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Is my best friend of 20 years into me?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 18th September 2017, 9:29 AM   #1
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Is my best friend of 20 years into me?

I met this girl back in 1999. We were both in high school and clicked immediately. She and I ran around together for a year or so (Not exactly dating but as friends) and it was always just she and I. We went to dance clubs every single weekend for a year at least and danced dirty every time. We even slept together once but it seemed to be very very ackward for at least a year afterward.

She eventually went to the army and I moved away to another state for 10 years but we kept in touch. I would come visit family when in town and would make it a point to see her. I was dating a girl I met in the other state for 10 years but finally that fell apart and I moved back home.

When I did move back it was about 3 years ago. She and I naturally hung out, talked about our lives and relationships and typically just drank and talked when we hung out. But lately we're getting more touchy feely. I mean we are kinda lovey drunks to begin with but I feel like she's moving closer to me.

I should point out we've always been really comfortable around each other so hugging and cheek kisses seemed to be normal but lately its more. She will hold my hand, make plans to hang out with me more, say very sweet things to me. Sometimes she takes me to dinner.

The catch is she has a boyfriend she has been seeing for 5 years. I have never met him and I even ask her why. Usually I get "It just hasn't happened yet' or something. I know shes very happy with him and recently he had to move out of state to do a job for 6 months. So I assume this is why she is close, she is lonely.

I need a 3rd party here. Is this simply the case? I feel like the gay best friend who she can just hold onto like a pillow but she knows I am not gay. She touches my leg, holds my hand, and calls me sexy from time to time and is genuinely glad to be in my company. I would never dare make a move on her because I am terrified it would destroy our friendship if I was reading this wrong. I have made it clear I think she is a catch and she doesn't seem to brush that off. I would much rather keep her in my life as a best friend than lose her all together.

Does anyone have a similar experience or have an opinion?
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Old 18th September 2017, 2:26 PM   #2
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I don't think it would hurt to have a talk with her. She's doing a lot of touching. Why not just ask her if you didn't have a boyfriend would you and I be dating? No confessions or any of that.. just see what she says. It may be she just knows you're not the guy she has in her head for marrying or something. People envision certain things for themselves. But I'd see what her thoughts are. As long as you don't get upset whatever she says back surely you're friendship has lasted long enough to whether this.
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Old 18th September 2017, 6:14 PM   #3
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I don't think it would hurt to have a talk with her. She's doing a lot of touching. Why not just ask her if you didn't have a boyfriend would you and I be dating? No confessions or any of that.. just see what she says. It may be she just knows you're not the guy she has in her head for marrying or something. People envision certain things for themselves. But I'd see what her thoughts are. As long as you don't get upset whatever she says back surely you're friendship has lasted long enough to whether this.
Just ask? That is what my next thought was but I wasn't sure since I am an involved party. I hope you're right about our relationship being able to weather this. We have had arguments before about the what if game, but that was almost 10 years ago.
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Old 18th September 2017, 8:12 PM   #4
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What was she saying about the possibility in the old arguments? Was she saying no?
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Old 18th September 2017, 10:28 PM   #5
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What was she saying about the possibility in the old arguments? Was she saying no?
Basically it was a discussion about what if one of us fell for the other and she was pretty damn clear about that could never happen because we couldn't be friends anymore. I mentioned that it could make things better and she totally disagreed. She got pretty stern about it. She even mentioned that she had never had feelings for me like that. Maybe that was just a tactic to not start something that wouldn't be able to work since I was living in another state at the time?


But just yesterday we hung out and had a great time. She took pics of us like we were a couple and we held each other with arms around each others backs walking down the street in public downtown without a care in the world. She even started making a list of things we need to do such as restaurants and movies to see.

And as of tomorrow shes flying up to see her boyfriend for a week.

Hence my total confusion.
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Old 19th September 2017, 11:01 AM   #6
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Well, if she was that stern about it, then I guess it's a no. I mean, if she changed her mind, it would be up to her to tell you. And I know where she's coming from about if the subject comes up again, we can't be friends, because it's too awkward. But she is not using good judgement doing all that touching. I guess she thinks of you as a brother or something. Is she touchy like this with her family and friends? If so, she's just that way.

Clearly she's more into her boyfriend than you. Have you considered setting a boundary with her on all the touching and being the one to pull away?

My best advice now is for you to pull your focus away from her and see about dating other women. It would balance this friendship out. 20 years of this nonsense. Don't let it keep you from finding someone.
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Old 19th September 2017, 11:32 AM   #7
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I guess she thinks of you as a brother or something. Is she touchy like this with her family and friends? If so, she's just that way.
I honestly don't know. From what I can tell, not like us.

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Clearly she's more into her boyfriend than you. Have you considered setting a boundary with her on all the touching and being the one to pull away?
I may have to try that next and see how she reacts. I do know that she is becoming more and more vocal about the ins and outs of her relationship with her boyfriend and life lately. She'll show me texts about things she her boyfriend says, how she really feels about him, and shared a really personal secret about herself from when she was in her 20s. I mean deeply personal.

It could simply be we are getting along and hanging out more, and yes I am like family to her. But the suddenness of it all is throwing me. You're right though I think the bottom line is to confront her and ask what is going on.
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Old 19th September 2017, 2:40 PM   #8
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Why not just ask her if you didn't have a boyfriend would you and I be dating? No confessions or any of that.. just see what she says.
Honestly, I'm a fan of asking directly like preraph suggested in her first post. Just in a casual, pass-the-butter tone. A lot can change in 10 years. I think it would be weird if she was the exact same person she was when she first had that discussion with you. People evolve.
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Old 19th September 2017, 3:05 PM   #9
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And if she still says no and gets defensive and acts like you broke a rule, tell her, Then keep the hands off the merchandise!
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