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My friend wants to hang out only when her partner isn't there?


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Old 27th December 2017, 11:15 PM   #1
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My friend wants to hang out only when her partner isn't there?

Not sure which category this goes into, but I'm sure moderators will be kind enough to put it in the right place.

I've recently reconnected with a friend I haven't seen in years due to travelling etc. She's been with her bf for about 10 years now. They're a wonderful couple, and both great people. When we hang out at her place though, she only invites me when he's not there. We've all hung out together when he actually comes home, and I enjoy that company.

When you're in a longterm relationship, is it normal to want to separate friends and your partner? She mentioned that it's weird hanging out with friends when "family" is around, meaning her partner is family. But.... isn't that strange or is it just me?

Obviously there are some things that you speak about privately between friends, but I loved when my exes were around when my friends were. It made the "family" even bigger, you know what I mean?

So I was just curious for those who have lived with a partner for many years. Do you also find it awkward when your partner and friends are together in the same room? Do you prefer to hang out with your friends and partner separately?
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:41 AM   #2
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Yes I think there is usually a desire to see old friends individually. If you had a friends relationship with someone in the past, then that was an original friend and your partner is effectively an interloper. You might well welcome your partner to meet the old friend but surely there would be times when you would rather just catch up on old times, share old stories, and not have to worry whether the partner feels left out or not.

If it was a female friend, I would still feel the same. We'd want time together to catch up on what we'd been doing and to go over familiar times spent together. I'm sure a partner would find that boring.
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:52 AM   #3
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Quote:
So I was just curious for those who have lived with a partner for many years. Do you also find it awkward when your partner and friends are together in the same room?
Can't ever recall that when married. Ours was an open door. However, if my exW did choose to interact with friends privately I didn't know nor would have pried. IMO partners/spouses are entitled to privacy and personal interactions. If they can't maintain appropriate boundaries, well out they go.
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Do you prefer to hang out with your friends and partner separately?
IME, it was always a group thing. I even invited my exW to drink beers with the guys after work at the shop and she'd often join us and sometimes was the only woman there. She fit in great with the guys. Never an issue. Same with personal (non-work) friends, male or female. Sure, sometimes we might meet/interact without my spouse around but that was logistics rather than by design or preference. She was always welcomed. I don't ever recall feeling unwelcome either.
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:42 AM   #4
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It varies.

She wants you all to herself & then she wants him all to herself or perhaps he's not all that crazy about you.

If you enjoy spending time with her, continue. Don't worry about her relationship
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Old 28th December 2017, 3:51 PM   #5
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I'd be grateful. She probably just wants some girl time. Listen, not every guy is a good one to share with your friends. One, he may have no interest in sitting around with chatty women. Two, he may be jealous she even has friends and make it hard for her to have them except when he's busy. I WISH my friends would separate me from their partners and give me one-on-one time because I reserve my personal talk to old friends and don't consider their partners should be privy to my more personal stuff.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:17 PM   #6
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There may be lots of reasons.

He may not want to hang about with her "friends" and has told her so.
He may find you in particular annoying.
He may be too busy for girly "chit chat".
She may just want one on one girl time.
She may have something to share with you eventually that she doesn't want him to know.
Maybe he has a tendency to monopolise her friends and take over the conversation.
May be he has already cheated on her with a "friend" and she wants to keep you separate.
Maybe he already told her he "likes" you a lot.
He may not like her having friends at all.
He maybe can sometimes embarrass her with bad behaviour in front of guests, swearing, getting drunk, arguing etc.
She may be seeing you behind his back as she knows he would never allow it.
Seemingly "great guys" can sometimes be nightmares behind closed doors...
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:43 PM   #7
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^ all of the above. She also might not trust you with him. I have to admit I think it's weird you care, unless it's meaning you never get to see her.
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Old 30th December 2017, 8:05 PM   #8
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Hopeful30,

Your intuition is telling you, correctly, that this is not an optimal situation for your friend.

It is NOT optimal (for anyone) to need to separate one's supposed 'friends' from one's supposed 'life' partner. One or the other is not supporting one's own Divine Personality and/or Divine Plan.

For you, however, (which is the crux and nexus of your post), you obviously do have the intuitive insight to have 'seen' or 'intuited' or 'figured this out' (for yourself and on your friend's behalf). So, it is up to you to be honest and transparent enough to have a true conversation with your friend about your insights into this situation/initiation that your friend is facing.

You do not HAVE to put yourself on the line, in that way, if you don't want to - but, after whatever you decide, you can no longer pretend (to yourself or to others) that you did not know.
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Old 31st December 2017, 2:14 PM   #9
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One of my best friends is male, and has been for over 10 years, very platonic and never has been anything more, nor are we interested in more. We only see each other very occasionally, and spend a few hours catching up on our lives and relationships, etc. Most of the time I am single when it happens. If I was serious with someone, I'm sure it would be perfectly fun for all of us to hang out. However, our conversation is more productive and interesting if it's only he and I. So we really prefer it that way but it doesn't mean we would never invite a GF or BF along. We both struggle in finding satisfying relationships but when we do one day it will likely become a double date situation just to keep it balanced out.

So I think that she just enjoys your company most when it's only the two of you. Different story if it's behind her husband's back then something else might be happening there.
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