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narcissistic friend issues


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Old 3rd October 2017, 4:31 PM   #1
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narcissistic friend issues

Hello all, I will try not to drag this out.

Iím honestly looking for some healthy coping mechanisms until I can move out next year. Any thoughts or ideas would be much appreciated.

So basically I've been friends with this girl for a few years now. We became roommates a couple of months after meeting and becoming friends. Lately I've been having a hard time being around her.
She dominates conversation and if I have a story, she also has one. I never feel like she's really listening. She talks about her other friends obsessively to the point where I feel like she may not be enjoying the time we share together. I'm not going to lie, I have been feeling extremely insecure with this friendship. It seems like when she has nothing else going on, I am the best friend ever. But when she has friends and things going on, I'm cast to the side and taken for granted.

I can't trust her. I've caught her in multiple lies. She's done some really shady things to other friends of hers. Not sure why I thought I was special.
She never admits fault. If I have an issue with something she did, she will immediately turn it back around on me. Or she gives me a BS apology (I see right through them).

The above makes it hard to talk to her as an adult about problems in the friendship. As she gets really defensive, even if I present her with examples or facts.

When I'm feeling emotional about something and I go to her for comfort, I get the opposite. She seems very inconvenienced by my problems or tears. I would drop whatever to try and comfort my friends.

Lately everything has been tense because I'm not happy and I do not feel like my needs are being met in this friendship. We have been fighting and picking at each other for the past few months. I'm tired and feel like I'm (25) too old for this. I feel like Iíve given a lot to this friendship. Iím there and supportive when she needs me. I check on her and I do worry about her. It's just really hard to be around someone who doesn't seem to care about my feelings or well being.

So my thing is, what can I do to protect myself for the rest of this lease. We have almost a full year left. Any ideas are much appreciated. If I'm missing details y'all need, let me know. I'll fill you in.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 5:08 PM   #2
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I'd ask your landlord if you can go month to month if you've been a tenant for years. The worst s/he can say is no.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 5:13 PM   #3
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I'd ask your landlord if you can go month to month if you've been a tenant for years. The worst s/he can say is no.
I'm staying as long as I am because of financial issues. I'm using the time to save up as much as I can.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 5:17 PM   #4
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I'm staying as long as I am because of financial issues. I'm using the time to save up as much as I can.
Oh. Then I guess living there is not that terrible after all.

For me having peace is worth all the money in the world.

I guess just keep your distance and maybe get a part-time job or something to help you avoid her and be able to save more money.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 5:29 PM   #5
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Oh. Then I guess living there is not that terrible after all.

For me having peace is worth all the money in the world.

I guess just keep your distance and maybe get a part-time job or something to help you avoid her and be able to save more money.
No it's not so terrible where I need to find a way out right now. Plus it is my fault for signing the lease again. It will just end up setting me back more from my ultimate goal of living alone. I have two jobs right now and I've already talked to one of my managers about giving me more shifts. I already know that I can't do another roommate and no one I know is currently looking for one anyway.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:27 PM   #6
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Act friendly toward her. Since she isn't really listening to you anyway, she wont even notice you are pulling back. Stop telling her anything personal about you or any other relationship or friend since she is untrustworthy. Just be polite like you would a coworker you had to get along with and then give her a month's notice at end of lease. Be SURE she doesn't go sign a new lease without your knowledge or something like that.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:30 PM   #7
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Disengage from her on all levels. Detach and focus on you and your other friends. Don't discuss anything personal with her, treat her like a "fun" friend and nothing else. Keep light conversations going and just be on good terms. Don't ever show her how you feel inside (she'll use it against you) and just know that YOU are above it all. People like her are toxic and you don't need that in your life.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 7:35 PM   #8
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I understand that moving out is not an option so I guess the only option is that you need to live with it and keep yourself happy for the next year. Learning how to not get affected by people who make you unhappy is certainly difficult. One way is to fill up your life with other people who are worth it. Also, keep yourself busy and gradually reduce the time you spend with your flat mate. I know that such people when they are not feeling well they do come back to you to complain about their issues but you could try to minimize that as much as possible.

I would not suggest to over react to her about this. She doesn't seem like a person who would self-correct or even think about it. Too much drama will not help your well-being so do not waste your energy.

Finally, there are many nice people in this world and there is so little time we have. It is worth spending it on the ones who matter.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 7:58 PM   #9
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you really must not take the bait, have just blocked my one, I know narcs, have had several

anything a narc says is planned like a theatre show, and anything you say fuels the theatrics, anything sad happy wrong, the narc gets excitement from controlling you

so for every fifteen words the narc says, just say five, be a bit bland which is called the grey rock technique, as in, you are as boring as a grey rock

without the excitement of a proper conversation, the narc finds a new theatrics partner to control, which is not you any more

Last edited by darkmoon; 3rd October 2017 at 8:00 PM..
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Old 4th October 2017, 1:07 AM   #10
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Get out while you still can

Don't let this friendship drag on. Get out and just ignore her. I've dealt with so many narcissistic people. Trust me, they will ruin you.
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Old 4th October 2017, 3:22 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Act friendly toward her. Since she isn't really listening to you anyway, she wont even notice you are pulling back. Stop telling her anything personal about you or any other relationship or friend since she is untrustworthy. Just be polite like you would a coworker you had to get along with and then give her a month's notice at end of lease. Be SURE she doesn't go sign a new lease without your knowledge or something like that.
She would definitely notice because we recently got into a fight but I'm still taking this advice. She had some nasty things to say about me, so at this point, I'm not sure why she would even want to be my friend. Nah, they need both of our signatures to renew and I'd have my intent to move in atleast 2 months in advance because that's what the apartment complex requires.

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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Disengage from her on all levels. Detach and focus on you and your other friends. Don't discuss anything personal with her, treat her like a "fun" friend and nothing else. Keep light conversations going and just be on good terms. Don't ever show her how you feel inside (she'll use it against you) and just know that YOU are above it all. People like her are toxic and you don't need that in your life.
Thank you kindly for your response. This sounds
Doable. It's a miserable state to live in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by carine View Post
I understand that moving out is not an option so I guess the only option is that you need to live with it and keep yourself happy for the next year. Learning how to not get affected by people who make you unhappy is certainly difficult. One way is to fill up your life with other people who are worth it. Also, keep yourself busy and gradually reduce the time you spend with your flat mate. I know that such people when they are not feeling well they do come back to you to complain about their issues but you could try to minimize that as much as possible.

I would not suggest to over react to her about this. She doesn't seem like a person who would self-correct or even think about it. Too much drama will not help your well-being so do not waste your energy.

Finally, there are many nice people in this world and there is so little time we have. It is worth spending it on the ones who matter.
You're right. We got into a fight and she doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. She threw it all back at me. The only relief I got was that my true feelings were out there. She always comes back when she's not doing so well in life. I don't want to be here for that. I deserve better. I am looking to make stronger connections with my other friends lately. So looks like I'm on the right path.
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkmoon View Post
you really must not take the bait, have just blocked my one, I know narcs, have had several

anything a narc says is planned like a theatre show, and anything you say fuels the theatrics, anything sad happy wrong, the narc gets excitement from controlling you

so for every fifteen words the narc says, just say five, be a bit bland which is called the grey rock technique, as in, you are as boring as a grey rock

without the excitement of a proper conversation, the narc finds a new theatrics partner to control, which is not you any more
I've heard about that grey rock method. I feel like that's how I've been unintentionally. I don't care to hear her gossip I just gove short answers or go silent.

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Originally Posted by KingGelato View Post
Don't let this friendship drag on. Get out and just ignore her. I've dealt with so many narcissistic people. Trust me, they will ruin you.
Yeah she's held me back for too long. I'd started to take on some of her bad traits. I don't want to be that person. I want to be a person who comes from a place of empathy and love.
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