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-   -   The borrower--is she using me or am I just being stingy? (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/636605-borrower-she-using-me-am-i-just-being-stingy)

Cam1 4th October 2017 7:41 AM

The borrower--is she using me or am I just being stingy?
 
I have a friend who asks me to borrow all kinds of things. In the last week alone she's asked to borrow: racquetball rackets, camping gear, a kayak and most recently, the final straw was yesterday: She asked if I own a snowboard she can borrow. First of all, I bought my gear secondhand, in college, with my own work money, and I won't even let my sister borrow that board. Secondly, you can rent for $20. Thirdly, I never offered this person my board, or even told them I snowboard. And the ski area won't even open for another month--if you wanted to buy one or go to the upcoming gear swap, you have time.

I ignored her question. I thought maybe I was just being overly sensitive. Then i woke up to a text from her in the middle of the night, asking to borrow my hiking boots, for thursday. I was shocked. She's in grad school, getting her masters in geology. She doesn't own hiking boots? What's she going to do every time she has a field trip? We have the same undergraduate degree, which required a lot of field work and we have similar interests that involve hiking--my boots are used from eBay, and the last thing I want is to lend them to someone when I myself need to wear them on a trip this weekend.

There's also other odds and ends--she asked me to help her clean/do dishes for her work a couple weeks ago, and I went and spent hours there and was totally okay with it.
I mentioned an attractive guy I just met, and she's decided she's going to try to figure out how to get them introduced. We're going to a festival this weekend (which I won free tickets to and offered her one), and she's like, "Invite so and so." I told her that would see weird, since I just met this guy and need his professional help with something. Her response: "Gosh I DIDN'T SAY YOU HAVE TO SLUT ON HIM! Just invite him to hang out!" Excuse me..what did you say?

I'm sitting here wondering if she's a user, or I'm a scrooge? We're both in our mid 20s, she's in grad school, and I have a full time but not so great paying job, and she knows it. We've only been friends since this summer. Otherwise I really like hanging out with her, but this is starting to annoy me. Am I in the wrong here, or will this progressively get worse?

anika99 4th October 2017 9:04 AM

Wow! You've only known her for a few months and she's already being this demanding? She sounds like someone who doesn't respect boundaries and she's also a taker. If I were you I would try to distance yourself from this friendship. When she asks to borrow stuff that you don't want to lend her just say, sorry but I'm really not comfortable lending that item out. If she respects you then she will accept your answer with grace. However she doesn't sound very respectful so this friendship likely won't last.

preraph 4th October 2017 3:17 PM

She sounds over the top. It's not normal. If you are too nice and tolerant, you will attract users. First of all, has she returned your other borrowed items? If yes, fine, but tell her you aren't lending any more and don't want her wearing your shoes. If not, tell her you need your stuff back and aren't lending any more.

d0nnivain 4th October 2017 4:41 PM

You are not a scrooge. I'm not going to label her a user but she's definitely somebody who doesn't want to take responsibility for herself. A few borrowed things once in a while over the course of a friendship . . . OK fine. This is too new & too much. Put up some boundaries (i.e. day no) & she'll probably disappear. Don't lose sleep over her.

MyOphelia 4th October 2017 4:46 PM

You're not being a scrooge, but I do think she is being quite demanding and disrespectful. As others have said, she doesn't seem to understand boundaries. I would not lend her a thing. Yes, over the course of a friendship, but after some time. This is quite soon and early on. And for God's sake, never lend your shoes to anyone. That's just wrong on so many levels.

basil67 4th October 2017 4:54 PM

No you're not in the wrong. If I were you, I'd be rapidly distancing myself.

Poptree 4th October 2017 5:53 PM

This is something I have worried about myself. I feel like if it's worth it to her, she will use her own money to buy the things she needs. You don't have to loan out your stuff if you don't want to especially if they are things you use often.

Cam1 4th October 2017 6:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MyOphelia (Post 7430647)
You're not being a scrooge, but I do think she is being quite demanding and disrespectful. As others have said, she doesn't seem to understand boundaries. I would not lend her a thing. Yes, over the course of a friendship, but after some time. This is quite soon and early on. And for God's sake, never lend your shoes to anyone. That's just wrong on so many levels.

If they were a pair of heels that matched an outfit, I'd understand. But these aren't--these are my boots, that I wear often, and were used before by someone else, so they aren't that long for this world and I don't need to make it even shorter.

The thing that's puzzled me today is she's a geology grad student. They're in the field constantly. Before this, she had field based jobs. I'd almost guarantee she owns hiking boots. It's almost as if she knows they're going somewhere rough on their field trip and doesn't want to rip up her own boots.

I have an old awful pair that are really beat up that I could lend her, but i'm afraid if I say yes, I've opened the gateway to being asked more.

I feel like i'm a pretty generous person--if she was genuinely in need i'd lend her whatever. If my best friend called today and needed a kidney, i'd be in the car already. But this feels different, and odd.

We live in an extremely outdoorsy town, and have a goodwill and a couple used outdoor stores as well. If she wanted hiking boots, she could get some within the hour for under $50. Also, she doesn't even know what size shoe i wear.

basil67 4th October 2017 7:33 PM

Has she returned the things you've loaned her so far?

CC12 5th October 2017 1:29 AM

You're not wrong. Asking to borrow a snowboard when it's not even snowboarding season yet, and your old, sweaty (no offense) hiking boots is just weird.

And asking for racquetball rackets, camping gear, and a kayak all in the span of one week week is odd, too. And I thought maybe this behavior could be expected, depending on your history with her and the dynamic of your friendship, but at the end of your post, you said you've only been friends for a few months now, which really surprised me.

Is it possible that she's kind of awkward with friendships, and is asking to borrow things as a weird way to start conversations with you? I'm trying to look for some explanation other than she's just a crummy person who takes advantage and uses people. Like, maybe she just wants you to go, "Wow, why do you need a kayak? Where are you going?" I don't know.

Anyway, just tell her that you don't like to lend out your personal property. Do it every time she asks to borrow something. No need to explain why or justify why you don't want to, just say, "Sorry, I don't like to lend things. So where are you going camping?" If she pulls back from your friendship, you'll know she's the type to take advantage and you'll be better off without her. Hopefully she'll be fine with it and stay friends once she knows she can't use your stuff.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cam1 (Post 7430273)
I mentioned an attractive guy I just met, and she's decided she's going to try to figure out how to get them introduced. We're going to a festival this weekend (which I won free tickets to and offered her one), and she's like, "Invite so and so." I told her that would see weird, since I just met this guy and need his professional help with something. Her response: "Gosh I DIDN'T SAY YOU HAVE TO SLUT ON HIM! Just invite him to hang out!" Excuse me..what did you say?

It's nice that she's trying to introduce you to a guy you seem interested in. I kind of chuckled that she said you didn't have to "slut on him." Funny choice of words. Were you really offended that she said that?

Cam1 6th October 2017 1:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CC12 (Post 7430926)
It's nice that she's trying to introduce you to a guy you seem interested in. I kind of chuckled that she said you didn't have to "slut on him." Funny choice of words. Were you really offended that she said that?

Actually you read that wrong: She is trying to get ME to introduce HER to a guy I KNOW who *I* find attractive (basically, she's trying to get me to set her up with a guy that I myself am interested in). Like you don't do that to your friends. In any event I found out today he actually has a girlfriend, so that ship's dead in the water anyways :laugh:

Cam1 6th October 2017 1:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by basil67 (Post 7430772)
Has she returned the things you've loaned her so far?

I haven't loaned her the requested items. I don't have a kayak, I don't own the camping gear she wanted, and the rackets I told her she can check out at the front desk of campus rec for free (which is true, and then she suddenly didn't need them...).

healing light 6th October 2017 10:24 PM

This girl is more of a user than a drug addict. Next!

basil67 6th October 2017 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cam1 (Post 7432236)
I haven't loaned her the requested items. I don't have a kayak, I don't own the camping gear she wanted, and the rackets I told her she can check out at the front desk of campus rec for free (which is true, and then she suddenly didn't need them...).

She suddenly didn't need them? This is even stranger.

Arieswoman 7th October 2017 4:01 AM

I wonder if she is using this idea of "borrowing things" as an excuse to talk to you? Maybe she likes you?


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