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Standing up to best friend, who is also ex-boyfriend... how?


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Old 18th December 2017, 3:11 PM   #1
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Question Standing up to best friend, who is also ex-boyfriend... how?

Hello all! I used to post a long time ago, I couldn't log in with my last username. I can't remember, it was like 5-6 years ago maybe?

But now I'm lonely, and while that's ok with me, I still need advice and perspective from real people.

So, my ex. We were 10 yrs together. Broke up, he left me for a girl 20 years younger. 4 years later he breaks up with her, he looks me up, I had already forgiven him and we started an amazing friendship, going on almost a year now.

I really love him, I will never stop, but not in a romantic or sexual way anymore. I'm drifting, the point is his "flaws", that I usually overlooked while together, are starting to drive me insane.

Most importantly:
1. Neediness and the belief that I am responsible for making his problems go away, and always magically know what's wrong with him, and always fix it. He lashes out every time I am unable to know what's wrong and fix it.
2. Intensity... he's just way too loud, and he can get very angry. I am at a point in my life where I need peace.

And, the one that needs help for me ASAP:
3. He wants me to clean his house.

Yes, you read that right. HE WANTS ME TO CLEAN HIS HOUSE. He does plenty for me and I do plenty for him, but this to me for some reason is unacceptable. His situation right now is not ideal, many problems and issues, depression, stuff like this. And having his house a mess, he says, makes him miserable and he can't even bear to start cleaning. I understand. But asking me to do this really bothers me. I am in no place myself that is ideal, I don't even have MY home clean and tidy. I just don't like to clean.

It's hard for me because while I feel like I want to help him in any way I can, this just... well, I just don't want to. I don't know what to do, because like I said, he holds me responsible and is very sensitive and lashes out in a horrible way. It's like I can't say no, I'm afraid.

Does this make sense? What could I do? I don't want to clean his house, ever, and I'm starting to avoid him because I just can't do it. Please, ANY advice or comment is very welcome.

PS. Hired help is not an option on the table for him. Flat out refuses.
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:19 PM   #2
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Wow your bf is crazy!

Would you consider helping him clean his house together if he helps you clean yours ?
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:27 PM   #3
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Good one!

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Originally Posted by Purepony View Post
Wow your bf is crazy!

Would you consider helping him clean his house together if he helps you clean yours ?
Hahahaha now there's an idea! I think I would, maybe if he did it first. Then again, I wouldn't like him going through my private stuff... you know? From my thongs to well, all the things one keeps to oneself.

But, it would be interesting to propose it, see how he responds to that.
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Old 18th December 2017, 9:17 PM   #4
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He's decided you're his mother, on every level. He gets mad if you can't "fix it." He thinks cleaning is your duty. Listen, it's all on you to say NO. You have to learn to just tell him no, and you should tell him loudly and leave no doubt in his mind about it. Tell him no. Hire a maid. It's not my problem. If you have to give up whatever little thing he's doing for you, so be it. You've got to learn to say no. It's ridiculous. he sounds like a spoiled child.
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Old 19th December 2017, 11:46 AM   #5
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Yes

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He's decided you're his mother, on every level. He gets mad if you can't "fix it." He thinks cleaning is your duty. Listen, it's all on you to say NO. You have to learn to just tell him no, and you should tell him loudly and leave no doubt in his mind about it. Tell him no. Hire a maid. It's not my problem. If you have to give up whatever little thing he's doing for you, so be it. You've got to learn to say no. It's ridiculous. he sounds like a spoiled child.
Yes, he has been a spoiled child in some ways since I've known him for 15+ years. And you don't say this directly but I can sense you know he has mother issues. And yes, I really need to learn to say no. I actually do say no to other things to him, but it's for things I know won't upset him and send him into an oversensitive angry behavior towards me. It's a little complicated, because while I know we are each responsible for our own lives, he just doesn't get that (or he gets its but like a child refuses to acknowledge it). Yes, I do need to say no, without doubt, I just need to know how to minimize fallout.
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Old 19th December 2017, 1:29 PM   #6
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What you need to do is just walk away if you tell him no and he gets angry. Seriously. Don't enable that nastiness. He's a bully. Tell him no and use some anger of your own and don't act afraid and just say, "Tom, that's never going to happen. Take care of your own dang self. I'm not your mother and you need to grow up." If he throws a fit, walk out. Just don't stick around for bad behavior. You should never reward bad behavior by tippy-toeing around because that taught him it works with you.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 3:03 PM   #7
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Thanks

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What you need to do is just walk away if you tell him no and he gets angry. Seriously. Don't enable that nastiness. He's a bully. Tell him no and use some anger of your own and don't act afraid and just say, "Tom, that's never going to happen. Take care of your own dang self. I'm not your mother and you need to grow up." If he throws a fit, walk out. Just don't stick around for bad behavior. You should never reward bad behavior by tippy-toeing around because that taught him it works with you.
I know. You're right. I will definitely consider this, but I certainly don't want him out of my life. And that could very well happen.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 4:09 PM   #8
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No-one unless sick or disabled would ask a friend to clean their house.
Even then most would employ a cleaner.
I guess he would not be asking if you were a man.

He is abled bodied and there is no reason he cannot clean his own house, but if he really stuck then why doesn't he ask that lovely young lady he left you for, to help him clean...
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:50 PM   #9
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If you give into him and clean his house, neither of you will respect you.

Don't do it. He can throw his mantrum elsewhere.
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Old 31st December 2017, 3:14 PM   #10
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Lol!

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No-one unless sick or disabled would ask a friend to clean their house.
Even then most would employ a cleaner.
I guess he would not be asking if you were a man.

He is abled bodied and there is no reason he cannot clean his own house, but if he really stuck then why doesn't he ask that lovely young lady he left you for, to help him clean...

That's why they broke up, because she wouldn't clean the house.
For real!
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Old 31st December 2017, 3:17 PM   #11
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If you give into him and clean his house, neither of you will respect you.

Don't do it. He can throw his mantrum elsewhere.
I think he wouldn't not respect me. Quite the opposite actually. As for me... I wouldn't lose my self-respect, but I would resent him.

But I agree, I can't do it.
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Old 31st December 2017, 4:26 PM   #12
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If you give into him and clean his house, neither of you will respect you.

Don't do it. He can throw his mantrum elsewhere.
This is a very good point. He doesn't respect you now and he can't respect you as long as you let him run all over you. I think you need to stand up for yourself and if it turns out he's such a butt that that ends his friendship, then who needs that kind of friend anyway? Chances are he'll puff up and get over it. Because who wants to be friends with him but you?

I just saw that about he broke up with his gf because she wouldn't clean house. Why would you want to be friends with someone who just wants a maid?? He thinks you're below him and should be his servant. Nah.
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Old 31st December 2017, 5:35 PM   #13
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Why doesn't he ask his young gf to clean his house? She probably has more energy than both of you. I agree that he treats you as if you are his mother.
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Old 1st January 2018, 3:41 AM   #14
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I just don't understand why you want to be friends with this guy. He dumped you for another woman and then he called you up 4yrs later when the pretty young thing didn't serve him as he wished. Do you not see that he only called you to use you? He couldn't handle being alone and dealing with his issues so he figured he'd look you up and dump his sorry problems on you. How can you stand being friends with this guy?
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:45 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by geillis View Post
I actually do say no to other things to him, but it's for things I know won't upset him and send him into an oversensitive angry behavior towards me. It's a little complicated, because while I know we are each responsible for our own lives, he just doesn't get that (or he gets its but like a child refuses to acknowledge it). Yes, I do need to say no, without doubt, I just need to know how to minimize fallout.
I don't know how you call this a friendship. I think there's more to just a "friendship" that keeps you tied to him. I'm sure he treated you this way during the time you were in a relationship with him and you now still tolerate poor behavior.

If you desire someone like him as a friend, then at least learn to draw boundaries and maintain a level of self-respect.
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