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Unreasonable Expectations for Friendship or Not a Good Friend


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Old 5th July 2017, 10:33 AM   #1
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Unreasonable Expectations for Friendship or Not a Good Friend

So several years ago I started going to a hair stylist. We had the same name. We also had similar personalities. She is married and has been married to her HS sweetheart for a LONG time. She and I never hung out until about 8 or 9 months ago. I had invited her out a few times, but she would kind of bail last minute to do stuff with her husband.

Ex. One Valentine's he was treating her really messed up. She was crying and venting during one of my hair appointments. I am single, so I didn't care about being alone on the holiday, but I felt bad for her. So I told her I would be her date for Valentines and we could hang out...just to keep her mind off her marital problems. The date was set in stone for about a week or so, but of course, on Valentines her husband calls out of the blue and apologizes and wants to work things out and take her out. So she sends me a text around noon, "Hey girl. I'm sorry but my man called and I am going to go out with him." I was about to go get her some flowers and stuff, so I am glad that I didn't waste my money...but I was slightly annoyed...but whatever. I understand how marriages work...husband/wife is ALWAYS the priority and making it work is too...but I couldn't help but feel like a hot potato.

Anyway, I got over that and we were cool again. Still got my hair done by her. Then last summer/fall she wanted to start hanging out. It was a little weird because I had made efforts to hang out in the past and felt like she just made excuses or did things on her own time.

Well, we started hanging out and had fun. This is also around the time that she and her husband were going through some changes might I add. Sometimes she would come to my house and hang out. All of a sudden we were "best friends"(her words not mine). She would call me sometimes to just vent or to talk. We would go out and hang out. So I'm like "Well maybe she is seeing that it isn't healthy to be up your mans butt all the time".

Well, she eventually left her husband after an argument where he called her all kinds of names and threw her stuff on the front lawn amongst other things. She said she didn't want to work on it anymore, but I told her I would support her regardless. We still hung out and talked regularly, but I guess the pessimist in me never tried to get TOO comfortable with the friendship because I felt like if her man got his act together, I'd be history again.

Well, they got back together and things are going great for them. She and I still talked on the phone, but of course, the hanging out dwindled to almost nothing. We were supposed to go to a concert but were both tired and it was raining on/off that day, so we both kinda nixed that one. However, there were times when I was going through a stressful situation at work or I just got back on the dating scene and needed to talk through something...you know what "best friends" do...the same support I had provided to her...well, sometimes she would call back and other times it would be days or a week later before she would return the phone call. It kind of bothered me, but I try to be understanding that people are busy and life doesn't revolve around me...but it bothered me some. Anyway, there were a couple of times that I texted her inviting her out with some of my friends and she didn't respond. She called/texted about a week later apologizing profusely because she had been very sick or whatever. Fine. Again no problem or a big deal. But at this point...it feels like a bunch of excuses honestly in the back of my mind.

The final straw for me was recently I dated a man who seemingly had a bunch of baggage that I wasn't sure I wanted to take on. She called to catch up...a week after I had sent her a text wishing her happy anniversary and asking how she was doing and no response. Well, I was telling her about him and how seemed like a great/nice person, but all the children, the ex wife, and how I just wasn't getting a good feeling about the situation at hand(turns out that I was right about my feelings). Well, she's pretty much countering EVERYTHING I say and I'm like "But wait...no...that seems like an invitation for drama..." and shes like "Hold up bruh. Don't ask me for my input and then don't let me say what I gotta say"...so I said "Ok. Go ahead". That was Strike 1 for me because I understood what she was saying, but I was making sure I stressed to her that this stuff this guy was talking about was foolishness and made no sense...but I didn't appreciate how she was talking to me on that note.

Then, I started explaining more about my concerns and how I really want to be happy, but I just don't know because something seems off about his situation and seems to have a lot of potential for drama based on what my guy had explained of his ex. So my friend is telling me how I am being negative and creating dramatic situations in my head about what COULD happen when I don't even know this person and blah blah blah. Why couldn't I just enjoy casual dating? The truth was the guy was asking me to be in a relationship and to be his girlfriend, but I just decided not to share anything else with her at this point...so that's why I was stressing and thinking because I was trying to look at the full picture like "Is this a man or a situation that I want to commit to long term?". So finally she goes "Well call him and break up with him. This is what you always do. That's what you want to do anyway. Just call him now and get it over with. Just be done with him." at this point I just stopped talking and said "OK" to everything that she said. Then she was like "Well, I have a client coming in. I have to go." This was a month ago and neither of us have reached out to one another.

You know I could be totally in the wrong here, but I feel like I supported her unconditionally. I felt like I listened to her all the time when she needed me. I felt like I never judged her or her situation. She knows that I have shied away from relationships for over a year because I am tired of being burned and being hurt. If she were really my friend, I felt like she could have taken more time to LISTEN to my concerns and not just HEAR me or talk to me like I am some idiot.

When she said "This is what you always do"...it really bothered me because the guys that I have dated in the past have NEVER been up to par...it's basically me putting up with my needs not being met for several months until I can't handle it anymore and just express how I am unhappy. None of the guys that I have dated have treated me great or treated me as I should have been treated, which is why the relationships ended and I took a break from dating to mend my heart and my mind.

I just feel like because things are good for her now she can talk or act any way to me or maybe I really am annoying as a friend. I don't know but I certainly don't feel she's reciprocated the friendship in three years as much. This is why I never really made it a habit to call her regularly(unless I really needed a good girl chat) or to invite her out too much anymore because I get tired of asking...when she wants to be bothered, she will let me know.

Have I been unrealistic of our friendship or what are your thoughts?
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Old 5th July 2017, 4:12 PM   #2
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No, you've been very tolerant. She's the one who is a friend only when it's convenient for her. And as far as asking her for relationship advice, I don't think so. I mean, her and her man fight all the time and she is apparently not often let out of the house without him or she wouldn't have cancelled so much. it's probably a fight anytime she wants to get out and do something without him, so she doesn't do it often. You've been nonjudgy about it, which is more than I'd have been because I hate being around someone who is miserable in their relationship half the time but doesn't do anything about it, but that's a lot of people, so nice you're tolerant of it.

But she's not tolerant of anyone who ISN'T that way and doesn't think they need a man no matter how difficult it might get. She thinks she has to have one and you think you have some options and maybe not get involved with kids an an ex, and I agree it's something to give considerable thought about. A lot depends how you handle it, but more it depends on how the man handles the situation. it can get very messy if he has no boundaries and lets her or the kid interrupt everything he tries to do OR if he is a problem to her and the kids and won't follow the agreed upon rules. So it's nothing I'd jump into lightly. Plus you do have to be careful because if he happens to have joint custody, he is probably frantically looking for a woman to take over at least part of his parenting duties on the days he has them. A free babysitter. So be sure you've kept whatever boundaries you want there about being available for that.

This friend is not really a good friend. I believe if I were you I'd talk to her at the salon and that is all I'd do with her.
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Old 5th July 2017, 8:09 PM   #3
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No, you've been very tolerant. She's the one who is a friend only when it's convenient for her. And as far as asking her for relationship advice, I don't think so. I mean, her and her man fight all the time and she is apparently not often let out of the house without him or she wouldn't have cancelled so much. it's probably a fight anytime she wants to get out and do something without him, so she doesn't do it often. You've been nonjudgy about it, which is more than I'd have been because I hate being around someone who is miserable in their relationship half the time but doesn't do anything about it, but that's a lot of people, so nice you're tolerant of it.

But she's not tolerant of anyone who ISN'T that way and doesn't think they need a man no matter how difficult it might get. She thinks she has to have one and you think you have some options and maybe not get involved with kids an an ex, and I agree it's something to give considerable thought about. A lot depends how you handle it, but more it depends on how the man handles the situation. it can get very messy if he has no boundaries and lets her or the kid interrupt everything he tries to do OR if he is a problem to her and the kids and won't follow the agreed upon rules. So it's nothing I'd jump into lightly. Plus you do have to be careful because if he happens to have joint custody, he is probably frantically looking for a woman to take over at least part of his parenting duties on the days he has them. A free babysitter. So be sure you've kept whatever boundaries you want there about being available for that.

This friend is not really a good friend. I believe if I were you I'd talk to her at the salon and that is all I'd do with her.
First, I wanted to thank you for your thoughtful response because I know that I wrote a very long and detailed post. So thanks for even taking the time.

Second, I think that you are on to something because my brother said the same thing about three weeks ago, but I didn't take him seriously because he's a guy talking about female issues. I'm a self-sufficient single mom, and I do very well for myself and my daughter. It seems like she and her husband(no children) together are either always financially struggling or arguing. I think lately she seems much happier, but I assumed now that she is happy in her relationship...she doesn't care or want to hear about ANY of my woes.

I hate being single and wish to be married like she is...but I don't just want to marry a pulse. Yes, I am approaching my 30s in a few short months, but I just want quality for myself and my 10 year old(she needs to see it from some marriage because she won't see it from her dad..smh). Plus, as my "best friend"...she has seen me at my lowest...completely depressed over a break-up, crying, sad, unable to think straight, and wanting to end it all over a stupid relationship. I have worked really hard over this last year(no dating at all) to get back right emotionally and mentally, and I don't ever want to go back to those places again. I've been so happy, so I just want to vet this guy or whatever man I am dating VERY carefully for my OWN sanity so I won't get hurt or played...I would think my "best friend" would understand and encourage that rather than tell me I'm judging his situation without knowing or getting involved.
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Old 5th July 2017, 9:57 PM   #4
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While it's normal for people to put their spouses first, this doesn't mean that friends should be used for whenever someone feels like seeing them. Your friend sounds selfish and draining.

When I became more selective about whom I let into my life, I became a much happier person. I got rid of all the users, emotional vampires and foolish types who kept making bad choices and complaining about them.
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Old 6th July 2017, 9:10 AM   #5
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While it's normal for people to put their spouses first, this doesn't mean that friends should be used for whenever someone feels like seeing them. Your friend sounds selfish and draining.

When I became more selective about whom I let into my life, I became a much happier person. I got rid of all the users, emotional vampires and foolish types who kept making bad choices and complaining about them.
Sounds like your friends probably dwindled down to less than 1-2 people if any at all. LOL. I am pretty much at the point where I am totally fine with NOT having any friendships if they are not going to be mutually beneficial.
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Old 6th July 2017, 9:31 AM   #6
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Sounds like your friends probably dwindled down to less than 1-2 people if any at all. LOL. I am pretty much at the point where I am totally fine with NOT having any friendships if they are not going to be mutually beneficial.
I'm not sure why you would make that erroneous assumption.
I have over FIVE dear friends. All them are doing well in life and they don't suck the life out of me.
I hope you have learned enough from your current situation to build a network of decent friends like I have.
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Old 6th July 2017, 10:51 AM   #7
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I'm not sure why you would make that erroneous assumption.
I have over FIVE dear friends. All them are doing well in life and they don't suck the life out of me.
I hope you have learned enough from your current situation to build a network of decent friends like I have.
I had to go back and re-read my message. It may have come across like I was being a dick. I apologize and sorry!

What I incorrectly tried to communicate is that cleaning house and saving only the GOOD quality people and friends would almost leave me with no one because good friendships and people are hard to come by these days. You're fortunate to have five...that's a lot.

I have 2-3 good friends, but those numbers seem to drop each year. Anyway thanks for your input and advice; sorry if my word choice came across weird too!!!
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Old 6th July 2017, 6:38 PM   #8
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I had to go back and re-read my message. It may have come across like I was being a dick. I apologize and sorry!

What I incorrectly tried to communicate is that cleaning house and saving only the GOOD quality people and friends would almost leave me with no one because good friendships and people are hard to come by these days. You're fortunate to have five...that's a lot.

I have 2-3 good friends, but those numbers seem to drop each year. Anyway thanks for your input and advice; sorry if my word choice came across weird too!!!
I accept your apology.
It is certainly hard to find good friends. Remember that there are different levels of friendship so it makes sense that you wouldn't have many bosom buddies.
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Old 13th July 2017, 6:47 PM   #9
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You've received lots of good advice. Now, I'd say it's time for a new hairdresser.
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Old 28th July 2017, 11:26 PM   #10
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Nope you've been more than a great friend. She's obviously selfish only using you when she finds you convenient and not giving you the time of day. Nix her as a hairdresser and as a friend. She's not worth the time or effort. You deserve better! If you were there for her in her time of distress, the least she could do is make time for you.
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