LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

Small World.. Do I tell her?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Like Tree52Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 15th July 2017, 7:19 PM   #1
Established Member
 
OatsAndHall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: I can see the Canadian border from my house.
Posts: 884
Small World.. Do I tell her?

I have described a female friend in other threads who has been dating continually for the last few years and most of it has happened via OLD.. She and I had an argument that I described in another thread (I won't get into the details again) over her views on dating. I hadn't talked to her in a few weeks but she hit me up out of the blue. She has moved back to our hometown (I don't live there) and decided she wanted to talk about her dating life with me, once again. I have been trying to avoid the topic but I get sucked into it with her for some odd reason.

Anyway, she told me she had been hit up by a multitude of men via OLD as soon as she moved back to town and there were some promising "prospects". She asked me if I knew one of them as he describes himself as a "youth mental health counselor" on his profile. I worked in the same position for awhile.. She gave me a description of him and yes, I do indeed know him; he was my shift partner for eight months and we worked fifty hours a week together.

I told her that he sounded familiar but left it at that with good reason.. You see, my old shift partner uses OLD to hook-up and that's about it. He has worked his way through POF, OKC and other sites and has slept with quite a few women in town. He is quite charming and knows how to get into women's pants. She stated that she has been talking to him, that she "feels a spark" (everyone on LS knows how I feel about that statement..) and is planning on meeting him.

So, I'm not really sure what to do right now. She is exceptionally naive when it comes to dating and I could easily see her getting hurt in this situation. A part of me wants to warn her away from him as she is my friend and I don't want to see her hurt..BUT, I keep in touch with this guy as he and I hang out on occasion when I am back in town. We're friends and he knows that I don't care for how he treats women but that is his business, not mine..

I am really only considering discussing it with her as she is pretty fragile when it comes to dating.. She isn't in a good place in her life, romantically, and is desperately seeking a solid, long term relationship and I can promise you she won't get it from this guy. I both of them well enough to know that this will probably result in him getting laid a few times and then her getting dumped..

Thoughts?

Last edited by OatsAndHall; 15th July 2017 at 7:22 PM..
OatsAndHall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 7:38 PM   #2
Established Member
 
simpleNfit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Where the snow is better than in Colorado!
Posts: 2,106
You say that she is a friend and you don't want to see her hurt, so do what you can to prevent this. You don't refer to your male other as a friend. You hang out. You are convinced that it will not lead to anything more than her being taken advantage of...how can you not help her from becoming this guy's next sexual exploit? How can you not warn her? You may not know what will happen, but you can certainly provide her with some tools, insight as to what she is dealing with....then let her decide how she wants to go about dealing with it.

We can't save everyone or help everyone around us, but when you have an opportunity, you need to choose between doing what is right and what is convenient. I don't see a dilemma here. I think it's clear.
__________________
...love being a father!
simpleNfit is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 7:45 PM   #3
Established Member
 
central's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: NW Florida
Posts: 2,923
If she is a friend, warn her that this guy is a player, and not interested in a relationship. After that, it's her choice, of course. She must be used to being dumped and dumping, if she's been dating so much, so that's probably not a significant issue. Maybe she's not that fragile after all.
central is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 7:54 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Scarlett.O'hara's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 943
I'm surprised you didn't say anything when she asked initially. A true friend would at least warn her about how the guy operates and let her decide if it is worth the risk.

How he treats women may not be any of your business. However, when it involves someone you know personally (who is likely going to get hurt by his actions) then it would be wrong to hide it from her.

It isn't like you would be interfering because she actually asked you about him so she deserves to know the truth. Otherwise you become complicit in whatever happens. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

In any case, if the guy is such a player, what is one less notch on his belt going to matter? I'm sure there will be others.

My advice would be to look out for the interests of the more vulnerable friend and do the right thing.
Scarlett.O'hara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 7:55 PM   #5
Established Member
 
MidKnightDreams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Big D
Posts: 3,430
I probably wouldn't get involved at all.

Why not let him know she's looking for a LTR and you'd prefer he not hurt her? Is that an option?

He doesn't need to date her. He can find someone else. If she's naive, she going to get hurt anyway. If not by this guy, then by someone else. It seems to me that the best way to keep her from getting hurt by this guy is to tell him to back off. Not that it'll matter either way because she still has some life lessons to learn.

Which is why I wouldn't get involved at all.

Can't save people from their own folly.
5x5 likes this.
MidKnightDreams is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 8:22 PM   #6
Established Member
 
simpleNfit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Where the snow is better than in Colorado!
Posts: 2,106
Quote:
Originally Posted by MidKnightDreams View Post
I probably wouldn't get involved at all.

Why not let him know she's looking for a LTR and you'd prefer he not hurt her? Is that an option?

He doesn't need to date her. He can find someone else. If she's naive, she going to get hurt anyway. If not by this guy, then by someone else. It seems to me that the best way to keep her from getting hurt by this guy is to tell him to back off. Not that it'll matter either way because she still has some life lessons to learn.

Which is why I wouldn't get involved at all.

Can't save people from their own folly.
So much for being a friend. With friends like this, who needs enemies, right?

So, are you impressing upon the OP to get involve as friends should or not. Confused.
simpleNfit is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 8:36 PM   #7
Established Member
 
OatsAndHall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: I can see the Canadian border from my house.
Posts: 884
I reread what I wrote right after I posted it and decided to shoot her a text about it. I started off by just telling her that I worked with him for awhile and I know that he doesn't want a LTR. I tried to avoid getting into it much deeper than that but that didn't happen.. Here's the conversation that just ensued.

Her: It says right in his profile that he is looking for a relationship. He's been pretty clear about it when we've chatted.

Me: Just trust me, he isn't looking for anything serious.

Her: Are you saying that he's lying?

Me: I'm saying that you should steer clear of him as you two are not looking for the same thing.

Her: Are you saying he's a just a player. He doesn't strike me as one and I've been doing this for awhile.

Me: Look, you've been chatting with him for three days. He and I worked side by side for a long time. I know him better than you and you're going to get hurt.

Her: Is this about our argument over dating a few weeks ago? Do you not want to see me be happy with someone? I click with this guy.

Me: (getting irritated): What? That's ridiculous.. You don't even know him, Anna! You've never even met the guy! Yes, he is an absolute player and you will be wasting your time.

Her: Well, I like him and we're meeting up sometime next week. So, I'll be the judge of that!

Me: F-ck it, it's your life. I'll be a good friend and not even give you an "I told you so" when this sh-t goes south on you.

Fanf-ckintastic.
OatsAndHall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 8:51 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,967
Quote:
Originally Posted by OatsAndHall View Post
I reread what I wrote right after I posted it and decided to shoot her a text about it. I started off by just telling her that I worked with him for awhile and I know that he doesn't want a LTR. I tried to avoid getting into it much deeper than that but that didn't happen.. Here's the conversation that just ensued.

Her: It says right in his profile that he is looking for a relationship. He's been pretty clear about it when we've chatted.

Me: Just trust me, he isn't looking for anything serious.

Her: Are you saying that he's lying?

Me: I'm saying that you should steer clear of him as you two are not looking for the same thing.

Her: Are you saying he's a just a player. He doesn't strike me as one and I've been doing this for awhile.

Me: Look, you've been chatting with him for three days. He and I worked side by side for a long time. I know him better than you and you're going to get hurt.

Her: Is this about our argument over dating a few weeks ago? Do you not want to see me be happy with someone? I click with this guy.

Me: (getting irritated): What? That's ridiculous.. You don't even know him, Anna! You've never even met the guy! Yes, he is an absolute player and you will be wasting your time.

Her: Well, I like him and we're meeting up sometime next week. So, I'll be the judge of that!

Me: F-ck it, it's your life. I'll be a good friend and not even give you an "I told you so" when this sh-t goes south on you.

Fanf-ckintastic.
I was going to post that this would happen but I see it did already.

If you tell a woman to stay with a guy because he's awesome she won't. If you tell a woman to stay away from a guy because he's a player she won't.

What she will do is what her emotions dictate. I'm not surprised how she turned it around on you.

You are best served minding your own bees wax and letting people make their own mistakes. I learned that people don't appreciate when you piss in their corn flakes even when you have the best of intentions.

Also, she might turn out to be the one that makes him want to settle down. You never know.

If you must say something in the future, phrase it like "Well I'm not sure if you'd be a good match as when I knew him he wasn't looking for a RL. Maybe that's changed? I hope you have a great time!

And for your troubles, she'll tell him what you said if they hit it off. Now you're a c-blocker. I wouldn't be friends with you anymore if I were him.
SevenCity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 8:58 PM   #9
Established Member
 
act00's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Arizona
Posts: 1,027
Too little too late, but don't get into a fight over it. You warned her, and she told you she is an adult and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. And she is right. She hit it off with this guy, and whether he's a womanizer or not, it is her mistake to make. You warned her, now let it go.

While you're busy white-knighting, how about you tell your clod of a friend to back off this woman? You know how he is. Tell him to leave her alone and grow up and not treat women like he does. You've accepted his behavior silently, despite how despicable it is, and now it just got personal because now he's about to stomp all over someone you know and care about. Is this really someone you want to be friends with?
act00 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 9:25 PM   #10
Established Member
 
OatsAndHall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: I can see the Canadian border from my house.
Posts: 884
Quote:
Originally Posted by act00 View Post
Too little too late, but don't get into a fight over it. You warned her, and she told you she is an adult and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. And she is right. She hit it off with this guy, and whether he's a womanizer or not, it is her mistake to make. You warned her, now let it go.

While you're busy white-knighting, how about you tell your clod of a friend to back off this woman? You know how he is. Tell him to leave her alone and grow up and not treat women like he does. You've accepted his behavior silently, despite how despicable it is, and now it just got personal because now he's about to stomp all over someone you know and care about. Is this really someone you want to be friends with?
He's always treated me well although we've had many arguments about his treatment of women. It's just a topic we don't discuss now. To be honest, he and I went through a lot together at that job as we dealt (i.e. restrained.) with violent teenage boys on a daily basis. We were involved in some pretty nasty, stressful situations together. He saved my a-- one night after a kid stabbed me with a shard of broken plexi-glass. The kid would've gotten me worse if he hadn't jumped in as the kid snuck up on me.

I wondered if things were going to go down this way and it's why I was hesitant to step in. And.. Now I am going to be even more embroiled in the sh-t show when I message him about it. I should have just messaged him first.
OatsAndHall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 9:28 PM   #11
Established Member
 
MidKnightDreams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Big D
Posts: 3,430
Quote:
Originally Posted by OatsAndHall View Post
I reread what I wrote right after I posted it and decided to shoot her a text about it. I started off by just telling her that I worked with him for awhile and I know that he doesn't want a LTR. I tried to avoid getting into it much deeper than that but that didn't happen.. Here's the conversation that just ensued.

Her: It says right in his profile that he is looking for a relationship. He's been pretty clear about it when we've chatted.

Me: Just trust me, he isn't looking for anything serious.

Her: Are you saying that he's lying?

Me: I'm saying that you should steer clear of him as you two are not looking for the same thing.

Her: Are you saying he's a just a player. He doesn't strike me as one and I've been doing this for awhile.

Me: Look, you've been chatting with him for three days. He and I worked side by side for a long time. I know him better than you and you're going to get hurt.

Her: Is this about our argument over dating a few weeks ago? Do you not want to see me be happy with someone? I click with this guy.

Me: (getting irritated): What? That's ridiculous.. You don't even know him, Anna! You've never even met the guy! Yes, he is an absolute player and you will be wasting your time.

Her: Well, I like him and we're meeting up sometime next week. So, I'll be the judge of that!

Me: F-ck it, it's your life. I'll be a good friend and not even give you an "I told you so" when this sh-t goes south on you.

Fanf-ckintastic.
Well.

I told you so

You tried though. Tried to be a "good friend" and save her and she still has to learn the hard way. While accusing you of being jealous and not wanting to see her happy.

Would have been better off leaving it alone.
5x5 likes this.
MidKnightDreams is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 9:35 PM   #12
Established Member
 
joseb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 3,169
Quote:
Originally Posted by SevenCity View Post
I was going to post that this would happen but I see it did already.

If you tell a woman to stay with a guy because he's awesome she won't. If you tell a woman to stay away from a guy because he's a player she won't.

What she will do is what her emotions dictate. I'm not surprised how she turned it around on you.
Yeah sorry I didn't see the OP post before, cause I was 99% sure her reaction would be just like that if you went wading in like that.

Well, at least you will be able to say "I told you so" in a month or two.
5x5 likes this.
joseb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 9:41 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Scarlett.O'hara's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 943
I stand by my original post, being honest was the only decent thing to do.

Perhaps your delivery could have been less authoritative, and more about stating the facts and letting her make up her own mind.

There was no guarantee that she would listen, but the point is she asked and you were honest, so whatever happens from this point on is completely on her.

As for the other guy, he can't hold the moral high ground over you for looking out for a friend. He shouldn't be lying in the first place.

You have done what was necessary, now the rest is up to these two characters to figure out. It is no longer your problem.

You did the right thing!
Scarlett.O'hara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2017, 10:44 PM   #14
Established Member
 
central's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: NW Florida
Posts: 2,923
Hey, you tried! But she's a fool and will learn the hard way - that's the way most people learn, and you can't save them from themselves. Not only that, she won't appreciate your attempt to warn her. (No good deed goes unpunished.)
central is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th July 2017, 12:46 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3,231
Quote:
Originally Posted by OatsAndHall View Post
I reread what I wrote right after I posted it and decided to shoot her a text about it. I started off by just telling her that I worked with him for awhile and I know that he doesn't want a LTR. I tried to avoid getting into it much deeper than that but that didn't happen.. Here's the conversation that just ensued.

Her: It says right in his profile that he is looking for a relationship. He's been pretty clear about it when we've chatted.

Me: Just trust me, he isn't looking for anything serious.

Her: Are you saying that he's lying?

Me: I'm saying that you should steer clear of him as you two are not looking for the same thing.

Her: Are you saying he's a just a player. He doesn't strike me as one and I've been doing this for awhile.

Me: Look, you've been chatting with him for three days. He and I worked side by side for a long time. I know him better than you and you're going to get hurt.

Her: Is this about our argument over dating a few weeks ago? Do you not want to see me be happy with someone? I click with this guy.

Me: (getting irritated): What? That's ridiculous.. You don't even know him, Anna! You've never even met the guy! Yes, he is an absolute player and you will be wasting your time.

Her: Well, I like him and we're meeting up sometime next week. So, I'll be the judge of that!

Me: F-ck it, it's your life. I'll be a good friend and not even give you an "I told you so" when this sh-t goes south on you.

Fanf-ckintastic.
Yep, that's what happens. MidnightDreams had it right. Don't get involved. She freaking asked your opinion and then accuses you of evil intent when you give it to her. Now she'll meet up with this guy next week, tell him what you said and then he'll be pissed at you too. Here you were just trying to do the right thing and help a friend and now you get to look like a jerk to both of them. Let this be a lesson learned; don't get involved.

You can't warn someone away from dating a jerk. We see it here all the time. It goes along these lines: "I just met this guy. He's really good looking and very nice to me but he drinks too much, has 3 ex wifes and and a bunch of kids. Also he was incarcerated for a few years but he explained what happened and he was innocent. Should I date him"? then the entire board goes "HELL NO!!" and the original poster says something like "well he might have made mistakes in the past but I see the good in him. People can change and everyone deserves a chance so I'm going to date him" LOL.

Next time your friend wants your opinion politely decline.
anika99 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Love is in a small world. running4life Dating 5 6th May 2015 10:34 PM
My what a small world irc333 Dating 0 15th May 2012 5:21 PM
It really is a small world! xpaperxcutx Dating 5 17th January 2012 3:10 AM
Talk about a small world irc333 Dating 8 31st July 2011 9:57 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:22 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.