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Continuing the friendship or moving on?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 3rd August 2017, 5:57 PM   #1
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Continuing the friendship or moving on?

Hi everyone!!

New poster here , even though I have been reading LoveShack for the past year or so . Im looking for some advice from all you lovely people .

I have been friends with this girl for the past 5 and a half years, we met while attending a social event for making new friends while we both where living abroad, away from our families. We hit it off straight away and started seeing each other on a regular basis .

Our meetups happened every couple of months and we always enjoyed having a chat , a meal or a fun activity and getting to know each other. Im 33 and she's 28 , so there was an age difference but it was never an issue.

Our friendship grew and even though she was sometimes quite judgemental of my choices in life, I felt I could open up to her and told her many many things about my personal life.
We started living very similar lives when we both got our hearts crushed by unavailable men or when we both moved back to our home countries ... she was the one leaving first , 6 months after I left to go back to my home country .. We understood each other through our very similar life outcomes and that brought us even closer.

We decided to keep in touch , even though now we where in different countries . We went on holidays together , we chatted often ... we really wanted to keep this friendship alive and we felt there was something good there.
The more I got to know her , the more I started not liking what I was seeing though. She was very judgy and got annoyed very quickly with the smallest of things , was dismissive and very emotional at a drop of a hat. Im highly emotional too but this was on total different level , I really wasnt used to someone as sensitive and everytime we met , I was walking on eggshels in order not to upset her.

Our interactions while talking online where good - we seemed to get along just fine and we still felt as very close friends. When we met though , it was a different story.
She almost spoiled most of our holidays together by getting annoyed , upset or angry about something little. We could barely agree on where to go and eat , what activities to do , most times I gave in and felt like I was making compromise after compromise. Last winter we met for a long week-end away and I promised myself I will never do that again ...

Then she suggested she could come visit me this summer and stay at my place. No probs , happy to host.
We started off nicely and had a lovely itinerary for the week-end , but got into a huge argument midway through our holiday. I felt very disrespected about the way she was talking to me and I confronted her instead of swallowing my tongue. That ended up with us fighting in the middle of the street for 2 hours. It was embarassing and I kept saying , lets go somewhere more private and discuss things.
She just didnt want to listen and was shouting at me , going from really angry to emotional in a matter of minutes. One minute she was saying Im such a bad person for voicing my oppinions and the next , she was asking me not to leave her , as Im her best friend.

We went to a bar after 2 hours and had a glass of wine and tried to calm down. I apologised and so did she - but I could tell that something had changed that night. We tried to continue our holiday and leave things on a good note, even though there was obviously an elephant in the room.

We talked after her departure a few times but I can feel it's not the same. I dont even know if I want it to be. I am torn between just letting this friendship go or trying to continue like nothing's happened. She made it very clear to me she does not want to talk about that night any longer.

It's been a week since we last talked. It feels awkward to not reply and Im feeling guilty . She was the last one that wrote.
But at the same time , Im feeling relieved at the prospect of not having to see her again anytime soon and deal with the same old issues again. It had become a chore to keep this friendship going! What do I do? She's not a bad person, she is/was a really good friend. But maybe it's just time to move on?

I very rarely give up on people , I would try anything to make things work but I think I reached my limit

Last edited by MoonGirl14; 3rd August 2017 at 6:00 PM..
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Old 3rd August 2017, 6:12 PM   #2
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You date to get to know someone and see if you're compatible. You're not. i'd move on.
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Old 3rd August 2017, 6:19 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
You date to get to know someone and see if you're compatible. You're not. i'd move on.
Yes, I am starting to see this . Maybe its just that we didnt know each other so well in person and the moment we spent time together , we realised it's just so different from talking online / on phone etc. Thank you for your reply, very much appreciate it.
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Old 3rd August 2017, 7:07 PM   #4
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I had a friend who is bipolar; manic in the summer and extremely depressed in the summer. He helped me work through some hard times and we enjoyed each other's company. But, in the end, I cut off contact with him because of his self-destructive behavior. He didn't like taking his medications and he would self-medicate with booze and weed. He is also a very self-centered individual that could be extremely hard to be around at times. It became a toxic friendship so I stopped talking to him.

I am an introvert by nature and only keep people around who enrich my life in some way. Those that detract from it or cause undue stress just aren't worth it for me. It takes a lot for me to cut someone off as I try to find the best in people and enjoy their company. But, at the end of the day, I only have so much time and energy to give and I don't want it drained by the wrong people.
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Old 3rd August 2017, 8:23 PM   #5
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Friendships take effort but should be easy, not a chore....

Your friend is not a bad person, neither are you.

You said it has been a chore to keep the friendship going? Well, that would be enough for me to back off.....just keep a low profile. Respond to her email in a few weeks noting how busy you are.....keep things light and friendly....see how it goes.
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Old 3rd August 2017, 8:40 PM   #6
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Thank you Harmony & OatsandHall

It just wasnt easy anymore ... Not like it used to be. Im sure we are both hurt about our last argument , but not taking the time to discuss properly , after time has passed and we calmed down - doesnt help either.

I will respond to her message in a couple of weeks , but I think she's already figuring out Im letting go. She used to tell me how anxious she gets if people dont reply to her messages quickly and she'll start overthinking. After our last holiday in the winter , it has been harder and harder to keep up and had to choose my words very careful each time we talked
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