zooyorkcity Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 This was posted in another thread, I think it fits better here... I've been going out w/ my girl friend for about 2 years. We were friends for about 6 months prior to that. I'm 21 and she's 18. All of a sudden, she has made friends w/ some guy in her college class. I remember her telling me that there was this hot guy in her class (him.) Now, she says she doesn't think he's good looking anymore. She's known him for about 3 months or so and they talk online when they are online together. I don't know if she talks to him on the phone a lot when I'm not there. At first, I wanted to be introduced to him, and she kind of wanted to keep him seperate from me. Its weird because I never had this problem with feeling so much jealousy. All the other guys she hangs out w/ I don't mind as much at all. I just have this gut feeling that this guy is a threat to me for some reason. He's about 25 or so and its just so weird to me. I've had girl friends that I've known longer than her and I don't even hang out with them like that. She has even told me that she would get jealous if it were the other way around so she knows how she's making me feel. She went to his house 2 times to watch movies and just hang out. The second time, she stayed until 11:30pm while I was just at home doing nothing. She stopped picking up my calls while she was there because she said she didn't want him to think she had a crazy, jealous bf. This is where I kind of flipped out and actually went there and knocked on his door like a crazy bf. I didn't cause a scene or anything, just told him I was there to pick up my gf nicely. It would make me feel so much better if I could just meet the guy. She picks up on a lot of things that he does, sports, the food they eat together, etc... I've talked to my girlfriend directly about this already. She says that she doesn't have any friends and I'm the reason why she hasn't been hanging out w/ any other guys for the last 2 years because she didn't want to make me feel jealous (or something of that nature).. So basically, she just wants to make some friends. Its not like she doesn't have a lot of other friends already (guys and girls).. She just claims that no one cares to call her. It seems like excuses to me because the story always changes. Then she tells me that she doesn't even consider this new guy a "friend." I can't help just feeling suspicious/jealous when she talks to him or hangs out w him. She has since continued to go to his house when I work and she has the day off. I understand that I am jealous and I really don't want to be. I love her so much and deep down inside I know she wouldn't cheat on me. Its just that I don't know the intention of this guy and I'm fearing that they are having a sort of emotional affair. Also, one of her friends that also knows this guy said to me "You know (guy) really has the hots for your girl right?" I told me gf this and she says that her friend has no idea what she's talking about. So in the end, I have expressed my feelings for the most part to my gf about this new friend of hers. I may be completely wrong and selfish, I just need some outside help here. I'm confused and I just need some help. Just an innocent friendship or something deeper? I would appreciate it... I'd be happy to tell more if you ask some questions.. I've tried to look at the situation in the most concious way possible and I can't get rid of this jealousy... Link to post Share on other sites
birdstealingbread Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Oh, boy. She wouldn't introduce him to you. She knows you're jealous but the behavior keeps escalating. Then she blames you for why she doesn't have any friends - now you feel guilty for your suspicion, AND this clears the path for her to keep seeing this guy, platonically or otherwise. Sounds like manipulation to me. Would she be so defensive if she had nothing to hide? Probably not. That, and the fact that her story keeps changing - it sounds like a parade of excuses to me. Whether she is physically cheating on you or not, emotional affairs are no less devastating than physical ones. Also, this guy is seven years older than her. I have to question HIS motives in this situation. The age gap also gives him a certain amount of power (not to mention knowledge) in any relationship he has with her, platonic or otherwise. He is more experienced, and if she looks up to him, there is a lot more potential for her to be controlled. Whatever is going on, you deserve to know the truth. It sounds like you two need to talk - calmly, rationally, privately. Tell her everything you said here, and trust your gut. Our instincts are all we have. Good luck to you, and please let us know how it works out. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Sorry to say that, but I'm pretty sure that she's interested in him. She feels flattered by the attention he gives her. If she didn't have a lot of friends before and blames it on the relationship with you, then I assume that the reason is not you, but an inability on her side to make friends, therefore the sudden attention she gets from her new "friend" gives her an ego boost. People who are good in making friends, will make new ones or try to keep the ones they had before even when they are in a relationship. Someone who complains about not having friends, because of a relationship only tries to cover his lack of social skills to keep friendships. She's probably too passive to have a lot of friends, so this guy who is wooing her is giving her a really good feeling. She doesn't have to do a lot, she can sit and wait while he tries to get her attention, to seduce her. That is nice for her, but bad for you. I think if I were you, I would sit down with her and have a talk about the lack of friendships in her life, because I'm pretty sure that is a main concern for her. Address her problem and show that you are interested in her problems. Also talk about your feelings concerning this guy. That you trust her, but are afraid that he's interested in more and that you feel that she's satisfying the need to have a greater social life outside the relationship through the attention that she's getting from him. If you want to get heard and get *your* problem solved you will need to understand what causes *her* to be so unhappy to risk her relationship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Sorry to hera this zooyorkcity, looks like princess has met a bigger fish in the pond so to speak. It must suck the mustard , I beleive if u try and talk to her it will only make the situation worse. Very tough brother indeed. Just plan things to do with her that stop her going to his house to watch movies Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Yeah, you are finished here. The relationship is ending. But am I the only one who picked up on the 2 year relationship between a now 21 year old and a now 18 year old? What was the 19 year old guy doing with a 16 year old girl? They do have laws against that. Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Devil Dog Karma Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 He's not finished if he's smart enough. Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Im not so sure loony colledge opens ones mind to lifes lil treats Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 16 years old when she got into this relationship, off to college, opening her mind to a much larger world. She is gonna want to experience different things. And personally, I think she should. It's a part of growing up. Sorry zooyork, I know it is a painful situation. But in the long run, it might be more beneficial for you. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Ok, you guys have good points. As this doesn't seem to be a relationship for life, maybe it's better just to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zooyorkcity Posted July 21, 2005 Author Share Posted July 21, 2005 I appreciate all the feedback. Sorry, I meant to say she's 19 (1 year difference..lol) Some things to point out. Now, she wants us to be introduced. Except she talks about him not wanting to be a third wheel. So not sure what exactly we would do. I mean all I hear are negative things. What are the chances that this guy's intentions is 100% good. I really doubt that. To be 24 or 25.. and want to hang out w/ a 19 year old (she just had her bday) just strikes me as strange. I think he obviously likes her but is taking a subtle approach. You know, I've talked to her about this all calmy. I love her so much and I know she loves me too. I don't want to get it twisted and make it seem like she sees him all of the time. This only happened 3 times (Only stayed over late 1 time.) Is that too much? She does however talk to hima lot when online and I catch a couple of their calls when I'm w/ her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zooyorkcity Posted July 21, 2005 Author Share Posted July 21, 2005 Regarding relationship for life.. I would be happy if I were to spend the rest of my life w/ her. Its only been 2-3 years though. She says the same thing to me and tells me she has said that to her prior bf of 3 years (even though they were reallly young) but never really meant it. Only time will tell.. Hopefully it will work out and everything back to normal. I feel like I'm making this issue bigger than it is sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
blackendangel13 Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 I don't think you are over-reacting at all to this. The only way you might be is if she had this friend before you. You are perfectly justified to be pissed off about it. She isn't taking your calls when she's with him, and she is spending time alone with him at his house. Thats bull****. Now she wants you to meet him but he doesn't want to be the third wheel. Well that means, he doesn't want to meet the competition. This guy has eyes for your girl sorry. I had an ex who was insanely jealous of my best friend (whom I'd had way before him). We had it out several times over my friendship with this man. I told him for his (my boyfriends) sake, I would not hang out alone with him in either of our houses. I would not do anything to cause him to think there was something there. Regardless if she is cheating physically she is totally dragging your heart through the mud and its not fair. Especially since you said you talked to her about it. I don't really have much advice on this sadly. Seems like the more you try to tell her how you feel, the less she cares and then throws crazy accusations in your face. I guess you need to figure out how much of this you are willing to take and if you can sweep this under the rug and smile in their faces about it, because it seems like she is perfectly happy having her cake and eating it. You should ask her why its so hard for her to make female friends in her classes and introduce her to women you know. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 The fact that she won't include her BF in her interactions with her new friend proves there is something up. Hello, red flags!! You aren't overreacting, she is being an emotionally immature little girl. I used to strenuously claim that men and women could be platonic friends, but having had several male friends and friendships explode in my face over the last few months I say, most times it's not platonic on one or the other side. Or both. Anyways, if she's going to be sneaky I'm thinkin' it's the end of the road. Nip it in the bud. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Originally posted by zooyorkcity Regarding relationship for life.. I would be happy if I were to spend the rest of my life w/ her. Its only been 2-3 years though. She says the same thing to me and tells me she has said that to her prior bf of 3 years (even though they were reallly young) but never really meant it. Only time will tell.. Hopefully it will work out and everything back to normal. I feel like I'm making this issue bigger than it is sometimes. how old was her previous BF? Link to post Share on other sites
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