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how fussy are you when it comes to choosing friends?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 3rd November 2017, 2:26 PM   #1
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how fussy are you when it comes to choosing friends?

After learning the hard way that people do not change, I have grown less forgiving, because I know that I will be whatevered, let down, gossiped about, talked down to, sneered at, even told off for half an hour in a tirade that meant I could not even tell my side of the story, such was the word salad aimed at me over an expensive dinner in a restaurant.

If they do it once, or twice, I feel wised up, now. Sort of. So I am asking Loveshackers what you think, as I am doubting myself for refusing to put up with crap

I have just two friends now. They are reliable and seem to like me enough to phone and invite to stuff or chat, once/twice a week Two is not many, imo. I do have friend number three who lives out of town, an old friend who moved, so I see her just twice a year. Just two friends who live near me, though.

Any thoughts?

Last edited by darkmoon; 3rd November 2017 at 2:34 PM..
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Old 3rd November 2017, 2:37 PM   #2
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The older I get the more I live by the motto quality over quantity. And that applies to most everything in my life including friendships.

I would much rather have 2 incredible friends than 10 mediocre friends.

Just like any happy and healthy relationship, friendships need to be nurtured and reciprocated.

If you find friendships to be primarily one way or toxic in any way, perhaps it's time to retire them. I think it's very natural and common to outgrow some people. There is no shame in that nor having a small core group of besties.

Good luck.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 3:30 PM   #3
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trust takes time

I will talk to almost anybody & have a vast circle of acquaintances. But I wouldn't dream of depending on most of them or confiding in them. I am blessed with a wider circle of good, solid, reliable, dependable friends then many people have. As an adult I made a few friends but most of them turned out to be fair weather friends. The core group -- the ones I really count on -- trace back to high school & college. Those I know are stand up people -- we have all gotten on planes to be there for the others; driven hundreds of miles; we've been to weddings & too many funerals; there have been late night phones & rescues. Although I don't have kids, their kids know that we rely on each other & I have been the one to rescue their kids when they were in trouble if they couldn't etc.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 7:04 PM   #4
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If only people were as picky about choosing their relationships... they'll jump into bed with someone at a moments notice but just try asking any one of them if they'd like to be a friend. There's no greater sin.

If you have two or three good friends you can count on consider yourself rich. I'd feel blessed with just one, because they're rare as precious gems. You're doing better than good with your three, trust me.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 7:15 PM   #5
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I have very few people in my life that I trust. Most people are not trustworthy. I look for loyalty over almost every other quality. I invest heavily in long term relationships. My exBF and I are still great friends, but that relationship has lasted for almost two decades. I trust him, his wives (sort of), and my GFs. There's a couple of other people I'm close to, but not THAT close.

True friends are hard to find, and are more valuable than anything else this world has to offer. You are doing well with three.
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Old 6th November 2017, 6:29 AM   #6
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I am super lucky that most my friends have been great. I have the minor hicup here or there.

Its my love choices that are in question. It seems like I always choose a woman that is attached. I come into the situation blind and then find out after.

I also like having a lot of friends. I have the variety and I don't have to be in a situation, where I am with the same people all the time. Plus I have aquintances as well. I have 19 friends and then the rest are aquintances.

Last edited by Mysterio; 6th November 2017 at 6:35 AM..
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Old 6th November 2017, 7:18 AM   #7
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i can be friends with anyone but there are few i let in my close to my heart, i love to form lifelong friendships..heart level friendships where i am totally at ease


..it has been written that people come into your life for a reason a season or a song...ok i added that last bit i think i have mixed two quotes ..:0)...one is biblical the other dont know, think it has something to do with death

but i love the concept though of the union of being together for one sweet song....and seeing how you never really know why or when you are meant to meet people or how long you have on earth i will take friendship nearly always..who am i to deny a possible sweet friendship........and I try not to judge those i don't know..even if they are rough as guts...before knowing them yet..yet being an operative word....i believe people deserve to be treated like friends ...known or not...doesnt mean you give them a liver or a kidney off the bat...just a chance to be who they are....and so you hold your hand out in friendship...doesnt cost a cent and being vulnerable can lead you to the sweetest places....deb
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Old 6th November 2017, 7:59 AM   #8
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My rule is simple: if in someone's company I nearly always feel put down and disrespected, I will walk away without a problem.

I only have one friend that I truly trust and I have known her since primary school. Even though I moved to the other end of the world and we sometimes don't see each other for quite a while, if I called her right now and said "I got fired and I am broke, I need money and a place to stay", I would be sent a plane ticket to her country immediately.

I do have a wonderfully supportive family though and I trust them 100%. Both parents and siblings. I have always felt incredibly blessed to have them and my mum has always been my best friend. We text all day long and say "I love you" and "good night" every single night. Just in case there is no tomorrow, I want my mum to always know how loved she is

On the lighter side, I have plenty of acquaintances to do fun things with. I have very low expectations of them so am rarely disappointed. I have pretty much given up on finding another "true friend", seems to be just as hard as finding a "true boyfriend".
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Old 6th November 2017, 11:17 AM   #9
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I don't relate to the concepts of "fussy" and "choosing" when it comes to friendships.

They have developed organically and ultimately take nurturing and effort to sustain like other types of relationships do. Chemistry is involved, just not the sexual kind.

The behavior you described would not be acceptable to me. If the person was a close friend, I imagine we would get through it (if it were a one off).

Do you not have any enduring friendships that you've made over the years? I agree with quality over quantity, but 2 sounds a bit scarce. We need our friendships.
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Old 6th November 2017, 2:20 PM   #10
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hey Darkmoon good for you. I have about 3 great friends. I've cut 100s off over my lifetime. I have zero tolerance for anyone that breaks my motto. Below is my motto and it's a variation on a line from the movie Maddog and Glory. If a person is a TRUE friend it should not be hard to follow.

Don't ever f--k with me, lie to me, disrespect me, or underestimate me, if you do you will be dead to me in a New York minute. But if you come at me with your time, love, respect, friendship and support, I will always be there for you, drop everything for you when you are in crisis, and help to be the expediter of your dreams!

Oh PS this applies to dates too. I just broke up with a girl and I think she violated all 4!

Read the story here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...reaking-up-her

Last edited by JimmyNYC; 6th November 2017 at 2:23 PM..
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:38 PM   #11
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yeah. i agree. dont put up with just about anyone's elses crap -- we all have more than enough crap in our own lives.

i have different levels of friends. most are just friends you socialize with. i have a very small group of very close friends (under 5 i think) whom I have known for over 25+ years and i do and willing to listen to and put up with their crap just because they are close. but not anyone elses i know. i am not going to go and sit and listen to some guy i just casually know socially about his issues with his wife or kids. its understood that the friendship is based on social events and drinking. not anything intense or real.
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Old 6th November 2017, 8:56 PM   #12
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I have many aquaintences and 3 friends.

1. My bestie since we were 12/13. We have been through thick and thin. Deaths of parents, joys of life - we have shared it. We can barely for long periods, but we turn to each other first when we really need someone - we get each other and no judgement. We have been tight for over 25 years.

2. My good friend since college. Again been through a lot together - years have provided understanding and compassion. We are 18 years deep.

3. My husband - my daily best friend for the last 16 years.

For me - to get DEPTH I have to know someone for a very long time. While I am gregarious and outgoing, I am also very private.
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Old 14th November 2017, 12:27 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
I have many aquaintences and 3 friends.

1. My bestie since we were 12/13. We have been through thick and thin. Deaths of parents, joys of life - we have shared it. We can barely for long periods, but we turn to each other first when we really need someone - we get each other and no judgement. We have been tight for over 25 years.

2. My good friend since college. Again been through a lot together - years have provided understanding and compassion. We are 18 years deep.

3. My husband - my daily best friend for the last 16 years.

For me - to get DEPTH I have to know someone for a very long time. While I am gregarious and outgoing, I am also very private.


How is it that you live in the same city as your best friends of so many years?
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