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Was I too harsh to my friend?


LotusAvx

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This is regarding a childhood friend who I still am friends with today and have been very close with for many years.

 

She has been dating this guy on and off for the past three years. They have a very tumultuous relationship and have been breaking up and getting back together every couple weeks for the past three years. I have constantly been there to console her and help her through these "break ups", which would normally last a couple weeks before they got back together. The minute they would get back together, I wouldn't hear as much from her.

 

This whole situation has gotten to be incredibly annoying, to see her keep putting herself in the same situation. So yesterday, they broke up again and she texted me as usual telling me what happened.

 

I texted her "You need to have more respect for yourself and stop putting yourself in the same situation. The same thing has happened to you for three years and it's frustrating to see it keep happening. If you get back with him again, I don't want to hear anything about the next time you break up. I know this is harsh but I want to the best for you but this is beyond ridiculous to allow this to keep happening."

 

As a friend, is it fair of me to say this? That I don't want to hear anymore. I have honestly given her the exact same advice every time they break up and there is only so much I can say, it's so frustrating. Not to mention, the guy she keeps getting back together with is a complete jerk.

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Yes. It was harsh.

 

Yes. it is frustrating to be a friend to someone who goes through this kind of thing all the time.

 

You may want to consider apologizing to your friend for your words and just tell her you were not thinking straight and had lack of sleep and to not take your words too heart.

 

Some peoples relationship are like that of your friend. As you say, its been going on for 3+ years, so obviously that's how that relationship works for that couple. Is it healthy and is it right or wrong is not for us to judge.

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I think it would sound harsh if your friend had only broken up with the guy a couple of times in three years, but it sounds like they have broken up too many times to count. Every few weeks is what you say in your post. That is ridiculous and I don't blame you one bit for being sick of hearing about it. It also sounds like your friend only contacts you when wants to moan and whine about her boyfriend. She uses you for emotional support but is no where to be found otherwise. That's not a real friend. I think what you said in your text is just fine.

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Breaking up and getting back together every few weeks over the span of three years and seeking you out when times are bad and distant when it's good?

 

Good for you for telling her like it is. Coddling, enabling and sugarcoating does not do anything for someone like her. At some point you end your responsibility as her crutch and allow her to fall on her own and learn the hard way.

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You are being a good friend. Sometimes the words we need the most are not the ones that we want to to hear. If she is as good as a friend as you think she is to you, then she will still be your friend after this is all over. But it is not fair that you have to be her emotional pillar when all things are good, and then she goes ahead and drops you once things are good with her ex again. This relationship is not healthy and you have called her out in this behavior.

 

See how she responds, no matter what it is, it will be less stress on your end once things blow over.

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I texted her "You need to have more respect for yourself and stop putting yourself in the same situation. The same thing has happened to you for three years and it's frustrating to see it keep happening. If you get back with him again, I don't want to hear anything about the next time you break up. I know this is harsh but I want to the best for you but this is beyond ridiculous to allow this to keep happening."

 

The first half is perfectly reasonable - I understand why you're frustrated. The second half is probably a bit harsh though.

 

A good friend should be there when the going gets tough, but also be ready to call you out when you keep repeating mistakes. You're being harsh not because you're mean, but because you care for her, and I hope she can see it that way. She will either listen and ditch this guy for good, or not listen and learn the hard way.

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No, not too harsh. Being there for a friend in need is one thing, but being there over and over again while they make the same mistakes becomes impossible to continue.

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