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Ideas how I can gracefully avoid talking on phone with friend

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Old 1st March 2018, 10:47 AM   #16
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Get rid of them. You don't have room or time for that in your life.

You say shes selfish and self centered like a typical narcissist so she will always be on on the look out for the next person to use to fill that need of attention. If she thinks shes getting that need filled from you, she will continue to "be your friend" until your drained and she can't get anything else out of you. Then she'll move on and find another victim to use.
Personally I'd ignore her and pretend she doesn't exist. She might be persistent for a while but if you give in even a little bit, she continue badgering you in her constant need for attention. My advice is too get away as fast and as far as you can. This kind of person isn't a benefit in your life but in fact a detriment. That may seem cold hearted and may even be against your personality style but you gonna have to remember she doesn't really care about you or other people, only the attention she can get from them.
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Old 1st March 2018, 12:09 PM   #17
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She is a person with a whole lot of acquaintances but only about 4 close old friends who know her background and her issues. And I am not sure two of those really know her but just are always there to have fun with her. So that leaves me and her oldest friend, a retired nurse, who I'd love to talk to about this but don't have her full name. I'd like to see how she's managing her.

I really appreciate all the feedback. Everyone has good points. It's true I am driven by guilt, as I guess anyone should be who has been friends with someone for 40 years.

As far as drugs or anything, my biggest suspicion with her would be that I bet she drinks a lot. Mainly because drinking is a social thing and she always wants to go to bars and talk to people. So it best fits her lifestyle. But when she was young, she did get addicted to prescription drugs. But later, she was lucid about that. Realize she's a busy productive person, in her own way, so whatever she might be abusing isn't slowing her down any. I keep kind of hoping she'll mellow out some with age like I kind of did and stop needing all that drama and attention from everyone.

I am thinking that I may either call or email her after awhile and tell her I've been too busy, which is mostly true. And then make up some excuse to just bail off the phone (someone's at the door, my client is calling in) if she starts going down that road. By waiting a little while, I'm hoping whatever has her so excited and wanting to talk to me about it will go away or she'll find someone else to talk to so I don't have to listen to it. I mean, it could be not personal. She does own her own business. She might have sold it or something. My biggest fear is actually that she might be moving back to my area, and the reason being because she was in a flood many years ago and traumatized by it and then her town flooded real bad this year. I was surprised I didn't hear from her then. She might be excited because she's getting out and coming back over in this area where she has a brother.

Really, it might not change that much because she's so bad at making plans. But it might give her more opportunity to stir up crap with people I know, though.

So I guess I better find out at some point what's going on. A friend of mine is on her Facebook, but I don't think she says much on there.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
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Old 1st March 2018, 12:29 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by todreaminblue View Post
what you say has truth cc but if the lady in question reaches out for comfort from pre raph in my opinion I would consider it pretty heartless for pre raph to deny her that comfort and not be there for her...friends or not friends...complete strangers who would reach out for comfort deserve to have that hand met by someone........deb
True, under normal circumstances. But people like this live in the drama zone and they’re extremely self-centered. Not only that, they’re incredibly exhausting to deal with. The sympathy we naturally feel towards others gets us in trouble with people like this. They’re toxic to our well-being and need to be dealt with in a different manner.
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Old 1st March 2018, 2:31 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post
True, under normal circumstances. But people like this live in the drama zone and they’re extremely self-centered. Not only that, they’re incredibly exhausting to deal with. The sympathy we naturally feel towards others gets us in trouble with people like this. They’re toxic to our well-being and need to be dealt with in a different manner.

I agree completely with the fact that dealing with toxic people can be detrimental to anyones well being..and i do believe you know in your heart when its time to distance yourself for your own peace of can maintain distance and still be there for someone...

i have a real core belief though though when it comes down to it toxic or not toxic ...humanity is when you feel compassion and or sympathy for people who are hard to deal with and not so love...its when you have time for people that others would avoid or ignore....and with my whole heart i believe if you try to do this can make you a better person for it........more whole and at peace even though at the time it is draining and hard work taxing on your spirit...grunt work..often is the biggest personal progress to be had for your spirit and your wisdom from experiences in life gain more than you lose....

i often wonder how the salvation army people who visit with hard core callous cold prisoners and hold their hand in court( been to court a bit for people myself as support) can do so without repulsion and lovingly they do so..i have watched them and their eyes and they are honest in their compassion can see it and feel they serve people who society would shun and that being due to those people being really toxic to anyones well being ...yet the salvation army the same people are there the next day adn the day after that and continue to hold hands for years for people who no one wants to ever know....and still those hand holders in court maintain a high level of integrity and compassion for fact it seems to grow...if anything they seem to shine....with pure love of humanity..... and i feel that they have this high level of humanity they hold themselves too that keeps them among the emost understanding compassionate kind and honest people i have had the pleasure to know......that is rather ...beautiful adn really cant be denied to be anything other than beautiful ......i believe its the definition of true christianity to love the ones ...that make it so very hard to love them..the ones where you really have to put your own feelings or judgment aside to be their friend...

i know a lot of people wouldnt agree with me its just what i believe from my own life...and the people i have met.... and i have known some really challenging peoples....but i also know from experience ....that people do and can change ....even narcissists..sometimes they need to be shown more love than the well adjusted person down the road to facilitate any change..and i have seen change in cold faces when those cold faces have had compassion and love shown to them....i have seen hearts soften ...when its been me they were looking at....all i had to give them ...was a little time....and sometimes even when i havent wanted too i have had to maintain a little distance.....for my own hearts heart tells me when i cant take anymore and to get some breathing room while still letting that someone know hey im here if you need me....but knowing that ill get hurt if i stand too close too i love them from a distance....

cheers cc i dont mean to sound argumentative ....i hope you dont take it that way because your views are valid and thoughtful too..........deb
in the ache of night,luminous prayers take fragile flight,
somewhere between battalions of warring sins,
there exists hope and love for peace begins...deb

Last edited by todreaminblue; 1st March 2018 at 3:52 PM..
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Old 4th March 2018, 11:32 AM   #20
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hi there preraph, i meant to get to this post much earlier than i have done but time got the better of me and i lost track of where the post was. I thought then and i still think now (if you haven't already) you just need to be honest with her.

it can be done in a kind but clear and firm way about what you want (maybe more of an acquaintance relationship? if that is what you want,) although you will have to say that in a delicate way, and be very honest about the fact that you don't like the lengthy calls, you'd rather have en e-mail with some genuine news in it not just a banal list of everything that is part of her life or endless invitations to watch comic videos, look at other peoples family and friends images or get drawn into gossip and drama.

obviously only you know if this person is worth keeping as an occasional acquaintance or maybe it's time to put these options to her to improve or is it something she is willing to consider in order to compromise with your friendship and if she's not then just fizzle; but at least she will not feel ghosted or ignored by you she will know why this has happened and where she stands as she has not done her bit to keep the friendship in a more healthy state.

I don't think giving a phone number to someone who you don't want to talk to on the phone is anything that is going to help this situation as you've talked about it, so honesty will not be liked by her, but it has to be said as things are draining you.

but one thing I do think is that making excuses and guessing what may happen it's going to help this to sort itself properly.(and there is a lot of guessing on your part!!! you are guessing that she drinks a lot, guessing about where she lives and her business etc...) but that why I think you should talk to her sooner rather than put it off a while so you know exactly what is the situation and so does she), it will help you clear things one way or the other.

if you can tell her in an e-mail then tell her everything you feel good and bad and she might get the message, other than that maybe meet up with her in a park, nature spot where you can also talk openly and fpr some time without maybe getting mistaken by any replies (if she would reply to you) or to avoid her getting your e-mail misread and then get all uptight about it...if you go walking you will be in a neutral space and you are more likely to get your message across (both of you) and even the next day you will be more likely to think more deeply about what was said rather than things getting blown up or frustrating again.

whatever happens, i think you do need to talk to her and sort this problem quickly, it will be healthier for you both that way. if she can't accept your point about all of teh things that you find challenging for your freindship after 40 years then it is only going to go round in circles of you avoiding and her and her trying to make contact because she doesn't really know what you feel and that is frustrating for her.

if you are both honest it will at least give you a chance to either sort something out with her that is better for both of you, or you will be able to have put this to her and if she still can't handle that then it is a chance to move forwards and leave her drama's for others who may be less affected by it all.

so forget all of this friend on her face book stuff and you've been endlessly busy when perhaps you may not have always been that busy to nail this when it rises for the billionth time etc..and just go down the honesty route with her, because if you start lying she'll find out at some point anyway and then quite rightly she will see you as someone that is behaving in a flaky way, even though her actions are not that great either!

it's ok to feel the way you do about this, it's also ok to give this up, but of you are going to go down that route I always think it's just fairer and kinder to let people know what is happening so they can put their side to it, agree and compromise or fall out or disagree and move apart...either way it will help to clear up the bad feelings or misunderstandings and let both parties feel as though the other has actually respected the other enough to raise a concern in the hope that change can be made (for good or not if they/you are not interested in real friendship any longer).

it's just an idea and I am very aware that you know this person and situation very well, but I really think if you tackle this with her then at least you will have put yourself over to her and then it's up to her if she wants to change her behaviours or not.even if you guys argue and it gets heated, it will calm down at some point and hopefully leave more room for more constructive healthier output that you can work with (or not depending on how it goes and if she bothers to reflect on what youve said).

hhhmmm....part of me wonders whether you just want to really quietly move on...but even if that is the case, at least give her the chance to respond and share her feelings too. it might save any bad feeling (whether you can be friends in the end or not). its the better option and one that i think will be a lot more healthier than where things are at the moment.

anyway, good luck with this one, hope you're well, maxi.
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Old 4th March 2018, 2:47 PM   #21
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Thanks for that. She knows what's going on. She's just hoping to ignore it and make it go away and have no consequences. I haven't had any talk with her about not wanting to be on the phone, but our last phone call I tried repeatedly to get her off it, saying I have to go, I have to get off the phone. She just doesn't care. Maybe she was manic, I don't know. She's nearly always like that though. I'm taking a rest from thinking about it right makes my brain hurt.
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Old 5th March 2018, 10:56 AM   #22
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preraph, I think you're doing fine in ignoring her when you don't want to deal with her, and taking her calls when you want to. Like you, I don't think you should dump her as a friend, but you are probably worrying too much about her. If there's anything you should change is how much you let this bother you. Just put her out of your mind until you want to deal with her and don't even feel guilty about it. I don't think having a talk with her will work either, because she's forcing herself on you on purpose. I don't think she'll be going anywhere anytime soon, as it seems that she's still calling you and probably always will!

Last edited by Popsicle; 5th March 2018 at 10:58 AM..
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Old 6th March 2018, 10:56 AM   #23
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hiya preraph, I can imagine why your head is hurting with all of this and you are sick and tired of this situation.

if it were me I'd get everything on paper and let her know the score good and bad: otherwise this situation is going to go on infinitely!!!!!!! and that's just no good for anyone.

once you've said your bit its up to her. if she doesn't respond then maybe its time to call it a day.

some friendships you can't fix, i'm all for trying with folks, but there comes a time where enough really just needs to be enough.

just explain and do it the fair way...the rest will take care of itself.

i'm surprised that someone that has been a friend for so long can still be acting in such an immature way; but I guess that's how some people are when they cant talk properly they run from things or create dramas etc...

I think if you can just say how you feel in a letter or e-mail or whatever it will at least make you feel cleansed of all of this, and I think it will help to eleviate some of the stress you must be feeling about all of this.

not talking (whether it is you or her is not doing you any favours) if it were me on this one I'd tell her just how this is making me feel ask her to sort things with me if you value her friendship) or just let this fizzle in its own time and let her know if she isn't going to work of this you are not interested in taking any calls or hearing any of her news.. you have to be upfront on this an honest, otherwise she will keep this little head game going with you for as long as she thinks she can do.....if you don't put a stop to this by telling her how you feel you will both be feeding off the others insecurities and power play or frustrations and it will go on unless you are going to do something about this!!!!!

go on....the sooner you tell her the quicker the relief will be on your head, consiounse and you will see whether you actually have a good friendship worth saving or you have a waste of time hanging around you.

she may be manic she may be not, that isn't the real deal here, the point is you need to address your TRUE feelings with her and ask or see if she is willing to compromise (if so you have a chance for things to change) if not and she's not interested or cant be bothered to even reply, get rid of this person.

life is too short for this kinda silliness, just give her the chance in your telling her the whole truth of this and if she abuses that opportunity you wont feel regret or hung-up on her or this situation.

ok, im really done on this one. good luck and please, please tell her how you feel.....for all our sakes and yours!!!! but best wishes anyhow, maxi
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