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23 years of best friendship ended


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 5th November 2017, 4:26 AM   #1
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23 years of best friendship ended

Ill try to make it short.

Its been one year since i dont talk to this person who was my best friend since i was 7 until 30 when we stopped talking.

He is the kind of person that always has to have the last word and always will think he knows everything better than everybody else. Also complains about wanting to leave this island because its boring bla bla but didnt put much effort into working a bit to save money and leave, until recently (it seems he has a job now).

I always, year after year, tried to convince him to study something or get a job. He started seeing me as annoying. To put you in situation, here its easy to find a job as a lifeguard on summer, i could have pulled strings to get him hired by my boss but he just said "no i dont want to work as a lifeguard one more summer AND i want to make more money"... but meanwhile he did nothing, barely applied for jobs, didnt study, didnt work. i said "man, everybody wants more money, but if theres no other jobs, you have to pick what there is like it or not". One day we agree to have his lifeguard license renewed, i go pick him up and he is in bed because hes been playing videogames all night. I went back to my car, but then said to myself, "you know what? im gonna get him out of bed and we will take him to the office to renew his license" He came out all grumpy... In the end we could renew it because of some paperwork needed, but that day seemed to be the beginning of the end.

He always knows better, but he is the best example that talking without acting doesnt solve anything.



Im the kind of person that i always say my honest opinion even if you wont like it, there was this day when we were having a discussion about this, things got heated (no insults but i got EVERYTHING out of my chest) and since then we havent talked, almost a year has passed. I not only said he was a talker that didnt do anything, also said that he looks the same as he was when he was 20, no significant advance in his life, i even told him that he was still dressing as a 18 year old. Also when he went to """study""" to another city on one of his mother's apartment, his flatmate told me how they were all day partying, smoking, drinking and/or playing videogames until night, but my friend denies that and for some reason her mother believes him, who is on his side now (she wont talk to me either)

I know its his life and his choice, but hes a good friend and hes very intelligent, he can do way better than this and it hurts me to see how years pass and he does nothing (but says he does)

I know that his pride wont make him come to me, so it would have to be me to go and... apologize? Should i text him and approach slowly? Like "hey, whats up"
Should i wait more?

Last edited by warp123; 5th November 2017 at 4:37 AM..
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Old 5th November 2017, 5:43 AM   #2
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hello warp123,

no, I wouldn't bother with this friend, let him drain other people's good will...it sounds as though this partnership has run its time.

its not what you expect when friendships you thought were good or have stood the test of time fail; but this doesn't sound like he's tested anything over the years but your patience! (albeit in a slow drip drip kind of way).

sometimes you just have to step back and let others see the mistakes they are making and let them know just how their actions have affected the friendship you once knew and enjoyed.

never mind about his pride, he is not a child.

you've done the right thing to get everything off your chest and tell him what's what. not offering him work was probably a wise thing to do as well; had the work not gone to plan or had he been unreliable (as you have already said he is), then it could have reflected badly on you with others around you and your colleagues.

it sounds as though you could still try to do everything for this man and he still wouldn't get it!

leave him to his own devises; he obviously knows "everything" anyway so any future problems will be easy to solve wont they!!!...

if he can't even grow up enough to get back in touch with you to talk about what's gone on and why; or apologise like an adult; then why waste your time on someone that not only sounds a bit lazy and unrealistic, but who isn't that bothered changing things for himself, or between you both!

this man is dragging you down and I suspect the fact that you got it off your chest the way you did was a sign that this has been building up for a while now and you couldn't hold your thoughts any longer - and so when it went too far for you he flicked a switch and off you went.

I don't think this man is going to change to be honest with you, and even if he does; it's going to be some time before that happens. if it were me I wouldn't waste anymore time on this person, you've given him chances and friendship but you are at a different stage mentally from this man. just concentrate giving your time to people who will communicate on a level that is healthier for you.

he's getting by (just) because he knows he can, but I suspect the people and opportunities he is clinging to will not be there for him forever. no-body likes to feel used or that they are banging their heads on a brick wall when others wont give them the courtesy of listening to what they are trying to say.

there seems little compromise here, but I am also aware that I am only going on one side here...but the bottom line is that you've spoken honestly with him and that's all you can do.

having said all that (because I don't know the details or this man); but if somewhere down the road you do decide to let him back into your life, then maybe set more bounderies on this friendship and keep it more as an acquaintance type of friendship, where get-togethers' are only once in a while, rather than the committed, balanced friendship that he doesn't seem capable of giving you.

well that's my thoughts about your post.

I'm sure you already know that this man is a bit of a pain and you are better to move on and let him make his own mistakes, as he will feel the actions of his behaviours when he's had time to consider his part in it all much more than if you keep spelling it out to him.

good wishes, maxi; ps, trust me, there will be someone else that he will be able to hang out with (who is also an emotional drain) that I'm sure he will get on with just fine!!!! so let him go and find them... and then you'll both be a lot happier

cya.
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Old 5th November 2017, 5:51 AM   #3
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Thank you for your time writing a reply.

According to you, i did well. I sometimes wonder if i was too intrusive, i dont know. Its been 23 years, these people were like family. I have to pass to pass in front of his house with my car every time because he lives almost in the same street. I cannot stand him sometimes, but hes a really good person.

I told him that if he really wanted to move somewhere else, the only solution would be to lower his ego to begin with. So you understand him, ill give you an example: he made some sound technician course but didnt finish it, i think it was 3 or 4 years and just did half or less, but he goes around saying hes a sound technician like he firmly believes it. I told him that if he didnt finish, he is not. The conversation we had was stuff like this.
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Old 5th November 2017, 7:07 AM   #4
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hhmmm..again, I think I still stand by what my gut feelings were, you sound like a decent person.

its a shame that you have to see this person so locally and so near to your home; that makes it awkward; but in time maybe things can be stilted to either a more formal but courteous hello good bye as you would to an acquaintance, but if you don't really want the conversations across the fence, then just wave or nod as you bustle on in a busy way.

(he'll get the message, or if not he may try to talk to you to explain), either way I don't think this person is good for you, however nice or intelligent he is, he's draining you; and until that stops, I don't think that things will change.

you cant stand him at times, then that suggests an incompatibility.
friends irk us sometimes but we get them because we love them and can talk to them and they wont sound off in your face, but they'll put their perspective over.

you obviously are a thinker and someone who is quite empathetic, but I still think your thoughts and optimism are wasted in this situation as it stands at present.

I'm sure you could think of endless reasons and examples of why and what he does, but if he doesn't want to change himself or think for himself and acknowledge what he has done then its a waste of your worry and thoughts and time.

I cant comment about whether you were too intrusive because I just don't know your situation and you've known this person a long time.

maybe his confidence and self esteem are quite low, hence the delusion and big "iam"; but you have to ask yourself if you want to spend your time cossetting and mothering (a general doing term not gender meant) this person then he is never going to change and he will always irritate you.

thank you for getting back to me too. I don't think that I can add anymore to the post really, but you've thrown it out for others to read, so at least there's an opportunity to get more ideas of what others think and feel on the forum.

good luck with it, whatever you do decide to go along with. something tells me you are wavering a bit on this, but whether you stay or go, I think there is an unhealthy element to this relationship the way it is and has gone on in the latter parts of the friendship.

it sounds as though the friendship is a habit that you have or are beginning to acknowledge you have outgrown....and maybe that's why you feel a bit of guilt or uncertainty.

and like I say, I still think its time to move on.
it doesn't have to be a big drama, you can still say hi to his family and him if you feel it, it just doesn't have to be the same intensity that it once was in giving your time to him/them.

it is ok for people to move on from each other and grow in different ways, and from what you are saying, it sounds as though this is what is happening.

I'm sure his family will understand, if they ask you, just be honest and as kind as you can, failing that, just be very busy if there are any invites that you don't want.

but you've told him how you feel, so his family shouldn't really be surprised, and for all you know, they may also suspect that you two have really outgrown each other or are not as compatible any more.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over this guy, he will be ok, and if things get too difficult for him it will force him to assess his position to change things.

but until that day, don't be a soundboard or a victim of his behaviours if you don't like his behaviours or hearing him talk himself up all the time, its not healthy for anyone and wont do him any good either in the long run, it will just feed his ego and delusions further....and you are already tired of that side of him so why keep adding to it?

but that's it for me,i don't think I can add anymore to this at this point. just remember that old saying: you can lead a horse to water!!!!!!!!

best wishes with this. maxi
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Old 5th November 2017, 8:15 AM   #5
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I think i wont do nothing by now, or maybe ever. He knows where to find me.

Thanks again for your time
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Old 6th November 2017, 1:24 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by warp123 View Post
He is the kind of person that [...] always will think he knows everything better than everybody else.
You say this about him, but you sure have a lot of opinions on how he should be living his life.

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Originally Posted by warp123 View Post
Im the kind of person that i always say my honest opinion even if you wont like it, there was this day when we were having a discussion about this, things got heated (no insults but i got EVERYTHING out of my chest) and since then we havent talked, almost a year has passed. I not only said he was a talker that didnt do anything, also said that he looks the same as he was when he was 20, no significant advance in his life, i even told him that he was still dressing as a 18 year old.
You were pretty harsh to him and very judgmental about his life choices. If you're the kind of person who always says your opinion, even if you weren't asked for it, even if it hurts people - does that make you very honest or does that make you kind of a jerk? I tend to lean toward the idea that it makes you kind of a jerk. There is such a thing as stating your opinion with tact and purpose. I mean, what was the point of insulting the way he dresses? It seems like you were actually trying to tear him down and make him feel bad about himself.

I know it's frustrating to be friends with someone who complains yet does nothing to help his situation. You can try to gently help a friend achieve their goals to an extent, but you can't help someone who won't help themselves, so at some point you have to give up trying and either end the friendship or accept your friend for who they are.

It sounds like you want to be friends with him again, so I think you should start with an apology for speaking to him so harshly and see how it goes from there.
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Old 6th November 2017, 2:16 AM   #7
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Yes, be his friend.

Apologize for your part in it. No one likes criticism. Why should he live according to your standards? He's living his life - it's not your job to criticize him.

Let him be who he is. If you can't just love him - then don't reach out to him.

If you can't change then don't try being his friend.
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Old 6th November 2017, 2:28 AM   #8
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You say this about him, but you sure have a lot of opinions on how he should be living his life.



You were pretty harsh to him and very judgmental about his life choices. If you're the kind of person who always says your opinion, even if you weren't asked for it, even if it hurts people - does that make you very honest or does that make you kind of a jerk? I tend to lean toward the idea that it makes you kind of a jerk. There is such a thing as stating your opinion with tact and purpose. I mean, what was the point of insulting the way he dresses? It seems like you were actually trying to tear him down and make him feel bad about himself.

I know it's frustrating to be friends with someone who complains yet does nothing to help his situation. You can try to gently help a friend achieve their goals to an extent, but you can't help someone who won't help themselves, so at some point you have to give up trying and either end the friendship or accept your friend for who they are.

It sounds like you want to be friends with him again, so I think you should start with an apology for speaking to him so harshly and see how it goes from there.
The thing about dressing was part of the "its been XX years and you are still the same with no advances in your life", i put the dressing as an example because it was something tangible that you can see (since he cannot see untangible things like he hasnt progressed on studies or career), its not about how i care or not about the way he dresses. If have any kinds of friends, from guys with expensives clothes to rastafari and they are all the best to me, so i dont particularly care or attack his dressing style.


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Yes, be his friend.

Apologize for your part in it. No one likes criticism. Why should he live according to your standards? He's living his life - it's not your job to criticize him.

Let him be who he is. If you can't just love him - then don't reach out to him.

If you can't change then don't try being his friend.
Its not my standards, i dont care what job he chooses, i know he can be anything but does nothing but talking instead of acting. I try to give him a boost, giving ideas, helping him get a job... doesnt have to be what i want, dont care if he wants to be an astronaut or a gardener, im just sick of seeing him with 0 improves for the least 5-10 years when i know hes so capable of doing things, it hurts me.

He always knows and does better except for himself.

Last edited by warp123; 6th November 2017 at 2:35 AM..
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Old 6th November 2017, 2:41 AM   #9
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The thing about dressing was part of the "its been XX years and you are still the same with no advances in your life", i put the dressing as an example because it was something tangible that you can see (since he cannot see untangible things like he hasnt progressed on studies or career), its not about how i care or not about the way he dresses. If have any kinds of friends, from guys with expensives clothes to rastafari and they are all the best to me, so i dont particularly care or attack his dressing style.
Okay, you have your reasons for telling him that. But can you see that being on the receiving end of criticism on something petty (like your fashion choices) could be hurtful and feel like a low blow when you're already being criticized on all the other things about your life that are wrong? The whole thing was probably a lot for him to take in.


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it hurts me.
I know. It does hurt to see someone not live up to their potential. But like I said, there's only so much you can do. You have to let others live their lives the way they want to.
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Old 6th November 2017, 2:58 AM   #10
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The whole thing was probably a lot for him to take in.




I know. It does hurt to see someone not live up to their potential. But like I said, there's only so much you can do. You have to let others live their lives the way they want to.
I didnt want to "lower" him, actually give him some boost motivation to do something, i guess i chose the wrong words.
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:24 AM   #11
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I didnt want to "lower" him, actually give him some boost motivation to do something, i guess i chose the wrong words.
You obviously hurt his feelings.

Apologize and don't ever attempt to do it that way again.
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Old 6th November 2017, 5:37 AM   #12
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You obviously hurt his feelings.

Apologize and don't ever attempt to do it that way again.
I see where you are going, but do you really think it was the feelings? or you think it could be the fact that someone dares to go full force against his armor of ego?

His ability for self-criticism is ZERO, he always makes nothing of his failures but makes glory of his achivements (i hope you understand what i mean, sorry about my english).

A person like this cannot take people confronting him with truth (they only talk about him behind his back and they agree with me, i gave no names by the way)

Someone had to tell him and it was me.

Last edited by warp123; 6th November 2017 at 5:43 AM..
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Old 9th November 2017, 3:36 AM   #13
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The other day i saw him online on a program that you use to play online games and chat with friends.

I wrote him a simple "how are you?", he was online for 4-5 hours and didnt reply. Im pretty sure that he did read.
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