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Old 4th July 2017, 10:48 PM   #16
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She is likely a pathological liar, because we have all caught her making up ridiculous stories on many occasions that you'd have to be a complete moron to believe. I am sure she has some mental disorders, but I seriously doubt this attempted suicide was real. I think it was purposefully done just to get the very same outcome that you described. People now have to worry about her. Her infidelity will be put on the back burner. She screwed up and got caught, but her husband is a clueless guy, so she will likely do it again. Not like there are any consequences for her.
The good old "pity play."

As others have mentioned, she wants sympathy and comfort from her husband so he won't look into the truth of her behaviors, while also casting the husband's friends as the bad guys.

Manipulation successful.
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Old 4th July 2017, 11:00 PM   #17
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The good old "pity play."

As others have mentioned, she wants sympathy and comfort from her husband so he won't look into the truth of her behaviors, while also casting the husband's friends as the bad guys.

Manipulation successful.
To be fair, the one guy did screw up. He was sexting back and forth with her, so he was pretty much as guilty as she was. He did at least say that he felt guilty and needed to end things, and it wasn't long after that when she made her suicide note/confession, took a few pills, and went to the hospital. She hacked hubby's Facebook today, and evidently saw a conversation he and I had about the whole thing, where I told him he should leave her. She messaged me from his Facebook saying she felt bad, apologized, and tried to make things right. Just covering her tracks now.

Because she pulled me into this crap, my pride makes me feel like I should take action, but this battle probably isn't worth fighting.
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Old 4th July 2017, 11:08 PM   #18
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People told him what kind of woman she was before he married her. He married her anyway. Nothing you would have told him would have been a revelation to him. He knows. And he's with her anyway.

That's why I don't get involved in situations like that. Pointless.
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Old 5th July 2017, 2:07 AM   #19
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People told him what kind of woman she was before he married her. He married her anyway. Nothing you would have told him would have been a revelation to him. He knows. And he's with her anyway.

That's why I don't get involved in situations like that. Pointless.
Denial and emotions can make anyone blind too the truth.

The only way this man can gain any clarity of his circumstances is if he goes NO CONTACT for several months and reflect, but it doesn't sound like that isn't happening yet.

This situation you describe reminds me of that saying:

"You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."
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Old 5th July 2017, 2:15 AM   #20
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Denial and emotions can make anyone blind too the truth.

The only way this man can gain any clarity of his circumstances is if he goes NO CONTACT for several months and reflect, but it doesn't sound like that isn't happening yet.

This situation you describe reminds me of that saying:

"You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."
Yet, people think they are going to be the one to make the horse drink. The way they take the horse to the water will do the trick when others have failed repeatedly.

Denial goes both ways.

When a person is willfully blind, I think you're wasting your time trying to make him see.
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Old 5th July 2017, 6:01 AM   #21
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I don't think that what you attempted to do was right. A man doesn't go after another man's wife, and a woman doesn't go after another woman's husband, and it doesn't matter that you really weren't doing "anything," you were doing enough to maintain conversation inappropriately. It leads to the destruction of a marriage and the destruction of a friendship. If you were to have presented him with her incriminating behavior while talking to you, you'd probably lose him as a friend too. And you mention "the couples," so I question what your wife's/girlfriend's reaction would be to maintain convo with someone who clearly has ulterior motives. It wouldn't go over well. If your wife/GF was speaking like this to one of your buddies like this, and he maintained the conversation, how do you think your friendship would maintain after that? Trust is dissolved.

The wife's behavior sounds almost bipolar. I can understand him not pounding sand and trying to work things out. For better or for worse, and they have children and divorce is expensive and messy and with the kids, especially difficult, child support, etc., and she's not in a place to be abandoned right now. It's probably not going to go the distance, but he is certainly going to try, or at least get her stable first, plus get financial affairs in order because divorce is not easy.

Stay out of it. Support your friend. If the wife contacts you, maintain a distance and keep it clean, platonic, distant, short, and don't encourage further communication outside of couples. As long as they're married, you're going to want to maintain a friendship with her too, so it's okay, IMO, to maintain some communication, support, but really watch your P's and Q's.
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Old 5th July 2017, 6:51 AM   #22
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People told him what kind of woman she was before he married her. He married her anyway. Nothing you would have told him would have been a revelation to him. He knows. And he's with her anyway.

That's why I don't get involved in situations like that. Pointless.
Right?
And like many BS's the guy would be the first one to say "I want to know if my wife is cheating on me. I deserve to know". Yet he will stay with her. It really doesn't matter what she did, how or with whom, he will stay. You aren't making any difference whatsoever.
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Old 5th July 2017, 7:10 AM   #23
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Right?
And like many BS's the guy would be the first one to say "I want to know if my wife is cheating on me. I deserve to know". Yet he will stay with her. It really doesn't matter what she did, how or with whom, he will stay. You aren't making any difference whatsoever.
I also agree that the husband knows on some level, and nobody likes the bearer of bad news. It's a lose-lose situation the OP is getting himself into, and he should stay out of it as much as possible, IMHO. It's not his monkey, it's not his circus.
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Old 5th July 2017, 5:38 PM   #24
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I don't think that what you attempted to do was right. A man doesn't go after another man's wife, and a woman doesn't go after another woman's husband, and it doesn't matter that you really weren't doing "anything," you were doing enough to maintain conversation inappropriately. It leads to the destruction of a marriage and the destruction of a friendship. If you were to have presented him with her incriminating behavior while talking to you, you'd probably lose him as a friend too. And you mention "the couples," so I question what your wife's/girlfriend's reaction would be to maintain convo with someone who clearly has ulterior motives. It wouldn't go over well. If your wife/GF was speaking like this to one of your buddies like this, and he maintained the conversation, how do you think your friendship would maintain after that? Trust is dissolved.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I didn't go after his wife though, she went after me (and others). My GF knows of this whole situation, and while she obviously dislikes other women hitting on me, she really doesn't like this girl, and did not voice any concerns about me setting her up.

If my buddy decided to drop me as a friend for trying to help him out, he can go ahead and do so. I know that if my wife or GF was trying to bang one (or all) of my friends, I would certainly want to know. Now, at least he knows she was trying to have an affair with our other friend, so he can make a more informed decision on whether or not to stay with her. At this point, it would likely take a video of her getting pounded by his dad or something for him to walk out on her, so there is no use in my continued interference. Although, I have a hunch some more of our friends are gonna be getting into it.

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The wife's behavior sounds almost bipolar. I can understand him not pounding sand and trying to work things out. For better or for worse, and they have children and divorce is expensive and messy and with the kids, especially difficult, child support, etc., and she's not in a place to be abandoned right now. It's probably not going to go the distance, but he is certainly going to try, or at least get her stable first, plus get financial affairs in order because divorce is not easy.
They are completely broke, so there really aren't any financial affairs to get in order. He works at a retail job, and she doesn't do anything at all. They basically just collect all the welfare they can to get by, and do surprisingly well doing so. Since she was locked in a mental ward for a few days after a likely staged, but still botched suicide attempt, I think he would have a better chance at getting custody of the kids than what a guy could normally hope for. Yeah, divorce sucks, but staying with a wife who is always trying to bang your friends is even worse, IMO.

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Stay out of it. Support your friend. If the wife contacts you, maintain a distance and keep it clean, platonic, distant, short, and don't encourage further communication outside of couples. As long as they're married, you're going to want to maintain a friendship with her too, so it's okay, IMO, to maintain some communication, support, but really watch your P's and Q's.
At this point, as I said, I am gonna try to stay out of it. I have already deleted and blocked the wife on Facebook, and I am not gonna go out of my way to talk to my friend either. All he has done is talk smack about our friend that had that thing going on with his wife, and while he has a right to be angry with him for sure, he seems to not be angry with his wife at all. That kinda bugs me, so I'll just stay away from him for a while too.

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I also agree that the husband knows on some level, and nobody likes the bearer of bad news. It's a lose-lose situation the OP is getting himself into, and he should stay out of it as much as possible, IMHO. It's not his monkey, it's not his circus.
I only got into it because I would want to know if it were me. One of our other friends who hangs out at their house often said he kinda got the feeling that she was having an affair by the way she was acting. I didn't think much of it until she started hitting on me as well.

Would you want to know if your wife or GF was looking to bang some of your friends?
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Old 5th July 2017, 5:47 PM   #25
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This is so Jerry Springer. Rather than getting involved or trying to entrap her to show the guy what type of wife he really has, I would be finding a new circle of friends. No way would I participate in this circus of a soap opera!
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Old 5th July 2017, 9:14 PM   #26
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You were meddling in a situation that was none of your business and working to entrap. I don't know what you were saying to this woman, but you were saying things to lead her to feel like you were likely to reciprocate her advances and that you felt the same towards her. It's dishonest and cruel, and frankly, if my best friend continued communication with my husband like that, to the point he put advances on her, I would be seriously p*ssed at my friend for communicating with my husband in that manner, but then for her to present me with the evidence of my husband's infidelity while she herself was promoting it?? With her?? Really?? Friend is not a friend if she flirted with my husband and had an emotional affair, and I don't care how much of a dick my husband is.

You and your girlfriend are two peas in a pod if you conglomerated together to encourage your friend's wife to hit on you thinking this was a great idea. You two will be pulling this crap on each other some day. What a great foundation of trust you're starting out on. It's sneaky and conniving.

Divorce...huge issue, hard to do, child custody, money, division of finances, household, child support -- not easy-breezy, so yeah, she's in the picture for awhile, and she's sick, and she is his children's mother, and how he manages it, I don't know.

All I can imagine is how deeply lost your friend is on how to proceed at this point.
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Old 5th July 2017, 9:29 PM   #27
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Part of me wants to laugh at the chaos, part of me wants to tell you to stop meddling in their affairs.

Here's the folly of trying to help people too much. You are probably getting something out of this (perhaps enjoying the drama and intrigue).

The same way that her husband is getting something out of their relationship. And is perhaps willing to accept a lower standard to get whatever it is that he's getting. Maybe he's someone that struggles to get a girl unless he offers his provisioning. That is therefore his value.

The same way that she is getting something out of their relationship. Probably security.

And it all goes round until you have people propping each other up getting different needs met in very negative ways.

The real thing to do, would be to say "**** this noise", and extract yourself from the situation, and those people.
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Last edited by Bastile; 5th July 2017 at 9:34 PM..
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Old 6th July 2017, 11:48 AM   #28
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Well, at least this was actually someone you knew and were trying to help and not just getting jollies.

I feel for your friend. He's deluded himself and fallen for her manipulation.

The only good thing (I guess) is that she has kind of made her bed. If she ever tries suicide as manipulation again, he can likely get her committed for more than 72 hours (and he should).
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Old 6th July 2017, 1:59 PM   #29
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This will be a long-ish story, so stay with me, please.

A guy in my circle of friends is married with a couple kids. Prior to getting married, a few of us warned him that his wife was not faithful, but he trusted her and married her anyway. This was around 7 years ago.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. I don't hang out with the dude as much as I used to. Life happens. Anyway, one day his wife messaged me on Facebook and started randomly chatting about trying to get a group of us couples out for dinner and drinks or something. Cool. Well, the messages didn't stop. She started talking to me again the next day, and then the next day, and some of those messages struck me as inappropriate. Now, with my buddy's history, I knew he wouldn't believe me if I had a chat with him about his wife, even if he saw the chat log, because an even more incriminating chat log was shown to him before. Some of the things she was saying to me also lead me to believe that I may not be the only guy that she was talking to in this way. With all this in mind, I kinda figured his wife was cheating on him, or at the very least trying to, so I decided I would set her up. I would not go out of my way to talk to her, and I would not hit on her in any way, but I would give her just enough rope to hang herself with, and when she eventually did something I could prove that even he could not ignore, I would go to my buddy with the info. To make sure I was not incriminated, I told one of our mutual friends about the entire thing, so that other people would know what I was up to.

A couple weeks of her talking to me and slowly showing more and more that her intent was to cheat, and I get some crazy news. Evidently, one day after talking to me, she wrote a suicide note to her family, made a very visible attempt at suicide, and confessed to having an emotional affair....with a completely different guy in our circle of friends. Evidently, her and yet another of her husband's friends were talking all kinds of smack online, almost all sexual stuff, and it had been going on for a month or so. She was put on a 72 hour suicide watch in the mental ward at the hospital, and her husband is upset, vowing to never talk to his old friend ever again.

Here we are. My buddy the betrayed husband is calling me asking for advice. He only knows about the conversations his wife had with our other friend, but nothing about me, and nothing about other guys that I am about 99% certain she was talking to. He is angry, but his wife is back home, and it looks like he is going to try and work things out with her. I am just thinking to myself "wow." There really is no good advice I can give this guy. I think I am gonna just bow out of the situation and not even tell him what she was saying to me. He already has chat logs of what she was saying to our other friend, and he is still gonna keep her around, so I see no point in it.

Just figured I would share the story since it's a bit of a crazy one. Be careful who you marry.
Not much you can do it's none of your business to get involved with her and all that's she's doing it so toxic, can bring you down as well. Best advise is stay out of other peoples affairs. Worry about your own life. The man who married her he alone has to deal with her issue. No one else and not even you can do anything to change his mind.
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Old 6th July 2017, 8:28 PM   #30
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Here's the folly of trying to help people too much. You are probably getting something out of this (perhaps enjoying the drama and intrigue).
Mostly, I was just irritated that she would start trying to hit on me. While she was engaged to my friend, who isn't a dumb guy in the traditional sense, but an absolute idiot when it comes to her, she was found doing multiple inappropriate things with a few members of his family, her ex, one of his friends, you name it. However, there was no direct evidence she did nothing wrong, and my friend ignored warnings from all of those people and chose to believe his now wife. Since then, I don't hang with him like I used to, and I have heard from some people who are around more often that she is very likely cheating on him all the time. I guess it kinda bugged me, because she really sucks. I have been friends with the guy for 20 years, since he was a kid, and while it is his fault for picking her, it still sucks to see him getting screwed over so much.

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The real thing to do, would be to say "**** this noise", and extract yourself from the situation, and those people.
Meh. I am gonna stay out of this crap for sure. I tried helping him, but old friend or no, he is now on his own. As they say, you can only help people willing to help themselves. However, I am not going to drop a couple of my oldest friends out of my life because they are imperfect people. We are all imperfect, even the people who acct like they have the moral high ground all the time. With that said, I am not friends with his wife, and I only tolerated her because of him. That's gone now.
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