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Small World.. Do I tell her?


OatsAndHall

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OatsAndHall

I have described a female friend in other threads who has been dating continually for the last few years and most of it has happened via OLD.. She and I had an argument that I described in another thread (I won't get into the details again) over her views on dating. I hadn't talked to her in a few weeks but she hit me up out of the blue. She has moved back to our hometown (I don't live there) and decided she wanted to talk about her dating life with me, once again. I have been trying to avoid the topic but I get sucked into it with her for some odd reason.

 

Anyway, she told me she had been hit up by a multitude of men via OLD as soon as she moved back to town and there were some promising "prospects". She asked me if I knew one of them as he describes himself as a "youth mental health counselor" on his profile. I worked in the same position for awhile.. She gave me a description of him and yes, I do indeed know him; he was my shift partner for eight months and we worked fifty hours a week together.

 

I told her that he sounded familiar but left it at that with good reason.. You see, my old shift partner uses OLD to hook-up and that's about it. He has worked his way through POF, OKC and other sites and has slept with quite a few women in town. He is quite charming and knows how to get into women's pants. She stated that she has been talking to him, that she "feels a spark" (everyone on LS knows how I feel about that statement..) and is planning on meeting him.

 

So, I'm not really sure what to do right now. She is exceptionally naive when it comes to dating and I could easily see her getting hurt in this situation. A part of me wants to warn her away from him as she is my friend and I don't want to see her hurt..BUT, I keep in touch with this guy as he and I hang out on occasion when I am back in town. We're friends and he knows that I don't care for how he treats women but that is his business, not mine..

 

I am really only considering discussing it with her as she is pretty fragile when it comes to dating.. She isn't in a good place in her life, romantically, and is desperately seeking a solid, long term relationship and I can promise you she won't get it from this guy. I both of them well enough to know that this will probably result in him getting laid a few times and then her getting dumped..

 

Thoughts?

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Gr8fuln2020

You say that she is a friend and you don't want to see her hurt, so do what you can to prevent this. You don't refer to your male other as a friend. You hang out. You are convinced that it will not lead to anything more than her being taken advantage of...how can you not help her from becoming this guy's next sexual exploit? How can you not warn her? You may not know what will happen, but you can certainly provide her with some tools, insight as to what she is dealing with....then let her decide how she wants to go about dealing with it.

 

We can't save everyone or help everyone around us, but when you have an opportunity, you need to choose between doing what is right and what is convenient. I don't see a dilemma here. I think it's clear.

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If she is a friend, warn her that this guy is a player, and not interested in a relationship. After that, it's her choice, of course. She must be used to being dumped and dumping, if she's been dating so much, so that's probably not a significant issue. Maybe she's not that fragile after all.

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Scarlett.O'hara

I'm surprised you didn't say anything when she asked initially. A true friend would at least warn her about how the guy operates and let her decide if it is worth the risk.

 

How he treats women may not be any of your business. However, when it involves someone you know personally (who is likely going to get hurt by his actions) then it would be wrong to hide it from her.

 

It isn't like you would be interfering because she actually asked you about him so she deserves to know the truth. Otherwise you become complicit in whatever happens. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

 

In any case, if the guy is such a player, what is one less notch on his belt going to matter? I'm sure there will be others.

 

My advice would be to look out for the interests of the more vulnerable friend and do the right thing.

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I probably wouldn't get involved at all.

 

Why not let him know she's looking for a LTR and you'd prefer he not hurt her? Is that an option?

 

He doesn't need to date her. He can find someone else. If she's naive, she going to get hurt anyway. If not by this guy, then by someone else. It seems to me that the best way to keep her from getting hurt by this guy is to tell him to back off. Not that it'll matter either way because she still has some life lessons to learn.

 

Which is why I wouldn't get involved at all.

 

Can't save people from their own folly.

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Gr8fuln2020
I probably wouldn't get involved at all.

 

Why not let him know she's looking for a LTR and you'd prefer he not hurt her? Is that an option?

 

He doesn't need to date her. He can find someone else. If she's naive, she going to get hurt anyway. If not by this guy, then by someone else. It seems to me that the best way to keep her from getting hurt by this guy is to tell him to back off. Not that it'll matter either way because she still has some life lessons to learn.

 

Which is why I wouldn't get involved at all.

 

Can't save people from their own folly.

 

So much for being a friend. With friends like this, who needs enemies, right?

 

So, are you impressing upon the OP to get involve as friends should or not. Confused.

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OatsAndHall

I reread what I wrote right after I posted it and decided to shoot her a text about it. I started off by just telling her that I worked with him for awhile and I know that he doesn't want a LTR. I tried to avoid getting into it much deeper than that but that didn't happen.. Here's the conversation that just ensued.

 

Her: It says right in his profile that he is looking for a relationship. He's been pretty clear about it when we've chatted.

 

Me: Just trust me, he isn't looking for anything serious.

 

Her: Are you saying that he's lying?

 

Me: I'm saying that you should steer clear of him as you two are not looking for the same thing.

 

Her: Are you saying he's a just a player. He doesn't strike me as one and I've been doing this for awhile.

 

Me: Look, you've been chatting with him for three days. He and I worked side by side for a long time. I know him better than you and you're going to get hurt.

 

Her: Is this about our argument over dating a few weeks ago? Do you not want to see me be happy with someone? I click with this guy.

 

Me: (getting irritated): What? That's ridiculous.. You don't even know him, Anna! You've never even met the guy! Yes, he is an absolute player and you will be wasting your time.

 

Her: Well, I like him and we're meeting up sometime next week. So, I'll be the judge of that!

 

Me: F-ck it, it's your life. I'll be a good friend and not even give you an "I told you so" when this sh-t goes south on you.

 

Fanf-ckintastic.

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I reread what I wrote right after I posted it and decided to shoot her a text about it. I started off by just telling her that I worked with him for awhile and I know that he doesn't want a LTR. I tried to avoid getting into it much deeper than that but that didn't happen.. Here's the conversation that just ensued.

 

Her: It says right in his profile that he is looking for a relationship. He's been pretty clear about it when we've chatted.

 

Me: Just trust me, he isn't looking for anything serious.

 

Her: Are you saying that he's lying?

 

Me: I'm saying that you should steer clear of him as you two are not looking for the same thing.

 

Her: Are you saying he's a just a player. He doesn't strike me as one and I've been doing this for awhile.

 

Me: Look, you've been chatting with him for three days. He and I worked side by side for a long time. I know him better than you and you're going to get hurt.

 

Her: Is this about our argument over dating a few weeks ago? Do you not want to see me be happy with someone? I click with this guy.

 

Me: (getting irritated): What? That's ridiculous.. You don't even know him, Anna! You've never even met the guy! Yes, he is an absolute player and you will be wasting your time.

 

Her: Well, I like him and we're meeting up sometime next week. So, I'll be the judge of that!

 

Me: F-ck it, it's your life. I'll be a good friend and not even give you an "I told you so" when this sh-t goes south on you.

 

Fanf-ckintastic.

 

I was going to post that this would happen but I see it did already.

 

If you tell a woman to stay with a guy because he's awesome she won't. If you tell a woman to stay away from a guy because he's a player she won't.

 

What she will do is what her emotions dictate. I'm not surprised how she turned it around on you.

 

You are best served minding your own bees wax and letting people make their own mistakes. I learned that people don't appreciate when you piss in their corn flakes even when you have the best of intentions.

 

Also, she might turn out to be the one that makes him want to settle down. You never know.

 

If you must say something in the future, phrase it like "Well I'm not sure if you'd be a good match as when I knew him he wasn't looking for a RL. Maybe that's changed? I hope you have a great time!

 

And for your troubles, she'll tell him what you said if they hit it off. Now you're a c-blocker. I wouldn't be friends with you anymore if I were him.

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Too little too late, but don't get into a fight over it. You warned her, and she told you she is an adult and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. And she is right. She hit it off with this guy, and whether he's a womanizer or not, it is her mistake to make. You warned her, now let it go.

 

While you're busy white-knighting, how about you tell your clod of a friend to back off this woman? You know how he is. Tell him to leave her alone and grow up and not treat women like he does. You've accepted his behavior silently, despite how despicable it is, and now it just got personal because now he's about to stomp all over someone you know and care about. Is this really someone you want to be friends with?

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OatsAndHall
Too little too late, but don't get into a fight over it. You warned her, and she told you she is an adult and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. And she is right. She hit it off with this guy, and whether he's a womanizer or not, it is her mistake to make. You warned her, now let it go.

 

While you're busy white-knighting, how about you tell your clod of a friend to back off this woman? You know how he is. Tell him to leave her alone and grow up and not treat women like he does. You've accepted his behavior silently, despite how despicable it is, and now it just got personal because now he's about to stomp all over someone you know and care about. Is this really someone you want to be friends with?

 

He's always treated me well although we've had many arguments about his treatment of women. It's just a topic we don't discuss now. To be honest, he and I went through a lot together at that job as we dealt (i.e. restrained.) with violent teenage boys on a daily basis. We were involved in some pretty nasty, stressful situations together. He saved my a-- one night after a kid stabbed me with a shard of broken plexi-glass. The kid would've gotten me worse if he hadn't jumped in as the kid snuck up on me.

 

I wondered if things were going to go down this way and it's why I was hesitant to step in. And.. Now I am going to be even more embroiled in the sh-t show when I message him about it. I should have just messaged him first.

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I reread what I wrote right after I posted it and decided to shoot her a text about it. I started off by just telling her that I worked with him for awhile and I know that he doesn't want a LTR. I tried to avoid getting into it much deeper than that but that didn't happen.. Here's the conversation that just ensued.

 

Her: It says right in his profile that he is looking for a relationship. He's been pretty clear about it when we've chatted.

 

Me: Just trust me, he isn't looking for anything serious.

 

Her: Are you saying that he's lying?

 

Me: I'm saying that you should steer clear of him as you two are not looking for the same thing.

 

Her: Are you saying he's a just a player. He doesn't strike me as one and I've been doing this for awhile.

 

Me: Look, you've been chatting with him for three days. He and I worked side by side for a long time. I know him better than you and you're going to get hurt.

 

Her: Is this about our argument over dating a few weeks ago? Do you not want to see me be happy with someone? I click with this guy.

 

Me: (getting irritated): What? That's ridiculous.. You don't even know him, Anna! You've never even met the guy! Yes, he is an absolute player and you will be wasting your time.

 

Her: Well, I like him and we're meeting up sometime next week. So, I'll be the judge of that!

 

Me: F-ck it, it's your life. I'll be a good friend and not even give you an "I told you so" when this sh-t goes south on you.

 

Fanf-ckintastic.

 

Well.

 

I told you so

 

You tried though. Tried to be a "good friend" and save her and she still has to learn the hard way. While accusing you of being jealous and not wanting to see her happy. :rolleyes:

 

Would have been better off leaving it alone.

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I was going to post that this would happen but I see it did already.

 

If you tell a woman to stay with a guy because he's awesome she won't. If you tell a woman to stay away from a guy because he's a player she won't.

 

What she will do is what her emotions dictate. I'm not surprised how she turned it around on you.

 

 

Yeah sorry I didn't see the OP post before, cause I was 99% sure her reaction would be just like that if you went wading in like that.

 

Well, at least you will be able to say "I told you so" in a month or two.

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Scarlett.O'hara

I stand by my original post, being honest was the only decent thing to do.

 

Perhaps your delivery could have been less authoritative, and more about stating the facts and letting her make up her own mind.

 

There was no guarantee that she would listen, but the point is she asked and you were honest, so whatever happens from this point on is completely on her.

 

As for the other guy, he can't hold the moral high ground over you for looking out for a friend. He shouldn't be lying in the first place.

 

You have done what was necessary, now the rest is up to these two characters to figure out. It is no longer your problem.

 

You did the right thing!

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Hey, you tried! But she's a fool and will learn the hard way - that's the way most people learn, and you can't save them from themselves. Not only that, she won't appreciate your attempt to warn her. (No good deed goes unpunished.)

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I reread what I wrote right after I posted it and decided to shoot her a text about it. I started off by just telling her that I worked with him for awhile and I know that he doesn't want a LTR. I tried to avoid getting into it much deeper than that but that didn't happen.. Here's the conversation that just ensued.

 

Her: It says right in his profile that he is looking for a relationship. He's been pretty clear about it when we've chatted.

 

Me: Just trust me, he isn't looking for anything serious.

 

Her: Are you saying that he's lying?

 

Me: I'm saying that you should steer clear of him as you two are not looking for the same thing.

 

Her: Are you saying he's a just a player. He doesn't strike me as one and I've been doing this for awhile.

 

Me: Look, you've been chatting with him for three days. He and I worked side by side for a long time. I know him better than you and you're going to get hurt.

 

Her: Is this about our argument over dating a few weeks ago? Do you not want to see me be happy with someone? I click with this guy.

 

Me: (getting irritated): What? That's ridiculous.. You don't even know him, Anna! You've never even met the guy! Yes, he is an absolute player and you will be wasting your time.

 

Her: Well, I like him and we're meeting up sometime next week. So, I'll be the judge of that!

 

Me: F-ck it, it's your life. I'll be a good friend and not even give you an "I told you so" when this sh-t goes south on you.

 

Fanf-ckintastic.

 

Yep, that's what happens. MidnightDreams had it right. Don't get involved. She freaking asked your opinion and then accuses you of evil intent when you give it to her. Now she'll meet up with this guy next week, tell him what you said and then he'll be pissed at you too. Here you were just trying to do the right thing and help a friend and now you get to look like a jerk to both of them. Let this be a lesson learned; don't get involved.

 

You can't warn someone away from dating a jerk. We see it here all the time. It goes along these lines: "I just met this guy. He's really good looking and very nice to me but he drinks too much, has 3 ex wifes and and a bunch of kids. Also he was incarcerated for a few years but he explained what happened and he was innocent. Should I date him"? then the entire board goes "HELL NO!!" and the original poster says something like "well he might have made mistakes in the past but I see the good in him. People can change and everyone deserves a chance so I'm going to date him" LOL.

 

Next time your friend wants your opinion politely decline.

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Too little too late, but don't get into a fight over it. You warned her, and she told you she is an adult and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. And she is right. She hit it off with this guy, and whether he's a womanizer or not, it is her mistake to make. You warned her, now let it go.

 

While you're busy white-knighting, how about you tell your clod of a friend to back off this woman? You know how he is. Tell him to leave her alone and grow up and not treat women like he does. You've accepted his behavior silently, despite how despicable it is, and now it just got personal because now he's about to stomp all over someone you know and care about. Is this really someone you want to be friends with?

 

Oh that's a great idea. Then the guy will go tell the girl that the OP is trying to keep him from dating her and she'll further accuse the OP of trying to mess up her life and ruin her happiness. She is an adult, she already brushed off the OP's warning and said that she will be the judge of what is right for her. So now the right thing for the OP to do is step aside and let her do her thing.

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bluefeather

I think the whole texting her about the guy was a mistake and you sounded kind of like a white knight, nice guy, cock block.

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OP, about this, can you say what you meant about the "feeling a spark about someone" and everyone knowing how you feel about that statement? I haven't been around long enough to know, even though you are one of the posters here who I really recognize. I'm just interested to hear more.

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bluefeather

Also, Oats, I didn't mean for that post to sound harsh if it did. I can see why you would want to warn a friend about a potential pig. But the way you said it in text... I don't think that was the right way to go about it. And I also have a feeling that if she hooks up with the guy, she will probably tell him that you said that, and that is what the guy will think of you. But if you don't really care about him as a friend, then I guess it's no problem.

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Gr8fuln2020

Wow, it amazes me how people make moral equivalencies when none exist. The OP referred to the lady as his friend, the player, not. To allow your friend or anyone really to get himself/herself into a compromising position when you have information to help prevent that is simply shameful.

 

OP, you did the right thing. Now she will decide what she will do from here on. The 'I told you so' people are wrong to have suggested that you should have left things be. As for whether 'Anna' goes and tells this other guy, so frickin' what! He's no friend and no gentleman.

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Oh that's a great idea. Then the guy will go tell the girl that the OP is trying to keep him from dating her and she'll further accuse the OP of trying to mess up her life and ruin her happiness. She is an adult, she already brushed off the OP's warning and said that she will be the judge of what is right for her. So now the right thing for the OP to do is step aside and let her do her thing.

 

Ooooh, I didn't think about that! Yes, at this point a direct question was asked and answered, and from here going forward, it's best to back off and butt out and let these people make their own choices. The OP is going to find himself in a precarious position if guy friend talks openly about his sexual conquests and the female friend is talking openly about how great male friend is and things are going so well...yeah, this has some potential to get ugly. Hopefully male friend maintains the "code" that has been established and just doesn't discuss this aspect of his life with the OP, but the OP is kind of stuck in the middle no matter what. Not fun.

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Someone needs to inform Anna that the best players don't always look and act like the stereotypical player, but they are players all the same.

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You should have cut it off after the first two lines.

 

Most people will not take good advice. Let it be her problem.

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OatsAndHall

I contacted him last night and laid it all out for him. I let him know that I knew her, we were friends and I warned her to stay away from him. I asked him not to play games with her if he was going to see her. He was angry at first but calmed down and said that he understood where I was coming from and would stay away from her.

 

Then I wake up to this conversation:

 

Her: He told me he didn't want to see me. You contacted him, didn't you?

Me: Yup, I did. I asked him not to play games with you.

Her: Screw that. You told him to stay away from me because you're jealous.

Me: Think what you want, Anna.

Her: Stay the hell out of my personal life. You had no right to interfere! He and I could have had a good thing.

Me: I'm not doing this with you. We've known each other for two and a half decades. If you really want to believe that I'm immature enough to sabotage your love life then that's your call. I was only looking out for you because I didn't want to see you hurt.

Her: Just f-ck off, Oats.

Me: Fair enough.

 

I friggin' knew this was going to end up this way. Her and I have had some tension between us lately because we've been a bit flirty with one another lately. We probably would have ended up dating in the past if we had ever been in the same place and/or single at the same time. We had one awkward conversation about that a few weeks back.

 

Kind of funny how it ends up. I sort things out with the friend who has exceptionally questionable morals and have known for a year and a half but probably lost the friend that I have known since elementary school.

 

And, yes, I agree that I should have approached it more tactfully with her. I have grown weary of hearing her tell tales of heartache and woe over the last year and have tried to avoid the topic on many occasions. A part of my over-reaction was due to a conversation we had recently with regards to to what I feel are her naive and unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. The last conversation turned into an argument. It revolved around a guy that she claimed she was physically attracted to, had a lot in common with, who treated her well but she didn't feel the "spark" because of his hair style.

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I'm sorry to say this, but I think you've gone way too far. I would have just given your female friend a gentle warning that you understand the guy is not looking for a serious relationship and that she might want to take that into account going forward. It's really inappropriate for you to meddle with other people's dating life like that. For starters, she's not a teenager and you're not her parent. What if she just wants to have some fun with the guy (even though she has said otherwise); plus, maybe she'll be the one to "tame" the guy.

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