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Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 5th February 2018, 3:20 AM   #16
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If she thinks his terms are controlling she has every right to break up with him.

Just as he has every right to break up with her for having a male friend if she has one and they agreed she wouldn't have one. By crossing that boundary she has shown herself to have a problem with keeping her word.

A better choice for her would have been to explain to her bf that, though they agreed she'd have no male friends, she is now finding that agreement to be too restrictive and would like to renegotiate the terms of their R before becoming friends with the other guy, not after she has established the friendship with the new guy.

If he had not wanted to renegotiate and she had, either of them could have broken off the R and both gone their separate ways with their integrity intact, but by establishing this new friendship before she has brought up the issue for discussion with her bf, she has dishonored her word and demonstrated her continued (begun by having the previous emotional affair) lack of integrity.

Some people have very poor boundaries and it takes years of working on personal growth, and making lots of mistakes in the meantime, to remedy that issue. This woman has a lot to learn before she's ready for a healthy R.

Personally, once a person has cheated, either emotionally or physically, I wouldn't be interested in continuing a relationship with the person.
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Old 5th February 2018, 4:15 AM   #17
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She agreed to what he said and promised she would stick by it.
So if he said: "I'll beat you every Sunday", and she agreed to it, would everything be fine? Be sure he'd get in trouble for that. Because there are things that - regardless of agreement between the parties involved - are illegal.
Remember: it's a very thin line. A guy engaged in bondage with two girls. While at it, one of them DIED. He ended up in jail. He said they had given their consent, but the law is the law. So watch out. You need to rethink your rules, man.
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Old 5th February 2018, 4:47 AM   #18
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Bit extreme to compare a simple request to physical violence donít you think?
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Old 5th February 2018, 5:04 AM   #19
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Bit extreme to compare a simple request to physical violence donít you think?
I was just following your reasoning about consent. No, consent means nothing if what you propose is against the law and human rights.
Know your rules, before applying your rules to others.
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Old 5th February 2018, 5:10 AM   #20
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should both agree on who is friends with you both as a couple

or - you're not quite the full-on twosome you wish for
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Old 5th February 2018, 5:36 AM   #21
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Hey HM,

Yeah this is waaay too controlling. A bit ridiculous really. I wouldnít be with a girl if she told me I canít have girl friends/office friends/gaming friends etc. I bet even that wouldnít have suppressed his trust issues, which is understandable. When trust is gone, itís best for all parties to move on.
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Old 5th February 2018, 5:56 AM   #22
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I was just following your reasoning about consent. No, consent means nothing if what you propose is against the law and human rights.
Know your rules, before applying your rules to others.
And which law was he violating by saying what he said?
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:01 AM   #23
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And which law was he violating by saying what he said?
It was a comparison to make a point.

She consented to something that was virtually impossible - she did so out of desperation because she didnít want to lose him.

Asking someone to not have friends of the opposite sex is, in my opinion, emotional abuse.

I had a partner once Who did that to me. Amongst other restrictions... i lived in a prison in my own apartment, basically.

Your friend should make more reasonable requests.
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:07 AM   #24
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It was a comparison to make a point.

She consented to something that was virtually impossible - she did so out of desperation because she didnít want to lose him.

Asking someone to not have friends of the opposite sex is, in my opinion, emotional abuse.

I had a partner once Who did that to me. Amongst other restrictions... i lived in a prison in my own apartment, basically.

Your friend should make more reasonable requests.
A comparison to what? Something completely unrelated?

I disagree, asking someone to do something is different to telling them to do so. He made the rules clear and she agreed.

Fortunately he has ended it.

I do wonder if the replies would be different should the sexes be reversed..
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:44 AM   #25
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NO male friends is a little overkill. Sorry, but this world is mixed with both genders, and whether it's a personal trainer or coworker or classmate, there are going to be men in her life, and they may follow each other on social media and have a friendship outside of the professional relationship, even if it's super casual and mainly on social media. For her to not be allowed to follow her PT is stupid.

The question is whether or not she's flirtatious and there is clearly a little more going on than just a friendship or just casual aquantance type friendship. The guy is extremely insecure over just following the PT. I'm surprised he's "allowing" her to have a male PT. That is controlling and manipulative.

If she's flirting and he's flirting and there is too much affection, spark, attraction, touching...secret "dates," and long conversations, I can see a real problem. Of course this leads to lack of trust of the boyfriend, and if her behavior is such that she comes across as on the verge of cheating, or seems to be "emotionally cheating," then it's time to cut loose. She'll lose a lot of boyfriends until she figures out how her behavior causes this and changes how she manages herself and her relationships. There will always be attractions and crushes. You don't behave in a "come hither" manner with your guy friends or acquaintances when you are in a relationship...or even when you're not, unless you're looking for something more than platonic.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:07 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
It was a comparison to make a point.

She consented to something that was virtually impossible - she did so out of desperation because she didnít want to lose him.

Asking someone to not have friends of the opposite sex is, in my opinion, emotional abuse.

I had a partner once Who did that to me. Amongst other restrictions... i lived in a prison in my own apartment, basically.

Your friend should make more reasonable requests.
This girl shouldn't be putting it around town in the first place! She made her bed and then agreed to lie in it, totally on her.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:22 AM   #27
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A comparison to what? Something completely unrelated?

I disagree, asking someone to do something is different to telling them to do so. He made the rules clear and she agreed.

Fortunately he has ended it.

I do wonder if the replies would be different should the sexes be reversed..
I don't think this is the most objective forum you will find on the internet so my money is firmly on high fives all round if a woman successfully negotiated a 'no female friends' rule after a guy cheated. It seems pretty clear to me- she was offered a 2nd chance with a condition attached. She agreed to that condition, nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to do anything she wasn't willing to do. She brought the condition upon herself firstly by using her own free will to cheat and then secondly by using free will to accept the new terms. She then used her own free will to break those terms. I'm struggling to have any sympathy really. The morals of whether that condition was a fair one is a separate issue. She may be better off without him, he is definitely better off without her. Case closed.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:31 AM   #28
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What did you want her to do? Tell her PT she can't add him on Facebook because her boyfriend has an issue with it?

That's ridiculous.
Adding someone on Facebook and chatting from time to time isn't being friends, that's barely being acquaintances.
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:07 AM   #29
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And which law was he violating by saying what he said?
Contact a lawyer. He/she will assist you better regarding legal issues in your country.
But you know something is illegal the moment you ask a lawyer to put the contract into writing, and your request gets rejected, because what you are asking for cannot be written on paper. If you write a contract/agreement with void, invalid or ineffective provisions or terms, the risk is the entire document will be void and ineffective. If what you ask is against human rights and/or pertains to any form of abuse (in this case, as mentioned "emotional abuse" leading to isolation), don't expect to be in the right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HumanMachine View Post
I do wonder if the replies would be different should the sexes be reversed..
Abuse is wrong regardless of gender. But it's a fact that it happens more often at the expense of women.
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:44 AM   #30
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She has poor boundaries.

As a condition of taking her back, your buddy made an unreasonable & controlling request. This woman stupidly agreed to it. It's ridiculous to think that she'd have no male friends. You can't cut contact with 1/2 the population. Plus who is to decide what a "friend" is & what is or isn't appropriate? If she talks to her trainer, is that prohibited or is only social media a bridge too far? What about men in her place of work? If she walks in this morning & say "how 'bout them Eagles, last night" while getting coffee has she broken her promise to your buddy? The parameters are too fuzzy & unrealistic.

However, she agreed to it. When your buddy said the trainer had to go, she said no. She made a choice, the trainer over you buddy. So that is that.
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