Let down on Birthday!

[Hungryhorse]

Really upset by a situation, have had a best friend for years but she always puts me bottom of her list. We generally meet up once a week for approximately 2 hours for a drink, every time I see her she always wants to get away, can't understand why but anyone is more important than me i.e. her giving her time to some distant relic of her husbands family, some cousin she hasn't seen for ages, some former boyfriend who treated her like rubbish, one that used her for sex and nothing else, one that was gay and spent all her money she spent 10 years avoiding me with him, even he was more worthy of spending her time with than me! It is my birthday on Friday and last week she said we'd meet up then last night I received a text from her to say "hope you don't mind bit snowed under with paper work for students tutor and nieces wedding prep fro weekend can we leave this week and meet next week hope all well X X X" this niece she hasn't seen for years and there is no preparation apart from reading something in church which her niece has given her, I know that. I am just particularly upset that she can't even be bothered for my birthday. Most people generally make an effort for someone's birthday. I haven't texted back because I feel so completely upset. She has no friends except myself. Last week I met her at 7.40 and by 9.00 she said she thought she would see if a taxi would come earlier - obviously I was so boring! Why do I stick with her is because guess my own social life is so completely lousy and finding friends at 38 don't come easily plus I have tried places to meet new people with little success. What do you think I should do re this friend, text her back "no problem, look forward to seeing you next week" or just not bother. Then she will start ignoring me, I know because she has done it before over something similar. Non contact won't work as basically I don't' honestly think she really gives a toss in fact sometimes think she likes the situation of ignoring me, at least then she has some information to pass on to her husband! I just don't feel I can win. Feel p....d off but to be honest if I don't text back some "no worries, see you next week" (huh don't worry its was only my birthday!) kind of thing I will have gained nothing just lost a friend. Also I always buy her some really nice present or ask her what she wants, I would just feel embarrassed to give some of the dreadful pieces of rubbish she passes on but she returns it with something that looks like she got it out of the back of her cupboard after wearing it for 5 years.

 

Was wondering if anyone had experienced anything similar or if they could tell me what they would do in this situation. Would really really appreciate it.

 

Ps I don't have a boyfriend either, going through a bad patch of dating, unfortunately they all seem to behave in just the same way perhaps it is all I can expect, just find it really upsetting.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Relationships, whether romantic or platonic require effort on the part of each person. This woman doesn't sound like much of a friend. I'd cut my losses and move on, as hard as that might be.

 

After my divorce five years ago, I decided that I really needed to find some single female friends, since most of mine were married and I always felt like a third wheel. So I joined a bunch of volunteer groups for singles. Most major cities have several to choose from. It's free, you'll have fun doing service events, and you'll meet new like-minded people....you might even meet a man. If there are any sports you enjoy, even walking or hiking, there are clubs for those things too. Womens' book clubs are another option. Check the internet for meetup events for various interests. I got back involved with politics and have made a lot of close friends that way. You can do this....just put yourself out there.

[millefiori]

Hey, I'm sorry about how you feel. I know how it feels when you want to befriend someone and this person doesn't care about you at all. Cut your losses and meet new people. I used to feel bad when people didn't reciprocrate the same interest in me as I did for them. I tried it a couple of times and then dumped them. And you know what? I met better friends.

 

Give your friend a polite reply and then drop off the face of the earth. Don't buy her such expensive gifts anymore. Get her something small if you have to. I hate to give gifts that I don't like, but after I got a couple of gifts that I didn't like that much either, I also don't worry too much anymore. I usually get something nice and small and that's it.

 

I also must say, clinging to people because you don't know anybody else is not going to attract them more to you. Your friend probably senses that you're a bit desperate and you're more sticking with her because you're lonely and not because you're really interested in her. How could you, she treats you bad. Respect yourself first, then others can respect you.

 

Your problem is your friend, but also your fear of being lonely and not meeting anybody else. Your fears prevent you from going out, meeting new people and developing an interesting life. This is what makes you unattractive to your friend and who could blame her. I won't go further defending your friend though, because if she really was your friend and interested in your well-being, she would support you a bit more to develop as a person. Obviously she just does what is necessary to not make you feel really bad, but she's also not going to be really supportive.

 

In any case though, the responsibility to improve your life is in your hands. If you're too shy, too insecure, too self-conscious, your life won't improve. I did have people trying to make me open up, but I was too self-centered to see it. You will meet few people who fully understand you and who can guide you through life. Most of the time, you will get a little bit of help, but it's on you to make the changes. Those who don't have the luck to have understanding and supportive parents or friends will have to learn somehow to stand up on their own. If you're willing though you will find support everywhere, like here on this messageboard.