Do I ask her if she wants to be friends again?

[MissCongeniality]

I was taken advantage of by my best friend's dad when I was a teen and he painted me to look like I was obsessed with him he did this just to save his skin because if everyone thought I was crazy nobody would believe me. I lost my best friend and I spent a long time blaming myself.

 

She came up to me and just asked me a really random question and I think she believes her dad took advantage of me and I think it's really hurting her and I just I miss my best friend and I would like to ask her if she'd be willing to forgive me because I miss her and I don't really have anyone and I just miss us being friends and she really stirred up some feelings I didn't think I had and I just want to know if it's weird I still want us to be friends?

 

I at least want to make sure she's alright because she seemed distraught and I think her dad might have done something and I just want to make sure she's alright. I just don't know if it's okay to reach out because we haven't been close in years and I just I worry she's still angry with me.

[maxi105]

hi there miscon' you know your friend and it sounds like you have been through an awful lot and have come through the other side.

 

I'm not sure you have anything to apologise to your friend for if you mean because of what her dad did just on its own, that is something he did and was not right, he took advantage of you for his own sad and manipulatory means and he knew as an adult what he was doing!

 

however, If you didn't treat your friend well during this time and you feel bad about that and would like to reach out to her then yes, do that.

 

would it help you to talk with her about what happened (or have you done that in the past after what she hinted at)?

 

I think it is always worth giving an apology to someone especially if you know they are hurting as a result of something you have done.

 

your friend was not the person that did you harm, but as long as you are willing to prepare for the fact that there will probably also be feelings coming to the surface again as you both talk about things.

 

maybe you dealt with these sort of things and the repercussions of what happened in the past and I'm not expecting you to relive that sort of thing online I am just saying that if you re-open talks then hopefully your strength of mind about all of this will be at a much stronger position.

 

its sad how others try to make things bad for others by denying things, lying and gossip because it is easier for them, but you know the truth and I suspect as you say your friend probably knows what you have tried to say was true.

 

I hope you can sort things with your friend and I also really hope that you get an apology from the friend because they have also played a part to hurt you too.

 

it isn't weird for you to want to be friends because that's what she was before all of this awfulness happened and as a person I expect from what you say she probably hasn't changed that much.

 

there is no harm reaching out to her, just remember it will be up to her if she accepts, but if she is a decent person and has also missed the friendship then hopefully she will also want to sort things out and get back to what they were with you.

 

you never know, if you are friends it might help to give you more of a sense of power to conquer any issues that are still lingering in your head but that you have also put to the back of your mind, what I mean by that is maybe if your friends dad is still around then he might not feel so empowered over you if you and her know what has gone on and are friends again, he may not also feel comfortable and it might make him start to feel the shame of what he has done if you are united again and also now you are older you will hopefully be able to present a less vulnerable air if you are in his company for whatever reason or you bump into him (if you haven't seen him since or whatever)...

 

I think you are the strong one and clearly have survived your situation to at least give you the strength and courage to reach out to her.

 

it sounds like you have come to terms a bit more and I really hope she will also give you the answers to her own behaviour during this difficult time as you must also have questions for her and must by the sounds of it must also have been hurting too.

 

I really wish you lots of luck and good will for this situation it sounds tough, but it also sounds like you deserve a little happiness or at least another opportunity to talk with this girl.

 

as for your feelings for her, I would first put the friendship offer to her first and meet up somewhere not connected with anything that will make you feel uneasy and talk with her honestly and openly. then maybe when you talk, feelings will be better to read.

 

so yes, I would say ask her if she would like to resume a friendship with her.

 

only she can really help you with this one, and I genuinely do hope she does chose to help you. if she does, then already that is a sign of commitment for the friendship, but don't assume that because you have feelings for her she will return them or is single or even see's you in that way.

 

but I think your motives hopefully are genuine so as long as you can talk through it and give her time to say what she needs to too, then you might be able to sort things for friendship out with her.

 

you wont know what she feels unless yo talk to her! but if you have apologies to make or she does then you need to accept honestly what has gone on and apologies should be given.

 

I suspect that there are also a lot of other people on the side-lines that have also been responsible for causing you real hurt!!!! and that needs to be talked about too! if she is genuinely sorry then she will want to expose the people that also turned against you so you can see what you were dealing with and why.

 

do you mean that you are worried that you think also that her dad took advantage of her too (the 2nd to last line of your post? is that what you mean?) or do you mean that she is distraught because she realises what he did to take advantage of you?

 

you seem forgiving, but I'm sure you must also have had anger about this and felt isolated from all the spite and gossip or just being shunned by others who were ready to believe what was being said against you.

 

there is a lot that isn't being said (and I don't mean the taking of advantage part), we don't need to know what happened, but it sounds like maybe bullying and a lot of nasty rumours went around, so like I say you probably should talk about it all.

 

I think there are probably a lot of other people in this story that have also got away with how they behaved that have caused pain you as well as the person that took advantage!!!!!!

 

meet this person and use this opportunity to try and put the things that you can right. but I believe that can only be done it the truth and reasons behind what was said and done are also spoken about on both sides honestly.

 

GOOD LUCK WITH THIS. I suspect there is a lot of shame behind things here, so if you can talk things through it might help to alleviate some of the feelings that have not been given the fair chance to be talked about.

 

it also sounds like a lot of unhealthy emotions have gone inside because people were shunned or blocked from expressing their feelings or point of view.

 

that is one of the reasons I am so for real communications and honesty! the truth can get twisted and peoples reputations can get damaged or made to feel worthless just because of what others say and do or spread around without really knowing the truth or the people involved!!!!!

 

talk to this person as I am sure they are probably wanting to sort this out as much as you are and are probably feeling a great deal of guilt but have buried it just as you have had to bury things too.

 

take care, and I hope she at least listens to what you are trying to put across this time!!!!

 

one question I don't understand, why would she be angry with you? ok thanks maxi.

[preraph]

If he's messing with her friends, she probably does know it by now, and he may well be messing with her as well. I think it's fine if you try to befriend her again. If there are any minors in their home still, I'd put in an anonymous call to Child Protective Services but not tell her. He probably played a role in running you off with her.

[maxi105]

hello there misscon'

 

 

just wondering, did you find the courage to ask your friend if she'd like to resume the friendship with you?

 

 

either way, hope you're ok. maxi.

[MissCongeniality]

hello there misscon'

 

 

just wondering, did you find the courage to ask your friend if she'd like to resume the friendship with you?

 

 

either way, hope you're ok. maxi.

I did and we're working through things.

[MsJayne]

I did and we're working through things.

 

Hey MissC, I feel for you, very much. I'm not sure why you think you have something to apologise for. You're the injured party in this scenario, not just for being groomed by a sick pervert, but also for being victim-blamed. I understand why your friend was angry at you, but you do not owe her an apology. You have both been manipulated by her father. Are you going to do anything about what he did to you? There are millions of women out there who you don't even have to explain to because we know what sleazy, perverted men are capable of and how they operate. Sending you a big hug.

[MissCongeniality]

Hey MissC, I feel for you, very much. I'm not sure why you think you have something to apologise for. You're the injured party in this scenario, not just for being groomed by a sick pervert, but also for being victim-blamed. I understand why your friend was angry at you, but you do not owe her an apology. You have both been manipulated by her father. Are you going to do anything about what he did to you? There are millions of women out there who you don't even have to explain to because we know what sleazy, perverted men are capable of and how they operate. Sending you a big hug.

I'm not going to do anything because it's been years and I'm afraid it'll open up a whole can of worms my fear is if I talk about what he did to me I'll have to talk about what else has happened to me and I don't want to do that. Powerlessness is something I don't do well and I feel like if I come forward about any of the stuff that's happened to me over my life I'll be called a liar or worse.

Edited March 23, 2018 by MissCongeniality

[maxi105]

Hey mis con’,

I’m really glad you two are working things through. That shows you are the bigger person in this and pretty brave too.

I agree that it is probably best for the moment not to go down the route of raking up the past as it sounds as though you have had an awful time of it and not surprisingly it is still with you. So look, don’t feel bad a bout that. If things do come up from time to time then you might find it is her that is the one that may want to talk and bring it up.

 

I think when you get more comfortable with each other again and if you get back to the place you were with her before all of this happened then if this is to come up in anyway then It will happen naturally and hopefully you will be feeling a lot stronger to deal with things and maybe find more capability to talk about it if you feel able or safe enough to want to.

 

Well done for taking such a terrifically brave step to send out love to her after all that has gone on, that cant have been easy at all.

I admire your courage, honesty of how you feel towards her as a friend and your strength to say I still would like us to talk as we were,it is so much more honest and real than all of the trivial no contact dramas and games that people seem to go in for a lot in the outside world, when you actually had a traumatic reason to say if you just couldn’t cope anymore to ghost another but you chose to take the brave option and talk and move forwards and I really hope you both get back some of the lost time you had; things will be different for you both im sure, but Im sure when the good times come back to you you will know in your hearts what special people you are and you have not let everything that could have crushed you totally defeat what you stand for and let it totally destroy and consume you. friendship if it is right for you good and trusting is beyond any value you could name.

 

Thank you for your update, it really does say a lot about your character and resilience. VERY VERY BEST OF LUCK FOR THE FUTURE…I HOPE YOU TWO CAN START A NEW CHAPTER AND KEEP THE STRENGTH TOGETHER….if the past comes back to you (I mean if she want to talk about this and you are happy/comfortable to do so in the future), then I hope at least you can at some time in the future know that you can open up to a friend).

 

In the mean time, don’t forget if you haven’t thought about this or are considering/have done this…don’t forget there are phone lines out there where you can keep your identity totally confidential or you may feel the need to actually talk face to face with someone (even out of town) if you need to open up about what happened and you are struggling still.

 

The blame for what happened is not at your door and you must NEVER take what happened in as being your fault.

 

It might be worth getting a little counselling for yourself to help top up your emotional stability if you are or feel that you are struggling as I feel it might help your friendship and it might be something that can help you shed some of the internal stuff that must at times be weighing your soul down.

 

Never feel ashamed to get help if you feel you need it. There is no telling when and where people carry stuff so deep around with them, but if you can find someone professional to lighten your load then im sure it will help you to move your life in the right direction…you have at least achieved something positive out of something so awful. I hope that there will also be many other things in time with your friend in tow that can show you that there are other things in life that can help you grow and cut out the bad stuff. It does still sound like you have things to talk over and if you can then I really think it would help you a great deal.

 

You are a true survivor, and I feel if you can speak with a professional even if it’s the odd session or once a week over a phone call that no one knows you, then it will help take some of the pressure you are feeling off you.

 

Ok, many many thanks for your post, I mean that in a genuin eway. I am really happy to know you have taken a positive step to reach out to a friend you lost.

 

PS.......don't forget that professionals will not be phased by you opening a can of worms....its what they do.....your worms will not be worms they have not seen before and they will show you how to contain the emotions behind the shock of opening/triggering cans of worms. and besides, im sure the friend may not want to upset you either, so if you do wish to talk then take it to people who will be able to listen, understand or empathise properly and leave you with a little hope for your future without you brooding or blaming yourself. if you can talk to them, It might also help to move the friendship and your private thoughts on this forward and help you get your confidence and rightful balance and courage back.

 

ok, thank you again, your courage is a real reminder of what others have gone through when we are all feeling hard done by trivial things.

 

best wishes, Maxi

Edited March 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed code, please don't cut and paste and leave it a mess

[preraph]

I'm not going to do anything because it's been years and I'm afraid it'll open up a whole can of worms my fear is if I talk about what he did to me I'll have to talk about what else has happened to me and I don't want to do that. Powerlessness is something I don't do well and I feel like if I come forward about any of the stuff that's happened to me over my life I'll be called a liar or worse.

 

Don't worry about that. I understand why you do, because that can happen sometimes. But like I said earlier, if there's minor kids in his home, even if they're grandkids, an anonymous call to CPS would be a good thing to do. There's no reason for him at this point to think you did it. More likely a neighbor or relative would do that. You just tell them, can I report this anonymously or not? If not, then don't if it scares you.

 

Do not put yourself in a position to go over to her house or be around her father ever again! If she seems in denial about what happened, then you really can't still be friends. I know how you feel. When I was about 30, my best friend got married at her home. I already knew her dad was a mess because he was always causing drama and then crying at family functions like Thanksgiving, so I was already avoiding it, but I had to go to her small wedding. Believe it or not, the geezer came up and stuck his tongue down my throat right in front of everybody including his wife! I thought he was just going to hug, you know, like how you do when your daughter gets married, but nooooooo.

 

Now, I can tell you that that day, which is unfortunate, I had to openly talk to my friend about it, and in some way she was relieved that I knew what he was like. But as years wore on, she went in denial about it at times. Realize it's unpleasant stuff for her to face and she was already fragile mentally. I'd bring it up occasionally when she was trying to get on her dad's good side (she never stopped seeking his approval) and she's look kind of startled like she'd blocked it out, which I believe she had. It was just sad.

 

I mean, she'd invite me to his ranch and stuff! Uh, NO. So I know what you're up against.

 

Just don't go around him at all. He's a creep.

[maxi105]

hi miss con' yes I agree with pre-raphs words of caution here too...don't put yourself in any kind of dangerous or vulnerable situations around her father.

 

you couldn't trust him then and there is nothing to guarantee you could trust him again, also just being in his space could drag things up for you. but i am very very glad you have a friendship that you value to work on and hopefully can restore elements of normality back to your everyday life.

 

whatever happens just remember professionals can give you the support and help to relieve some of the immense pressure, guilt, anger, anxiety and shame and whatever things you may be battling with, they can help you and they will have heard so many many similar stories, some of them unbelievably horrific, and they will take everything you say into their confidence and discretion and be able to work with you in a way that can help you unlock the things in you that need to be faced and not holding you back, and make you feel more whole in who you are and who you have a right to be.

 

you have been through a lot I'm sure and deserve a chance to be able for this to not keep taking you by surprise and making you feel so emotional or still feel like you have to hide or feel dirty or shamed or feel like you will never get the answers you need or whatever things you need to be in a comfortable space to talk about and get out into the open in a safe professional place.

 

so do get help with that side of things if you need to. it does sound like you would benefit from talking to professionals if you are not able to do so already, I really think it could help; but of course the situation is personal to you and is in your hands, I just hope you find the courage and support if you decide that's what you would like to opt for.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and again...GENUINE APPLAUSE TO YOU FOR YOUR COURAGE TO LINK BACK WITH YOUR FREIND BECAUSE YOU MISS HER COMPANY.

 

lots of love to you, maxi.