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-   -   Lost a Friend Over Nothing (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/640221-lost-friend-over-nothing)

JBob76 26th October 2017 6:58 AM

Lost a Friend Over Nothing
 
Hi guys, so my story is that I have a friend whom I've known for 10 years now. We've always had a pretty good relationship, had lots of fun and so on. Lately I've been very busy so I haven't had the time to hang out. Suddenly out of nowhere (for me that is) he tells me I've been ignoring him and abusing our friendship like calling him only for favors. I got mad because I try to help my friends as much as they help me and actually I don't keep track of what I've done for whom and how many times. So now I've stopped all communication and I wonder should I call him? I don't think I have anything to apologize for, still he is an old friend that probably misunderstood not having time with ignoring him. What do you think?

1966Seahorse 26th October 2017 7:12 AM

Hi JBob76,

You have known this person a long time - 10 years;
You have always had a pretty good relationship;
You have had lots of fun together.

Based on these three statements ... if it was me ... yes, I would be inclined to contact him so you can both voice your side of things ... and, hopefully, it will be a misunderstanding that can easily be resurrected - I hope so anyway, 10 years is a long time for a friendship to be just written off.

I wish you well :)

1966Seahorse 26th October 2017 7:38 AM

Oh ... I forgot to add ...

I operate on usually giving people a chance to explain their actions ... so, yes, I would contact them!

anika99 26th October 2017 8:36 AM

It came out of nowhere for you but for your friend this has been brewing for awhile. You two need to have a talk and really listen to each other. He feels used and ignored. Feelings cannot be wrong or right, they just are, so there is no point in telling someone their feelings are wrong. It would be better to acknowledge his feelings and then elaborate on where you are coming from. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that my actions have left you feeling ignored. That was not my intent, I have just been really busy with x,y, and z."

That should open up a dialogue where the two of you can reach some sort of resolution, provided that you don't become overly defensive. Try to remember that your friend is not you and don't project what you think he should think and feel onto him. Some people are very sensitive to the way their friends treat them. Having a friend who becomes too busy to hang out with you but who still calls you for favours might be water off a duck's back to you but other people might not feel the same. Consider if there is any merit to what your friend has told you. How long have you been too busy to hang out?

It may have felt like he was unfairly lashing out at you but try looking at it from the perspective of him caring enough about your friendship to communicate his hurt feelings to you. If he didn't value your friendship he would have just thought to himself "screw that guy" and then distanced himself from you with nary a word. It's so hard to hear criticism especially when we feel like the criticism is totally unwarranted but it helps to remember that most people don't get angry or hurt feelings just for the fun of it. When someone tells you their unpleasant feelings they are basically reaching out and needing to feel like you care.

iVisa 26th October 2017 4:28 PM

I think you should try to explain this to your friends one more time and invite for some tea.

I had s similar situation, but I was this friend. I told my friend that she was ignoring me and didn't have a time. Half year? Really? This was our last conversation. I was waiting if she really some day send me a message "do you want to go out?", but she didn't... I understand we have diverse stage of acquaintance. I have a lot of friend with who I didn't meet for long time, but one day they sent me an invite. We have to try and make effort to have friends.

Good luck.

rachelangelo 26th October 2017 9:13 PM

It's always difficult when friendships that we really value get rocky. It seems to me like your friend has some trust issues. Even if you didn't do anything wrong, I always take the stance that it is best to apologize. In your friend's perception, he was done wrong. I would apologize. It will let you off the hook. However, I would also suggest that you set some boundaries with this friend. I'm not going to tell you to cut him off--that is only something you can decide--but I would suggest some healthy distance for awhile. Distance from a situation always gives us a clearer perspective. Giving yourself time also prevents you from doing something rash and acting out of emotions.

Nadine123 27th October 2017 3:21 PM

Hi :)

Im one of those people thats from the other side. The fact is your friend has been feeling like this for a while and it didnt just happen out of nowhere or for no reason.

I lost my best friend 2 months ago. For a while he has changed and I spoke to him about him but nothing changed. I also noticed he would only call if he wanted something or had noone to hang out with towards the end.

The only difference is he didnt try reaching out to me even though he knew I was upset. I would recommend contacting your best friend and give it one last go if you appreciate your friendship. I know I would if he reached out to me.

iVisa 27th October 2017 4:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadine123 (Post 7451850)
Hi :)

Im one of those people thats from the other side. The fact is your friend has been feeling like this for a while and it didnt just happen out of nowhere or for no reason.

I lost my best friend 2 months ago. For a while he has changed and I spoke to him about him but nothing changed. I also noticed he would only call if he wanted something or had noone to hang out with towards the end.

The only difference is he didnt try reaching out to me even though he knew I was upset. I would recommend contacting your best friend and give it one last go if you appreciate your friendship. I know I would if he reached out to me.

The same.

That's right.

JBob76 31st October 2017 9:55 AM

Thank you all for your opinions. Just to straighten things out it's been 2 months that I've been so busy and I don't have time to hang out not only with this guy but with none of my friends. And we've talked and I've said that I am sorry that we can't hang out but I have no time right now. Between work and the family when I finally finish everything that I have to do I just want to go to bed. And that's fine by me, there are moments like this in life. Anyway most of you think I should call him and I will, I just don't want to be judged again because of something that I don't understand. I fear that if I hear that judgmental voice on the other side again this time it'd be me lashing out :( So I'll post again when I talk to him.
Thanks again guys :)

JBob76 10th November 2017 1:14 AM

So I texted him yesterday and got a "wtf do you want" guess that's that.

Space Ritual 10th November 2017 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBob76 (Post 7463121)
So I texted him yesterday and got a "wtf do you want" guess that's that.

Hey you tried. You can't control what other people are butthurt about.

anika99 13th November 2017 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Space Ritual (Post 7463382)
Hey you tried. You can't control what other people are butthurt about.

Yeah, if he wants to pout and act like a child rather than have an adult conversation about things then there's not much you can do. Maybe someday your friend will grow up and be able to have rational conversations but for now I guess this friendship is on pause.

yankeesfan 14th November 2017 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBob76 (Post 7463121)
So I texted him yesterday and got a "wtf do you want" guess that's that.

Sounds like he still wants you to understand what he is angry about. Can you think of anything recently that you have asked him for? Or anything he has asked you for or invited you to that you said no to?

I would just think of something that he likes and invite him to that so it is clear you are trying to do something nice for him and when there figure out what his perspective is on everything and let him get it off his shoulders.

A long time ago, I had a roommate who had been my best friend for years and we got in a big fight and we moved out and we didn't speak to each other for months. I eventually invited him to meet me at some restaurant/bar that I knew was one of his favorites, and we kind of hashed it out and then it was in the past, but had we not done that we may still not be talking to this day.

S2B 14th November 2017 1:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBob76 (Post 7463121)
So I texted him yesterday and got a "wtf do you want" guess that's that.

Why don't you drop by to see him and talk about what's coming between you two.

Obviously he thinks you "need something" every time you reach out.

Don't ask him for a thing - start by being a giver instead of a taker.


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