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weird friendship predicament


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Old 23rd August 2017, 5:00 PM   #1
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weird friendship predicament

hey all,

i'm in a weird space with my closest group of friends right now and could use some insight. for the past year or so, i've noticed my friends excluding me a lot. i've barely seen any of them despite reaching out and trying to make plans. when i do reach out, they either flake out on me or give me a non-committal response. i've also tried reaching them out individually to check-in if things are ok and they all tell me that "everything's good, girl! i've just been super busy" or "not mad at you at all, my schedule is just crazy these days!". yet, with the powers of instagram and facebook, i can see that they all hang out with each other.

in the very rare case when i do see them, each of my friends will say to me, "oh my god, you're such a good friend. i'm so grateful for you!", "i love you, you're the best, i've missed you!" and so on. basically, they'll act like a best friend in front of my face but outside of that, they treat me like a far away acquaintance. things just don't feel genuine.

anyway, i've already decided to let them go and make some new friends. while i'm sad about it, i know that it's time to move on. so, here's the predicament...my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and when we all recently hung out, they asked me what i wanted to do to celebrate. to be honest, i don't want to do anything for my birthday involving them because of how they have been treating me. i told my boyfriend that i'd rather just do something small with just the two of us but i wonder if i'll alienate myself even more?

what do you think i should do? any advice would be awesome! x

Last edited by diddilybop; 23rd August 2017 at 5:07 PM..
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Old 23rd August 2017, 5:38 PM   #2
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I would say trust your instincts whatever they are. Sometimes people just need an event to be organised to get them all together and they are grateful for it. Some people click with each other and some remain more acquaintances. It sounds like there isn't anyone in the group you're in with whom you really gel. Maybe finding some new friends is a good idea. The people who get things going and get friends together tend to be quite pushy. Maybe you are less so and so feel you are not getting anywhere, whereas the more assertive in your group tend to make progress.

There is nothing wrong with deciding that a group of acquaintances is not what you need. If you vary your routine and the places you go to, you will bump into new people. You could maintain your present social circle while expanding your range elsewhere too.

If you want to spend a quiet time with your boyfriend, then no harm in that. You don't have to have a big event. However, if you do have some kind of bigger celebration, you could invite a few new people along too. A party or get-together is a good excuse to do that.

I would not take what your present friends are doing as a rejection though. Sometimes people are just self-absorbed and don't realise others feel left out. If you assume they are your friends (if not extremely close friends) and include people, what have you got to lose? There could be very positive spin-offs that you are unaware of at the moment.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 5:49 PM   #3
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thanks spiderowl, i really appreciate your advice. i agree that varying my routine and trying something new will allow me to expand my connections more, keep me busy and maybe in turn, make me feel less sad about my situation.

what i do notice with this group of friends is that they drink and smoke A LOT when they hang out. not that there's anything wrong with drinking/smoking but i had to quit drinking a few years ago due to medical condition. i have nervous system issues where drinking brings on intense pain to the point where i can't move. maybe that has something to do with it, maybe not - either way, i like your take on making this a more positive thing for myself!
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Old 23rd August 2017, 6:00 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by diddilybop View Post
hey all,

i'm in a weird space with my closest group of friends right now and could use some insight. for the past year or so, i've noticed my friends excluding me a lot. i've barely seen any of them despite reaching out and trying to make plans. when i do reach out, they either flake out on me or give me a non-committal response. i've also tried reaching them out individually to check-in if things are ok and they all tell me that "everything's good, girl! i've just been super busy" or "not mad at you at all, my schedule is just crazy these days!". yet, with the powers of instagram and facebook, i can see that they all hang out with each other.

in the very rare case when i do see them, each of my friends will say to me, "oh my god, you're such a good friend. i'm so grateful for you!", "i love you, you're the best, i've missed you!" and so on. basically, they'll act like a best friend in front of my face but outside of that, they treat me like a far away acquaintance. things just don't feel genuine.

anyway, i've already decided to let them go and make some new friends. while i'm sad about it, i know that it's time to move on. so, here's the predicament...my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and when we all recently hung out, they asked me what i wanted to do to celebrate. to be honest, i don't want to do anything for my birthday involving them because of how they have been treating me. i told my boyfriend that i'd rather just do something small with just the two of us but i wonder if i'll alienate myself even more?

what do you think i should do? any advice would be awesome! x
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Originally Posted by diddilybop View Post
thanks spiderowl, i really appreciate your advice. i agree that varying my routine and trying something new will allow me to expand my connections more, keep me busy and maybe in turn, make me feel less sad about my situation.

what i do notice with this group of friends is that they drink and smoke A LOT when they hang out. not that there's anything wrong with drinking/smoking but i had to quit drinking a few years ago due to medical condition. i have nervous system issues where drinking brings on intense pain to the point where i can't move. maybe that has something to do with it, maybe not - either way, i like your take on making this a more positive thing for myself!

Seems to me your friends love you but they may enjoy their partying lifestyle a lot and know you don't drink so don't include you. I'd definitely plan something for your birthday you can do with them. Maybe a lunch or something where they aren't apt to want to drink.

I also don't drink for physical and mental health reasons so socialize with my friends who drink in ways other than partying.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 6:17 PM   #5
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Seems to me your friends love you but they may enjoy their partying lifestyle a lot and know you don't drink so don't include you. I'd definitely plan something for your birthday you can do with them. Maybe a lunch or something where they aren't apt to want to drink.

I also don't drink for physical and mental health reasons so socialize with my friends who drink in ways other than partying.
oooh, that's what my boyfriend said too! assuring me that they do care about me but their partying lifestyle makes them not think of me right away in making plans. i can see and understand that. i guess for me, "hanging out" is about more the conversation/connection, which is why i feel like i can still hang out with them while they drink. maybe that's where my friends and i differ and don't gel.

i'm still leaning toward doing just a mellow dinner with my boyfriend but i'd be open to doing a casual picnic at the park nearby on another day, which could be fun!
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Old 24th August 2017, 8:42 AM   #6
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oooh, that's what my boyfriend said too! assuring me that they do care about me but their partying lifestyle makes them not think of me right away in making plans. i can see and understand that. i guess for me, "hanging out" is about more the conversation/connection, which is why i feel like i can still hang out with them while they drink. maybe that's where my friends and i differ and don't gel.

i'm still leaning toward doing just a mellow dinner with my boyfriend but i'd be open to doing a casual picnic at the park nearby on another day, which could be fun!
You know, have never really thought about it a lot but is it possible folks who drink and party vs those who don't drink when socializing may have other differences in the way they approach relationships? I like people with all preferences but drinkers/partiers don't include me as often now that I think about it. Is it considered a moral judgement if you don't drink? Or are there other distinguishing factors of behavior/personality that accompany that lifestyle? I definitely include drinkers in my friend group but they tend not to include me as much. Would think it'd be the other way around.
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Old 24th August 2017, 10:08 PM   #7
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You know, have never really thought about it a lot but is it possible folks who drink and party vs those who don't drink when socializing may have other differences in the way they approach relationships? I like people with all preferences but drinkers/partiers don't include me as often now that I think about it. Is it considered a moral judgement if you don't drink? Or are there other distinguishing factors of behavior/personality that accompany that lifestyle? I definitely include drinkers in my friend group but they tend not to include me as much. Would think it'd be the other way around.
you bring up some good questions! i wonder about them too. before i met my boyfriend, when i was OLD, i'd chat with men and they'd be interested (at least enough to message a little/talk about meeting up) until i brought up that i didn't drink because of medical reasons. it'd be radio silence from their end, as if it were some dealbreaker for them. one guy even said, "i don't think this is gonna work out, i'm a cocktails every night kinda guy and i want a girl to share that with." i never took it super personal but found it kind of silly!
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