The fact that he has backed away from your friendship suggests he started to feel something more than friends and, realizing you are married, decided to distance himself. Many times people are reluctant to tell you why the change and it is frustrating. He is probably trying to save himself hurt down the road. He could be busy but I doubt it.

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So what do I do? I like him but don't like feeling like I'm running into a brick wall.

 

I don't feel like getting hurt either.

 

Thanks for responding - this is why I like guy friends - I learn!

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So what do I do? I like him but don't like feeling like I'm running into a brick wall.

 

I don't feel like getting hurt either.

 

Thanks for responding - this is why I like guy friends - I learn!

 

I don't think there is much you can do other than give him the space he needs to let his feelings subside. If you like him then understand what it might be like for him. He likes you also but there is no possibility for more because you are married. Once there are feelings involved there is no going back to the way things were except maybe years down the road. I would just play it by ear. If you see him speak but leave the rest to him. It sucks for you because you are losing a friend but your relationship will have to take on a different form now. You will have to be acquaintances. Do not give him false hope in that you might feel more for him.

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Thank you. That is what I was heading toward, but it's been hard because I do like him.

 

I told him in my email that I was getting very busy too, which is true, made a joke, and wrote, "keep in touch". I kept it very light, but nice. In the past I've always written, "see you soon", that type of stuff.

 

I really appreciate the advice. It's just kind of sad.

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I ended up watching "When Harry Met Sally" last night on one of the cable stations. Even though it was a great movie with excellent dialogue and painfully funny moments, there were times when I wanted to kick Harry in the nuts (provided he still had them).

 

I don't have the patience to endure friendships with females, unless I'm attracted to them. Even then, time is ticking. If nothing happens, I'm out.

 

I'll never become a Harry, that's for sure. Even though he succeeded in the end, he'd have never befriended Sally if he didn't find her attractive in the first place. The fact that Meg Ryan played Sally says enough.

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I really appreciate the advice. It's just kind of sad.

 

Your welcome. It is sad to lose a good friendship. He probably also feels sadness because he might really want to talk with you but can't allow himself to go there. You will have to stick with guys who don't see you in a sexual way ( and you don't see them that way also ). Once sex enters the arena all bets are off.

 

Good Luck:)

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You will have to stick with guys who don't see you in a sexual way...

 

Her only hope is to befriend a gay guy.

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I've tried to be 'friends' with girls I was interested in, and all it did was lead to emotional heart wrenching. It's all good talking/hanging out - till she mentions her bf or some guy she is interested in. Then the heart wrenching begins.

 

I'm at the point where if I realize a girl I'm attracted to/interested in is either a) not interested or b) has a bf, I just distance myself. I'm not rude, but I won't go out of my way to say hi and I certainly won't try to develop a friendship. It's just pointless IMO.

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sylviaguardian

Wow, this thread answers so many questions that I had about men! It has happened to me quite a few times that I had what I thought was a good male friend then they started to get a bit pushy. When I made it clear that I was not interested in pursuing that kind of relationship they disappeared like smoke!

 

This has happened recently. I have lost what I thought was a really good friend. At the time I was p*ssed, now I realise that men just don't 'do friends' with women!

 

From now on, I will stick to females and gay guys. It's so much simpler. Pah!

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i have had male friends who i developed feelings for, but they said to me that they just couldnt see me like that because i was "one of the lads". i used to laugh and joke alot with them, but i didnt think that made me non gf material. the same guys ended up dating much quieter, more serious girls, but they used to sit with their girlfriends on one side of them but talking to me. i always found it rather strange because lots of guys are attracted to me.

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now I realise that men just don't 'do friends' with women!

 

From now on, I will stick to females and gay guys. It's so much simpler. Pah!

 

I wouldn't make such a blanket generalization. Sure men can have female friends. It's just that sex (i.e. the possibility of it) complicates things, so it can be a challenge.

 

In response to this, some guys 'don't do' friends with women. But others do. I, for example, have women friends, but not many.

 

As a woman, the challenge you face is distinguishing the friends from the hopefuls. And I don't know how you do that. Maybe someone else can make suggestions.

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This would be my guess. When a change occurs in a person there is a reason for the change. The fact that he has backed away from your friendship suggests he started to feel something more than friends and, realizing you are married, decided to distance himself. Many times people are reluctant to tell you why the change and it is frustrating. He is probably trying to save himself hurt down the road. He could be busy but I doubt it.

 

thanks Yamaha, what a great post. Answered some similar questions for me that reader had. Just been through a very similar situation with hers recently and still had some questions in my mind, mixed signals that I couldn't justify behaviour. I think you just clarified it for me.

 

thanks again:)

 

great thread BTW

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But don't all men become hopefuls at some point?

 

They can if there is attraction. Most men will not spend loads of time with a women unless there is an attraction. If you see changes in behavior in your guy friend he probably sees you as more than a friend.

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But don't all men become hopefuls at some point?

 

No. Again that's a generalization you shouldn't make.

 

As I've already said, I don't have many female friends. But those I do have are definitely not women I'm hoping to be more than friends with. In fact, that's one of the criteria for me having them as friends. If I'm attracted to a woman, I don't even try going down the friendship path. It's inevitably a bad idea.

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