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What shall I do with this friend? :o


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I need some opinions... I have this friend that I have known since grade school. We went to highschool together for a couple of years till she moved to another school which was better suited for students who had some physical handicaps. We had never been best friends, but we knew each other from school and got along well. I think since spring or beginning of this year she moved back to her parents for financial reasons and we started to hang out more.

 

I think she is a nice person and I admire her resilience and hardiness which made her overcome so many obstacles. She went to med school and got her doctor and probably has accomplished more than a lot of other people with less problems that I know.

 

Now the problem for me is somehow, I don't really want to spend so much time with her. We started hanging out sometimes during summer and it was fun, but gradually I felt bothered by her somehow. We knew each other since grade school and there is of course a certain affection for each other, also a certain warmth, but I wouldn't say that I have the same kind of close relationship with her as I have with other people. I'm not sure why it is like this, I just know, I am polite when I'm interacting with her. I'm not saying I'm impolite and treat my other friends badly, but I just feel, there is a certain distance between us, maybe because I think her handicaps make her more fragile and vulnerable and I feel obliged to treat her a with a little bit more care. I guess, there's also some sort of pity involved as she very likely will have greater problems finding a partner than someone without her health problems will have. I like her, she is a really nice person, but I really do not want to spend time with her and I think I've been starting to do it more out of pity and with more resentment than I consider healthy for a friendship.

 

I don't really find myself enjoying the time I spend with her and I'm doing it, because I sort of feel forced to. I feel pushed by her attempts to initiate something. I find myself having trouble saying no, because I'm still trying to maintain this politeness between us. If this was one of my other friends, I'd probably would have just said, "Nah, I don't feel like." and that's it. With her I feel forced to offer an explanation why I can't do this or that. I've come to realized that I now try to suggest something like the movies so I won't have to talk with her. I think I'm somewhat bored with her.

 

A couple of weekends ago she asked me to visit her and well, I felt forced to do it. She asked and I had trouble saying why I could not visit her except that I didn't feel like. So I went... We agreed on watching a film, she puts the DVD in, the film starts and she decides to show me pictures of the last party with her co-workers. So, I started to get into a grumpy mood, I think it's just rude to start showing me pictures when the film has started. She didn't even say, "Let me show you the pictures quickly till the leader is over", no, she just decided she wanted to show me the pictures now. We watch the film, it's in a different language, because she didn't know how to change it. I didn't mind as much and so we continued watching it. After a while she says she has some problems following the film, so I said, "Ok, let's change then.". I take the remote control and look at the buttons (as I said, a couple of moments ago, she had told me she had no clue how to change the language), I had barely read through the labels when she simply grabs the remote control out of my hand without any further comments and starts trying to change the language, unsuccessfully of course. I stay polite and nice even though now I'm freaking irritated. She then says she has heard that sometimes you have to turn the DVD (?!), so she turns it. Of course it doesn't work. I tell her to turn the DVD back and change the language with the menu. Her comment: "Loony, you're a genius." I know I'm not a genius, but I wonder if she has no clue, why insist on taking the lead...

 

I know, I get irritated over small things, but I also know that with other friends it would be different. I wouldn't have agreed to meet them in the first place. If something like with the pictures or with the receiver had happened, I would have protested, had argued maybe a bit with them and that's it. But frankly, I have seldom seen them act like this either. As we're not best buddies and long-time pals, but people who are still at this stage where they treat each other with a lot more politeness, I consider her behavior to be even more irritating. I feel patronised and I hate this. I distance myself from people who annoy me till there's a comfortable distance that allows for occasional friendly interaction, but through her constant attempts (like every two or three weeks) to contact me I feel smothered and pushed.

 

I think I've been feeling depressed for a long time and maybe I should be glad that there is someone who is initiating things, I feel pity for her, I also know she's a nice person, but despite all this I would just like her to leave me alone right now. I feel ungrateful for not appreciating it that someone is trying to befriend me. I also feel I should be more tolerant with other people. Nonetheless, I don't really want to spend time with her. I'm doing things with her that very likely I might have enjoyed more if I had been on my own or with someone else.

 

Her mom had been sick a while ago and had to undergo some surgery (she's ok now) and I guess, as her friend I should have been more supportive, but I have been more busy with my own problems and I simply didn't really remember to really care for her as much as I should have. Obviously she thinks we're great friends, but I honestly don't really consider myself such a good friend. :(

 

She has now asked me to make cookies with her for Christmas. I don't really want to spend time with her and I'm afraid the only way to avoid this will be to tell her a couple of excuses each time she asks me, but I don't really want this either. I also don't really want to tell her bluntly that I prefer less contact.

 

Could someone offer me a different perspective so that I will approach the situation with more patience and less guilt? I don't really feel well in the situation. I don't want to hurt her feelings, I don't want to be ungrateful and I don't want to end up being so irritated all the time.

 

Thanks if you made it to the end of this long post. :o

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IMO, I think a lot of your feelings about her has to do with your current state of mind. i.e. if you were happier you would be more patient with her. That's just my opinion. Maybe she was just meant to be an acquaintance for you so if you're not happy with spending that much time with her then don't. I don't think it's necessary to bluntly tell her that you don't want to spend as much time with her. I think it would be appropriate for you to tell her that you don't want to bake cookies, it's just something that you're not interested in. You do not owe her anything and you should be free to spend your recreational time with whoever you will have the best time with. That being said, you still need to be there to support your friends when they need it the most, even if it's not always fun.

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ReluctantRomeo

Hey Loony,

 

you're in a writing mood today - that was almost a novel :p

 

I agree with JS that your mood must have something to do with it.

 

But also, you know, this girl probably would appreciate being treated as a real friend, not as a charity case. And real friendship is a 2 way street. So if you don't feel in the mood for something, tell her. If you feel a bit down and need support, tell her this too. Most of all, tell her clearly when she irritates you.

 

You'll feel a lot better. And you'll be treating her like a friend, not a project.

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I absolutely agree that you need to support your friends, even when it's not fun. In this case though I feel as if I've been given the status of a good friend without really having a choice. I feel she should realize that I'm not in the mood for so much contact and give it a break once in a while. I honestly think I've been a tad too nice and like some other people she has mistaken it...

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I agree with JS that your mood must have something to do with it.

I'm not sure if this is really a problem with my mood. I feel somehow that this is the same situation that I have been before with some guys. I'm a tad too nice and they misinterpret it.

 

So if you don't feel in the mood for something, tell her.

Then I will get told that I need to get out more. She will worry that I'm becoming too depressed.

 

If you feel a bit down and need support, tell her this too.

I don't want her support. :confused::( I don't feel she's supporting me in the way that I need and I also just end up feeling irritated. I rather think she is clinging to me for support. I once remarked that I do not really want to go the States and rather look for something closer to home and she said she was glad that I wouldn't move away so far. Most of my friends would make some similar remark I guess, but the way she said it made me feel very uncomfortable.

 

Most of all, tell her clearly when she irritates you.

I guess, I have problems with this. I haven't figured out what it is, but I feel irritated in a not healthy way and I do not even understand myself. I'm often taken by surprise by my irritation and it's completely different to what I feel when other friends annoy me.

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I'm going to throw out two things....either, both, or neither may be right but something to think about.

 

You said you feel resentful and irritated. It seems like it's because you're doing/giving her what she wants and not what you want. Sometimes you need to put yourself first or you will end up feeling angry and resentful.

 

The other thing....are you maybe looking for permission here to not be her friend anymore? Do you feel guilty for taking away a friendship from someone, especially someone who you pity?

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You said you feel resentful and irritated. It seems like it's because you're doing/giving her what she wants and not what you want. Sometimes you need to put yourself first or you will end up feeling angry and resentful.

I guess, I feel she's contacting me too much. I'd like to back off, but she always contacts me. I'm giving usually somewhat evasive reasons, but either she doesn't get them or she doesn't want to.

 

The other thing....are you maybe looking for permission here to not be her friend anymore? Do you feel guilty for taking away a friendship from someone, especially someone who you pity?

I'm not sure what I have been expecting. I wonder if I'm not too strict. I wonder if I'm not too ungrateful for dissing someone too quickly. I wonder if I have the right to feel irritated. I know I tend to be quite picky about people. I'm usually out quicker than most people.

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I'm a tad too nice and they misinterpret it.

 

You're not 'too nice'. You are being inauthentic. There's a big difference. You're mad at her because you don't have the chutspa to say what you mean to her.

 

Tell her that you've been feeling stressed because you agree to do too many things and you know you need to start turning down invitations because of this. Tell her you won't be able to spend as much time with her for this reason. Then, next time she asks you to do something you don't want to do, refuse. You can say you're just not up to it. You don't need to provide a detailed explanation and if she offers you support just say that it's not anything wrong with you but that you are overburdened and are taking steps to destress.

 

When you stop acting against your wishes, you'll stop being mad at her.

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You're not 'too nice'. You are being inauthentic. There's a big difference. You're mad at her because you don't have the chutspa to say what you mean to her.

Well, it does remind me of these situations with guys who think a nice talk means you're interested in them.

 

When you stop acting against your wishes, you'll stop being mad at her.

Well, I just wish she would stop contacting me. I fear people who cling to me. But you're probably right. Sometimes I hate having to behave like a freaking sensible adult.

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I knoooow... :o

:laugh: That was too cute.

 

Do whatever will make YOU happy. If you don't want to see her then don't. She'll get the hint eventually. I think Outcast also had a great suggestion that you can tell her that you're trying to cut back on the stress in your life...afterall, she is a stressor :cool:

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ReluctantRomeo
You're not 'too nice'. You are being inauthentic. There's a big difference. You're mad at her because you don't have the chutspa to say what you mean to her.

 

Sorry, Loony, but I have to say that I agree. I'm gonna make you post in an "I'm such a nice guy, why do women hate me?" thread if you carry on like this :p

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Sorry, Loony, but I have to say that I agree. I'm gonna make you post in an "I'm such a nice guy, why do women hate me?" thread if you carry on like this :p
I'm not running after her and bugging her, that's the difference between the nice guys and me. I do find it difficult to talk with her about this. How can I tell her that I do not even want to see her every couple of weeks without making it sound as if I'm going to throw the friendship in the next garbage can if possible? How can I tell her that I want more distance between us without sounding like an utter b*tch?

 

I wrote her back yesterday and said I didn't feel like baking cookies recently. I do hope she's getting the hint somehow.

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ReluctantRomeo
How can I tell her that I do not even want to see her every couple of weeks without making it sound as if I'm going to throw the friendship in the next garbage can if possible? How can I tell her that I want more distance between us without sounding like an utter b*tch?

 

What level of friendship do you want? If you don't want to see her, you *are* effectively throwing the friendship in the garbage can. Anything else is dishonest.

 

I'd be tempted not to make a general pronouncement, but to give opinions on specific cases. This is a good rule of thumb in resolving relationship conflicts. "I don't fancy doing x, thanks". Or "why don't you join me and 2 friends doing y instead?".

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What level of friendship do you want? If you don't want to see her, you *are* effectively throwing the friendship in the garbage can. Anything else is dishonest.

If a nice decent person is trying to befriend you, but you don't feel like being friends, because you don't find that you have that much in common, you also don't think the topics you talk about are that interesting, what would you do? I think she's feeling somewhat alone and she's clinging to me, that's the problem.

 

"I don't fancy doing x, thanks".

What if I would like to do x, just not with her?

 

Or "why don't you join me and 2 friends doing y instead?".

What if we don't really have common friends?

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I am somewhat wondering if I do not get too irritated too quickly and if my way of avoiding further irritation by distancing myself is the most healthy. On the other hand, why should I have to force myself to befriend people who irritate me at such an early stage already?

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I think you're overanalyzing this loony. I feel I can say this to you because I am the same way. Try to keep it simple. If she asks you to do something and you don't want to then don't. If you don't want to talk to her then don't. One day you might feel like doing something with her and you will say yes.

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Oh and...

Sorry, Loony, but I have to say that I agree. I'm gonna make you post in an "I'm such a nice guy, why do women hate me?" thread if you carry on like this :p

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

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I think you're overanalyzing this loony.

I think you're right. I don't want to spend time with her and I will let her know that I don't want to spend time with her. Period.

 

I think I'm getting mad, because I feel bad and guilty for not really enjoying her company. Ideally I would not get bored or feel irritated by her behavior, but it just happens.

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ReluctantRomeo
I am somewhat wondering if I do not get too irritated too quickly and if my way of avoiding further irritation by distancing myself is the most healthy. On the other hand, why should I have to force myself to befriend people who irritate me at such an early stage already?

 

Yup. Withdrawal. Get a book on assertiveness. You'll be less irritated if you feel less pressured. I agree with JS that you're overcomplicating matters.

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ReluctantRomeo
I think you're right. I don't want to spend time with her and I will let her know that I don't want to spend time with her. Period.

 

Hmm. I'd say this is overkill. I'd just scale the relationship back and refuse some specific instances. You'll feel more comfortable then, maybe?

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Yup. Withdrawal.
Is this good or bad?

 

Get a book on assertiveness. You'll be less irritated if you feel less pressured.
I don't have a problem to be assertive with my friends or when someone bugs me. I find it difficult when there are feelings of guilt or pity involved. I find it difficult to deal with people who let you know that they're disappointed when you don't want to do something with them.

 

I agree with JS that you're overcomplicating matters.
I have a more complex mind than you, that's why. :p
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ReluctantRomeo
Is this good or bad?

 

Bad in general. I think the best way to deal with problems is to tackle them, not to dance around them. It's back to the procrastination thing ;)

 

 

I have a more complex mind than you, that's why. :p

 

:love:

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Hmm. I'd say this is overkill. I'd just scale the relationship back and refuse some specific instances. You'll feel more comfortable then, maybe?

Well, I will just continue to withdraw and that's it. I haven't initiated anything for a long time and I'm usually giving evasive answers.

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