Re-assessing Things

[Logo]

I always thought that friendships are supposed to make us better people, that we're supposed to seek out the people who can be on our level, people that we have a lot in common with.

 

In the last few years I have made a few friends and while each person has his pros and cons, his strengths and weaknesses, I have tried to take the good and leave the not-so good.

 

They hear me out if I'm feeling down. They cheer me up when I'm in a rut. They like my company and like being with me.

 

Over a year ago I broke up with an ex who cheated on me. It was nice to have friends around to distract me from the emotional pain I was feeling.

 

But, lately, after a lot of rejections by women, I'm starting to reassess relationships in general.

 

Sometimes I wonder if those women judge me based on my friends, meaning, the company I keep; show me who your friends are......

 

 

I've been thinking lately that although my friends are good people and their hearts are in the right place, I don't really have much in common with them.

 

 

I might be letting my lack of romantic success affect my platonic relationships. As an example, lately I've been feeling that I would like to spend less time with them, although we don't spend much time together as it is.

 

I also feel lousy about the fact that I have a completely different taste in women than my friends, we have different outlooks on life in general, different levels of education, different social classes, and as a result, I feel as though those women might be stereotyping me based on my friends.

 

I feel bad writing that because they're good people, but sometimes the gap between us is accentuated and I feel out of place.

 

I don't feel like I'm having fun when I'm with them anymore. It could be just me. It could be that my expectations have changed. It could be that I'm letting outside factors cloud my judgment about my friends.

 

And sometimes I feel that they are jealous of certain things, some achievements, and the occasional success with the opposite sex.

[PRW]

I can't say much about the friends. I don't know you or them so I can not comment on that. Most likely that have nohting to do with your dating issues.

 

But this below...

 

Over a year ago I broke up with an ex who cheated on me. It was nice to have friends around to distract me from the emotional pain I was feeling.

 

But, lately, after a lot of rejections by women, I'm starting to reassess relationships in general.

 

Sometimes I wonder if those women judge me based on my friends, meaning, the company I keep; show me who your friends are......

 

Most likely it is something you are doing wrong. It may be even the same thing that triggered you being cheated on. You just notice the result more with new dates because they aren't as committed yet and so will walk away sooner.

 

If you have a "downer" attitude and believe that you are probably going to be cheated on, then you will actually cause it to happen. If you don't think you are worthy to be with who you are with and you communicate that with your words and actions, then they will eventually agree with you.

 

What you fear, you attract.

 

Give me an overview of how you approach new dating prospects and how it turns out. Don't make it real long or I won't have the stamina to read all of it. Be direct and simple.

Edited March 19, 2018 by PRW

[Ronni_W]

I also feel lousy about the fact that ... we have different outlooks on life in general, different levels of education, different social classes, and as a result, I feel as though those women might be stereotyping me based on my friends.

Reading between the lines (which is always risky <lol>), your gut instinct is probably right that you have outgrown this particular group of friends, or even that you were never a totally good fit for them in the first place.

 

It has nothing to do with the fact that they are 'good people' -- they can be 'good people' and you can also be 'good people' -- but that doesn't mean that you actually have things in common that can support serious, long-term friendship commitments. (For example, people who want to save the whales are 'good people'...but I personally don't actually connect with their cause. My 'good people thing' is saving a different aspect of life on Earth, but which for them is probably not quite so important.)

 

And, yes...if I start hanging out with that group, then my current friends will most likely start seeing and even treating me differently; whether proper or not, we do also get judged by the company we keep.

 

It's possible that, up until this point, both sides have been reaping benefits from hanging out with each other -- and it's perfectly fine that you move on now because the 'benefits give-and-take' is no longer balanced, or even has become imbalanced/skewed in their favour. (I think this is the 'accentuated gap' that you talk about.)

 

You don't have to make it a big deal or feel guilty about it. Simply steadily withdraw interactions as you get busy with the rest of your life. Given that you have already sensed some jealousy from them, they may also welcome the change.

[preraph]

Don't throw your friends away. Your dating success has nothing to do with them. Always wait awhile before introducing them though so she knows who you are first. Everyone has some nutty friends or low-class friends. A real confident person won't feel that their friends are an embarrassment. Don't disparage them to each other or to your dates or you are going to be judged for doing that.

 

You may be a little depressed and that may be why you don't feel like being with friends. Do it anyway and try to be entertaining so they'll stay friends with you. Friends just want to have fun.

[Logo]

It may be even the same thing that triggered you being cheated on.

 

 

So you've already jumped to the conclusion that I was cheated on because of MY actions?

 

How dare you?

 

You don't know me. You don't know her. You don't know ANYTHING about the relationship.

 

She was an insecure, trashy woman with little self-respect and low morals who pretended to be someone else and presented herself based on what she thought I was expecting from a partner.

 

Why don't you go play therapist somewhere else.

 

I don't want to interact with you, at all.

[maxi105]

Ah logo, I can understand how you feel about not wanting tomove on from people who are essentially good people but who are no longer on your wave length when it comes to the things that matter to you now.

 

 

Im not sure having a different taste in women to your friendsshould really be an issue unless they are making you feel that in some way orthat you yourself are feeling that the women you are in relationships with are not being made to fit in or maybe they just look or sound like they don’t fit in, surely friends wouldn’t care that much would they about who you are with insuch a big way if they or once they cansee you are happy with that person.

 

But look, you know these people so only y0ou can give it thefinal decision on what to do here.

 

 

Maybe it might be worth getting interested in new people orjoining new groups socially, activities can bring groups together and it mightjust do you good to get out of your usual circle and do some different thingswith your spare time.

 

This may also allow you to see if your friends are outgrownnow or if it is a case of you’ll still see them but for the odd occasion here and there.

 

 

 

If they are jealous of your success then again that might besomething to steer clear of, also the fact that you are not having the samekind of fun you used to. It happens sometimes, people have folks in their livesfor a while and then all of a sudden they are looking for people who are moremature, who want quality over cheap thrills or cheap shallow talk whatever...

 

Maybe get out and about for the Easter break or look todoing more when the holiday season starts up, im sure there are loads of peopleout there who are also looking for a bit more out of there social networks.

 

Good luck as ever, I wouldn’t feel too too bad about thiseven though I do empathise where you are at, but try something new you wontlose anything by doing that, and if its meant to be fine. The thing is don’t letyour success and need for more of a connection with the people you want aroundyou become dumbed down just because you feel an obligation to what sounds asthough it has become stale.

 

These people are still going to be good people, and I feelyou will probably get more out of exploring new things and new people, so gofor it.

 

Ok, see ya maxi

Edited March 21, 2018 by maxi105

[Logo]

Maxi, thanks for your response. Yes, I think I need to expand or diversify my circle to include people who will bring something new, challenging and refreshing to the proverbial table.

 

I’ve looked into meetup groups, but couldn’t find a local one for my hobbies and the next closest group had a theme that didn’t appeal to what I’m after as far as the hobby goes.

 

 

I’ll keep searching to see if I can find other ones. I find that meetup groups don’t necessarily attract the most socially adept people. I feel awekward sometimes.

[maxi105]

hi there logo,

 

 

thanks for your reply, I will give you my thoughts here but it may be something I might have to have a bit more of a think about and get back to you if anything new comes up.

 

 

is your hobby the sort of thing you want to say what it is in the forum? as if it is others may also have some ideas to share with you. if its not the sort of thing you don't want to to open up about no worries, that's cool i'l respect that.

 

 

just a quick thought, are there specialist magazines for what you like? they may have an editor who can point you in the right direction or they may advertise a monthly social evening or event or something in the mag.

 

 

how bout your local library or is it miles out of town, or perhaps if you have a cool coffee shop that takes local posters or is the hub of a community? might either have posters up or flyers for whatever it is you like.....could you put up a advert or poster in a community space and advertise you are looking for places or people that can help you find the sort of hobbies or groups you'd like more contact with to meet others.....

 

 

online can sometimes be a good source of info for groups and gatherings that might have an obscure angle to them.

 

 

we have a local radio station that often puts over general stuff that's going on and people often just drop a line to the show to say does anyone know where we can meet up with so and so group or id like to join/be part of this kind of activity but don't know where to start. could that be another avenue to try, even online radio if its a specialist or niche hobby etc...

 

 

what about perhaps if you do find a group that is a little out of town could it be something you'd want to do to you make an adventure of it, ie you stay in some kind of motel/guest room whatever and that way you get to go to something that you know you're gonna enjoy and you can refresh your senses and explore another town/city whatever and it could be fun and maybe keep you on your toes. who knows you might discover some real nice places, some nice people, find a relaxing space to chill out or see new attractions etc.

 

 

sometimes, some of the best times can happen when you are not expecting too much or you don't know where you are heading but you are open to just going with the flow. and you sound more than ready to do something to explore different avenues which is always a great start.

 

 

also I often find that just by going to somewhere totally new it can be fun to do a little research so you get the best of your time there and it also gives you something else to look forward to or see if anything coming up might be a talking point too if others are also interested in or have actually been to similar type things you also enjoy..

 

 

good luck with your adventures and for finding some new challenges and people who share your interests, im sure in the right circumstances you will find your feet really easily and will enjoy the different experiences you do find .

 

 

you are making me feel like I should be due another little adventure soon too...haha...and that's always a good thing.

 

 

best wishes, and im sure you'll eventually find a link that will hopefully open some new doors for you.

 

 

see ya logo. maxi

[PRW]

So you've already jumped to the conclusion that I was cheated on because of MY actions?

How dare you?

You don't know me. You don't know her. You don't know ANYTHING about the relationship.

 

You came here and posted what you posted to get feedback from us. So I gave you feedback.

 

You came here and basically made us your therapist, so yea, here I am, your therapist. Your Ex and your friends didn't post here, we can't respond to them,...you posted here, so we respond to you. From a practical side, you can't change her or your friends,...you can only change you.

 

Now as far as your angry response to me,...you are proving the very point I made that you didn't like. If you get defensive and lash out at your Ex or your friends whenever they say or do something you don't like,...then yes, it could very well be that you got cheated on, at least in part, due to your own actions.