LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

[UPDATE]How do I tell my roommate, an elderly lady, she eventually needs to move out.


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Like Tree20Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 4th September 2017, 10:24 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 22
[UPDATE]How do I tell my roommate, an elderly lady, she eventually needs to move out.

Hello. I'm a divorced mom to 2 kids 12 and 9. I own a home. It's a 2 story 2000 sq ft dual master bedroom set up. I decided to rent the downstairs master out so I put an ad on Craig's list asking for female only. This woman answers the ad she was 69 and was desperate to get out of her living arrangement. I felt bad for her so I let her move in. I charge her a very reasonable $525 a month and that includes everything. So I pay about 80% of the bills.
She's very nice and my kids love her but I'm over it.

She was originally only going to stay a few months but here it is a year later she is still here. I like her. My kids love her. But she smokes ( although outside but she stinks of it) and she rarely leaves the house. I get no privacy at all since she only works very part time and doesn't drive at night because of her eyes. We are friends and have spent lots of nights just taking but I want my privacy back and I want my house to myself again.

I rarely date or have guys over because I feel she cAn hear everything. I work all day. I'm stressed out. After work I run around with kids. Some days I am gone12+ hours. She has the house all to herself all day. I never am alone here and it's starting to get to me. I've let myself go because I'm not dating much. When my kids are at their dads I would love to have a private dinner and movie night with a guy. Now I find myself just going out all the time.

I also want a totally smoke free house. She smokes outside but my garage smells like smoke because she smokes in her car ( which smells terrible). I have asthma and a sensitive to the smell she gets really defensive when I mention the smoke smell. Apparently if she can't smell it then there's no smell.

Starting in 2018 I want my house back to myself. How do I tell her and not piss her off and ruin a friendship? She has no lease here I technically only have to give her 30 days but I want to make sure she has plenty of notice. She is on a very fixed income and money is always tight. I want to give her 90 days notice so that she doesn't go crazy over Christmas and not have any money to move. I also don't want her making things awkward around here.
If she decides to make things uncomfortable for me for 3 months then the 90 day will turn into a 30 day and that will really leave her in bad shape.
I am grateful shes been wonderful to my kids but it's time for her to go. I plan on telling her around Halloween and give her until Jan 30 that way she doesn't have to move before the Holidays.
I'll be honest and admit unless she moves to CA to with her daughter she will have a hard time finding a roommate. She told me she worked but didn't tell me she only works 2 days a month. Next time I know better. Nobody that smokes or doesn't work full time outside the house will be living with me. But my intent is to get my house all done they way I want. Take care of me and get out of this rut I'm in. Any words of wisdom?

Last edited by Purrrfect; 4th September 2017 at 10:32 PM..
Purrrfect is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th September 2017, 8:00 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,447
Just go ahead and tell her to start looking for a place that you definitely want your house back by January 2018. It takes old folks longer to get things accomplished so tell her now and don't wait till the last minute.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th September 2017, 8:41 PM   #3
Established Member
 
darkmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3,530
when you tell her, just say you want some privacy, do not tell her more, keep it simple less for her to dispute

you could invent some tragedy that requires the flat back, as this fib will stop anger and hopefully yield pity, or cook stinky food

your friendship may survive, one bizarre note - where are her other friends that she just hangs with you? bit odd to get to that age but to have kept no friends

Last edited by darkmoon; 5th September 2017 at 8:44 PM..
darkmoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th September 2017, 10:05 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Methodical's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,491
Tell her that you are making some lifestyle changes and part of those changes will result in you needing full use of your entire home. You are letting her know now because you are implementing those changes effective January 1 and want to give her plenty of notice so that she has time to find a suitable place. Maintain your integrity, be straight-forward and don't fib.
Methodical is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2017, 4:26 AM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 22
I would honestly rather go with a white lie than be honest here. Say your brother/sister/friend/ex husband needs to move in downstairs for *understandable reason* and they will be moving in January.

I know people here will disagree with me but I just don't think "privacy" is enough to "motivate" her to get the hell out. This just seems to open the possibility for her to not take you serious enough (or beg for sympathy, etc) and then this will get into bad blood territory. It's just common sense that loved ones take priority over anyone else, so she should know the line can't be crossed here.

Last edited by Ultraviolence; 6th September 2017 at 4:28 AM..
Ultraviolence is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2017, 4:43 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Art_Critic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 29,137
Whatever you do make sure the notice is given in writing....

If someone who is renting from you without a lease decides to not leave; you may very well have to evict her thru the courts and that will require written notice and documentation.

I would tell her that you are no longer looking to rent your room and that you are giving her 90 days notice.
Art_Critic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2017, 4:46 AM   #7
Established Member
 
MidKnightDreams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Big D
Posts: 3,401
Tell her you prefer your privacy, but, if she stays, the rent is going up January 1st. To $1050.

This is also why I never rent without a lease agreement. Having a written lease makes things like this a little simpler.
MidKnightDreams is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2017, 8:52 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,053
I'd notify her at the end of September, that gives her plenty of time to find a new place by the start of next year. Put the notice in writing, be polite but firm, but offer to pay her her deposit early and a bonus on the day of move if she moves by (certain date). Offer to help her pack and relocate. The bonus/severance is a incentive for someone on a fixed income to move out, it may help motivate her in the search for a new apartment (suggest any senior apartments in your community) or move out by her daughter, and both of you can avoid the time and money wasting process of an eviction. Whatever you want to offer her is your decision but if it's enough to easily cover 1-2 months rent on an equivalent place that's a good start, decide beforehand what you're willing to offer and be direct. She gets the bonus check the day that she moves and turns over the keys.

Document the agreement, the amount and the day of the transaction in case she doesn't follow through as planned. Be polite but be prepared for worst case scenarios. If she refuses to move despite the offer of a bonus, calmly reminding her that you'll start the the eviction process and the eviction will hinder her ability to get another place sometimes helps. If she doesn't move on the day noted in your written agreement, file for eviction immediately. At the end of the day your goal is to get her to move out and offering a bonus might make the process smoother for everyone.
O'Malley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2017, 11:13 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 315
Quote:
Originally Posted by O'Malley View Post
I'd notify her at the end of September, that gives her plenty of time to find a new place by the start of next year. Put the notice in writing, be polite but firm, but offer to pay her her deposit early and a bonus on the day of move if she moves by (certain date). Offer to help her pack and relocate. The bonus/severance is a incentive for someone on a fixed income to move out, it may help motivate her in the search for a new apartment (suggest any senior apartments in your community) or move out by her daughter, and both of you can avoid the time and money wasting process of an eviction. Whatever you want to offer her is your decision but if it's enough to easily cover 1-2 months rent on an equivalent place that's a good start, decide beforehand what you're willing to offer and be direct. She gets the bonus check the day that she moves and turns over the keys.

Document the agreement, the amount and the day of the transaction in case she doesn't follow through as planned. Be polite but be prepared for worst case scenarios. If she refuses to move despite the offer of a bonus, calmly reminding her that you'll start the the eviction process and the eviction will hinder her ability to get another place sometimes helps. If she doesn't move on the day noted in your written agreement, file for eviction immediately. At the end of the day your goal is to get her to move out and offering a bonus might make the process smoother for everyone.

This is way too much, OP is not obligated to bend over backwards such as this scenario quoted, both legally and ethically.

It's really quite simple. Give 60 days notice, first in person than a follow up email detailing what you verbally told her. Periodically check in to see how the search is going and offer any leads you may have, if you feel so inclined.

While being compassionate about her situation, it is not your job to take on her issues, and placing firm boundaries will probably expedite things better. Sure, she'll probably be upset, but she will find something else, maybe even better for her... This is your life, your space, and you've already fulfilled your initial agreement.

I don't know the laws in your state so you should do some research first so you implement this correctly. You really don't have to offer her a reason, but if you feel so inclined, say you need it for your own personal space again, or for your children, or for guests, whatever. She knew it was temporary, so remind her of that. You probably should also bring the kids on board with the 'reason'.

If it were me, I'd do this before the new year.

Good luck!

Last edited by SunnyWeather; 6th September 2017 at 11:15 AM.. Reason: grammar
SunnyWeather is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2017, 8:52 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,053
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunnyWeather View Post
This is way too much, OP is not obligated to bend over backwards such as this scenario quoted, both legally and ethically.
The OP certainly isn't legally obligated to do this, but "cash/check for keys" is a viable option in a situation where a landlord a) has a fixed income tenant who possibly will be resistant to moving and b) strongly desires the tenant to move out ASAP, which seems to be the case here.

In cases with a tenant on a fixed income, especially a tenant living in one's home, it's not always so simple as offering a written notice to vacate and hoping all goes smoothly. Sometimes it's better to focus on what's best for peace of mind and offer a poorer tenant a financial incentive; it's far preferable to the legal and financial hassles of an eviction or property damage done by a vindictive tenant in the last few days.
O'Malley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2017, 8:52 PM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 22
Thank you everyone. We were chatting tonight in the kitchen she complimented me on my haircut. She is so nice sometimes and I start to feel guilty that I am eventually going to tell her she has to move. She has 2 friends a young woman named Kelly and Kelly mom. Kelly and her mom just moved into a huge custom home nearby. I'm hoping my roomie can move in with them if needed.

Tonight she told me She has to have Lasik surgery and is so stressed out and she is going to have to not work in Sept and money will be tight. I still expect her to pay me for Oct rent esp since shes here at my house far more than I am. She has social security. My plan was to tell her sometime after she pays me rent in Oct that this living arrangement is no longer working for me and come the new year I need the house back to myself. I am not going into any specifics on why. I only have about $180 of a deposit from her so I was going to keep that and waive Jan rent if she is totally moved out by Jan 30 and keys returned.

I'm not prepared to argue with her or go into any specifics but that this arrangement no longer works for me.
The bottom line is this is my house and I should be able to live here alone with my kids if I want.

Its actually a miracle this arrangement has lasted as long as if had. I have 2 coworkers with kids, both single moms whos roommate arrangements have gone bad. When 2 people live together there are things that get on your nerves I'm sure I've annoyed her. I'm done with the habits of smokers and the money they spend on smokes but are broke. And the fact she is home all the time with the exception of her very part time job. She went to California last Christmas for a week. I can count on both my hands the number of days I have had the house to myself for a couple hours. Its annoying. She just home after a run to the store and my garage smells like smoke as usual.

My daughter absolutely loves her. She will be heartbroken but I can't explain this stuff to kids

Last edited by Purrrfect; 6th September 2017 at 9:11 PM..
Purrrfect is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th September 2017, 5:32 PM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 22
Here it is sat 3.40 pm. She just left the house today for the first time. She will likely be back within 30 min. As for me I was out the door by 7 am with my kids and have been in and out all day. My kids are with their Dad through tomorrow. I cannot wait until I have this house to myself.

Last edited by Purrrfect; 9th September 2017 at 5:46 PM..
Purrrfect is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2017, 12:45 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: California
Posts: 167
Honestly, I would tell her now. It's going to cause you more stress, anxiety, and resentment of being in limbo until you tell her since you won't know how she'll react. Don't wait for the surgery in case it goes south or has complications that she can play your sympathies on. At least if you tell her now she'll have more time and you can release the tension or what ifs with her reaction by getting it over with.
healing light is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2017, 10:57 AM   #14
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 22
She was actually gone for 90 min. There really is not much tension right now I vent online. But I am a little frustrated I've allowed this to carry on for a year.

I can't tell her now. If she is stressed out her Dr Will not do the surgery. Her BP gets high when she walks into a DR office and he already put her on something. I'll ask her today if her surgery is still on schedule.

We had a nice chat last night. I'm really hoping we cn till be friends after all this. I hope she understands that nobody wants a roommate situation if they can help it. I do not want her copping an Attitude with me if she is not understanding of my plight then she will then have to move sooner which I not want to have to do. I do know I do not want her here next summer when the utility bills go up and she's home most of the day and all she does is complain her room is warm and I can't really turn the air UP That much since she is here. I'm done working my ass off all day while she's home.

I keep reminding myself on a quote Tony Robbins said. Something to the nature of " be stern with your decision but flexible with your approach. " this makes a lot of sense.

Her surgery is Thur. I just asked her. Her second one is at the end of the month. That means she won't be working at all this month. So I still think early oct works.

Last edited by Purrrfect; 10th September 2017 at 11:07 AM..
Purrrfect is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th September 2017, 2:35 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 107
Right, so when you were lonely or needed the money, it was okay to socialise with her, eg, you said you've spent many nights with her, just talking. Why didn't the smoke bother you then?

It sounds like you're going to ask her to leavem which all LANDLORDS have the RIGHT to do. Just make sure you're kind to her, eg, maybe give her three months notice period. She's 69, it can't be that easy for her.
Soak is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Ugh...I may just have to move eventually kaylan Dating 29 6th February 2013 6:25 AM
The 21-year old lady and I(Update) Balthazar Dating 26 5th October 2008 11:42 AM
roommate update LoveLace Friendship 31 2nd April 2007 12:56 PM
Elderly parents oppose move, refuse financial help Riff Randall Family 2 26th July 2004 1:27 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:48 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.