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Old 29th January 2018, 12:05 PM   #16
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I have done all you suggested already, limit communication, and now need support

it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good
This makes me wonder which one of you is dreading seeing the other more - you or her.
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:00 PM   #17
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No, it will make you look like a trouble maker. The party is not the best time to relay your feelings to her. The fact that you see no issue instigating drama and causing a scene at someone's birthday party is self-serving.

I think you're perturbed that she has ignored you and you're trying to poke at the dragon to provoke a response.

Unless she's getting in your face and wagging her finger at you -- smile, nod, and walk the other way. I think you're making it more dramatic than it has to be.
not perturbed, if I never had to see her again, I would prefer it, but no, I will not say it

not sure how many are going to the dinner, if it is only my narc, I will pull out, tired of rehearsing what to say, exhausted, after 2 years of politeness
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:12 PM   #18
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not perturbed, if I never had to see her again, I would prefer it, but no, I will not say it

not sure how many are going to the dinner, if it is only my narc, I will pull out, tired of rehearsing what to say, exhausted, after 2 years of politeness
If you're not perturbed, then leave it be instead of wanting to send her a follow-up text. You texted her once and she ignored you. You got your message across so there is no need to keep rehashing it with her.

There's three sides to every story with the third being the truth that is somewhere in the middle. There's more to this than what your posting. You have such an adverse reaction to her yet she planned 2 birthday dinners for you, both of which you had every right to say no to but you participated -- and she is such a horrible person? In that sense, maybe you need to check your boundaries. You can't control others, but you can control your own behavior.

A good idea to decline going to the party if she affects you this much.
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:15 PM   #19
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If you're not perturbed, then leave it be instead of wanting to send her a follow-up text. You texted her once and she ignored you. You got your message across so there is no need to keep rehashing it with her.

There's three sides to every story with the third being the truth that is somewhere in the middle. There's more to this than what your posting. You have such an adverse reaction to her yet she planned 2 birthday dinners for you, both of which you had every right to say no to but you participated -- and she is such a horrible person? In that sense, maybe you need to check your boundaries. You can't control others, but you can control your own behavior.

A good idea to decline going to the party if she affects you this much.
I never realized she was a narc til a few months ago, so went to my birthdays, open-minded

am considering not going to my friend's birthday, just to avoid the narc, and want to not go, do not know which way to turn, go not go.... all round my head

Last edited by darkmoon; 29th January 2018 at 1:18 PM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:20 PM   #20
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am considering not going, and want to not go, do not know which way to turn, go not go.... all round my head
Based on your postings, I would say don't go.

If you can't walk in there with indifference and self-control but rather charged with resentment and anger, the best thing you can do for yourself is avoid it and work on better managing your emotions when it comes to her.

The thing is you won't even be able to enjoy the evening because your inner self will be consumed by your spite for her.
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:20 PM   #21
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If going in you don't KNOW that you can attend & keep your cool, don't go.

I attended several things where my nemesis would be knowing that I could successfully ignore her but that I had support if she got physical. Mine was known to get violent. Every time I successfully avoid her even if sometimes I had to make abrupt 180 degree turns to do it. I certainly wasn't casual about it.
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:24 PM   #22
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Based on your postings, I would say don't go.

If you can't walk in there with indifference and self-control but rather charged with resentment and anger, the best thing you can do for yourself is avoid it and work on better managing your emotions when it comes to her.

The thing is you won't even be able to enjoy the evening because your inner self will be consumed by your spite for her.
I feel no spite resentment or anger, had done that is true, hence the problem now of either avoiding her, or being polite but stressed again, 2 years of this is a long time

I just feel a need to handle a narc, or decide not to go

I had decided to give her the slip and not go, but am in 2 minds now

Last edited by darkmoon; 29th January 2018 at 1:27 PM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:32 PM   #23
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I feel no spite resentment or anger, had done that is true, hence the problem now of either avoiding her, or being polite but stressed again, 2 years of this is a long time

I just feel a need to handle a narc, or decide not to go

I had decided to giver her the slip and not go, but am in 2 minds now
I don't understand the bold. You handle yourself -- not someone else. If she gets in your way, walk away. If she talks to you, be cordial and then excuse yourself. You're making it sound like something out of a reality show on TV with women screaming at each other and pulling hair.

It is evident that she affects you in a negative way. In that sense, it would be best to avoid the party. Two years is a long time -- maybe it is time to sever that tie and that would mean NC and avoiding her as much as possible -- that is if you can't seem to enforce proper boundaries with her and haven't had any success with finding your indifference with her.
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:49 PM   #24
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it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good
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I feel no spite resentment or anger,
These two statements don't jive.

Without using the word "narc" or "narcissist" can you describe the worst thing she's ever done to you?
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:52 PM   #25
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I don't understand the bold. You handle yourself -- not someone else. If she gets in your way, walk away. If she talks to you, be cordial and then excuse yourself. You're making it sound like something out of a reality show on TV with women screaming at each other and pulling hair.

It is evident that she affects you in a negative way. In that sense, it would be best to avoid the party. Two years is a long time -- maybe it is time to sever that tie and that would mean NC and avoiding her as much as possible -- that is if you can't seem to enforce proper boundaries with her and haven't had any success with finding your indifference with her.
I would cancel if there was not a second event (after friend's birthday) where she will be, we both have to go

yes, find my indifference, but she will analyze me and her regardless ok

am a grown woman, articulate, gentle, honest too, as I tell her, steer her, into getting off my back, not that I will say it like that to her, a difficult convo, but do-able, if taken aslowly
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