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Should I keep this person as a friend or no?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 6th November 2017, 1:49 PM   #1
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Should I keep this person as a friend or no?

So here is the situation. I'm male, 40s, and have a girl "friend" that I feel is abandoning me and it's really hurtful and frustrating. She throws me breadcrumbs and now I'm wondering if I should just stop responding to her. Need some advice.
Here is the story. I met this girl "friend" at party a few years ago. Let's call her Matilda. We kind of hit if off and began dating. We dated for about a month. What I most liked was talking to her. We really connected mentally. She has a very caring and consoling tone about her.

Well after a month the romantic part wasn't really working for me. So I had a talk with her and asked if we could just be friends. She agreed. For the next year we talked occasionally, maybe every other week. And we'd get together every few months to talk or go to a dating party together (we were both single. still are) or whatever. Totally just friends.

Then recently I broke up with this girl I was in love with and dating. See my post below (and feel free to comment on that situation too). So my friend Matilda knew I was dating her. I told her about it a few times and expressed some of my frustrations about her to Matilda during the time we were dating. In the three months I was dating this new girl Matilda and I probably talked once a week.

So once I broke up, my "friend" Matilda asked how I was doing. I told her straight up that I was really effed up about it. Really heartbroken. She was supportive at first but I kind of started feeling a possible conflict-of-interest. What I mean by that, is that Matilda really liked me when we were dating and even though we were just being friends I didn't want to make her feel bad that I was in love with this girl and maybe she would think "oh why wasn't he in love with me?" or whatever. I mean this may be all in my head but I was aware that she could have those thoughts. Why wasn't I good enough for you? Those type of things. She never said anything like that but I was worried she may feel bad. Because we dated once I just kinda felt weird about getting too far into my feelings about this new girl with her.

Anyway I did it anyway. I poured my guts out to Matilda about this new girl that I newly broke up with. I told her the story in detail and how heartbroken I was. She was supported and talked to me almost daily for about a week. Then she started pulling back. She stopped texting me asking how I'm doing. She would get busy with family and her kids and I wouldn't hear from her for days. It was really hurtful and frustrating to me because at my biggest time of need, I felt like she was abandoning me. I had even asked if she wanted to hang out for a weekend. It would be helpful for me to not be alone. She kinda blew me off and never made plans with me.

Now for the last week and a half she reaches out then wants to talk about problems she's having with her kids. I help her. I helped her a lot with advice. So I am being a friend TO her. I just don't feel like I'm getting the same in return. I feel like she abandoned me in time of desperate need. I'm still hurting from the breakup and she rarely talks to me (Matilda). She texted me on Sunday, "How was your weekend"? I sent back some generic reply like, "Fine how was yours?". What I really wanted to say is , "I'm depressed, broken and hurting. I need You". But I don't feel like she cares and I feel like I'd overwhelm her. I feel like she is not a REAL friend.

Thoughts? Should I just stop responding to her?

Here is my breakup story btw:


Did I do the right thing breaking up with her?
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Old 7th November 2017, 4:28 AM   #2
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If she has a romantic interest in you, then it will be hurtful for her to hear about how much you are hurting over another women. It is not the same conversation as I'm having trouble with my kids at the moment. If you know she has feelings for you, it is quite insensitive to require emotional support from her regarding other relationship failures. She is probably only hanging around in the hope you will change your mind about her anyway, so in that way no she is probably not a 'real friend'. The best thing you could do is find another friend to talk to about this.
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Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full for language & ideas, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense. - Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī
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Old 7th November 2017, 7:51 AM   #3
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You know you picked the wrong person to confide in. This is why you can't be "friends" with an EX. Even though your romance was short, it was still something she wanted but you didn't. She was polite as possible while you were being cruel, spilling your guts to her about your failed romance with another woman.

If you had another kind of problem, I suspect she'd be there for you. But she just can't take this problem any more.

Go back to your old once in a while routine. Pour your heart out about your BU to anybody else.

Then carry on with the friendship.

N.B. If she came on here asking for advice I would tell her not to be friends with you. You are being cruel to her not understanding why she can only take so much of hearing about your failed relationship.
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Old 7th November 2017, 9:02 AM   #4
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By your own account, she was very supportive for a week; probably it was uncomfortable for her to hear about your feelings for your recent ex, but she stepped up to the plate without complaint and gave you the support that you needed to get through the worst of it. That's the hallmark of a good friend.

You're aware that it wasn't the best idea to pour all of your relationship woes onto this one friend, given your history. It sounds like she came to a decision that it was healthier for her and the friendship to pull back a bit and return to your usual dynamic (and I agree with her). Maybe in this moment you feel that's selfish but I think she's shown some healthy restraint and boundaries. I've noticed with more empathic, supportive types is that sometimes people in their lives, unintentionally and at times intentionally, expect more from them than they would expect from others. Thank her for being there for you but take your relationship troubles to other friends or family.
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